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  #11  
Old 04-05-2014, 01:53 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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If this were your husband and he seemed depressed, would you consider divorcing him over having sex only once a month?

If poly is about love, and you love this man, love is patient, love is kind...love stands by through the hard times.

What if had an illness or ED? Would you announce that you only loved him as long as he could perform?

If this is about sex, then by all means, let him know the weekly minimum in order to stay in your home.
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  #12  
Old 04-05-2014, 12:19 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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@WhatHappened-- your words are very harsh. the OP has said she is trying to be patient, but even her non sexual affection is not being returned lately.

She mentioned something that happened just 3 months into the relationship that was a blow to her new partner's self esteem, one wonders what that was.

Personally, I also get to feeling off when my female partner isn't into sexing me. I *have* let her know how I feel when she is standoffish. I need sex to feel bonded with a partner, or at least yummy making out. It's not something to be mocked in the way you have done. Many humans are like this.
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  #13  
Old 04-05-2014, 12:26 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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This is hardly mocking. It's telling it like it is. Sorry if you disagree, but this is a public board, where people are asked for opinions. Mine is that, where there is real love, we don't just toss our hands up because we're not getting enough sex.

I have watched an older couple at church for the last seven or eight years as this woman of about 5'4" helps her 6'3" husband with Alzheimer's into the pew, helps him through Mass, and helps him out again, takes him to soup suppers, helps him sit, gets his soup for him. THIS is what actual love is about--being there for someone even when something goes wrong and they can no longer service you.

REMINDER AGAIN: This is a public board where opinions were asked for. I've seen plenty of 'harsh' opinions tossed around. There's currently a defense going on elsewhere that it's perfectly acceptable to tell someone they're pulling a 'douche-bag move,' and, hey, people here use colorful language, so that's okay.

So I'm stating my opinion. If this is about love, then let's point out that the guy is clearly upset about something, or going into a depression, or has a health issue, or whatever, and true love steps in and is patient for however long it takes. If this is about sex, fine, but let's be honest and say so.
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  #14  
Old 04-05-2014, 02:42 PM
Lilysmile1 Lilysmile1 is offline
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As I shared earlier in this thread, just getting my thoughts out and hearing some different perspectives and insights was a big help to me.

The thing about venting thoughts, fears, worries, etc. in a public forum is that you nail down some of the thoughts you're thinking right then. And the people reading what you wrote will sometimes hone in on something deeply insightful that will help you, or maybe they will fix on something that is meaningful to them, or even a pet peeve.

Several things stand out to me as I think about this today;
- It helped a lot to hear confirmation that staying at home and not working and especially just giving his all to kiddos all day long could be playing a role. I mean, I knew this, but sometimes it just helps to share thoughts on it.

- I really don't want to share a whole lot of details about different aspects of the what and why because it just doesn't feel right to do so. Not trying to be mysterious, I guess, just respectful.

- Intimacy and sex are not the primary thing, but it IS one of many important facets in a relationship, especially early on. We usually go on as we have begun, NRE notwithstanding. I don't feel any shame about feeling some worry about a lack of intimacy and feeling of connection this early on ... If I were not noticing this and worrying I would be asleep at the wheel. There is no doubt that what we share is about far more than sex, something that is demonstrated clearly, in beautiful ways every day. What was said by Whathappened was point blank, yes, but it didn't offend me or anything. I think it is a true and good point and there is no way that anyone could know if this was really true for this family or not. All anyone knows is what they glean from this little thread.

- It isn't a question of him getting sexy often enough to be allowed to stay in "our home" because its OUR home. We are a family.

- It made me feel really warm and fuzzy to have someone point out that they can see that I have been being patient and that I do care and want to be supportive... so thank you for that. I'm just sorting out feelings and its been a super big help to hear all these thoughts.

I just love him like fire. I feel so grateful to have the ability to know this kind of family structure. To be able to be there for each other and grow together. To find out what works and the best way to be together, to grow together, and to love.

It is a good thing.
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  #15  
Old 04-05-2014, 05:02 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
This is hardly mocking. It's telling it like it is. Sorry if you disagree, but this is a public board, where people are asked for opinions. Mine is that, where there is real love, we don't just toss our hands up because we're not getting enough sex.

I have watched an older couple at church for the last seven or eight years as this woman of about 5'4" helps her 6'3" husband with Alzheimer's into the pew, helps him through Mass, and helps him out again, takes him to soup suppers, helps him sit, gets his soup for him. THIS is what actual love is about--being there for someone even when something goes wrong and they can no longer service you.
One persons "real love" is another persons nightmare. I'm glad the OP is getting the extremes of the spectrum to be able to help arrive at what is reasonable for her. I personally think that there is a happy medium to be had in that a relationship of value should include a bit of "tough out this rough patch, hopefully it will pass". It should also be tempered with the knowledge that living a genuine life is priority number one, so I should not confuse "giving it a real shot" with "I'm going to stick with this no matter how miserable I am". One is a reasonable display of dedication, the other is just going down with the ship. This is my opinion about "real love".

As an aside, while I don't 100% agree with your point, WhatHappened, I don't see anything rude about what you said. Please don't let the haters discourage you from making your points

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilysmile1 View Post
I also want to mention that when I met him he left his phone laying around unlocked all the time. I never took a look, but I noticed that he did not guard it. To me it meant, nothing to hide. Guess what? Yeah, you guessed it... he is super guarded about his phone now. Who knows what that could mean? A need for privacy just because of all the new and shared things? Scheming to get back together with his X who is the mom of his kids? Financial or other troubles that he prefers I not know? Something else? I tend to see that sort of behavior change as meaning something... am I wrong?
The paranoia about the phone, the potential conspiracy to hook up with his ex, and that he's just using you for financial support strikes me as an issue. The fact that your mind naturally went there either means something about your mental state or the it means that perhaps you don't know this fellow very well (which sounds like the culprit).

I'm not sure how long this relationship has gone on (you did a fast forward in your story but I didn't see a time stamp) but it is entirely possible that you are still getting to know him. A friend of mine told me that she thinks people are still getting acquainted a couple of years into most relationships; for me, this has proven true. As a personal example, my most recent gf and I were together for a year, we moved in together (with her other bf), she had a family crisis, and our relationship was completely redefined over the next few months. Turned out that we were not going to be able to relate romantically (or personally) after all so we parted ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilysmile1 View Post
I feel so grateful to have the ability to know this kind of family structure. To be able to be there for each other and grow together. To find out what works and the best way to be together, to grow together, and to love.

It is a good thing.
People do a lot of self talk. If we have an unknown mixed with the ability to let our mind wander we can convince ourselves of all kinds of crazy shit. Personally I really like this statement and encourage you to make it your mantra. There is no way for you to know how this is going to play out, is he going to come around and be an affectionate lover again? is this the way it is and everyone just needs to adjust? who knows. The only thing you can control is your behavior and your mental state, so keep an eye on your self-talk, be kind to your loved ones, be genuine, and take a deep breath.

Then, have the good sense to know when a relationship is bringing you pain instead of pleasure and make what ever adjustments are needed
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  #16  
Old 04-05-2014, 05:16 PM
Lilysmile1 Lilysmile1 is offline
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Marcus, yep. Yep. Yep.

I know him pretty well. And I find that the biggest thing I have learned on this journey is that knowing, or thinking that you know OTHERS isn't real and isn't the point anyway. It's knowing YOURSELF. All relationships come back to this. It is about that inner journey and growth.

If I had understood how deeply spiritual and growth-promoting poly really was, I would have opened my life to it many years ago. It will show you where you need to grow. It will show you where you are lying to yourself, insecure in yourself, lacking in true love of self or others. It will help you grow toward being fit for any kind of relationship - poly or otherwise... LOL! But it all starts with your own head and the noise inside of it.

And I agree about being genuine and true to myself, too. We can love others and live genuine lives and grow... and just be open to what happens next. I cannot wait to find out...
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  #17  
Old 04-05-2014, 06:09 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I'm not sure how long this relationship has gone on (you did a fast forward in your story but I didn't see a time stamp) but it is entirely possible that you are still getting to know him. A friend of mine told me that she thinks people are still getting acquainted a couple of years into most relationships; for me, this has proven true.
I'm one that has had success in my relationships (all both of them) by living together early on. For me, I don't think that I can really "get to know" someone if I am not living with them (perhaps because I am an introvert and am only really "me" when I am home?). For me, that is kind of where the "real" relationship starts (that and AFTER the NRE has worn off).

Very often, early on - less so as time passes, Dude would look at me after I had said something and state something along the lines of "I really don't understand you at all." And my response would be, "Of course not. We have only known each other for a minute. Give it time." Over the last few weeks (sparked, in part, by changes occurring in our various relationships with Lotus) we have had several conversations about how far we've come and how much we have changed. We decided that we have now been together for "more than a minute" (It will be three years in April)

My husband and I have been together 20+ years and I am still "getting to know" aspects of him. Part of this is because people grow and change and part of this is because there are so many layers that make us up - genetics, experiences, thoughts and responses - there is always another layer underneathe. Can we ever really know another person? Do we ever really know ourselves?

***JaneQ wanders off to think Deep Thoughts***
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  #18  
Old 04-06-2014, 11:32 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post

If this is about sex, then by all means, let him know the weekly minimum in order to stay in your home.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn
@WhatHappened-- your words are very harsh. the OP has said she is trying to be patient, but even her non sexual affection is not being returned lately.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
This is hardly mocking. It's telling it like it is. Sorry if you disagree, but this is a public board, where people are asked for opinions. Mine is that, where there is real love, we don't just toss our hands up because we're not getting enough sex.



REMINDER AGAIN: This is a public board where opinions were asked for. I've seen plenty of 'harsh' opinions tossed around...

So I'm stating my opinion. If this is about love, then let's point out that the guy is clearly upset about something, or going into a depression, or has a health issue, or whatever, and true love steps in and is patient for however long it takes. If this is about sex, fine, but let's be honest and say so.
I didn't say you couldn't express your opinion. It was the way you did that I found harsh. Saying, "If this is about sex, then by all means, let him know the weekly minimum in order to stay in your home," is flat-out sarcasm and also highly inaccurate, in light of what she actually said in her OP. Personally, I try to never use sarcasm in a conflict. It's never helpful to mock someone when they are crying out for help.

Nowhere and nohow did the OP "toss up her hands because she wasn't getting enough sex."

That doesn't make me a "hater," Marcus, to call someone out on using sarcasm on a new member like that. Sheesh!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post

As an aside, while I don't 100% agree with your point, WhatHappened, I don't see anything rude about what you said. Please don't let the haters discourage you from making your points.
One can make a point without saying things sarcastically.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #19  
Old 04-06-2014, 01:29 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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I've got to agree with Magdlyn, the comment about a "weekly minimum" was dripping in sarcasm. And when you factor in the gravity of the hypothetical situations WH was describing (I.e. dumping someone for having a medical condition they can't be blamed for), it trivialized the OP's concern for frequency of sex she was expressing a need for.

Frequency of sex IS an important issue.
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  #20  
Old 04-06-2014, 05:22 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I didn't say you couldn't express your opinion. It was the way you did that I found harsh. Saying, "If this is about sex, then by all means, let him know the weekly minimum in order to stay in your home," is flat-out sarcasm and also highly inaccurate, in light of what she actually said in her OP.
The statement honed in on the infrequency of sex which seemed to be the core issue. There were other things at play but sex was certainly front and center.

Let's break the statement down logically.
The OP is having stress dealing with a sharp drop in sex frequency.
If there is a number of times which wouldn't seem "too few" then there is at least a general idea of how many times is enough.
That being the case one could suggest that the partner should be alerted of this minimum.
If the minimum amount of sex is not met and the OP is not able to adjust to this change then an adjustment to the relationship is next.
A likely adjustment to this relationship could be ending the cohabitation.
"If this is about sex, then by all means, let him know the weekly minimum in order to stay in your home," - sans sarcasm.

Does that pass your stringent views on what we can and can't say Mag? I want to make sure I don't overstep my bounds and speak in a manner you don't care for (THAT was sarcasm). [Edit: I guess technically that is irony delivered in a sarcastic manner.]
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Last edited by Marcus; 04-06-2014 at 08:52 PM. Reason: Irony
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