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Old 03-24-2014, 07:29 PM
westVan westVan is offline
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 56

Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
@WestVan, does your bf introduce both of you to friends, or does only one partner meet friends and family? Is it a primary/secondary type relationship or some other structure?
We're long distance, see each other every couple weeks or so for a few days. when we're out and run into anyone one either of us knows then we introduce each other as BF/GF . and I have been introduced to his family. we take turns traveling to see each other.

I consider myself solo or independant. and view all my relationships that way. he handles his other relationships and I handle mine.
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Old 03-24-2014, 07:33 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Location: Pennsylvania
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You have to ask yourself this.... How feasible is it really going to be to be able to have the relationships you want with ALL partners if your current partner requires no contact or glimmer of existence in regards to other partners.

There is NO WAY I could have both husbands in my life if I couldn't communicate with the other in their presence. I only have small windows throughout the day I can communicate it Murf due to his work schedule. What about important life events? shouldn't other other partner be apart of all aspects of your life too?

I know I would not be happy being a dirty little secret. If Butch had required that Murf be completely hidden from him then I would have had to make a choice. Continue on in a monogamous relationship with Butch or leave the marriage if I could not live that way.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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Old 03-24-2014, 07:36 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North Idaho
Posts: 346

I've met my metamour, went out to dinner with her and her husband and my husband (metamour and spouse sat next to each other and we're sort of on a date). I like my metamout, I like her husband but I currently don't want besties with them. Nothing against them. They are wonderful people but with being new to poly, new to all of this, I personally feel safer (that's the big thing for me) keeping it less personal, for now.

The problem is my spouse is in a relationship where this poly couple (hubs is only seeing the wife) is possibly or wants to be "poly-fidelous". Now my understanding of that term seems to be different than all involved. I am not in relationship with them, only my husband is with the wife. But because of my resistance for some big happy family, communication that I truly only need to do with my husband (due to living together and our relationship) is being told to me all 5 of us should sit down and talk. I'm like wtf? Your girlfriend's husband and his girlfriend have absolutely nothing to do with you and me. I don't have an emotional investment with them. What metamour's husband and his girlfriend do don't affect me nor will it ever affect me. Now hub's relationship with my metamour...yes when problems come from her and her husband's relationship spill over into mine with hub and problems hub and I have may spill over into his with my metamour...but that's because hub and metamour have made a choice to discuss their "problem spouses" so they let it affect their relationship.

For some...a communal environment might give them some "security". But for me, my business is my business and if I chose to share than that's my right. Yet I fell pushed, which causes me anxiety, to fulfill this weird entanglement with others who truly mean absolutely nothing to me. If they moved away next week, I would be aware they were gone, but it has no effect on me. Maybe I'm just a bit cold with those I have no emotional connection with, shrugs.

It's like having to live all together. Yeah that's ideal, but for some of us, a bit set in our ways, wanting our own space to continue to be our own space, why should any one be guilted to let their lover's lover get all in that? That's not autonomy, that's another form of control.

I apologize for ranting. I only wanted to point out certain types of poly just doesn't work for everyone involved. Nothing wrong if it fits you but if it doesn't fit a significant other, don't try to force it on them. That's no different than them trying to force you to make a choice between them or a significant other.

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 03-24-2014 at 07:39 PM.
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Old 03-24-2014, 08:49 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Location: Florida, USA
Posts: 473

@Dagferi, I don't wish to leave my husband, nor do I wish to go back to monogamy, so I accept that for the near future, I can only accommodate a "secondary-type" relationship. At first, I can see someone one or two afternoons and/or evenings a week, and once things progress, I can spend a night or two a month away from home. Down the road, that might evolve as husband becomes more comfortable. If not, and there was someone in my life up for the role of second partner, I'd have to make some tough choices. We've only been at this open marriage thing a year and a half, so there's still possibility of growth. No current need to go "all or nothing."

Time being, I'm ok with the primary/secondary thing. I can see how it could work--you know, I find some understanding married woman who wants a girlfriend, or a guy who divides his time between here and someone else. But, yeah, even a secondary I want to be able to treat like a PERSON IN MY LIFE, so I'm trying to negotiate that balance.

@alibabe_muse Wow, I would NEVER ask my husband to sit down to a meeting with me and my lover and their lover to hash over state of the polyship. I would meet a mile-high wall of resistance! I'm the one who wants multiple relationships, not him, and I acknowledge that. I think it was great that you met your metamours, I would like my husband to get to a point where he's comfortable just doing that.
Female, bi-amorous, mid 40's

on the spectrum between monogam-ish and poly-amorous

LDR Melinda, lesbian, early 30's
FWB Hal, straight, mid 40's
dating Joel, straight, mid 30's

Last edited by LoveBunny; 03-24-2014 at 08:56 PM.
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Old 03-24-2014, 09:54 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 303

My partner is more of the polysexual type...though that's really because no one keeps her interest for very long besides me. In the past, I've had one of M's metas over to my house. I puttered around while they basically came inside for 5 minutes to get something. We crossed paths and it was honestly quite funny. He looked at me dead in the eyes...but with this "Are you sure it's cool that I'm schtooping your girl?" look. I just smiled politely, offered a hand and said "Nice to meet you." They kind of fell out of touch though he tried to send her a booty call a few weeks back and she wasn't having it.She is interested in more than just sex with new friends, but that's all it's been for since we've dated until recently.

I say recently because she just went on a date with a girl (new development though she's always identified herself as queer) who has the potential to last much longer. Amy (changing the names to protect the innocent) is a lawyer like me. Enjoys fashion, like M and I do...and seems really fun and intelligent. I could see us all hanging out for sure. At some point. Right now their relationship is too new and it would just be awkward. Amy is fully lesbian and I want to respect that. M's made jokes about watching them make out if it comes to that. I don't want her to think I'm just some hornball idiot looking for a unicorn.

I'm a very affectionate person and I don't plan on dialing that back if I do hang out with metas. I don't want to come off as territorial, but I don't care to compromise the nature of our existing relationship either. It's all theoretical for now.
Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
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Old 01-06-2016, 01:24 AM
anomaly anomaly is offline
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Posts: 31

I'm someone who's only interested in casual, FWB-type arrangements and my partner is interested in serious relationships. I prefer to compartmentalize - he met my FWB once because he asked to but otherwise will probably only see him at my birthday party once a year My partner prefers everyone to mingle and hopefully be friends. I welcome his partners, but so far, I haven't really connected with any of them - he seems to choose people who are my polar opposite (extravert to my introvert, etc.). So we do the best we can.
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Old 01-12-2016, 12:12 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Location: Yelm, Washington
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I am in an MFM V, and all three of us live under one roof. If we ever became a foursome/quartet, I think there is an expectation that all four people would have some kind of relationship (romantic or platonic) with each other.

I don't know if it's possible to keep metamours completely separated from each other. Could possibly be done with determination.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 01-12-2016, 12:55 AM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,804

I'm amusing myself thinking about how vastly different my response would have been if I'd answered when this thread was initially posted instead of now...

In March 2014, when the thread was posted, Hubby and my then-boyfriend Guy didn't have any contact with each other. Them seeing each other wasn't an issue; Guy lived 900 miles away. He and I met when he was in my area on business, and he met Hubby then as well. Given a couple of shared experiences, they might have called each other friends, and occasionally one would ask me to say "hi" to the other. But they only interacted for those "shared experiences" because of me.

Until a month of so ago, I would have said--and did say, numerous times--that I STRONGLY wanted to compartmentalize my relationships. After I met Woody in October, the two hugest adjustments for me were that he had other partners (Guy only had other *sexual* partners, usually one-night stands when he got horny, since he and I only saw each other a couple of times after he went home from his business trip. He didn't want any other romantic partners. And the other boyfriend I've had didn't have any other partners at all), and that Woody prefers what some here call "kitchen-table poly" and what I've taken to calling the "poly-Borg collective."

This means that if he hosts an event, like the Solstice party he held in December or the monthly munch he organizes at a local bowling alley, all three of his local partners are invited. Technically his fourth partner is also invited, but given that she lives about 1000 miles away, she isn't likely to come. It means that sometimes on his weekly movie nights, more than one of us might be there. It also means that Hubby, who didn't particularly want to interact with Guy and outright disliked being anywhere near my second boyfriend, has taken to going to movie nights even when he knows I'm staying with Woody that night, and he accompanied me to the Solstice party. (Though at this point, that's at least as much because of his crush on Doll as it is because he likes hanging out with Woody...)

Hubby has never asked for anything close to a DADT, other than saying "Please don't give me details about what you do with your boyfriend when you're together without asking me first if I'm okay with hearing them." He doesn't like interacting with people in general, and with my second boyfriend, there was a personality clash that brought out Hubby's alpha-hole side. They were only around each other three times in the 13 months of the relationship: when I introduced them; when Alt asked them both to be present with me when she finished her cosmetology course; and at Country's school banquet last spring.

I highly preferred having everything separate, and at first I resisted having Hubby and Woody even meet each other because I knew Woody's preference would be that they continue to socialize. But now that Hubby's gone to movie night several times--including this weekend, when he and Alt went without me because I was waiting for Country to get home from a school trip--and I've met Highlight and Stella and have been essentially adopted by Woody's son and their housemates, I'm kind of getting on board with the whole poly-Borg thing.

That said, if Hubby and I had something going on, like a party, which never happens; neither of us likes having people over to our house, or Country's graduation this spring, either we wouldn't be able to invite Woody or we would have to introduce him as a friend of the family. Hubby's family doesn't know I'm poly, and neither do Alt and Country's father and his family, and we need to keep it that way for various reasons. And Hubby prefers that Woody not come to our house at all, and if he does, under no circumstances is anything sexual to happen. (That's the agreement between Hubby and me, and has been all along, not Hubby trying to order me or set rules or ultimatums.)

Fortunately, Woody understands all of that, as well as understanding that for me, because I don't leave the house for a job--and sometimes don't leave at all for a day or two because of health issues--leaving my house and going to his is important to me. Plus at his house, as I said, I've pretty much been adopted into a second family, and I like being around people who are around me solely because they've chosen to be, not because they're my spouse or my child.
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Old 01-12-2016, 04:55 PM
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branches branches is offline
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Location: New York, NY
Posts: 29

I'm fairly new to all of the terminology, but I treat each of my relationships a little differently, based on the need of that partner. I do compartmentalize, as I think it would be too much pressure to have my partners interact with each other, but I have given each of them the option to meet each other based on their own comfort level.

My primary partner (the writer) that I live with is strictly monogamous. He wants nothing to do with anyone other than me (he has a fairly dependent personality, which is a whole other story), and would probably prefer if both of the other men I care about either died or I somehow forgot what polyamory was.

My other relationships are both open, and a lot more relaxed and natural. They're also in a much "younger" stage of relationship, where we are still figuring out our needs and where we want to go in our potential togetherness.

The Wolf is perfectly content to either know or not know each other. He tells me about each woman he is with, and we talk about them, but I have yet to meet any of them, as they have been mostly casual, passing interests.

The Explorer is a little more interested in getting to know people, although it hasn't happened as of yet. He has two other ladies in his life, one of which I've been gaming with on our phones, but we are still getting to know each other slowly. The other lives in a different country (long-distance relationship), and I think she's not interested in getting to know me.

But in general, I don't think I feel the need to set rules with this, and prefer to just see what works for each person involved as things go.

Last edited by branches; 01-12-2016 at 06:54 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 01-12-2016, 07:31 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Location: The Big Apple
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I definitely think it is totally possible to have long-term relationships with people who do not interact with each other nor even meet each other. However, I do believe that kind of dynamic is easier to keep going for people who live in large urban environments. When you live in a big city, with numerous neighborhoods and industries in which you can meet people, and have to deal with commuting and long work days, I would think it's much easier to compartmentalize your life than it is in suburban and rural communities where everybody knows each other and knows (or gossips about) everybody's business. For me, living in NYC, I have both small and large pockets of people in my life who know me but who would likely never cross paths. In my love life, I just deal with each individual and make plans with them accordingly. I don't see myself cohabiting with anyone anytime soon, so there's no one I'd need to introduce to new lovers or check in with about what I am doing. Plus, I'm solo and a free agent who likes compartmentalizing different areas of my life.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 01-13-2016 at 02:04 AM.
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