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  #11  
Old 04-08-2014, 04:56 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by loveartist View Post
Right now my husband and I are having other issues. He's been unemployed for quite some time, and because my contract for my own employment is up in a year and a half, wondering how we're going to continue on is very stressful and scary.

In addition, while I normally wouldn't have a problem with being the breadwinner indefinitely, in my opinion, the fact that I'm also covering expenses for a son he does not have with me further complicates things.
Ah. So now we come to what may be the core of it all.

When you had these other fuck buddies, were you having these other issues? Is there any escapism happening with the other guy? "Getting away from it all," that sort of thing? If not the case, is it possible that's how your husband sees it?

Many men find it emasculating to rely on their wives for financial support. It's unfortunate, this being 2014 and we're supposed to be past all that, but we're not. Old habits die hard.

It doesn't sound like you're thrilled about supporting his son. Does the son not have a mother who can cover her child's expenses? Is the child living with her or are you supporting an adult child (the phrasing made me wonder, because people don't usually call it "covering expenses" in regards to a child who lives with them)?

Furthermore, if he's got some desires that are not being met within the relationship because of other reasons, it's understandable to feel upset when someone else is getting those desires met with his wife.

Bottom line... I usually recommend having all relationships on firm and solid ground before starting new relationships. It doesn't sound like your marriage is on firm and solid ground at this time. That's probably where I would begin to deal with the problem of a husband exhibiting signs of insecurity. It's one thing to expect someone to just deal with their insecurity when it really is irrational. It's another thing entirely when they can see the cracks in their marriage getting bigger and causing other problems.

Honestly, I would probably call off all the fuck buddies, yours and hubby's, until I got the marriage issues sorted out. Not the "romantic" partners because that's a different kind of commitment, but the fb's can take care of their own sex needs for a while.
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  #12  
Old 04-08-2014, 05:51 AM
Blonde7915 Blonde7915 is offline
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Thanks for the great feedback. I like the idea of supporting him but in the end he needs to work out why he is feeling/behaving this way. As I said he has always been fine with other boyfriends or casual fuck buddies of mine. I asked my husband more about what he means by being 'punished' by not being into spanking. He explained that Mike gets to do something that has been a part of my sexual fantasies since childhood and he feels like he is missing out on something or some part of me. He said he knows it kind of silly because we have tried spanking together and he was just doing it because I wanted it and was not into it (which is one of things I enjoy about spanking with Mike is that he is really into it).

I wish I had known about this site during my whole time as a poly person rather then just the last six months.
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  #13  
Old 04-08-2014, 08:02 AM
Blonde7915 Blonde7915 is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post

Bottom line... I usually recommend having all relationships on firm and solid ground before starting new relationships. It doesn't sound like your marriage is on firm and solid ground at this time. That's probably where I would begin to deal with the problem of a husband exhibiting signs of insecurity. It's one thing to expect someone to just deal with their insecurity when it really is irrational. It's another thing entirely when they can see the cracks in their marriage getting bigger and causing other problems.

Honestly, I would probably call off all the fuck buddies, yours and hubby's, until I got the marriage issues sorted out. Not the "romantic" partners because that's a different kind of commitment, but the fb's can take care of their own sex needs for a while.
I think you are working two different posters into one. I am the original poster and there are no issues in my marriage other then my husbands discomfort with me forming a relationship with someone who shares a similar kink to myself.
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  #14  
Old 04-08-2014, 10:35 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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I find it really difficult to enjoy spanking/submissive fantasies whilst being the sole money earner and supporting husband and his child.

I think it can mess with your head a bit. Particularly if you are a feminist of some description. I think it's a big messy wad of conflicting values and learning. I write to say - really, don't feel bad about it. Most people would find that conflicting.
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  #15  
Old 04-08-2014, 01:07 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I apologize for the misunderstanding. I did not intend to imply that BDSM cannot be loving and compassionate. I was speaking of one type of BDSM play, specifically the detached objectification that Gralson enjoys as a bottom. He likes to be used and abused, treated as a sex object, beaten like a punching bag, and possessed as my personal play thing.

I don't understand it and I never will. His reactions when we're both able to get into that head space and play like that convince me that he truly does enjoy it. But love and compassion must be firmly locked in a box, or he completely loses his head space.



BDSM relationships are, "at their core," whatever the people in a BDSM relationship want it to be. Some of them are compassionate and loving, absolutely. But the class of all "BDSM relationships" includes, for example, play partners who are not in a long term D/s relationship, who only meet to use each other's kink to meet their own needs, and then part ways until next play session. These "kink buddies" may not be your preferred BDSM relationship style, but they cannot be discounted as valid just because they don't fit your ideal.



Kink includes a tremendous range of interactions, and "Use my body and don't see me as a person" style play sessions are absolutely contained within that spectrum.



I believe it was more a misunderstanding of what I meant than a misconception that I have.

Fucking is fucking. Fucking, itself, is not compassionate and loving. That doesn't mean that two people who are in a compassionate and loving relationship can't fuck. Fucking is still sex, and other kinds of sex are compassionate and loving, but fucking is not.

Some men cannot fuck their wives. They see her as the mother of their children, the caretaker of their home, the baker of their church's cookies. They can make loving, passionate love to their wife. They can go out and cheat on her with some harlot, and fuck her brains inside out. But they can't fuck their wives.

Similarly, BDSM play can be compassionate and loving, or it can be dirty and objectifying. Depending on your personal desires, it can be easy or hard to get into an objectifying frame of mind. In our case, it's hard. For other people, it may be easy. For other people still, their BDSM play is more compassionate and loving, and they just don't get into that dirty and objectifying frame of mind at all. Good for them, but not relevant to us. Our BDSM play is dirty and objectifying. In order to achieve a head space where he can feel like an object and I can feel like the owner of that object, we have to turn off everything that comes naturally in our relationship, because I'm just not the objectifying type.
You're re-enforcing my point. The guiding principle of safe, sane, and consensual BDSM, as it is accepted to be practiced by the community at large is that all of it...even the objectifying and degradation are done in service of the relationship, because you care and respect one another. In fact, those things are being done BECAUSE you love and respect them. That's not to be confused with being lovie-dovie and puppy-dog love.

Objectification and degradation that are untethered to the healthier core and healthier purpose becomes abuse for the sake of abuse.
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  #16  
Old 04-08-2014, 04:11 PM
loveartist loveartist is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Honestly, I would probably call off all the fuck buddies, yours and hubby's, until I got the marriage issues sorted out. Not the "romantic" partners because that's a different kind of commitment, but the fb's can take care of their own sex needs for a while.
I only have one romantic partner outside my marriage. My husband and I don't generally have the time or the energy for fuckbuddies unless we are physically separated.

Like when I deploy.
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  #17  
Old 04-09-2014, 02:13 AM
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Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
You're re-enforcing my point. The guiding principle of safe, sane, and consensual BDSM, as it is accepted to be practiced by the community at large is that all of it...even the objectifying and degradation are done in service of the relationship, because you care and respect one another. In fact, those things are being done BECAUSE you love and respect them.
Only if there's "a relationship."

In my experience, the play done outside relationships is very different in nature and in execution than the play done within relationships. It sounds like you're saying that only "BDSM in loving, compassionate relationship really counts" and that everything else is fake or misrepresenting the kink community.

BDSM play can also be anonymous encounters at public parties. The respect is only as deep as you would respect any perfect stranger. The care is only as much as is needed to be responsible through a scene, and not leave someone dangling out there in subspace, scared and alone. The love... is busy partying it up with her friends at the other end of the building.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 04-09-2014 at 02:19 AM.
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  #18  
Old 04-09-2014, 03:07 AM
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There may be something else at work in the OP's husband's response.

Speaking from my own experience as a deeply vanilla person, I have struggled even to understand the point of BDSM.

To me there's something alien and incomprehensible about kink.

(Please don't hate on me for daring to write all this in the open form. This is merely a matter of my own reaction to things, not a matter of what is True or what is Right. And, anyway, I make no apologies for being so deeply vanilla, and expect none from those who are deeply not vanilla.)

I was for a time involved in a woman - I've nicknamed her "Nyx", elsewhere - who was quite seriously kinky in all her other relationships. One of the reasons she gave for breaking off with me was her growing sense that the most I could summon regarding kink was a kind of grudging, amused tolerance, when what she needed from me was understanding or, at least, acceptance.

Now my wife - "Vix" - is getting involved with a younger woman, and they have been playing around with a D/s dynamic.

My wife described this, explained her emerging understanding of the role of consent and care in D/s relationships . . . and my response was at least a kind of aversion, though not actual disgust.

I'm still trying to triangulate what my reaction actually was. It has something to do with my understanding and my gut feeling about consent and the limits beyond which it should not be pushed. [Edit: In this case, it's also wrapped up in a lot of mystical hooey about "energy" I find deeply distasteful for other reasons.]

In any case, I guess the basic thing is that I was taken by surprise: my wife has expressed some idle curiosity about kink in the past, but this (fairly mild) interest was new. To that extent, she is not the person I thought she was or expected her to be.

To that extent, something alien has made its way into a 22-year relationship.

It's not hard for me to understand, then, how the OP's husband might have an adverse reaction to the OP's exploration of BDSM. It may be just that it's a new and alien aspect of someone he thought he knew, an aspect that may be baffling and, for him, perhaps, frightening.

It may be a struggle for him, and for the OP, to work through that at least to the point of amused tolerance, if not actual acceptance. I suppose that would be better than surliness.
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Last edited by hyperskeptic; 04-09-2014 at 03:34 AM.
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  #19  
Old 04-09-2014, 04:23 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
(Please don't hate on me for daring to write all this in the open form. This is merely a matter of my own reaction to things, not a matter of what is True or what is Right.

[Edit: In this case, it's also wrapped up in a lot of mystical hooey about "energy" I find deeply distasteful for other reasons.]
Interesting how you put the big disclaimer on kink, and then call energy work "mystical hooey." I can forgive it, because it's like any sense. I could no more expect a blind person to understand the "mystical hooey" of sight or a deaf person to understand he "mystical hooey" of sound, or for any of us to understand the "mystical hooey" of navigating thousands of kilometres using the Earth's magnetic field for a map.

It's something I would love to study scientifically and somehow measure or quantify, but I'm not a neurologist.
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Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #20  
Old 04-09-2014, 05:28 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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All due respect, but if that's what you're equating a D/s relationship with I'm not sure you've educated yourself in the lifestyle very much.
OMG, this made me almost snort soda out my nose! You have no idea who you've said that to!
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