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Old 03-26-2014, 03:23 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Your other post was March 16. It's been 10 days since. Here's what I understand of things. I could be wrong, so bear with me.

I am trying to:
  • trying to stop convincing my husband to go with poly (i get better at it, but sometimes it is still hard!)
  • focus on both the good and the bad in our relationship:
  • Appreciate the good by mentioning it more often to him
  • Address the bad by trying to improve my own behavior and show it to my husband in concrete ways. So far...
    • i planned a baby sitter one night to go and sport with my husband
    • i send him more messages by phone
    • give him more attention, more sex, i complement him more
    • i do a lot in the house (more than before cleaning but also painting a door for example, knowing he dislikes the ammount of jobs still need to be done in the house),
    • i cut down some financial things because he thinks i spend too much,
    • i try to have more balance in between him and my BF, etc.

He is doing these things so far:
  • not given up and packed his suitcase
  • attending therapy
  • (what else is he working on? You do not state what he is doing. Note that it not being apparent to you doesn't mean he is doing "nothing")

I currently struggle with
  • coping with my sadness.
  • Wanting more verbal feedback /reassurance from him?
  • practicing patience/acceptance this is a process we are in right now

He struggles with:
  • articulating his needs when I ask him
  • being more communicative in general with me


I think you could keep doing the same things, develop a new track record for consistent behavior and practice patience.

You could give him TIME to digest and see that things are different, that even if the polyship folds these are things you intend to keep ON doing and are necessary for the health of the marriage.

Then he might become more willing to open up and reveal what he is willing to do for the marriage. If someone has been dinged, they are going to clam up, not open wide for more dinging. It's only been 10 days!


I think you might be "rushing" a bit right now because you are not comfortable right now.

You don't seem to handle ambiguity/anxiety well. It did not take 10 days to get here, it's probably going to take more than 10 days to resolve and heal. And he's also going to contemplate changing some core beliefs to accept polyshipping and thrive rather than merely survive. One does not change core beliefs in an instant.

Practice patience, keep up your search for better hinge balance, your search to be a better spouse.

Give the man time to arrive/address his own side of the coin. Don't pressure him to go faster than he can go just because you feel yucky in limbo. He is present, he is trying. He might still want to end polyshipping at the end of therapy, but he's sure not going to be EAGER to think about accepting it if you are rushing him emotionally.

Tend to YOUR emotional management business and let it be whatever it will be at the end of therapy.

If the main purpose of therapy is to work on the marriage, keep holding up your end of THAT stick. Respect that this process takes time, and it will take the time it takes.
  • You are not in charge of him and his process. He is.
  • You take care of you and your process.
  • Then both can take care of whatever is "our stuff" as a team. "Our process" will also take time.

If you cannot easily discern "who owns what" ask the counselor for help.


What i try to say is that i am feeling very very sad at the moment and i need (... Sorry, 'want') people to think with me how to handel the situation.
You seem to have a hard time expressing how you feel directly and to the point. This was buried in a later post. It could have been the first thing in the original post.

"I feel sad right now. We in works in progress and this is hard for me. I need comforting. Can anyone give me comforting words right now?"

I am sorry you are sad. Marriage counseling is hard work -- good for you in trying! Can you better articulate what causes you to feel sad? Thoughts you think? Behavior you do/do not do? Something else?

my eyes have opened and i see the things i can change. And my intentions are not only bad. I do love him and want to contribute to his happiness. I want to improve myself to improve the relationship between him and i, not only to keep my boyfriend.
Have you shared this with your husband? Perhaps sharing it helps alleviate “the sad” some. Make your intentions known so you can be held accountable and then make good on it. Become ok being “a work in progress.”

What i find diffecult is the fact that i feel here and from my husband that i am selfish to want this
Sentence structure is awkward. It is not (You see/observe X and then you think Y so you feel Z.)

You feel WHAT? Or do you mean to use "I think" here rather than "I feel"?

If you spend time sitting around telling yourself you are selfish, I don't see how that helps to lift you up out of sadness. You want what you want. You might not GET the want, and might have to process disappointment, but merely wanting something doesn't make you selfish.

Perhaps this is something to talk to the counselor about. I think what you mean is you feel “fearful” and you are busy beating yourself up for “being selfish” because you don't know what will happen. You are afraid. Rather than beating you up how about keeping it real and examining the option? Not DECIDING anything yet. Just examining choices?
  • You and husband break up.
  • You and BF break up.
  • You break up with both.
  • You all stay together.

Perhaps talking each option out with the counselor calmly would help alleviate the "fear" feelings surrounding each.

When decision time comes, if both of you are choosing freely from an informed place. Nobody is forcing anyone anything and being "selfish." There's nothing to "fear" either. It's just the options on the table and you've examined them all. Then both you and husband can choose what makes sense for each.

Hopefully they MATCH so you end up at desired outcome. To me you guys are working your way through poly hell stuff and trying to improve some intrapersonal skills and some interpersonal skills.


I observe you write a lot with “feels” and “needs.” Perhaps one of YOUR communication skills to grow would be to address that habit.
  • Some things are wants. Some things are needs. Not all wants are actual needs.
  • You might FEEL something, but it isn't so.

So now we are in a poly-situation for the time being while my husband doesn't accept my hand in working together. He feels i only do it to make him accept poly
There you leave out “Says.”

“He SAYS he feels I only do it to make him accept poly.”

Yes his behavior tells me that it is only a monogamous wife that he wants. Not me in any way, but monogamy is more important to him. And that is his right and up to me to decide if i want to give him that.

But, he also says: "yes i made up my mind a few weeks ago. I made u chose. But i know i should chose. I don't want poly. But, with therapy, i want to work on us. And since i am still here, not packing my suitcase, know that i want to try with you". So in words, yes he is still with me. But in his behavior i don't feel it.
I disagree. He finds YOU important. If you were not important to him in any way why would he be sticking around trying? He tells you in his words he wants to work on the shared marriage. And in his behavior he has NOT packed his suitcase and he IS attending therapy with you. So his behavior matches his words -- he is trying, you ARE important to him.

That YOU don't feel he is trying or that YOU feel you are not important to him is YOUR perception not your actuality.
  • Maybe because you want him to change a skill (be more communicative) quicker than he's been able to do it so far.
  • Maybe because you fear the final answer will be he cannot "do" poly.
  • Maybe something else.

But I see you are looking at (what isn't here yet) and (what I'm fearful of -- not being important to him/him asking for only monogamy) instead of looking at what IS here (husband still trying because I matter to him).

You could ask your counselor about helping doing your emotional management / what to do about emotional reasoning. Just because you feel something, doesn't mean it is so. I mean that kindly.

Let me ask you this -- could you be happy enough in (Monogamous with him but where I'm more free to express my poly thoughts and feelings) shape? If so, that's another place to go.

Maybe another place is (poly, but DADT) -- could he be happy there?

Rather than a black and white "Keep the V" or "Break up." There could be shades of gray in between that you both might be ok with for the next chunk of time.

But you guys actually have to TALK about these things and sort it out for yourselves. Hopefully therapy will help you find the ability to talk these things out better.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-26-2014 at 03:29 PM.
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Old 03-26-2014, 03:34 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Location: Pennsylvania
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Originally Posted by london View Post
He's actually doing the right thing by picking the best relationship style opposed to choosing a person. You should do the same. Mono or poly, not husband or boyfriend.

You are going to have to choose to remain in a monogamous relationship or to pursue polyamory.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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Old 03-26-2014, 05:56 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by Hoyam View Post
What can i do as a poly partner to make my husband feel loved, needed, and ok with me needing him and also needing somebody else? Are there poly advices for me??? Cause at this point i feel like there is nothing i can do to make him feel loved, but to pretend i am mono.
You can't. Period. He has to want to learn how to be ok with it. If he doesn't want to, then nothing you can do can "make him" feel those things. We are responsible for our own feelings, he for his, you for yours.

Ask yourself these questions: Would you be willing to make these marriage changes if you took polyamory off the table? Why did these cracks in your marriage not bother you until they became an impediment to having another relationship?

I always recommend fixing one relationship before adding others to your life. If your relationship with the other guy has any substance, it will still be there if you take a few months off to really deal with your marriage. If your commitment to your marriage is sincere, you can sacrifice a few months without the other guy while you really repair the cracks.

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I get very tired of people re-defining things they really, really, really want badly as a 'need.' It really, really, really isn't a 'need.'
While I agree that "dating Mr. X" is not a need, it is still a strategy for meeting a need. That need may be companionship, and being in a relationship with just one person may not be enough to satisfy that need for some people. Hoyam is the only authority on whether or not her needs are met by a particular arrangement.

Although "Dating Mr. X specifically" is not a need, "acceptance of my desires" is a need. Unfortunately, it's a need that her husband may be incapable of satisfying. If that's the case, it may be time to accept her husband's own feelings and desires and admit that their needs are not mutually compatible.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 03-27-2014, 12:38 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post

While I agree that "dating Mr. X" is not a need, it is still a strategy for meeting a need. That need may be companionship, and being in a relationship with just one person may not be enough to satisfy that need for some people. Hoyam is the only authority on whether or not her needs are met by a particular arrangement.

Although "Dating Mr. X specifically" is not a need, "acceptance of my desires" is a need. Unfortunately, it's a need that her husband may be incapable of satisfying. If that's the case, it may be time to accept her husband's own feelings and desires and admit that their needs are not mutually compatible.
Acceptance of desires is completely separate from the supposed 'need' to date, romance, and screw other men.

And I'm sorry, but there are plenty of ways to get companionship outside marriage without hurting her husband. She can have a hundred platonic friends. She can have emotional support from other women. This is not a choice between (have sex with another man) or (have no social connection or companionship whatsoever apart from husband.)

Correct, she is the 'authority.' She will decide. But as has been pointed out here, by me and others, making a decision to continue in behavior that is clearly hurting him is going to damage or end the marriage. And she is more likely to do so, thus ending her marriage and bringing pain and most likely many life changes that could be traumatic upon her children, if she continues mis-defining 'this boyfriend' or 'sex with other men' as a NEED, something she absolutely MUST have or....or....or what?

See, with a true NEED, we die without it. Or at least become seriously impaired. There's empirical evidence for what happens when people do not get food, water, or air. Or for what happens when a child is denied proper love and interaction with other human beings. Likewise, there is vast empirical evidence that human beings are entirely capable of happiness and fulfillment without having sex outside their marriage.

"Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
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Old 03-27-2014, 01:15 PM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Major city Eastern USA
Posts: 59
Default How To Deal With mono Partner


You have just received some really good advice from a number of people, on this post much more constructive than the last post you made because basically everyone now is telling you to focus on reality in some way rather than giving you their opinions on what you should do to CONVINCE you husband to accept your boyfriend. I THINK NOW YOU REALIZE THAT AT THIS POINT THAT IS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE TO KEEP PUSHING ON.

The one point that for now I think you still have not accepted is that at present you are NOT in a poly-mono relationship or anything close to it. That would imply that one partner sees others and the other accepts it even though they choose not to. I have always found that to resolve difficult situations it is best to deal in the real world or you strive to find resolution on a pipedream.

I think it was Schraders Cat that recommended to you that you put the boyfriend on hold until this resolves itself one way or the other. That is great advice because if your husband was talking to us I would be willing to bet that right now he sees you still maintaining contact with this man as “infidelity” and not as a discussion of poly-mono issues. In his mind right now, you are simply a wayward wife who is refusing to stop an EA and PA with another man despite the hurt it is causing him. How do you expect him to even put any degree of faith in the therapy if you are continuing on the with boyfriend with the Skyping and phone calls at any level when he is not accepting this any more. He is going to consider that as if you are following the advice you had received previously that some said to just say “I am going to do this whether you like it or not, but I’ll help you work thru it”. If that is where you are you should just get an attorney right now and save yourself some money, and I find it hard to believe any therapist who is meeting with two people on the porch of divorce will tell one party to just continue the activity that got you there in the first place.

You are coming to this board now looking for support and for someone to give you the magic bullet to make your husband accept what you are doing., You still really do not accept the poly is over right now in his eyes. We do not know if your husband is also seeking support on any forum or from friends. We know how your sister reacted, and she is your sister. Imagine the reaction he is getting from anyone else he may be confiding in. And if you want to get a real taste of the reaction of about 95% of the human race to what you are doing right now, check out an infidelity forum. That may give you a good idea of what your husband is feeling.

Most people in difficult situations want to hear what they want to hear. It is easier, but you are going to have to choose poly or mono without your husband sometime soon. And one more thing to ask your therapist. You are so convinced you are poly. Some on this board are not that convinced.

You lost passion for your husband physically, instead of going to the counseling you are in now, you found a concept (poly) that would enable you to sleep with other men, and not feel guilty about it. You husband, I am sure to his regret, made a mistake and let you run rough shod over him. He is paying the price for that now.

Some of the others have told you to choose the lifestyle, poly or mono, not the boyfriend or husband. Probably a good idea. But just remember if you decide you are poly, that means when your husband leaves you and finds someone else, which will probably happen, the next time you meet a man you should tell him you are poly and have no intentions of maintaining an exclusive relationship with him. That will be fine until you find someone who wants to marry you or enter into a real committed relationship. Then you will see how many will stick around.

Whether it is right or wrong, a very SMALL percentage of men will ever accept a relationship where their partner goes out and has sex with other men. So before you make this choice I would be sure that is what you want and that this is just still not a NRE fog that you are in.

Again, no one here is telling you anything other than to slow up and continue therapy. How well you listen to that will have a large part in determining the outcome.
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Old 03-27-2014, 01:33 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Over a year and a half ago I joined this forum in a very similar situation. I, too, was told "leave your husband and be polyamorous or stay and be monogamous." This all-or-nothing approach felt lose-lose to me. I wanted to bring more love into my life, not lose the great love I already had. So I ignored it, and I'm so glad I did.

Marriages where one partner is polyamorous and one is monogamous can work, there are a few on this forum. I haven't been at it long enough to tout mine as "successful," but I can tell you all the extra communication, honesty, and my personal happiness have brought my marriage to whole other level.

My situation was a little different, in that my husband knew I struggled with monogamy and preferred open relationships from day one, but I tried (and succeeded over a decade) to be monogamous for him. Still, we nearly separated when I fell for another person, and the first several months as we tried to navigate this new situation were certainly rocky.

I know you've got a boyfriend in the picture whose feelings count, but--and I lost track of this in my own situation--he's only been around a few months. Husband has a proven track record of being there for you, and it is important not to lose focus on him. The person I opened my marriage to be with turned out to be not at all who I thought she was. When that ended, hubby and I took time to hash out some agreements without another person prominently in my life.

My advice is go slow, and figure out what you both can and can't live with. For example, I have had to let go of any fantasy of living in one big happy poly family where my hubby is friends with his "metamours" and I live with more than one partner. Not going to happen, not if I want to stay married to my husband. That level of polyamory is beyond what he can do. But, he can give me time and space to cultivate a separate, secondary-type relationship, and for now, for me, that'll do fine.

Maybe, as Galagirl said, you can even just "be" poly without acting upon it for now. I know we all want what we want when we want it, but try to keep in mind the big picture.
Female, bi-amorous, mid 40's

on the spectrum between monogam-ish and poly-amorous

LDR Melinda, lesbian, early 30's
FWB Hal, straight, mid 40's
dating Joel, straight, mid 30's
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:32 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Sometimes you have to accept that your partner may not ever be ok with it. My ex only wanted a triad he had a one penis policy and I wasn't even to date women who had male partners. That wasn't aomething i was willing to accept. He was not meeting my needs nor was he willing to try so mw staying in a monogamous relationship with him was no longer an option for me.

He and i had been together 11 years and had 2 children. Ok stay with him would have been wasting my time. I was then it 29 that year and didn't want to be 40 wishing I had the nerve to make my life better

Last edited by Inyourendo; 03-27-2014 at 02:36 PM.
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:36 PM
Longshoreman Longshoreman is offline
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I have been following this thread carefully because I am in a similar situation to the OP's.

GalaGirl's post yesterday was very, very helpful. She has done an excellent job of using the OP's actual words, placing them in a consistent timeline, and pulling out the items that are in the OP's control, without drawing premature conclusions about how this will all turn out.

I, at least, am going to take her advice to focus on my own issues, not let my own anxiety become another pressure my spouse has to deal with, and let the counseling process do its thing.

Last edited by Longshoreman; 03-27-2014 at 09:48 PM. Reason: two typos
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:57 PM
polybynature polybynature is offline
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 78

Hoyam, this is a tricky situation. When I asked my spouse to be poly he threatened to divorce me. I had to think long and hard about if I could be mono, while he thought about if he could be poly. I came to realize, for me, mono wasn't an option. I love him and I wanted to be married to him, but we continuing to force mono would have made us both miserable. For him (and luckily for me) he agreed to give poly a shot and after a year of it, we are very happy. But it was a long hard road. his reading a lot, and our speaking to a poly counselor helped. Marriage counseling didn't work cause they were anti poly
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Old 03-27-2014, 07:16 PM
Hoyam Hoyam is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Europe
Posts: 49

Wauw thanks everyone for responding. It is comforting to know others are or were in the same situation. And even some of them survived.
Especially galagirl, thanks for taking time to make my story a little bit more clear to me! I will read it again, but it is realy useful. One question: what is DADT?

That i don't jump in my phone to break up with the boyfriend in my opinion is normal. And i don't use poly as an excuse not to feel guilty at all. If i am, it is not working! I am so sad, i feel so much guilt. I sometimes wish i never opened my eyes like this. Once u see it you cannot not-see-it. And i don't mean only poly. Also the cracks in the relationship. Not seeing would be easy sometimes!

Tomorrow therapy. I will deffinately take this all with me.
Straight woman, 34 with:
In love with straight mono husband, 35 (2001, married 2003)
In love with straight mono boyfriend, 44 (may 2013, who lives in another countrie)
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