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Old 04-08-2014, 09:06 PM
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NeverMoreMonkey NeverMoreMonkey is offline
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Default Introducing your lifestyle to your family/friends

I was hoping to see how other people crossed this bridge with their fam/friends/work as far as when you first told people, or how you tell new people. How you handled judgement, or utter objection in the worst case scenerio.

Personally, my mom and step dad were poly together most of my life. So telling them about it wasn't a big deal. They just shared their advice, and what mistakes they had made.

My husbands family are extremely (can't stress this enough) conservative. After four years my father in law still gripes about the fact I don't look like a white bread conformist. Husbands mom is ultra Christian and believes with utter certainty that everyone else is goin to hell if they aren't also Christian (no offense to religious people here!)
I don't see them EVER coming to terms with the idea we have a non-monogamous lifestyle. That they will insist our marriage is broken (prob because of me. They think the sun shines out my husbands ass)

With our relationship we are still keeping things low key and trying to not draw attention yet. Telling anyone isn't in our immediate future but eventually someone will notice me out with bf and come to the conclusion I must be cheating on husband or as a group we will feel ready to discuss.

Also. I haven't asked bf how he feels yet about how open he is to the idea of the general public knowing he is a bf to a married woman.
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Last edited by NeverMoreMonkey; 04-08-2014 at 09:09 PM. Reason: Had more to say
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Old 04-08-2014, 09:40 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Are you all over your boyfriend, making out in public? If not, just smile sweetly and say it was a friend (if asked, most people won't actually confront you on this).

Many poly people are quietly open, not denying, but not saying, either. Kind of a "Don't ask, don't tell" thing. Most people aren't going to jump to poly, but you can, again, just pass it off as a friend. I'm sure many people assume cheating, but then again, most people assume a romantic relationship between a man and a woman if they spend any time alone together.

So, eh...if you want to keep it quiet, then just do so.
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Old 04-08-2014, 09:47 PM
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I was hoping to hear people's experiences with it. Not necessarily get advice. I just wanted to include my own so as to share too.

No we aren't all over each other in public, which I thought was implied by saying we are trying to stay low key and not draw attention to ourselves..
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Old 04-08-2014, 11:49 PM
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I am out, and I recently wrote about it in my blog on here.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...=54032&page=20

Not sure how well that link will work, but it starts at the post dated March 6. So yeah, just around a month I've been hated by my in-laws. Yay?
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Old 04-09-2014, 12:43 AM
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There is also this thread on coming out (linked in the Introduction area), it might help.

Coming Out
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Old 04-09-2014, 02:02 AM
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Thanks! I'm sorry I didn't mean to double post
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Old 04-09-2014, 04:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeverMoreMonkey View Post
Thanks! I'm sorry I didn't mean to double post
Oh I wasn't trying to get after you. There is lots of stuff on here and finding it isn't necessarily the easiest thing to do. I mentioned the forum location of that link because there are actually quite a few common topics linked there.
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Old 04-09-2014, 08:46 AM
tenK tenK is offline
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My girlfriend and I have just recently opened our relationship and begun dating someone. The only people that know are our most immediate 'support network' type friends. As events unfolded I think we both really needed to talk to people outside of the situation (I struggled a lot initially, and Nina had a lot of guilt and anxiety to deal with) so *not* telling anyone really wasn't an option for us. One of the friends I confided in is pretty conservative, but her reaction was more of the 'this situation would kill me, but you've always been a little crazy and I love you, so I'm here for you and hoping it works out' variety. Everyone else has been just brilliant, as I knew they would be.

I think much depends on your prior relationship with people. Are there friends or family members in your life that you would normally go to to discuss relationship problems/share happy relationship moments with already? If so, those people are probably a safe bet for the grand reveal. In our case, I think whilst folk were a little shocked, they're all pretty liberal (my 'conservative' friend above is only conservative about monogamy: gay + married means she'd hardly be pals with your husbands family). As I say, we needed the support and opinions of people who knew us both well, AND we knew the reactions would not harm our friendships in any way even if their advice was 'run now, this situation stinks'.

If our current relationship dynamic stabilises itself and looks destined for the long-haul (it's only been a few weeks so far, with about 4 months of preparatory build-up - so super early days!), then I would like to tell my parents. They are also very open minded: I came out as gay at 16, and they knew I was in an open relationship in my early 20's. It's hard to shock them, but the fact that the person Nina and I are dating is a guy, and that we have shared sex (and may again…who knows?) with his gf as well, might just raise a few eye-brows even from them! Until I'm more secure in what we have together, and until there is a good reason for them to know about it all, I will probably not tell them of the change in our relationship status. Ditto for telling more casual friends, or work colleagues.

Another factor in this to consider is how your boyfriend feels about being out as well. I know in our case, the couple we are involved with are very private people. We are all very discreet in public (it helps that most people who know me and Nina think we are both gay - it's not weird for lesbians to have close tactile friendships with guys, no one bats an eyelid to a hug or a dance), and so until they are happy to be more open about their relationship status, we wouldn't dream of going fully public either. I've not yet been in the position of someone asking me point blank to my face if there is something going on. I would have to think really hard about what I would be comfortable saying in that situation. I have a real problem with lying or having false pretences in my life. I have always hated being closeted in any way, and walked out on (otherwise good) relationships in the past because I felt like someone's dirty little secret. But hey. Cross that bridge if it comes to it!

For now, I'd say don't rush into anything. If you have a strong urge to tell people in your life, better to start small with just a few people you trust. Have them get to know you and your boyfriend together, make sure they see that your husband is fine with it - any feelings of shock will surely be gradually replaced by how normal and un-dramatic it actually is. Telling his parents is really something you both need to think hard about (especially him). If they are as conservative as you say, it may do more harm than good. Sometimes you have to ask yourself why someone needs to know this about you - whilst I am out as gay to my extended family, I chose not to tell my grandmother because I knew it would upset her more than any conceivable benefit I could personally get from her knowing. I bring Nina to all family events. I do not hide her, and my gran is fond of her. But she chooses to believe she is just my friend, and that keeps the peace all round. Hope some of that ridiculous ramble is helpful!
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Old 04-09-2014, 05:35 PM
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NeverMoreMonkey NeverMoreMonkey is offline
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Thank you for sharing, tenK!

Ive already told my mom and step dad. And my closest friend.
Im not aching to run around and inform everyone, just considering the future and questions/reactions from people.

I know we are no where near sharing it with people, but I would like to in the future. Im proud of the people who Im with, and I don't want to treat one relationship like its not worth sharing. Depending on how my husband/bf feel about the situation I may never get to do that. It seems nice though.
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