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  #11  
Old 04-02-2014, 11:52 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Jealous or envious?

It sounds like envy of their ability to have uninterrupted time devoted to each other.

Nothing wrong with that.
I envy my daughter her energetic youth-who would think that is wrong?

Anyway-

Honesty is critical; especially in regards to feelings and needs.
Being pro-active about addressing feelings and needs will do your relationship much better than waiting for it to blow up.

So; how about laying out some designated "uninterruption" times.

Example; we have an agreement that when we are having dinner (any of us, three adults and 2 kids left at home). No cell phones/laptops etc.

The only exception is that if we are out and the kids are home alone (one is 14)-we will respond to calls from the kids.

Likewise, we don't do cells on dates or during intimate times.

BUT-what seems intimate needs to be addressed pointblank. I don't know any guys who think it's particularly intimate to go shopping for clothing-not even if it's your intimate apparel.
Almost ALL women I know think it is.

So you need to be honest and upfront about the specific times you would like his undivided attention (keeping in mind-that she may have expectations for him as well-when he is with her).

We also have a rule-between any partners; that emergency interruptions of dates are allowed OR if one of the kids needs to speak to any one of us for ANY reason-we will absolutely accept the call.

This has annoyed some potential partners; because they felt that if the kids were with a parent, and the other parent was on a date, the kids don't need the other parent. But we don't operate that way. The kids have 3 parents and they are free to contact any of us at any time. Period.


So-instead of thinking in abstract terms like "jealous".

Turn it concrete.

"I need x amt of uninterrupted time a day/week/month"
"I consider xyz very intimate times when I want your undivided attention"
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  #12  
Old 04-03-2014, 12:15 AM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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As a male I wouldn't consider bra shopping intimate time. It's the same as shoe shopping or whatever, I'm there but I don't want to be there so I'm just trying to keep myself occupied.

Also with 4 children it's probably fairly standard to get interrupted during sexy time. It's probably one of the things he likes about being with his gf. It's just a fact of life and I don't think is anything that should be taken personally.
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  #13  
Old 04-03-2014, 04:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatToDo View Post
As a male I wouldn't consider bra shopping intimate time. It's the same as shoe shopping or whatever, I'm there but I don't want to be there so I'm just trying to keep myself occupied.

Also with 4 children it's probably fairly standard to get interrupted during sexy time. It's probably one of the things he likes about being with his gf. It's just a fact of life and I don't think is anything that should be taken personally.
If the envy is a problem, though (and it sounds like it is), then they may need to make an effort to have some level of uninterrupted time for themselves as well. Just putting in the effort and showing that it's important to you can have a huge impact on the envious/hurt person, even if it doesn't give the same exact result.

And I never thought about it before, but I actually would consider bra shopping to be more intimate than, say, other types of clothes shopping. I'd probably add shoe shopping to our intimate list as well, but that's just because Chops has a thing for ladies in nice shoes. Point being, what might be an "of COURSE that's intimate" for one may be a "what are you TALKING about" for the other. Even if you don't end up on the same page, talking to your husband (OP) will let you know if you're even in the same book together.
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  #14  
Old 04-03-2014, 12:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Momof4 View Post
I'm pretty new to the lifestyle. If you've seen my introduction post, you know that I just recently agreed to the "open marriage" idea and have allowed my husband to get a girlfriend. I'm still sorting through feelings, and seeing where I fit in this whole situation.
Fit in?? Do you feel like you're getting alienated from your marriage? Why don't you try and find a boyfriend on the side. This isn't supposed to be a one-way compromise!

Quote:
Yesterday while out shopping for bras for me (which I consider a pretty intimate thing) he was texting her the whole time. Hey whatever, we get home and he and I are in the bedroom talking and we start getting intimate. I start giving him a blowjob and in the middle of it our kids (we have 4) start banging on our door and yelling for us. We obviously stop, and I go and deal with the kids. I admit I was giving him a little bit of an attitude and he asked what was wrong. I said "I bet that doesn't happen over there" and he says "no it sure doesn't" (She doesn't have any kids).
You can ask him for a boundary - please don't text her while we are having "us time". This is a pretty reasonable boundary and if it's something you need then it's something you need!

Quote:
I mean obviously this isn't the first time we've been "interrupted", and that is par for the course with kids (especially with 4, and one of them young enough to still wake at night).

While at our son's sports practice last night (he's a coach) I see him on his phone and I know he's texting her.

He asked me if I was jealous, and I told him "no that it's just typical that we get interrupted, but I'm fine."
Here I will say that you probably ought to work on getting more in touch with your emotions and learn to be more direct and honest about it. As a woman, you've been expected to be "fine" your whole life. You've been taught and conditioned to hide your emotions - even from yourself - for the sake of others. It's okay to be human and to be hurt, frustrated, and confused! You should have told him that you'd like to talk more later.

Quote:
He has told me he plans on being with her tonight after our son's sport game and he's going to leave straight from the game and be home really late. He's told me the interruption doesn't bother him, and that we'll finish another time. But in the mean time he's with her not having the kids around.
This is why I brought up scheduling. When you're balancing multiple partners it can be very important to have very clear "us time". Of course there are going to be interruptions but you can come up with agreements to work around that so that everyone feels fair.

Quote:
I know the relationship is still "new", so they're in the goo goo gah gah stage, but how do I get over this jealousy I'm feeling about him texting her while he's with his family and the fact that she can be intimate with him whenever she wants, however she wants.
We typically call that NRE (new relationship energy) and yeah it can be a major cause of jealousy in metamours.
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  #15  
Old 04-03-2014, 12:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatToDo View Post
As a male I wouldn't consider bra shopping intimate time. It's the same as shoe shopping or whatever, I'm there but I don't want to be there so I'm just trying to keep myself occupied.

Also with 4 children it's probably fairly standard to get interrupted during sexy time. It's probably one of the things he likes about being with his gf. It's just a fact of life and I don't think is anything that should be taken personally.
See with 4 kids nate and I don't have a lot of date opportunities so when we go shopping thaya our alone time and it wouldn't be appropriate for him to occupy his time with someone else. Sure respond to a text here and there if I'm in the dressing room alone but to spend the entire outing glued to his phone would piss me off. Best not to even start a conversation at that point. Beat to tell gf "im out with sue a few hours, I won't be texting during this time"
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  #16  
Old 04-03-2014, 01:48 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Originally Posted by RedPanda View Post
Fit in?? Do you feel like you're getting alienated from your marriage? Why don't you try and find a boyfriend on the side. This isn't supposed to be a one-way compromise!
I agree with almost everything you're saying except this. Here's why.

Getting a new partner can be a great thing to do for yourself, but if you're just doing it because your old partner isn't treating you right, I don't think that's the right reason. As you said later, they need to communicate more clearly and work on themselves first before adding a new person.

I've read a lot of threads where people say adding a partner isn't a good or quick fix for existing problems and I agree.
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  #17  
Old 04-03-2014, 02:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momof4 View Post
agreed to the "open marriage" idea and have allowed my husband to get a girlfriend.
As someone who is on the other end of this type of situation.this part of your statement is a huge red flag for me. it tells me that you didn't go into this with joy but were more pushed/pulled into it.

Is this maybe why your having difficulty being in this situation? I totally agree with the no texting while out with either partner in a date situation or at times when attention should be on the people your with, but do you show her the same consideration and not text him when he is with her.

Did she know you were out for some time alone with your husband (bra shopping or whatever) or that he was in the middle of coaching the game (family time). if he didn't make her aware of his family/SO time then it is his issue that needs to be address and how he keeps his OSO informed of when he is available for texting/calling.
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  #18  
Old 04-03-2014, 05:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
I agree with almost everything you're saying except this. Here's why.

Getting a new partner can be a great thing to do for yourself, but if you're just doing it because your old partner isn't treating you right, I don't think that's the right reason. As you said later, they need to communicate more clearly and work on themselves first before adding a new person.

I've read a lot of threads where people say adding a partner isn't a good or quick fix for existing problems and I agree.
The same could be said about opening up a marriage - opening a marriage should be done when not under the duress of a faltering relationship. My current relationship was predicated on both parties being polyamorous (I know this more common for young people today) and I really couldn't imagine altering an existing relationship from mono to poly.

There are some fundamentally different expectations when you choose monogamous or polyamorous lifestyles.

Although I could have worded my point better - the OP is not participating in polyamory; the OP seems to be maintaining those monogamous expectations. To me, it sounded like polyamory is just something that my partner is doing but I still want a monogamous relationship.

And yes, you can have mono-poly pairings as long as both parties understand what to expect.
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  #19  
Old 04-03-2014, 05:35 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatToDo View Post
As a male I wouldn't consider bra shopping intimate time. It's the same as shoe shopping or whatever, I'm there but I don't want to be there so I'm just trying to keep myself occupied.

Also with 4 children it's probably fairly standard to get interrupted during sexy time. It's probably one of the things he likes about being with his gf. It's just a fact of life and I don't think is anything that should be taken personally.
Since the kids (and all the responsibilities that come with them) belong to both parents, one of them keeping a relationship, in part, as an escape from parenting isn't appropriate. The OP isn't dating others so it will always fall on her to pick up the slack. It can end up feeling like her spouse stays married to have a free babysitter on date night. He will have to make sure to afford the OP the amount of time and attention the OP needs to not fall into that feeling because if what you suggest IS what's going on, the OP has every reason to be troubled. It means she has agreed not only to share her spouse with someone else but to also be a single parent when parenting pinches her spouse's style.
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  #20  
Old 04-03-2014, 07:44 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Originally Posted by RedPanda View Post

And yes, you can have mono-poly pairings as long as both parties understand what to expect.
Totally agree.
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