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  #11  
Old 04-12-2014, 09:31 AM
Confused Confused is offline
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Also I don't necessarily think that the fact that this is happening in a months time means they have known about it for a long time, that's jumping to conclusions surely? We moved to a whole different country a few years ago with a new baby and a 3 year old with eleven days notice because that's how long my husband's work gave him to make the move. It literally was, congratulations you start your new job in France next Tuesday and we were left scrambling to figure out logistics. That was a shock for everyone, us included but somehow you figure it out.
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  #12  
Old 04-12-2014, 12:48 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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First of all 90 minutes isn't that far away. I drive 30+ minutes to go to shopping somewhere other than walmart. I drive an hour one way for work. Murf lives 30 min from me

That said I can understand why your boyfriend is upset. He has been left out of the loop and probably made to feel like he doesn't matter. He has been left out of a huge event in your life. He wasn't even considered.

I include Murf in on all important life events. I am retiring out of the country. That has always been the plan for Butch and I. When Murf and I decided that this is a long term thing his wants and needs were considered. He will be going too. But if he didn't want to retire there we would have begun to consider other options.

Have an adult conversation with your bf.
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  #13  
Old 04-12-2014, 03:21 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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90 minutes away isn't a great distance but then your talking about one of you making a 3 hour round trip for a "date night" unless you're going to meet somewhere in the middle. Plus if that's not what he signed up for the fact that it was never discussed with him it's leaving him feeling like he isn't an important part of your life. I'd pull away in a situation like that as well. Why invest myself in a situation where I don't matter?
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  #14  
Old 04-12-2014, 04:19 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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The drive can be easily managed by getting together half way... overnights.... Alternating who makes the trip. where there is a will there is a way.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #15  
Old 04-12-2014, 07:39 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I believe in making life choices based on what's best for me. Anyone who's available to come with me is free to do so, but I'm not going to tie myself down anywhere just because someone else is unavailable to move. In a "real relationships," you don't ask your to partner to put their dreams on hold for your sake.
I agree...when I decided to go to grad school, I told MrS that I would be moving to a given city. His response was along the lines of "okay, let's start looking for apartments." I was gratified that he decided to come with me - but I was going regardless.

On the other hand, when he said "I'm thinking of joining the military." My reply was - "You do what you have to do, but I can't promise that I can do an LDR...I might not be here when you get back." He elected to NOT join the military - his choice. I didn't say "Don't" but I think that he deserved to know that our relationship might not survive that decision...

(All of this was 20+ years ago when our relationship was young. Now? MY plan is to stay in this job until I retire and live in this house until I die. The boys are welcome to stay, but if one or both decided to move elsewhere...that is up to them. Our relationship would change, I think, but it wouldn't be a deal-breaker.)
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  #16  
Old 04-12-2014, 07:56 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Yep, even meeting Ii n the middle means gas, restaurant, and most likely splitting the cost of a Motel room. Looking Iike a $50 date each. That would be maybe a bimonthly expense id be willing to make. No point for me to be honest. It's fine for others, just not for me
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  #17  
Old 04-13-2014, 02:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I believe in making life choices based on what's best for me. Anyone who's available to come with me is free to do so, but I'm not going to tie myself down anywhere just because someone else is unavailable to move. In a "real relationships," you don't ask your to partner to put their dreams on hold for your sake. That's putting "the relationship" on a pedestal above "the people in the relationship," and that just makes no sense.

Gralson works on the road, usually 5-8 hours away. We see each other every second weekend.

Meanwhile, half of those weekends, we drive 1.5 hours to visit his aunt and uncle for coffee. We often spend more time on the road than the actual visit. It's the prairies. That's just what you do.

I might end up doing a post-doc across the world, depending on what opportunities I get. Unless it's somewhere hot like Australia, Gralson's planning to stay right here while I'm away for 1-2 years. And Auto's certainly not going to pack up her whole family to come with me. But that won't stop me from following my dreams. We'll make it work.

I would hate to live with myself if someone had a great opportunity, especially in this economy, and I held them back just because I wasn't happy about not seeing them.
THIS.

I feel exactly as you do. I want the people I love and care about to be healthy and happy. If I limit them, then what kind of person would I be?

Many times, relationships become less than the number one priority due to external circumstances. It happens in mono relationships too. Work, school, unexpected opportunities, children.

You work around them.

Extremes versions of the mindset that the relationship is paramount to the people in it can result in some pretty crazy thinking. The Philosopher's ex regularly accused him of putting work before his family (while occasionally, his job made extra demands, they were not extreme or long-lasting.) Um...., he was the their only source of income; she was a stay at home mom who lived in a beautiful house, and the Philosopher doted on her. It didn't matter how many times he explained to her that he worked because he was putting the well-being of his family first, she never got it. He wasn't putting her first.

That said, for me my relationships are based first and foremost on a mental connection - something that can be maintained through emails, texts, phone calls, and skype. Perhaps others base relationships on some factor that requires constant physical proximity.
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  #18  
Old 04-13-2014, 05:12 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Um, so you are moving, announced this, and that's it? Yeah, he's feeling a lot and you screwed up. Time to fix it! I can't imagine doing this to my OSO. We often discuss the fact that there may be a move. He's talked of moving closer, it is a LDR, and we've told him not to. This is NOT where we want to end up and so soon as hubby gets a better opportunity we will be moving. I've discussed with OSO what places we would like to live and settle in and options for doing so. I've been up front about continuing our relationship long distance and possibly closer some day. It's a matter of logistics, but it's an ongoing discussion. NEVER a simple, "Hey, we are moving even farther away." If he's part of my life, then he's part of the discussion.

No, I won't take away from my kids the chance to move to a safer or better environment. I won't take away from hubby the chance to get the career he wants and deserved, but that doesn't mean I'm NOT discussing with BF how he fits into it all, just as I discuss with the kids that there may be changes. Like hubby and I discuss logistics.

Rule one in poly, don't ever assume!!! You are making assumptions based on the relationships you have been exposed to. So is he. What are the chances you have both been exposed to exactly the same relationships in exactly the same way and are making exactly the same assumptions????
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  #19  
Old 04-13-2014, 07:02 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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I fully understand that some people here put themselves first, above their spouse or relationship.

But the OP asked for help with her situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by labelnone View Post
I met, fell in love with, and took the leap of unknown to be honest about my feelings with my secondary just over a year ago and it was a new type of relationship for all three of us.
That the spouses or BFs or GFs of people on this board are fine with them putting themselves first, potentially packing up and leaving regardless of how it affects those partners or the relationship is wonderful. But it's no help to the OP. I'm guessing from the above that her BF is used to mono relationships and actually thought that in a relationship, he might consider how his actions would affect her and adjust accordingly out of love for her and desire to make this workable, and she might do likewise.

She feels rejected and pushed away, and wanted suggestions apparently to help her understand what happened. The BF is not here asking how anyone thinks he should view a relationship and her decision to move away from him. She is here asking what just happened?

Several of us have explained, he likely feels like he's just been shown his position in her life.

And OP clearly DOES take her family into account when making these decisions, as she clearly said she wouldn't dream of separating the family. She's not going to move away from her husband. But she will move away from her BF. This likely suggests to him that he wasn't as important in her life. This likely leaves him feeling hurt.
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  #20  
Old 04-13-2014, 07:27 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I fully understand that some people here put themselves first, above their spouse or relationship.

But the OP asked for help with her situation.



That the spouses or BFs or GFs of people on this board are fine with them putting themselves first, potentially packing up and leaving regardless of how it affects those partners or the relationship is wonderful. But it's no help to the OP. I'm guessing from the above that her BF is used to mono relationships and actually thought that in a relationship, he might consider how his actions would affect her and adjust accordingly out of love for her and desire to make this workable, and she might do likewise.

She feels rejected and pushed away, and wanted suggestions apparently to help her understand what happened. The BF is not here asking how anyone thinks he should view a relationship and her decision to move away from him. She is here asking what just happened?

Several of us have explained, he likely feels like he's just been shown his position in her life.

And OP clearly DOES take her family into account when making these decisions, as she clearly said she wouldn't dream of separating the family. She's not going to move away from her husband. But she will move away from her BF. This likely suggests to him that he wasn't as important in her life. This likely leaves him feeling hurt.
No one said the bf should not have been consulted, or his feelings considered. It's apparent that there was a failure in communication somewhere.

All some of us are saying is moving does not have to be the end of the relationship. They have to communicate, figure out how to deal with it. 90 minutes is hardly insurmountable.
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