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  #11  
Old 03-30-2014, 06:01 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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I agree. You can wait a few hours for a blowjob. And you should be there the whole time for your kid.
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  #12  
Old 03-30-2014, 09:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
Honestly, I am not sure why it hurt me...I just know that it DID hurt me. I don't really know why.
We can guess all day long about the motivations for your coming uncorked on him but you're the only person who actually knows why.

Was there some agreement about when and where he is allowed to fool around with this girl? Do you have some kind of VETO power or other control regarding what he can and cannot do with his body (and when)? You say you are fine with the threesomes but was it your expectation that there was nothing more between these two lovers? If so... did he know that?

In my life I absolutely refuse to take a lashing, *certainly* when the person doing the lashing doesn't even know WHY they are angry. To me, this is very much a *you* problem and the only thing he should be waiting for from you is a calm, apologetic, and thorough explanation for your behavior and expectations of the future.

Hopefully you can take a deep breath and separate out your knee jerk emotional reaction from the reality of what is actually happening. If he broke an agreement then so be it, if he didn't then so be it... either way I suggest less "feeling" and more "thinking".
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  #13  
Old 03-30-2014, 09:10 PM
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I think the part that would make me mad is they were using this family time as kind of a date. O dont go fuck sam on nates time. It just seems disrespectful
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  #14  
Old 03-30-2014, 09:38 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
In my life I absolutely refuse to take a lashing, *certainly* when the person doing the lashing doesn't even know WHY they are angry. To me, this is very much a *you* problem and the only thing he should be waiting for from you is a calm, apologetic, and thorough explanation for your behavior and expectations of the future.

Hopefully you can take a deep breath and separate out your knee jerk emotional reaction from the reality of what is actually happening. If he broke an agreement then so be it, if he didn't then so be it... either way I suggest less "feeling" and more "thinking".
I dunno. I always thought parenting time is when you don't come first. In this case, literally.

If parenting responsibilities are up for negotiation, for the first time, this might be the place to learn. But I see this from a parenting perspective, where the husband made a dumb choice and the girlfriend was disrespectful of responsibilities that she should be more aware of.
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  #15  
Old 03-30-2014, 10:29 PM
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I so appreciate everyone's reply. It really helps to get outside feedback, it help me process my thoughts in a more objective way....if that's at all possible.

When I said "lashing" that might have been too strong a word to use. I did not yell at him, but he DID know I was angry. I wouldn't yell because everyone was still in the house. I know I am not my hubby's dictator, was no it wasn't this yelling match...we don't communicate that way period. We have a very healthy communication method.

After reading everyone's replies and thinking on my own, I realized that I was upset because (1) he had asked me to sneak off with him and have some adult fun more than once during the party (and although I really wanted to, I said no) I didn't feel comfortable do it upstairs when our kids and others were alert downstairs. So I put my responsibilities first (making an adult decision to wait) but he decided to go ask her and SHE said yes and even him continuing to pursue it, even after I explained why it was not a good idea. (2) Communication as well, what? were they sneaking from me too??
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Happytovee- I think you hit the nail on the head. In the past I was fully aware of what was going the happen, so I had been able to mentally prepare (if you will)....this was a complete surprise to me. Communication is very important to me, and they failed to do that. If they needed a date, they should have said that. I think the other factors that have been mentioned added to it to.

Kernow/London/seakinganswers - I totally get that! Having kids around is a clear sign that sexual acts is not appropriate, even when you are sneaking to do it. Children can end up seeing or hearing (you just never know). There is JUST a time and place for everything. If they would have took some time to talk and connect, I would have been ok with that....sex when kids are alert in the house is weird to me and makes me feel uncomfortable. But I don't know if I am being too uptight about it

LovingRadiance - Yes, we do have duties, we or mom and dad. And dad decided to go off somewhere and get a sexual favor when he should have been more concerned with family time. Discipline, that's what was lacking here. And it shouldn't have taken me to bring that to light for him. And his girlfriend, I don't know...I will when I talk to her about it, her daughter was here too though

Marcus - As far as VETO power is concerned, I get where you are coming from. No I don't have that power, and I certainly don't want that kind of power. But morally I feel that it was wrong because of when and how they went about it. Don't you think that it was the wrong time? We had 5 children downstairs with me. What if I wanted to enjoy the acts they were experiencing too, but I couldn't because I was downstairs taking care of the kids. Why do they get to go upstairs and enjoy each other? Why not me? To be honest, hubby had asked me to sneak off and do something with him earlier during the party, but I told him know...maybe later after everyone went to sleep. SO I guess he tried with her and hit the jackpot.

Pulliman/vanquish/London - I agree. From a parenting perspective we SHOULD not be thinking of our wants....it is about our responsibility to our children. I was upset because in my opinion that was not the time or place.It wasn't the blowjob, it was the timing of the act that upset me.
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  #16  
Old 03-30-2014, 10:29 PM
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OP responded, most of this is no longer relevant:

Quote:
Originally Posted by pulliman View Post
I dunno. I always thought parenting time is when you don't come first. In this case, literally.

If parenting responsibilities are up for negotiation, for the first time, this might be the place to learn. But I see this from a parenting perspective, where the husband made a dumb choice and the girlfriend was disrespectful of responsibilities that she should be more aware of.
I get that some people might have a "no fun of any kind that does not involve the kids while at an official kid function" rule. If that's the case then this rule should be explicitly discussed and not just assumed or hinted at. The OP made exactly zero reference to any such understanding so there is currently no reason to believe that there is such a rule (orif there is, that it was ever discussed). If it wasn't discussed that would make it simply an example of lack of expressing expectations and this should be a learning experience for everyone involved.

I see no reason to label the husband as "dumb" or the gf as "disrespectful" when there is no evidence that this was the case.

Again, recall that the infamous blowjob happened after the party and the guest had all left. This blowjob took up so little "kids time" that by the time the OP realized they weren't in the room they were already cleaning up and presumably heading back to the party. Further remember that the OP stated explicitly that she has NO IDEA why she was upset and decided to "lash out" at her husband. The "dumb" husband asked what the issue was so that he could make sure to adjust in the future but the OP had no advice to offer. So all of this discussion about using kids as an excuse to lash out at our loved ones is purely conjecture.

What I would hope the OP could learn from this experience is to work on dealing with emotional responses in a more constructive manner and to consider logically what the problem is. Only then can the issue actually be addressed in a way which will encourage a healthy relationship. Personally I am against making excuses for that kind of behavior... even if "it's for the kids" is a really easy one to leap onto.
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Last edited by Marcus; 03-30-2014 at 10:34 PM.
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  #17  
Old 03-30-2014, 10:36 PM
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Mahogany Mahogany is offline
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Seakinganswers - I did not know the fantasy side of this situation. That makes sense because he had been trying with during the party (he did on more than one occasion. So I am sure that had something to do with it too.

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  #18  
Old 03-31-2014, 12:01 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pulliman View Post
I dunno. I always thought parenting time is when you don't come first. In this case, literally.

If parenting responsibilities are up for negotiation, for the first time, this might be the place to learn. But I see this from a parenting perspective, where the husband made a dumb choice and the girlfriend was disrespectful of responsibilities that she should be more aware of.
Precisely.
Not even saying flying off the handle was the appropriate way to handle it.

BUT-as a co-parent-(there are three of us); I expect and am expected to arrange my play time, ANY KIND of play time AROUND responsibilities to the kids.
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  #19  
Old 03-31-2014, 12:03 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
That just seems like conflating the word cheating into any possible tangential meaning. Infidelity = cheating.
Except that cheating IS the breaking of a promise.
We abuse the word to ONLY pertain to the breaking of promises pertaining to sex. But that isn't what it actually means.

If we have agreements, whether they are business agreements, educational agreements or relationship agreements, one party can cheat.

It's a common topic-cheating-at school.
IT's not a sex thing.
It's a breaking the agreement of responsibility.

The kids getting flunked out of college for cheating aren't being flunked out for fucking in the bathrooms.....
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  #20  
Old 03-31-2014, 12:06 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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cheat
verb (used with object)
1.to defraud; swindle: He cheated her out of her inheritance.
2.to deceive; influence by fraud: He cheated us into believing him a hero.
3.to elude; deprive of something expected: He cheated the law by suicide.
verb (used without object)
4.to practice fraud or deceit: She cheats without regrets.
5.to violate rules or regulations: He cheats at cards.
6.to take an examination or test in a dishonest way, as by improper access to answers.
7.Informal. to be sexually unfaithful (often followed by on ): Her husband knew she had been cheating all along. He cheated on his wife.

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