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  #1  
Old 04-03-2014, 10:10 PM
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NeverMoreMonkey NeverMoreMonkey is offline
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Question Currently in an open relationship, but wanting poly

Ive personally felt like Im poly for the last five years. But never really discussed it and once I was dating my now husband I let it drop. I don't feel that monogamy is for me :/

My husband and I are both 25 and have discussed open relationships for the last year or so. Few months ago we transitioned into an open relationship. (He hasn't acted on this yet, he's more saving it for out of town) Our rules were/are more of a "Don't ask don't tell"
It feels uncomfortable because it creates lying by omission, in my opinion. Not saying who or when.
Also, part of the parameter we set was no committed relationships outside of ours.

Im starting to feel differently about the relationship part. Im not the kind of person who likes to have flings. And being married with a child in a small town (9,000) you have to trust the person enough not to go saying things to everyone.
I have a friend, who I have been intimate with a few times now. I really enjoy his company, Im not in love with him but I would like to date him, not just be a fwb. I already know he feels the same way.

I don't know how to introduce this idea to my husband. I don't want to leave him. I want him to be my #1 partner, and also have a boyfriend to share different experiences with. Im terrified that if I bring this up to my husband that he will shut down, or not be ok with me seeing my friend anymore if I bring up specifics. I don't want to lose this other person.

I grew up with a mom and step dad who were poly, and it worked for them and I see it as completely normal. I don't think it takes away from the other partner as long as theres trust.

Any suggestions or personal experiences would be appreciated. I don't know anyone poly (except my parents) and theirs crashed and burned after bringing in a permanent gf.

TL: DR: We have an open relationship, allowed to have romps. Id like to move into a poly relationship and have a long term bf too. I don't know how to approach the topic with my husband without creating hurt, jealousy, or losing my friend.
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Old 04-04-2014, 01:39 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I assume your husband knows your parents' relationship status? How has he reacted to that?
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Old 04-04-2014, 04:45 AM
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Yeah, I would suggest asking your husband how he feels about polyamory in general before breaking the news that you want to become polyamorous. But you'll still have to break that news soon. Sometimes people need time to process new information, so don't lose all hope if he reacts negatively at first.
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Old 04-04-2014, 07:32 AM
london london is offline
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If your husband has specified a limit regarding non monogamy such as "sex only", accept that choice and worthier deal with it or move on.
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Old 04-07-2014, 04:04 PM
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Sorry for the long wait. I hate using my phone to reply, so just waited until I had time for the computer.

The only limits we had specified before were tentative to the idea of having an open relationship at all. They weren't demands or ultimatums. We just wanted to be sure we didn't hurt each others feelings.

We actually stumbled into a conversation about the polyamorous idea. (He actually brought it up!) Very long story short, he already considers that Im dating this friend. And he knows this friend will keep me safe, and is good to our children. I told him out of the pool of people Ive considered, he is in it for a potential bf. That I enjoy his company very much.
My husband okayed me dating one person, and that having feelings and a relationship are ok. He still isn't comfortable with the idea of having a hinged relationship or doing things together as a group (date night, or watching a movie all together, taking the kids out to the park all together) and Im ok with that. I don't want to rush him into something he's not comfortable with. It is a nice dream though ^.^

He still doesn't want to know if we are doing things intimately, but that he is ok with it. And I feel a lot better knowing I can treat this person as special to me also.

My husband has been fabulous, and understanding.
Going from in the past having a bf who accused me of cheating on him because he had a dream where I kissed someone else (And expected me to apologize for the dream!) to having a husband who trusts me, and trusts that he is still the number one in my heart no matter what, is fantastic!

Sorry if my posts are too long, I babble in person, and I babble through my fingers!
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Old 04-07-2014, 04:08 PM
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Also, as far as my parents go, he knows and is ok with how their relationship worked out. Unfortunately they are no longer together, (my step dad is still with the girlfriend though) And honestly I think a lot of that was because of my mother's mental illness being in a very rough spot at the time.

Her perception on reality, and how others were treating her, and being treated by her, were a very warped thing. And its sad that it broke.

My husband had the rare luxury of having two parents, and two parents staying throughout his life together. I guess his mom had 2-3 affairs and it almost ripped them apart. So his experiences with a married couple sleeping with others wasn't that great. But he knows that that was a completely different situation
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Old 04-07-2014, 06:11 PM
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Just another note, I appreciate the positive to negative ratio of replies. I also asked a poly forum on reddit and a lot of people decided that I was betraying my husband because of what HE forbade (which he didn't) and that I was just trying to cheat on him with his permission.

You can't help approaching something one way, and finding out it doesn't work the way you were thinking, or that another way may be better. You can't possibly know what the outcome is.
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Old 04-07-2014, 07:01 PM
KerryRen KerryRen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeverMoreMonkey View Post
My husband okayed me dating one person, and that having feelings and a relationship are ok. He still isn't comfortable with the idea of having a hinged relationship or doing things together as a group (date night, or watching a movie all together, taking the kids out to the park all together) and Im ok with that. I don't want to rush him into something he's not comfortable with. It is a nice dream though ^.^
If you have a V, I think you'[re going to have a hinged relationship by default. Doing things together as a group is not a requirement of any poly relationship, though I think it's excellent to work toward. I find I have an intense desire to have all my loved ones together, preferably under the same roof -- but as all my loved ones may not share this desire, I doubt it will ever happen. And might be very destructive if it did.

It's good to determine boundaries and comfort levels, and it sounds like you're doing that. Don't forget to do that with the potential BF, too.
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Old 04-07-2014, 08:24 PM
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Sounds like things are working out so far. Small steps at a time, that's the key.
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Old 04-08-2014, 05:16 PM
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NeverMoreMonkey NeverMoreMonkey is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KerryRen View Post
If you have a V, I think you'[re going to have a hinged relationship by default. Doing things together as a group is not a requirement of any poly relationship, though I think it's excellent to work toward. I find I have an intense desire to have all my loved ones together, preferably under the same roof -- but as all my loved ones may not share this desire, I doubt it will ever happen. And might be very destructive if it did.

It's good to determine boundaries and comfort levels, and it sounds like you're doing that. Don't forget to do that with the potential BF, too.
I was under the impression a hinged relationship was when not everyone is intimate with each other, and one person is a hinge between the other two, not dependent on gender. Maybe Im just confused lol.

Id love to have us all doing things together, I know its not a requirement but it just sounds nice! And you're right, it very could well end up being destructive.


kdt26417: I think they are! small steps, small steps, small steps.
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