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Old 03-19-2014, 04:36 AM
Peoplelover Peoplelover is offline
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Question Confusion

I'm brand new to this so I'm sure this is a normal problem. One man, three women, I'm the third woman. It is a polyfidelitous group. All we women are straight and in love with the one man, although we'll all be together sometimes for his sake. And we are all going to be moving together across the country, and living together. We all get along and like each other. But I can't get over feeling it's not fair. I say the next addition to the family should be a straight man who loves me. That way I have two men who love me, he has three women who love him. (I say this tongue-in-cheek, knowing love doesn't work like that). He says it should be a bisexual man to be able to connect with all of us. That sounds like a unicorn to me, an impossible dream. I think of Voldemort (Harry Potter) splitting his soul in pieces, and how each piece is smaller than the original soul. The loss of him to me is devastating. The loss of me to him is ameliorated by having others already filling the same role. It makes it hard for me to really give my all, to totally connect. Thoughts would be appreciated.

Last edited by Peoplelover; 03-19-2014 at 04:53 AM.
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  #2  
Old 03-19-2014, 05:23 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Wait - you're straight but have sex with his other girlfriends just to please him?
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Old 03-19-2014, 06:01 AM
Peoplelover Peoplelover is offline
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yes. It's fun and entertaining but nothing I would do if he weren't there. He's the catalyst. They would say the same.
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Old 03-19-2014, 06:06 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by Peoplelover View Post
yes. It's fun and entertaining but nothing I would do if he weren't there. He's the catalyst. They would say the same.
Nothing wrong with that, if you enjoy it. But this whole idea of "If I have a straight man who loves me, I'll have two guys, and he'll have three women?" And his, it needs to be a bi guy (is your guy even bisexual?) Not a great approach.

All of you just need to develop the relationships you need to be happy. Maybe that means some of you end up splitting up after awhile. It happens. I think of poly as being I want myself and my partners to be happy and fulfilled; but not at the expense of anyone else in the group.
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Old 03-19-2014, 08:39 AM
Hoyam Hoyam is offline
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I am not known with this subject. But my first idea about this would be: it is about love right? I think it is kind of complicated if your man thinks he can tell u restrictions about the possible new other man. So it is not about love but more somebody who is good in the picture that he has in his mind. I think falling in love is more important than his picture.

That would not only be the sexual part. But for the sexual part: The other women, they should just enjoy who ever u bring to the party? The other man would have to join the party the way your man wants him to? Not knowing if he likes them. I am not bisexual. But i can imagine like heteroseksualiteit people like me: being bi doesn't mean u can have sex with everybody. Me being hetero doesn't mean i can have sex with any man.

I understand it would work better if the new man is realy a part of the group. Also i understand the group can have some sort of veto (for example: no criminal behaviour), but somehow i find something missing in your story. The way love normally grows, without big expectations before you even know who your future man will be. But again, i am not known to this subject.
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Old 03-19-2014, 11:06 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by Hoyam View Post
I am not known with this subject. But my first idea about this would be: it is about love right? I think it is kind of complicated if your man thinks he can tell u restrictions about the possible new other man. So it is not about love but more somebody who is good in the picture that he has in his mind. I think falling in love is more important than his picture.

That would not only be the sexual part. But for the sexual part: The other women, they should just enjoy who ever u bring to the party? The other man would have to join the party the way your man wants him to? Not knowing if he likes them. I am not bisexual. But i can imagine like heteroseksualiteit people like me: being bi doesn't mean u can have sex with everybody. Me being hetero doesn't mean i can have sex with any man.

I understand it would work better if the new man is realy a part of the group. Also i understand the group can have some sort of veto (for example: no criminal behaviour), but somehow i find something missing in your story. The way love normally grows, without big expectations before you even know who your future man will be. But again, i am not known to this subject.
Actually, you expressed exactly what I was thinking.

To further the idea, let's take sex out of the picture and insert something like hair color. So say your guy says okay if another guy comes into the group, he must be blonde. But you meet a perfectly lovely man and he happens to be a brunette. Really? To me demanding a specific sexual orientation is the same thing. This man is a human being; not someone you groom to play a specified role in your group. These requirements treat him as more of an object or toy.
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Old 03-19-2014, 11:19 AM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Confusion
Just curious, is the guy who seems to be calling all the shots the main source of financial support that is financing this move across the country for everyone. If you are an equal contributor you should have an equal say.
Sounds like whoever he wants to bring into this relationship next he will want them also to subservient to his wishes.
If you don't think it's fair now, what are you going to think if he decides to bring another woman into the mix to increase the participation in the entertainment you provide for him. If your man is not bi sexual, I can't figure out why he would want to consider bringing a bi man into this group unless the bi man is a submissive person because there is not a large pool of straight men who are going to enter into a relationship like you describe where another man calls all the shots. Not quite sure how many women would go for that either.
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  #8  
Old 03-19-2014, 01:48 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Flat out, you should get to date whomever you want to date. Period.

I'm not hung up on the three-girl sex thing as I'm assuming if you really didn't want to do it, you wouldn't. I'll give you credit for knowing your own limits and also for contributing something unusual for your partner's pleasure. (Let's hope he does the same for you.)

Back to the new partner. If you don't date someone everyone agrees upon or the male agrees upon, what will be the consequences? If it's expulsion from the group or and end to your relationship with the alpha male, then I'd say so be it.

You are just as important and primary as anyone else in the relationship. You have needs that are apparently not being met. (If it were me, I'd take his ego down a peg with that little bit of trivia, but that's me) As such, you should get to date whomever you want.
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  #9  
Old 03-19-2014, 02:40 PM
polybynature polybynature is offline
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I';ve got to call BS on his calling the shots on other men. polyfi is great, i'd like it if I could have it. right now, I have two primaries one my spouse, the other by BF going through a separation. If he divorces ,would I like him to find another woman who is also interested in/involved with my spouse to make a nice little closed group? you bet. But I would never insist on that as its a tough thing to happen, and BF deserves as much love as the rest of us. Right now he has just me, I have him and hubby and a friend with benefits, hubby has me and two casual girlfriends. BF should be able to find whatever else he wants/is looking for
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  #10  
Old 03-19-2014, 02:40 PM
polybynature polybynature is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Wait - you're straight but have sex with his other girlfriends just to please him?
I can get this...im straight, but i'd have a threesome with a lady and one of my guys cause they'd like it so much. their being turned on would turn me on
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