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  #21  
Old 04-09-2014, 05:32 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Interesting how you put the big disclaimer on kink, and then call energy work "mystical hooey."
LOL, did you miss his username?
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  #22  
Old 04-09-2014, 10:44 AM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Interesting how you put the big disclaimer on kink, and then call energy work "mystical hooey." I can forgive it, because it's like any sense. I could no more expect a blind person to understand the "mystical hooey" of sight or a deaf person to understand he "mystical hooey" of sound, or for any of us to understand the "mystical hooey" of navigating thousands of kilometres using the Earth's magnetic field for a map.

It's something I would love to study scientifically and somehow measure or quantify, but I'm not a neurologist.
This thread isn't about you or about me. It's about trying to help the OP figure out her husband's response and how to deal with it. I had hoped my reaction, as a profoundly vanilla person, to recent developments in my wife's relationships might shed some light.

My reaction to my wife is slightly complicated, and perhaps idiosyncratic. His might also involve factors other than jealousy or resentment or fear.
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Last edited by hyperskeptic; 04-09-2014 at 11:01 AM.
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  #23  
Old 04-09-2014, 11:20 AM
london london is offline
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Our BDSM play is dirty and objectifying. In order to achieve a head space where he can feel like an object and I can feel like the owner of that object, we have to turn off everything that comes naturally in our relationship, because I'm just not the objectifying type.
Ok, but you do realise that some people are able to get into that frame of mind without "stepping out" in the way that you do, right? Mainly because the sadistic dominant partner understands that objectifying their masochistic submissive actually is being loving, considerate and all those other things. That's a need that individual has which is fulfilled by their romantic partner. Neither partner feels that this objectification threatens, opposes or compromises the romantic elements of their relationship, they feel it enhances it. Therefore, neither has to go into a different frame of mind and switch off anything. There isn't seperate head spaces. It's just one relationship with seperate but intertwining aspects.

I understand the issue taken with what you said because between the lines, it's as if you're saying that someone who doesn't have to switch off like you do probably doesn't have the healthy, loving relationship you do outside of the bedroom. You should only be able to be sadistic and objectifying to someone you either don't love or if you "step out" of your true self when you do those sorts of kinky sexual activities. As a kinky and poly person yourself, you can appreciate how irritating it can be when someone says "if you were in a normal/healthy/loving relationship, you wouldn't need this type of sex or this relationship style."

Last edited by london; 04-09-2014 at 11:32 AM.
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  #24  
Old 04-09-2014, 12:16 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Exactly, London. Exactly.
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  #25  
Old 04-09-2014, 12:28 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
OMG, this made me almost snort soda out my nose! You have no idea who you've said that to!
Even if someone is Master of 40 years of experience and runs a leather house with 500 members and a physical compound, if they say something that's off base, they can still be in error. Ive had long-standing misconceptions that required a realignment of my own thinking.

london did a great job of explaining things from a different angle.
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Last edited by vanquish; 04-09-2014 at 12:33 PM.
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  #26  
Old 04-10-2014, 04:33 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
LOL, did you miss his username?
Yes, yes I did. Valid point.

Nah, I'd be skeptical about it too if I hadn't experienced it myself. And so should anyone be. And there are plenty of frauds out there who really do perform "mystical hooey" and give it all a bad name.
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  #27  
Old 04-10-2014, 05:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Blonde7915 View Post
I think you are working two different posters into one. I am the original poster and there are no issues in my marriage other then my husbands discomfort with me forming a relationship with someone who shares a similar kink to myself.
Ahh, so I have. My apologies. Also, my most sincere apologies for my role in derailing the thread away from your issue. So, to bring us back on-topic...

Quote:
I asked my husband more about what he means by being 'punished' by not being into spanking. He explained that Mike gets to do something that has been a part of my sexual fantasies since childhood and he feels like he is missing out on something or some part of me.
I think what's needed here is simply acceptance. He *is* missing out on something. Sure, he's not into it and you're not the one making him miss out... But it's not irrational to feel inadequate when you really are unable to meet some of your wife's sexual needs.

It's possible that as long as you weren't getting your spanking desires met, he was able to tell himself that it wasn't that big of a deal, that you were fine without it. But then you come home all glowing because you can't really sit comfortably and that feels fantastic, and he gets to see how important it really is to you, and the bubble bursts.

So rather than gloss over it and tell himself it's irrational to feel that way, I think he needs to just allow himself to feel a little bummed out about it. You can't get over something until you actually accept it. Most things like that, once you actually truly accept them, you can go through a mourning process over them, and then the process completes and you no longer need to feel bad about it. But that process can't begin so long as your husband thinks it's dumb to feel bad about it.

Next is to realize that even though, yes, you have needs he can't meet... that's not the end of the world, and it doesn't even change anything within your relationship. You still love him just as much and you still enjoy the kind of sex that you do have just as much. I mean, his inability has been there all along, it just wasn't accentuated as much as it is now that you're getting it somewhere else. But as far as the two of you are concerned, nothing's changed.

At the same time, he can also choose to acknowledge the things that he has that no one else has, the things he can do for you that no other man can. I don't know what those are, but you probably do. Tell him how much those things mean to you and let him bask in his own awesomeness.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 04-10-2014 at 05:31 AM.
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  #28  
Old 04-14-2014, 06:58 AM
Blonde7915 Blonde7915 is offline
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Thanks for getting it back on track and yes I think you are right, when spanking was just something I would talk about like my husband would just dismiss it saying he did not get it, but now that I have found someone who gets it he does feel like he is not able to meet that need.

The de-railed discussion about BDSM was interesting too, when my husband has tried that type of play with me he has always put on this persona of an 'angry man' who is annoyed at me, but when I play with Mike is very sweet and not like that at all even though Mike is very much in charge and dominate. I think my husband has this belief that that is what all BDSM play is like and when I explained how Mike actually talks to me he was surprised. In further talks with my husband I became aware that he does not fully understand submission - he sees it as a very passive role, where the sub does nothing- just gets stuff done to them. I think this might explain some of his issues - a lack of understanding. But then he has no reason to have understanding it is not something that has interested him.

Thanks again to those who gave insight, it is really helpful to know that when issues arise there is a place that you can get help from.
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  #29  
Old 04-14-2014, 06:47 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by Blonde7915 View Post
But then he has no reason to have understanding it is not something that has interested him.
Well, no reason except it's something his wife is passionate about and even attempting to understand it would show her that he's at least interested in making an effort.

Gralson's biggest kink is anal fisting. I will never fully "understand" it because I'm just not wired to enjoy the feeling of my butt being stretched out that big. But learning about it, how to do it safely, what other people enjoy about it, what they get from it, and in general just trying to understand as much as I am able to, has gone a long way towards him feeling comfortable discussing and sharing it with me. More than anything, it's shown him that even if I don't understand the appeal, I accept it and don't judge him for it, as it's always been a source of shame for him.

So to that end, I think it would be helpful for your husband to independently and/or with you, learn about spanking, and try to gain as much understanding as he's capable of. He doesn't have to "fully" understand it to "intellectually" understand it. Some introductory reading suggestions: Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns and The Loving Dominant. TLD probably does a better job of explaining the part your husband doesn't understand. I enjoyed Screw the Roses for what it is, but a lot of people take objection to it, so you might want to read it first and make sure it's inline with what you feel. Warning: they're both heteronormative, which probably isn't an issue for the OP, but may irritate other readers.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 04-14-2014 at 06:50 PM.
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  #30  
Old 04-15-2014, 05:12 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I should also add that I don't go out of my way to tell my husband all the details of what Mike and myself get up to but we always answer honestly when asked about what went on during a date.
How about NOT telling details even when he asks? Keeping boundaries? Because what he NEEDS to know are things like safe sex practices, expected time home, etc. You are his spouse -- there's a basic level of concern and consideration to meet so he can feel safe and so he can feel his spouse is safe.

He might WANT to know details like if you got up to spanking or not this time during sex share, but sharing those kinds of details is fueling his insecure thoughts and those kinds of details are not yours alone. They also belong to Mike.

It's ok to say "I see you would like to know that, but those are personal details I will not share. We did share sex. I will not detail it. Just like if Mike asked, I would not share sex details with him about (you + me)."

Other than that -- you are doing all you can do -- being honest, keeping agreements, being punctual, not having anything to hide, etc. Or so it seems to me.

Has he articulated what the fear is about? Besides that he feels like he is being punished? What behavior are you doing that is "punishing" to him? Is he worried Mike is going to hurt you somehow?

Hang in there!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-15-2014 at 05:19 AM.
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