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Old 04-12-2014, 04:36 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
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nllswing, it really sounds to me like something happened, something upsetting or intense, that shook Athena up and provoked a reaction in her of regret over all these extramarital activities she participated in. It really is such a turn-around from where she was. I remember her contacting me about Poly Cocktails about three years ago, and asking if there were any other poly groups meeting in the NYC area on different nights. We all had talked about you and her possibly meeting me at Poly Cocktails once (which ultimately did not happen because I couldn't make it at the last minute), and she PM'd me once, all excited about the prospect of meeting other polyfolk in the city.

Whenever someone has such a radical about-face, I always wonder if there was something that instigated it, either a dramatic and upsetting event like a break-up or something like a nasty judgmental comment from a family member. I know you two are close and have been talking, checking in with each other, and working out agreements over the last few years, so it would be puzzling to me if I were in your shoes and suddenly was told she's only been capitulating to what you wanted and had never been happy with non-monogamy. But then you do say she has had moments of feeling uncomfortable in the last two years and you took it to be simply trying to manage bouts of jealousy - however, perhaps it was much deeper and more serious to her than she expressed to you, and out of hopefulness, you put on some blinders to it?

It doesn't sound like the two of you were crazily fucking anything in sight nor "collecting" people" just to "be poly." I recall you had a friendship with a much older woman, to whom you were very attracted, and you very respectfully kept it platonic and did not try to steer it into a romantic relationship - that shows how very considerate you are. In my remembering over the last few years of both of your posts here, it always seemed that you each had a respectful way of acknowledging each other's needs and working something out that each of you enjoyed or found acceptable.

I don't really have any advice, but just wanted to offer my perspective from what I have observed of yours and Athena's participation on these boards. I hope you come to an agreement that works for both of you, and I think that a poly-mono arrangement could be very successful for you because I am certain you would continue to be as respectful and considerate as you always have been. But I would also urge you to see if there was indeed something that broke the camel's back for Athena and compelled her to want everything to suddenly be different, in order to find out what would make her feel more safe and secure if you do agree to poly-mono.

Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Non-penetrative sexual exchange between non married partners...

Yes swinging term but sometimes been used for poly depending on the background. Its like going on a date with making out and promising not to have sex on the first (or potentially any) go round.
Doesn't soft swap also mean that you have to stay in the same room during the sexual activities - no going off in private?
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-12-2014 at 04:39 PM.
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Old 04-12-2014, 09:31 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Doesn't soft swap also mean that you have to stay in the same room during the sexual activities - no going off in private?
That could be part of it for some. Depends on the arrangement I suppose. You can soft swap and not be in the same room. It just means oral fun vs p&v.

To complicate it further apparently you can level up... haha.. I love how people label everything fun

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