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  #31  
Old 03-25-2014, 01:34 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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It's like I need to know what is causing the anxiety to find the right way to deal with it. I feel like I could take a lot more of newbie anxiety than new thing anxiety, so if it's the first one, I could push myself further than with the second one. So to recognize the problem is a major part of solving it.
I get that. Sometimes knowing what kind helps you pinpoint what tool to use. (Ex: A flat head screw driver.)

But when not able to determine which it is? Narrowing down the field helps. (Ex: It's gonna be screwdriver in the end -- flat or Phillips head I don't know. But certainly not hammer! So let me get there, and when I'm there I'll fine tune.)

If it where me? I'd "default" to the least work/least harm for me. If other people can't hack that, it is what it is.

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I feel like I could take a lot more of newbie anxiety than new thing anxiety, so if it's the first one, I could push myself further than with the second one
I would not "push" myself either way -- I'd seek for lowest common denominator.

I like stopping "one step before" in my own anxiety management. If I think I can go for Z long? I'll stop at Y -- a step before the Z. If I doubt my thinking? I'll stop at X and worry about "fine tuning" once I get there. TWO steps before. Then I can do the A - X journey, and take another reassessment when I'm closer to it for how to handle the last 2 steps to the finish.

Paralysis because I can't pinpoint it all the way down to Z? That cranks me up -- does not help me get started and move it along.

In other words -- If it were me I would think "newbie anxiety I can take better so I can go out to Z. The asperger anxiety -- I can go out to Y. Going out to Y could happen for both, so I will go with Y. That's the common denominator. Even if it were the other one I could go out to Z. Making it EASIER on me isn't a bad thing. So I will do out to Y or maybe one step before like X. Then I will reassess. Less stress/anxiety and hopefully the journey is not so tumultuous for me."

You will be ok -- hang in there.

GL!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-25-2014 at 01:44 PM.
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  #32  
Old 03-25-2014, 03:58 PM
Kernow Kernow is offline
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Well, actually, I have to. If I don't analyze my feelings I'm unable to talk about them. It can take days for me to actually feel anything. It only happens after i analyze the situation and put it in words. If I don't analyze, I will never reach a feeling. Luckily Salamander understands this. Also, I don't really react. I'm too slow at processing social situations. When I finally reach a reaction the situation is usually over. This is a good thing too, because I never explode at anyones face. I also have time to process the situation objectivly and to see what triggered my reaction (when it eventually comes and I recognize the feelings etc.) so I don't jump to conclusion or say things I'd regret later.
Thank you for explaining this. You have helped me to understand why my husband sometimes seems to 'freeze' with no recognisable reactions/responses. It is really going to help me to offer more appropriate support in future.
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  #33  
Old 03-25-2014, 07:00 PM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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And I just learned that he had slept with her two weeks ago already. So I went through all this shit for him and it was just a lie.
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  #34  
Old 03-25-2014, 10:17 PM
Kernow Kernow is offline
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And I just learned that he had slept with her two weeks ago already. So I went through all this shit for him and it was just a lie.
Wow, I'm sorry. Take some time to let yourself process your emotions and do some thinking. We all get things hugely wrong sometimes so don't judge salamander on just this one thing, try to take a wider view.

Just a word of caution, who told you this? If it was Salamander keep in mind that at least he managed to tell you. If it was his other interest (Sunflower?) don't be too quick to believe every detail, it may have been intended to cause hurt to you and damage to your relationship.

Hang on to some good thoughts, you are strong enough to deal with this, one step and one thought at a time.
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  #35  
Old 03-26-2014, 12:54 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Sorry that happened; I am not sure of what to say that might help. Obviously Salamander and Sunflower shouldn't have done that, and they certainly shouldn't have covered it up. But people do screw up sometimes. You have to make your own decision as to what you can forgive/forget, and you have to focus on what will get you to a place of healing. Life will go on, in spite of this terrible setback.

Remember that most therapists will advise you not to make any major decisions while you are terribly upset. The thing to do right now is to make things as quiet as possible so you can stop and think. You have much to consider at this time.

Re (from copperhead):
Quote:
"Medication? I thought there isn't much medication can do to aspie problems. I've thought about something for anxiety, maybe it would help with this transition as well. Although I'd like to see what the doctors say about the diagnosis first. And I've also heard that the meds don't work that well on aspies."
And well they must not, if it took me 2 decades (of trial and error) to happen upon a combination (and dosage) of meds that is *just barely adequate.* We are not talking about a magic bullet here, nor a testimonial to the effect of, "OMG, this drug changed my life!" Honestly, I find that hardly anything works (for me), be it drugs, rules, therapy, or anything. I am just lucky when I have a good day, and even then I do not function as other people do in society.

Currently I am taking Xanax and Zyprexa. Xanax takes the edge off; Zyprexa bears the lion's share of the load. It keeps things at an even keel, so that there's not dizzying ups and downs in my mood.

And as I said, I am probably dealing with more than just Asperger's. But anytime you have a lot of anxiety and/or mood swings, there is a chance that medication can help. If you're interested, you can read more about meds and diagnoses I've received over the years: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...252#post262252

Remember, even if you and Salamander break up (and I hope you won't), and even if you close the door on polyamory and open relationships and throw away the key (and I hope you won't), you will still have your condition to deal with. One disaster at a time, obviously, but come back to this pre-existing problem when you can.
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  #36  
Old 03-26-2014, 06:57 AM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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Salamander told me himself. And he has a history of cheating. I made it clear in the beginning, that it would be a major deal breaker. He's devastated, but he dug his hole all on his own. Too bad he dragged me into it.
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  #37  
Old 03-26-2014, 10:30 AM
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Well, it sounds like he had fair warning. I think you have every right to follow through on it.

So, what will happen? Are we talking a breakup, or just a cessation of all poly/open arrangements? How will it affect the kids, and what are the long-range plans?

This is terribly unfair to you, and I am sorry that it has happened.
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  #38  
Old 03-26-2014, 10:49 AM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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It's a break up. I see no other way. Not with someone like this. I think the kids will be alright. He wasn't such a big part of their lives (I have co-custody with my ex and they spend a lot of time there). And although it bothered me at times, now I think it is a good thing.

I will continue pursuing a poly relationship. But now it will just take more time to get there. Or not. This was quite tight primary relationship and I have other people who have the potential of becoming intimate friends. Now that I'm single, it might be easier for me to explore that possibility. But I'm not n a hurry, I need to heal first.

Thank you all for your kind words. It means a lot to me.
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  #39  
Old 03-26-2014, 11:02 AM
london london is offline
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You can't accurately assess whether poly works for you unless you have ethical and conscientious partners. That's even more true for us autists due to our superior brain power, believe it or not.
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  #40  
Old 03-26-2014, 11:13 AM
tenK tenK is offline
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Sorry to hear it's worked out this way for you.
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