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  #1  
Old 03-12-2014, 09:49 PM
Snic85 Snic85 is offline
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Unhappy Having a hard time letting go....

I don't know what to do. My ex dumped me a week ago. We where together for about four months. I know that may not seem long, but I feel like we had something really special. I felt like he was the first person that has truly understood me. He seemed okay with the fact that I am married and even met my husband about two weeks prior. Two days prior to the break up, he talked about how much he cared for me, loved me, and would do anything not to loose me.
So he gave me a few reasons why he broke it off. He divorced about 9 months ago, it was mutual. He said that he needs time to heal and work to improve himself. He does have depression and self esteem issues. He said till he fixes his issues, he can't have a "deep relationship" like ours. He also said that by breaking things off now he is protecting himself from getting hurt and after some deep thought he has decided that poly is not for him.
The breakup was a completely a surprise to me, everything was going so good. The only thing he ever indicated was that he wished he would have met me first, before my husband.
I haven't heard from him since, it's been a week. He said he needs time to heal from this and would like to be friends in the future.
I have never felt the pain that I feel now. It's really taking a toll on me. My husband is surprised at how hard I'm taking this. I am trying so hard not to contact him. He refuses to see me in person, says it's too difficult for him. He even dumped me in a text message. He said he couldn't bare to see me cry and didn't think he cold go through with it face to face. How cowardly!
I want to fight for him, but he has made up his mind. I don't know if I should try to fight or just let him go.

I did send him an email telling him how I felt, two days after the break up. All he said was that he balled his eyes out while reading it.
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  #2  
Old 03-12-2014, 10:30 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Let him go. Yeah, the text break up may be cowardly, but he's being honest with himself.

The pain, well that's because a break-up during NRE is just as hard as if you were breaking up and being together a year, 10 years, 20 years...your heart/mind just hasn't lost those endorphins from this new romance.

I experienced this mildly last October when a boyfriend turned out to only want nsa from me. I got a bit too emotionally invested a bit too early. For some weird reason it affected me in such a devastating way, I had to go work out a lot to get those "sad" feelers out of my system and to move on.

You can't "fight" to keep him...he's made his decision. You can only accept it and be friends or accept it and move on and never be friends.
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Old 03-13-2014, 12:53 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I imagine the fact that you had no clue that this was coming made it much harder on you than if you'd had hints along the way. Part of what you are feeling is probably shock. If he'd periodically expressed doubts, you would have somewhat prepared yourself for the possibility.

On the flip side of it, if he's been divorced just 9 months, I am sure his personal feelings in general have not had time to settle. I imagine he wanted to be that guy who was ready to be with someone, who could be poly, but I am betting he really doesn't have any feel for what he wants - except for the self-doubt and pain to stop.

Anyway, I am sorry.
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Old 03-13-2014, 03:40 AM
Snic85 Snic85 is offline
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You are so right about feeling shocked. I told him that he should have expressed his concerns. I wish he would have let me in, it would have made things easier if i would have had a clue.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
I imagine the fact that you had no clue that this was coming made it much harder on you than if you'd had hints along the way. Part of what you are feeling is probably shock. If he'd periodically expressed doubts, you would have somewhat prepared yourself for the possibility.

On the flip side of it, if he's been divorced just 9 months, I am sure his personal feelings in general have not had time to settle. I imagine he wanted to be that guy who was ready to be with someone, who could be poly, but I am betting he really doesn't have any feel for what he wants - except for the self-doubt and pain to stop.

Anyway, I am sorry.
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  #5  
Old 03-13-2014, 08:40 AM
Hoyam Hoyam is offline
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I can realy understand the pain and frustration about this. I have no usefull things to say, that would help u since i am struggling myself and i am very new to this poly thing.

It seems like the BF is not ready (yet or will never be) and that is diffecult to change. As said before: he probably wanted to be ready for starting again, for closing the period of divorcing, but he is not ready. Question is how you can deal with this... Your husband, is he able to help u? Me i find that the most lonely part of polyamory. I cannot always share my ups and downs with the BF with my husband for example cause i have to respect his feelings. Nobody knows about my BF cause it is not accepted in society, so not the first thing to tell. So at times of hurt it is a lonely kind of hurt. I remember for example the frustration i felt whit a miscariage; having to accept something i don't want, i cannot control... It was more or less the same hurt/frustration. The only difference is that when that happend everybody that knew, was supporting, helping. So in this case, i think you will have to look for how you can help yourself. And that is what i find a beautiful thing about poly: it makes me stronger, more independant, it is more intimate between me-husband-bf.It forces to solve problems and issues in between that you cannot deal with somewhere else. Hope you can find a way like that also.

Good luck!
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Old 03-13-2014, 01:45 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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Depression and self-esteem issues? Yes, I've dated that, several times.

My experience has been, a guy who is depressed and feels worthless in some way can be a very sweet, attentive, wonderful partner, until eventually it dawns on him that if he's worthless and you really care about him, then maybe you're not so great yourself. (I am not implying this is true, but that is how their tiny little minds work, the guys with low self-esteem.) And then he's going to treat you like shit (like dump you in a text message). You may have gotten off easy after only investing four months of your time. Maybe you'll be smarter than me and it will only take you one of these guys to learn to seek out happy, emotionally healthy people.

I am sorry you are hurting, but I can promise that you WILL feel better in time. The heart is a really resilient muscle.
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Last edited by scarletzinnia; 03-13-2014 at 01:47 PM.
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  #7  
Old 03-13-2014, 06:13 PM
Snic85 Snic85 is offline
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Honest my ass! Then why did he reactivete his profile on the dating page we met on. He obviously lied about needing to be single for a while. Maybe lying makes him feel better. He's pretty damn good at it. I've never dated someone who could lie so easily to my face and I not pick up on it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
Let him go. Yeah, the text break up may be cowardly, but he's being honest with himself.

The pain, well that's because a break-up during NRE is just as hard as if you were breaking up and being together a year, 10 years, 20 years...your heart/mind just hasn't lost those endorphins from this new romance.

I experienced this mildly last October when a boyfriend turned out to only want nsa from me. I got a bit too emotionally invested a bit too early. For some weird reason it affected me in such a devastating way, I had to go work out a lot to get those "sad" feelers out of my system and to move on.

You can't "fight" to keep him...he's made his decision. You can only accept it and be friends or accept it and move on and never be friends.
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  #8  
Old 03-13-2014, 07:16 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snic85 View Post
Honest my ass! Then why did he reactivete his profile on the dating page we met on. He obviously lied about needing to be single for a while. Maybe lying makes him feel better. He's pretty damn good at it. I've never dated someone who could lie so easily to my face and I not pick up on it.
Well now that changes everything. Definitely not a guy I'd fight for or pine over. Once a person can lie they mostly can never stop.
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Old 03-13-2014, 07:43 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Don't fall in love with a fantasy.
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Old 03-14-2014, 12:55 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snic85 View Post
Honest my ass! Then why did he reactivete his profile on the dating page we met on. He obviously lied about needing to be single for a while. Maybe lying makes him feel better. He's pretty damn good at it. I've never dated someone who could lie so easily to my face and I not pick up on it.
I doubt it's as sinister as all of that, but I understand how the breakup emotions work. It's FAR easier to move past someone who is not a part of our lives any longer if we are not pining to have them back. So, we assign villainy to their character to make it easier for us to rationalize moving on. It's pretty normal, though I'm not sure it's actually very healthy.

Here's how it sounds to me:
He met someone he liked and they dated.
She (I'm guessing, I don't know the genders involved) was married but it was all in the open, so... whatever.
He has some lingering feelings about his divorce, some emotional issues that weigh him down, but this girl feels good and he's glad to have her.
Then he meets her husband...
This poly thing is now very real and he has to come to terms with the fact that he is "sharing" this girl with her "real" love.
It eats at him for a couple of weeks and then he can't stand it anymore.
He texts a breakup, tries to explain, tries to give her the answers he thinks will ease the shock and pain for her.
After a short while he puts his dating profile back up. Maybe as a distraction, maybe hoping to fill the void he thought he'd already filled... but definitely not going to entertain the idea of poly any time soon.
Throwing around "coward" and "liar" seems like a defense mechanism to avoid feeling emotions related to loss. It's ok to miss him and to long for what could have been. You don't need him to be a bad guy to get over him.

Break ups suck the big one. Sorry you're going through it and I hope that you can maintain honesty with yourself and grow from the pain.
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