Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-10-2014, 03:54 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,985

I have to agree that asking you to go to back to condoms in a 10 year relationship is likely asking for too much. (I am unclear - are you fluid bonded with her too?)

However, I wonder if L would get her needs met another way? She seems to be searching for a way to feel special to you, to be someone unique in your life. I realize you already feel that way about her but perhaps talk with her about ways to help her feel more special/unique in your life. It might be really helpful to you both to dig down to the reasons and emotions behind the request.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-10-2014, 06:24 AM
islandgy9 islandgy9 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 44

Inyourendo~ Lily (L) *specifically requested internal skin to skin contact be between she and I only. * If you meant using the 'withdraw before you cum' practice thats another thing. *That option isn't on the table due to the little swimmers that jump the gun before the big bang.. ****That is meant tongue *in cheek*** *please don't take offense if I misunderstood you.
Lily recognizes that Tahiti (T) & Juno (J) *are a constant in my life and will be in the future still once she moves here. *
I believe she wants/needs something to make her feel special. *In my mind she is already unique and special and I try to show her that. *Apparently not enough.
*I am now willing to accommodate her wish with the understanding & effort to replace that need for another meaningful aspect. *I'm hoping this will be 'fulfilling' for her, and I look forward to finding something mutually special/sacred between us.

Loving radiance~ I think your agreement with new partners is very rational. *
Lily acknowledges she can be possessive, *she and I both know that I'm hoping with continued & consistent assurances from me, she will further her faith in us. Hopefully in time, the 'monsters' she encounters will be rationalized away and become mere shadows of insecurity and fear.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-10-2014, 02:50 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,546

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
we will use protection with the new person until such time and all of us (including new partner) feel unanimously comfortable with no protection.
I don't think there is anything wrong with her asking.
Personally I think there is something wrong with asking. The request itself is a red flag to me which would *immediately* prompt a discussion about expectations regarding how we relate. Now, what I am in favor of is discussing fluid bonding openly, asking that "if you have unsafe play in X ways, let me know so that we can move back to protection until we discuss it again". To me, that is a boundary which is purely requesting that my partners respect my health as they would their own and inform me of any changes PRIOR to our having sexy play again.

As and example: IV and I were fluid bonding for a time and I was using protection with my other partners. I ended up having some play with one partner which could be construed as risky so before IV and I had sex again I just told her and asked her if we needed to go back to condoms. She said 'yes' and thanked me. Then once I was retested again and all was well we went back to fluid bonding. No rules, no one controlling someone elses actions, just adults being honest and taking care of themselves.

BUT, I don't approach dating as a team sport.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
Reply With Quote
Old 04-10-2014, 04:57 PM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

The fact that the other relationship and the fluid bonding in that relationship predates this woman makes her asking completely unreasonable from an egalitarian poly perspective.

Perhaps those who subscribe more to hierarchical models won't view it as chutzpah in quite the same way I do.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2014, 01:42 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,632

She has asked. Rather than worry about whether or not that is reasonable for other people, you could ask you if that is reasonable for YOU and whether or not you want to meet the request.

If you want to, do. If you don't want to at this time, say so. If you need more detail, ask. Is this for the first few months she's living in FL? Or forever? Maybe that changes your willingness.

You could also ask her if there is a different way for you to demonstrate how important she is to you.

Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2014, 03:41 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

(Marcus) What a person asks may bring red flags. But-I still don't think there is anything wrong with asking. My reason is-that sometimes what seems unreasonable to request-is actually not a big deal to the other person either.
It's a way of understanding each other.
Also-it's a conversation starter. Just because someone asks, doesn't mean they are going to get it. In fact, it doesn't mean that they are even going to want it after the conversation. But it opens the conversation.

That said; I would raise an eyebrow if a new lover asked me to not be fluid bonded with Maca or GG. But-I would take it as an opportunity to explain no I won't and why AND an opportunity to explore the underlying issues that the question signals for me.

Often times, just acknowledging and talking about an issue-can resolve it. If they were insistent-that would be a deal breaker. Because I won't meet the request.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2014, 01:04 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,074

I find it a bit odd that there is this "primary/secondary" struggle. She's hundreds of miles away and you've only spent time together 4 times in 2 years? Then you have 2 local partners (who happen to be married) that you see much more often?

You don't live with any of these people. Don't share finances, kids, a mortgage, a vehicle. I don't see a need for hierarchy at all. Obviously Lily is jealous that you see the others all the time, and even though she's far away, wants *some kind* of assurance she comes first in your heart, and sexually too.

Hm. Trouble that goes far beyond "safer sex." She's jealous, she's insecure in polyamory. She's struggling with your mono/poly relationship. It's like she's saying, "If you really love me, you will do this inconvenient annoying thing with your lovers of 10 years, that will remind you of me every time you go to have sex with them! Ha!"

Does your couple have sex with others besides you? If they do, --maybe I'd discuss using condoms, for your gf's sake, since she obviously doesn't trust the couple. But if you 3 are poly fi, then condoms are pointless.

I'd suggest, rather than going to condoms to satisfy her possessive feelings, she meet this couple, ASAP! She needs to view them as family, not competition. You've still got 2 more long years to wait until she moves nearer to you!
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving Pixie (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, M, 36), Pixie's Dom for 3+ years
Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2014, 01:43 PM
RedPanda's Avatar
RedPanda RedPanda is offline
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 47

This is one of those cases where I favor relationship anarchy; it's ultimately up to me and my partner to decide where our boundaries are. Each relationship is a unique thing. I like partitions.

HOWEVER, while I won't dictate what other partners do with my metamours, there can be consequences! If I have a partner who's fluid bonded with someone and then there's an STD scare, you better believe I will be abstinent with that partner until all the tests done. I do this to protect myself and my other partners. But I trust my partners to make the best decisions and to be responsible and safe.

But, honestly, to me, condoms are an emotionally neutral item. From a strictly pragmatic standpoint condoms are generally a good idea. They stop yeast infections (which SUCK!) and also make cleanup much quicker.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2014, 05:33 PM
polybynature polybynature is offline
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 78

I don't use condoms with either of my guys. One is my spouse, the other we did away with them, with spouses permission, when he was no longer sleeping with his wife and agreed to use condoms with everyone else. I can see where L is nervous because she doesn't know these people, but she is asking you to change something long standing.

If my boyfriend got a new 'primary' girlfriend or picked back up with the wife, i'd be hurt if he asked me to go back to condoms.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 03:22 AM.