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  #21  
Old 04-07-2014, 07:24 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
To me the fact that he worries you will "get mad" if he shares what he is thinking or feeling tells me that he doesn't feel safe sharing with you. Why is that? Do you get angry when what he is trying to share doesn't align with your thoughts and feelings? How are you two supposed to reach a point of mutual understanding if you can't initially accept where he is coming from? How is your relationship supposed to grow if you can't acknowledge that his thoughts and feelings are just as valid as your own?

If you want someone to trust you with their heart and innermost thoughts, then you have to be trustworthy - that means listening with compassion and non-judgement, and then discussing calmly and objectively. It's a skill, like any other, that can be learned.
Bookbug, yes there are certainly times when I am mad. But there are also times when I am just frustrated with something and so the inflection in my voice changes. He is sensitive to that. I have had other relationships where I can have those same reactions and conversations without this reaction, so I do think this is something he is learning to accept, and we absolutely do have many conversations where we are both calm and communicate very well.

I believe I am coming across as a total bitch, and really I'm not. I just tend to post when my own emotions are running high, and I am in need of talking things out with people who are not the one I am having communication issues with in the moment. Helps me to find words for things I am feeling that I may not be expressing well myself. Most of the time its because I am feeling needy myself, and I dont feel like my own needs are getting met and so it is hard for me be the pillar for my partner in that moment.

That being said, we have had a very loving, communicative, productive weekend doing major financial things as well as taxes and organizing files for the household.
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Willow ~ 44yo bi woman, married to Bear (formerly known as TB) for 18 years
Bear-Maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
Armadillo (formerly known as BF) - currently out of the picture. Depression is evil...
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  #22  
Old 04-07-2014, 09:12 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by willowstar View Post
I believe I am coming across as a total bitch, and really I'm not.
I didn't get that impression, if it's any consolation.

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That being said, we have had a very loving, communicative, productive weekend doing major financial things as well as taxes and organizing files for the household.
If you can get through a weekend of major financial things and taxes and organizing, and still feel loving and communicative, you're doing something right

Money is probably the one area where I do still "get mad" if I'm not careful. Gralson just doesn't seem capable of sticking to his agreements when it comes to things like staying within his budget or not using the credit card. And I'm such a penny-pincher that we really bump heads over it. It's getting better, but any time we have a major blow-out, there's a good chance it started over money.
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  #23  
Old 04-07-2014, 11:33 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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I didn't get that impression, if it's any consolation.
Great! I know I can often just blurt things out and it does not always translate.



Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
If you can get through a weekend of major financial things and taxes and organizing, and still feel loving and communicative, you're doing something right

Money is probably the one area where I do still "get mad" if I'm not careful. Gralson just doesn't seem capable of sticking to his agreements when it comes to things like staying within his budget or not using the credit card. And I'm such a penny-pincher that we really bump heads over it. It's getting better, but any time we have a major blow-out, there's a good chance it started over money.
Yes, I am impressed we are doing it. We are actually dealing with catching up on some things we have been avoiding for a very long time. And previously we have been absolutely terrible about talking about money. In fact, we usually dont at all. We have had separate bank accounts for years, he pays some bills and I pay others. However, this system no longer works for us. So, we are working on actually having transparency around money, which is a whole new concept for us.
__________________
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori


Willow ~ 44yo bi woman, married to Bear (formerly known as TB) for 18 years
Bear-Maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
Armadillo (formerly known as BF) - currently out of the picture. Depression is evil...
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  #24  
Old 04-08-2014, 03:24 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by willowstar View Post
Bookbug, yes there are certainly times when I am mad. But there are also times when I am just frustrated with something and so the inflection in my voice changes. He is sensitive to that. I have had other relationships where I can have those same reactions and conversations without this reaction, so I do think this is something he is learning to accept, and we absolutely do have many conversations where we are both calm and communicate very well.

I believe I am coming across as a total bitch, and really I'm not. I just tend to post when my own emotions are running high, and I am in need of talking things out with people who are not the one I am having communication issues with in the moment. Helps me to find words for things I am feeling that I may not be expressing well myself. Most of the time its because I am feeling needy myself, and I dont feel like my own needs are getting met and so it is hard for me be the pillar for my partner in that moment.

That being said, we have had a very loving, communicative, productive weekend doing major financial things as well as taxes and organizing files for the household.
HA! No you are not coming across as a bitch. And I didn't mean to imply that you were.

While that doesn't seem to be the case with you (now that you've explained it) I have noticed that many couples do not communicate with their partners with the same respect they would give a stranger. This always baffles me.

But yes, now that you and Schroedinger have explained it, I do understand what you are saying. The Philosopher can be rather intense when an idea excites him, and his ex always interpreted that as anger - even when none of the dialogue was directed at her or their relationship. It could be about work or more often a philosophical concept, a bit of science. I always thought because she didn't share his excitement about such things she attributed the intensity to the most intense emotion she recognized. Anger. Sad really, because often he was in his element and couldn't have been happier.

So yes, fear due to upbringing is a large hurtle to overcome when trying to communicate.
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