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Old 03-25-2014, 08:47 AM
Hoyam Hoyam is offline
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Default How to deal with mono partner? tips for him and me please!

So, in another post i explained how my husband told me a while ago he didn't want to live a poly lifestyle with me (me being with him and my boyfriend in a V). We had very very diffecult weeks. Started therapy and after our first intake he adviced us to focus first on accepting the difference in opinion. Not try to convince the other, but to accept. Well, i find i don't realy know what to do with that. On one hand it gives me peace for the time being. But on the other hand, what is the difference in 'knowing' or observing' 'the difference in opinion and realy 'accept' it.

So what i tried to do while i try to accept it is:
- stop convincing my husband (i get better at it, but sometimes it is still hard!)
- focus on both the good and the bad in our relationship. The good by mentionning it more often (i think it is good to focus on the good things already in our mariage). The bad by trying to improve my own behaviour and show it to my husband. Since therapy i planned a baby sitter one night to go and sport with my husband, i send him more messages, give him more attention, more sex, i complement him more, i do a lot in the house (more than before cleaning but also painting a door for example, knowing he dislikes the ammount of jobs still need to be done in the house), i cut down some financial things because he thinks i spend too much, i try to have more balance in between him and my BF, etc.

Next to what concider 'working on our relationship' is, i ask him often what h needs me to work on. I give him the chance to express what he needs. He doesn't answer.

So now we are in a poly-situation for the time being while my husband doesn't accept my hand in working together. He feels i only do it to make him accept poly. Well, maybe that is my biggest wish, yes, but i truely feel we need to work on these things anyways. If we stay in a mono, poly or even divorced situation; we have kids together so we have to find solutions in the cracks of our relationship. I have seen many people get divorced and the small cracks that made them decide to get divorced got even bigger after the part of loving each other passed. And because we have a family i feel we have to face it one way or another.

So, without forcing or convinsing my husband into anything: i need some guidance to help us in the current situation.
- What can i do as a poly partner to make my husband feel loved, needed, and ok with me needing him and also needing somebody else? Are there poly advices for me??? Cause at this point i feel like there is nothing i can do to make him feel loved, but to pretend i am mono.
- What can he do to find his way as a mono partner of a woman who loves him deeply but also loves somebody else??

He is struggling so hard and closing up on me. I feel from deep inside that he is strong enough, that he can enjoy a life with me even if i am poly. I feel that he has thoughts and values from society, from his past that doesn't help him and if he is able to let that go we can be so good together. Even him loving me and maybe experiencing with another woman for example (we were both young and he has even less experience than me with relationships). I think he can realy fly, have good experiences from the safety of our good nest. Just like me. Anyhow, i notice me getting in the trying to convince-mode again. I am convinced, that is obvious. He is not. But for the time being:
please tips for both the mono and the poly partner!!
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  #2  
Old 03-25-2014, 01:32 PM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Hoyam,

Glad to see that your "poly friendly" therapist has also told you to try to work things out and communicate with one another to see if any compromise can be reached, which is what most of the responders to your previous thread advised. Now that you are paying for a therapist who has the credentials to try to help you, I suggest that other than moral support that you follow what this person says as long as you are comfortable with them as therapist. If you are not going to do that, then why pay. The opinions of others are probably not going to change from two weeks ago.

You apparantly have had one session, and i believe this will take time. You have stated that you are still poly so i am guessing that you are still in communication with your boyfriend, but are not contemplating any trips to see him until this plays out. I would find it hard to believe your therapist would recommend that.

I dont see why you are surprised that your husband feels that these changes you are making are only being done to extract something from him. And I personally do not believe he is going to accept this particular boyfriend because of all of the hurt he has experienced with this guy in the past eight months, but maybe i will be wrong. And eventually I believe you will have to decide that you will either be poly or divorced. Maybe I will be wrong. Only time will tell.

Good luck with your therapy. Whatever you decide, make sure it is right for you and not for the people on this board who do not have to walk in your shoes.
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Old 03-25-2014, 03:40 PM
london london is offline
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So, to be clear, you want advice on how you can behave in a way that will convince your husband to stay in a poly marriage, despite the fact it makes him unhappy?
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Old 03-26-2014, 04:17 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Ditto to both of the above posters.

He doesn't want to be in a poly marriage. He didn't sign up for it. He doesn't like it.

You ask:

Quote:
What can i do as a poly partner to make my husband feel loved, needed, and ok with me needing him and also needing somebody else?
No, you don't 'need' someone else. You may want it very badly. You may have a crush on this guy. You may have the hots for him. But you do not 'need' him. You need food and water. You need shelter and clothing. People are social beings and may need companionship. Children need their parents. But we do not need multiple sex partners or multiple romantic partners.

I get very tired of people re-defining things they really, really, really want badly as a 'need.' It really, really, really isn't a 'need.' But you are using that word to justify pressing on with what you want, in the face of your husband's clear objection, pain, and unwillingness to change the terms of marriage to which he agreed.

BTW...I spent years with a massive, huge infatuation with someone. I certainly know what it feels like. And yet, I never acted on it. And I survived. I'm here to tell the tale. Yeah, I know it hurts, but it's still not a 'need.'
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Old 03-26-2014, 10:44 AM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I second and third the aforementioned advice. My advice: keep going to therapy and quit pushing. Your husband has told you he is not happy with the arrangement. Thus, him dating another woman is not the answer. Especially if he is mono. You are not accepting him or his stance if you think dating will help him see your perspective. Are you doing those things you listed out of grand interest or simply to get him on board with the idea? IMO, the timing is suspicious. It would seem as if you are trying to show him that you can be present because he wants/needs you to be and not because you sincerely want to be. He might be shutting you out as a defence mechanism, a way of protecting himself from you, and likely to minimise the level hurt. You have been to one session. Keep going with an open mind and stop trying to convince him. You are doing too much, and he probably suspects that your efforts are forced and are backed by an ulterior motive.

Once again, I hope it works out for you, but if you keep pushing and trying to convince him, he will shut you out or leave. How is he supposed to accept you when you are not accepting him or even respecting his feelings because they do not match yours? No one said you have to cave to appease him but a little empathy and a lot less pushing might get you a cm further than "convincing mode." Just my opinion, though.
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Old 03-26-2014, 11:33 AM
Hoyam Hoyam is offline
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Yes fulloflove, i totally agree. My problem, and i will ask the therapist tomorrow is HOW do i accept. As i said before: i know, see, feel, observe he has a different opinion at the moment (just starting he was not as anti as now). But how accept?

I know therapy should take time. Therapy doesn't work after one session. So i know i should give it time. But... I also know that the big changes, the hard work is not during sessions but in between. The first session gave me inspiration. That man told me that this doesn't happen by sudden, it is no coincidence. So it stands for something that is in between my husband and i. We both agree. That has nothing to do with who ever the other guy is. So, with that in my mind i got inspiration and energy to work on our relationship.
In this period of accepting my opinion and his being different we have to deal with the fact that at this moment it is in our lives. So no, london, i don't need advice how to convince him. What i try to say is that i am feeling very very sad at the moment and i need (... Sorry, 'want') people to think with me how to handel the situation. So i ask what i, as currently poly woman, can do. And i ask what he can do to find HIS way (not nessecairely the poly way). Just waiting for answers to fly into my room is not my style. I am the type of person who wants to act, to try, to fail, to learn, and try new things.

Friskyone4u i am not surprised my husband feels i only work on us to protect what i have with the boyfriend. I understand very well. I would think the same. And for a part that is true obviously. I am no saint, yes i try to get what i want and not lose what i love. Selfish, like human beings are. Like he is trying to get me for himself. I truely understand. But it hurts also a little bit cause my eyes have opened and i see the things i can change. And my intentions are not only bad. I do love him and want to contribute to his happiness. I want to improve myself to improve the relationship between him and i, not only to keep my boyfriend.
What i find diffecult is the fact that i feel here and from my husband that i am selfish to want this. But i believe human beings are selfish. Even people who do everything for somebody else do it often to go to heaven, because the picture of them being so kind pleases their own ego or cause they need people to like them very much.

Anyhow. Yes i notice me going to the convince mode all the time. I am like somebody just quit smoking. I learned it is not that hard or diffecult when u do it and it is so healthy, good for finances, good for smelling et cetera. So having found this new, good lifestyle i need to convince the people i love. And i know this behaviour is annoying, not helping others who don't want to be helped, and useless. I know and i succeed sometimes in keeping my mouth shut. But not always, obviously. It is a struggle.
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Old 03-26-2014, 12:20 PM
london london is offline
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I think you need to accept that whilst poly is great for you, it's horrible for some. Even when they know it works just fine for others and isn't inferior to monogamy. That's really it.
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Old 03-26-2014, 12:48 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Hoyam, I understand and appreciate the things you are doing to try to reconnect with your husband - but the effort takes two. He also has to want to reconnect. And you may not be able to influence this if he has made up his mind that he wants a monogamous wife, and nothing else will do. Given his behavior, it sounds as if this may be the case, since he views your attention with suspicion.

However, the flip side is that by choosing not to acknowledge your efforts, what is he offering that would make you want to be monogamous with him? If he can't work on your relationship at all until he is certain of getting his way, then he isn't offering you much to work with.

In any event, sure continue to reach out to him. But as the others said, quit trying to convince him of anything.
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Old 03-26-2014, 01:17 PM
Hoyam Hoyam is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
Hoyam, I understand and appreciate the things you are doing to try to reconnect with your husband - but the effort takes two. He also has to want to reconnect. And you may not be able to influence this if he has made up his mind that he wants a monogamous wife, and nothing else will do. Given his behavior, it sounds as if this may be the case, since he views your attention with suspicion.

However, the flip side is that by choosing not to acknowledge your efforts, what is he offering that would make you want to be monogamous with him? If he can't work on your relationship at all until he is certain of getting his way, then he isn't offering you much to work with.

In any event, sure continue to reach out to him. But as the others said, quit trying to convince him of anything.
Thanks, this describes my feelings well. Yes i want to be with him first of all because of our beautiful children, our great history together. For me it is not an option to leave just like that. But maybe in the future it will change. Kids and a good past are not everything. We need a good future and a good present also.
But... I also want to be with him cause i love him deeply. He is kind, caring, calm, intelligent, good looking, social, accepting (well, everything but poly!), etc.

I feel indeed like he doesn't offer me much to work with sometimes. And i know that it is not that he doesn't want, but he just can't. He is like that, he doesn't talk about diffeculties. Communication is not his quality.
He is a good man in the most standard way you can imagine. He wouldn't hurt a fly, he never misses a day at work, he takes good care of his wife, house, kids... That is what makes him so good. But, also diffecult to be different from the majority, diffecult to think outside the box.

Yes his behaviour tells me that it is only a monogamous wife that he wants. Not me in any way, but monogamy is more important to him. And that is his right and up to me to decide if i want to give him that.
But, he also says: ,,yes i made up my mind a few weeks ago. I made u chose. But i know i should chose. I don't want poly. But, with therapy, i want to work on us. And since i am still here, not packing my suitcase, know that i want to try with you". So in words, yes he is still with me. But in his behaviour i don't feel it.

Yes london, that is the diffecult part. People can feel opposite about this subject. Since i never knew this from myself, it just surprised us, also we didn't chose this from the start. So we have to deal with this in the current situation, not a chose before. Both him and me, we are stuck in a situation where we love each other but have different opinion. Normally we were always easy to tune in. We never realy disagreed. And now.... Such a huge topic, and we are not able to work it out.

I feel sorry for the counselor
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In love with straight mono husband, 35 (2001, married 2003)
In love with straight mono boyfriend, 44 (may 2013, who lives in another countrie)
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  #10  
Old 03-26-2014, 01:32 PM
london london is offline
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He's actually doing the right thing by picking the best relationship style opposed to choosing a person. You should do the same. Mono or poly, not husband or boyfriend.
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