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Old 03-25-2014, 04:52 PM
wpschoch wpschoch is offline
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Default Need help with poly living arrangements

This is my first post on this forum so hi to all.

I'm hoping to get some advice on what I consider to be a fairly sticky situation. My wife and I got married in 2006. Last year we finally decided that we wanted to give an open relationship a shot and began seeing other people (separately for the most part). That alone seems to be something we can handle thus far. Jealousy has been an issue, but we've always worked through it.

Enter our female housemate. Our friend needed a place to stay so we opened our home. Since moving in with us, she and I have really hit it off as far as friendship goes. My wife likes to spend far more time away from home than I do which is part of the reason for this whole experiment. She needed more extroverted type fun than an introvert like myself cares to participate in on a daily basis.

As a result, I've had plenty of time to form a bond of sorts with our housemate. Long story short, she and I have feelings for each other, but my wife feels extremely threatened by that arrangement. I do understand her feelings. I'm sure I would feel the same if I were her.

So my question is this, in a truly open/poly relationship, is it unfair for me to ask her to do such a thing? For anyone who has attempted similar arrangements, your input would be extremely valuable to me. My wife isn't comfortable, but also wants to try to do what will make me happy. Should I just leave well enough alone or give this thing a try?
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Old 03-25-2014, 06:26 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wpschoch View Post
My wife likes to spend far more time away from home than I do which is part of the reason for this whole experiment.
This is a big perk to the poly approach to relating, imo.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wpschoch View Post
my wife feels extremely threatened by that arrangement. I do understand her feelings. I'm sure I would feel the same if I were her.
Why is that? The dating you two have been doing outside your relationship thus far has been of a purely physical variety?

Quote:
Originally Posted by wpschoch View Post
So my question is this, in a truly open/poly relationship, is it unfair for me to ask her to do such a thing? Should I just leave well enough alone or give this thing a try?
Your relationship will be as open as you two want it to be and "truly open" is purely individual perspective. What you would be better off focusing on is whether or not this set-up is working for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wpschoch View Post
My wife isn't comfortable, but also wants to try to do what will make me happy.
You are 100% in control of what you do with your time/body/emotions. So, you get to decide how much you will allow your wife (or anyone for that matter) to influence what you do.
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Old 03-26-2014, 07:35 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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How long has this friend been living with you? Is there an move-out date in sight or is it open ended?

Personally, I would really struggle with my husband dating someone who also lived with us (unless they were dating when she moved in, or I knew there was an interest/possibility beforehand). The possibility of drama, hurt feelings, and ending of friendships would be too much for me to handle. Add in the difficulty of creating boundaries, home space (I have my own room now, so if hubby brings someone home, I can retreat - would the women in your life have similar spaces that the other would NEVER intrude upon without an invite?), and just making sure the home life isn't made awkward by the changing dynamic... Ugh.

But, that is just me. If y'all come up with some boundaries/rules/agreements that make it seem doable, you're all consenting adults and should go for it.
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Old 03-26-2014, 10:49 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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It seems as though this going to be a big test of whether your relationship is open or not. If it really is, then you should get to date whomever you want. Now that will of course have consequences. To me, it's unfair for your wife to have veto power. On the other hand, she should be able to react however she wants to your decision. And you have to live with the consequences.

Either its open or its not.
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Old 03-26-2014, 12:31 PM
tenK tenK is offline
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If the problem is just that your wife is uncomfortable with your person-of-interest living in the same house as the pair of you, why can't you help your friend find a new place, and then take things from there? That might just solve the problem all round.
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