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  #21  
Old 04-06-2014, 06:02 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
THIS is what actual love is about--being there for someone even when something goes wrong and they can no longer service you.
"Love" is about whatever two people agree it is. Love for Magdlyn is different than love for me, because I'm mostly asexual and she's more sexual. Also, we're not talking about an old married couple in their 80s, we're talking about a couple that's been together for a relatively short while.

OP's not saying it's as black+white as "No sex? Get out of my house." She's saying "something's changed." If he had a diagnosis for age-related dementia or depression, that would be a completely different issue. She would know exactly why the affection has died off. But if someone starts behaving completely differently for no reason discernible to you, are you supposed to just have infinite patience just because you "love" someone? So, she's here trying to learn if we can discern a reason that's hidden to her.

Our society places a lot of importance on a man's ability to bring home the bacon. Being the stay-at-home-dad is often looked down on, as though the man was incapable of making enough money and his woman had to go pick up the slack. Staying home with the kids is "women's work" and "women are the weaker sex" so being a SAHD makes you weak. That's totally bullshit of course, but it's the underlying narrative in our culture.

Lots of men are excellent SAHDs, and they enjoy it, and lots of women enjoy their careers and would sooner shoot themselves than stay home all day with a bunch of needy kids. But it still leaves a lot of men feeling emasculated. Societal pressure is high.

Another thing... whatever this event that triggered the low self-esteem, was that ever actually dealt with? You went from "I'm being patient" to "fast-forward, he moved in." What happened during fast-forward? Did he get help for his issue? Did he find resolution on his own?

I'm thinking he probably needs some therapy. There's the original self-esteem issue that doesn't seem to have been resolved, and there's the new issue of being a SAHD in a culture where men don't stay home with the kids. None of those mean there's something "wrong" with him, it just means he's got some thing to work through, and a professional is the person to help him work through them.
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  #22  
Old 04-06-2014, 07:33 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Please note:
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Originally Posted by Lilysmile1 View Post
What was said by Whathappened was point blank, yes, but it didn't offend me or anything. I think it is a true and good point and there is no way that anyone could know if this was really true for this family or not. All anyone knows is what they glean from this little thread.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-08-2014 at 03:28 AM.
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  #23  
Old 04-07-2014, 06:55 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
The statement honed in on the infrequency of sex which seemed to be the core issue. There were other things at play but sex was certainly front and center.

Let's break the statement down logically.
The OP is having stress dealing with a sharp drop in sex frequency.
If there is a number of times which wouldn't seem "too few" then there is at least a general idea of how many times is enough.
That being the case one could suggest that the partner should be alerted of this minimum.
If the minimum amount of sex is not met and the OP is not able to adjust to this change then an adjustment to the relationship is next.
A likely adjustment to this relationship could be ending the cohabitation.
"If this is about sex, then by all means, let him know the weekly minimum in order to stay in your home," - sans sarcasm.

Does that pass your stringent views on what we can and can't say Mag? I want to make sure I don't overstep my bounds and speak in a manner you don't care for (THAT was sarcasm). [Edit: I guess technically that is irony delivered in a sarcastic manner.]
Nah. It was sarcasm. The idea that there would be a weekly minimum is so ridiculous that there can be no other reasonable reading.
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  #24  
Old 04-07-2014, 12:59 PM
london london is offline
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Frequency relates to quantity. If you say something is infrequent, you may have some idea of what frequency entails.
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