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  #1  
Old 03-20-2014, 01:51 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Default Checking all the boxes

How do you really figure out if a relationship is missing elements that you need and you're settling, or if it's satisfying on its own level given that no one is perfect?

I guess, given my history, I am struggling. I've dated several men as secondaries who could give me most of what I wanted, just missing one or two things. And I'm starting to wonder if I'm settling, or if I am seeking perfection where it's not necessary since I do have a husband at home as well as some casual partners.

I would really appreciate it if maybe people could read back a couple of posts in my blog (link in signature) and give me some advice? I'm having some trouble figuring this one out and don't want to type it all out again.
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  #2  
Old 03-20-2014, 10:31 AM
graviton graviton is online now
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There is no reason or reality in someone having to meet all your needs, especially when you are poly. None of my friends meet all of my needs nor do family members or my wife. So why should a second or third romantic partner? I highly doubt you are meeting all of their needs. I see that you describe yourself as a dominant, I equate that with fragile ego and self centeredness from past dealings and readings in the bdsm community. You're not settling just enjoy what you have.
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Old 03-20-2014, 01:26 PM
polybynature polybynature is offline
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my poly therapist says there are areas of romantic needs. Affection, Sexual, Financial, Emotional, and Sexual. You can write out for yourself hhow each partner meets any of those needs, and what you are feeling youre lacking and how you can get it. One person is unlikely to fufill ALL of those at the same time, that's a big part of the reason i'm poly.

Take me for example, Im a huge attention whore. I cant demand my boys are always fawning over me, talking to me, texting me etc. When I feel needed, I talked to a friend. or Journal. Or...come on here. lol
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Old 03-20-2014, 01:28 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Honestly I never looked at my initial relationship and check boxed it.

I did look at how I engage in other interpersonal relationships and realized I really wanted to have sex with more than one woman for the rest of my life. We hit obvious low spots in the sex department, but that didn't initiate my non-monogamy.

Poly just layered on top of that because of the sex after many years of non-monogamy.

I am also far more clear about my needs vs wants. I don't NEED someone to be outdoor and adventurous with me, but it would be cool if they were. I don't NEED someone who likes "insert sexual act" with me. I have a vivid fantasy and can survive without said act.

I do need love, affection, someone to be my partner, someone to be my lover. Those are things I need out of a romantic relationship.

I guess if I were trying to fill a sheet with checkboxes, I wouldn't be poly.. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who fill other roles.
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  #5  
Old 03-20-2014, 01:33 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by graviton View Post
I see that you describe yourself as a dominant, I equate that with fragile ego and self centeredness from past dealings and readings in the bdsm community.
<snip>. That was not only rude but uncalled for.

I'm sorry you have had shitty dealings in the bdsm community but that does not give you the right to make assumptions about me. I could just as easily say that I think people who post on message boards are rude and obnoxious due to past experience and I'd be way out of line. So what makes you think that your comment could possibly be appropriate?

Ariakas, I am both non monogamous and polyamorous. I enjoy casual sex, but I also really enjoy relationships. I have pretty much the whole package with my husband, minus the D/s. It's felt like in my past relationships with my lovers that I've always been missing something, too. So I don't know.
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Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, legally separated. Dating Jennifer (married poly), 9 months, and Henry (single poly), 8 months.


Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 03-20-2014 at 11:11 PM. Reason: Cleanup
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  #6  
Old 03-20-2014, 01:46 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
Ariakas, I am both non monogamous and polyamorous. I enjoy casual sex, but I also really enjoy relationships. I have pretty much the whole package with my husband, minus the D/s. It's felt like in my past relationships with my lovers that I've always been missing something, too. So I don't know.
This statement wont be meant as an insult. Simply an offering of introspection.

They say bored people are boring...

The statement simple implies that maybe you need to look into yourself to find whats missing? Not an external source

That sounds all zen of me, which I doesn't fit my personality, but it is something I believe. You have tried the external source, maybe you need to do some checklists for your own happiness.

Quote:
I see that you describe yourself as a dominant, I equate that with fragile ego and self centeredness from past dealings and readings in the bdsm community.
Rude and insulting.. and likely wrong.. I have met many dominants who do not have fragile egos or suffer with self centeredness in fact it is usually the opposite (not to say there aren't doucey doms). Being a dom has little to do with the dom, and more to do with the sub, so please go back and continue reading or experiment a little. Your opinion is lacking in fact and built around fiction
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  #7  
Old 03-20-2014, 01:51 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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No, I hear what you mean there. I'm not bored in my relationships. The last one was missing the D/s, so I struggled with that because it's something I need in my secondary relationships since I don't have it in my marriage. This one, I'm missing the sex since my partner has a medical condition.

I am not sure that's quite the same thing as you were getting at... I can't solve those things within myself.
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  #8  
Old 03-20-2014, 01:54 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Thats relatively common for someone who identifies with BDSM.

Partner a - vanilla
partner b - bdsm only without the other intimacy
partner c - casual sex

Its tough to find someone who fits all the bills, start subdividing the bdsm world further and you have a mess. I am dominant & sadist and my gf and wife are submissive. But my type of dominance doesn't really suit either. My sadism suits my wife but not my gf.

All of that said, I don't tend to look at what I am missing. I feel satisfaction with what I have. But.. I can't relate to a partner who can't have sex. Thats a TOUGH thing. Sex is so intertwined to how most people connect. That may be a gap that can't just get filled by a checkbox
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Old 03-20-2014, 03:48 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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So, I understand you want advice considering your partner's impotence. My thoughts: It has only been one month!! He says it takes time for him to warm up with a partner - then give him the time! I doubt the doctor will be of much help in this. Some men are like that, they just need to warm up for the partner and feel safe with them in order to perform.

You say the tricks he has used before have not worked with you. I doubt it was the tricks that worked before, it was the patience of the partner. Now this is a big deal for you, you worry about it, he worries about it -- it is a vicious circle. My guess is that the more you put emphasis on the PIV sex, the less likely he is ever to be able to perform with you. He is not feeling emotionally safe with you, so no hard-ons in your company. Could be as simple as that.

If you two manage to take the stress out of the sex, the problem might just go away.
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  #10  
Old 03-20-2014, 03:49 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Partner a - vanilla
partner b - bdsm only without the other intimacy
partner c - casual sex
That's not polyamorous. It's "poly" if by poly you mean large number of partners....
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