In a relationship with a poly-amorous girl. Need some input.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by vodkafan

Haha we strive for the answers to all that bollocks too. In between the shopping and cooking the dinner

Ain't that the truth!

[polymono]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

Not pretending to be a great guru of polyamory myself, but I think part of the difficulty might be that you and gf are still very new to your relationship, and are more or less still in-love, or in NRE. I take it you are somewhat long-distance?

Hi BlackUnicorn, thanks for your reply. NRE = New relationship energy? right? I guess so yes. The relation is somehow new, a bit more than half a year. Indeed, right now, we are far away from each other. I dont really understand what you mean with part of the difficulty related to new relationship and more or less in love... how is it that this is part of the difficulty ? Can you elaborate? Thanks!

[polymono]

Originally Posted by sage

You ask are you definitely not polyamorous? And can you evolve towards it. These are good questions to be asking but I don't think you can really know at this stage.

Why do you think that sage? I know there is probably a process I have to go through, it probably already started. Do you mean that it is too early. My girlfriend wasn't polyamorous before, and for here the transition was quite easy.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by polymono

My girlfriend wasn't polyamorous before, and for here the transition was quite easy.

How many people didn't realize they were gay until later in life? Just because she didn't have multiple relationships before doesn't mean she was't poly...this might just be the first time it has become manifested because she has actually connected with more than one person.

Her transition looked so easy probably because of one main thing...she wants it.

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by polymono

I dont really understand what you mean with part of the difficulty related to new relationship and more or less in love... how is it that this is part of the difficulty ? Can you elaborate? Thanks!

In my understanding (and experience) of New Relationship Energy, there is a strong tendency of 'not being able to get enough of your partner'. When you are not with them, you want to get a text from them, or want to call them, or just daydream about them. Everything seems dull and gray in comparison. You want to be with that special person so bad that you're almost angry with everyone else who's not them. Long-distance makes it so much harder, because it takes so long to get used to them being there - every time you see each other, is a little like falling in love all over again.

So knowing your partner has someone who gets to spend time with them when you don't? Green-eyed monsters have been let loose for lot less.

[Derbylicious]

Hi polymono,
I was reading your initial post where you said that you had a conversation with her about not doing anything that would possibly hurt each other. Were the two of you specific in what that meant to both of you? There has been a lot of discussion on boundaries on here and one of the things that comes up frequently is that one person's definition of what crosses a boundary is not always the same as another person's.

I also saw you say that you had hoped that she had moved past being poly. That's not how it works (usually). She may agree to move slowly with anyone else in her life in respect for your feelings but chances are if you tell her that she must be monogamous with you forever she may very well fall in love with someone else and hide it from you.

[polymono]

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

Hi polymono,
I was reading your initial post where you said that you had a conversation with her about not doing anything that would possibly hurt each other. Were the two of you specific in what that meant to both of you? There has been a lot of discussion on boundaries on here and one of the things that comes up frequently is that one person's definition of what crosses a boundary is not always the same as another person's.

I also saw you say that you had hoped that she had moved past being poly. That's not how it works (usually). She may agree to move slowly with anyone else in her life in respect for your feelings but chances are if you tell her that she must be monogamous with you forever she may very well fall in love with someone else and hide it from you.

I didn't ask her to become mono, I don't believe in changing people. About the boundaries, you are right, they were pretty open and subject to interpretation. Also these agreements were made when we were on our trip, we were alone together. Now that we are far from each other and that she is moving on with her life and so I think she might realize that she really wants/needs to be poly. I start realizing now, that maybe I had some false expectations, or mono expectations of our relationship. When she goes with other guys, it is something she doesn't necessarily wants to share with me. It is something between her and that other person. My idea was that she would talk about it, share it... even if I have some difficulties with it, but it seems she doesn't like to do that, maybe also because of my reaction.

It still feels odd to me though. Whenever she gets more distant (not physically, but emotionally), it is generally when she is involved with other persons she likes. Which makes sense, we all have a limited amount of time each day where we can do things we want to do. That is a strange and painful situation for a mono person, as in a mono relationship I'm used to get full attention of my partner.

[polymono]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

In my understanding (and experience) of New Relationship Energy, there is a strong tendency of 'not being able to get enough of your partner'. When you are not with them, you want to get a text from them, or want to call them, or just daydream about them. Everything seems dull and gray in comparison. You want to be with that special person so bad that you're almost angry with everyone else who's not them. Long-distance makes it so much harder, because it takes so long to get used to them being there - every time you see each other, is a little like falling in love all over again.

So knowing your partner has someone who gets to spend time with them when you don't? Green-eyed monsters have been let loose for lot less.

So true! Currently, I'm not the best person to be around, as my thoughts and attention go to her, while I know she is seeing other persons and while I know I won't see her before some longer time. It's like I don't know what to do with myself... I guess I have to accept the facts for what they are, she is poly, I'm mono (willing to try poly)

[polymono]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

How many people didn't realize they were gay until later in life? Just because she didn't have multiple relationships before doesn't mean she was't poly...this might just be the first time it has become manifested because she has actually connected with more than one person.

Her transition looked so easy probably because of one main thing...she wants it.

Is it a need, a want, something related to a certain lifestyle and education, those are questions that arises in me.

Is it hard to grasp for me because I was educated that way and because I have certain expectations of what I want out of life? Or could it be something that you just are, no questioning about it?

It's probably a bit of all, but if you have some more insight about it I'm open to hear them.

[nycindie]

This might help, maybe. It's from http://www.faqs.org/faqs/polyamory/faq/

(more good stuff in that FAQ, simply expressed, if ya wanna check it out)


Subject: 11). How can I tell if I am polyamorous?

I'm not sure; only you will know, and according to the philosophy of some folks, people aren't polyamorous, although behavior can be. Some people find that approach useful, and others prefer to think of "polyamorous people".

Some polyfolk tend to recognize themselves in the descriptions, and can only be restrained with difficulty from jumping up and down and screeching, "See! See! I *knew* it wasn't just me! Hooray!" If you aren't sure you're poly, the best practice is probably to act kindly and responsibly, and to communicate clearly to the best of your ability as you learn; come to think of it, that's the best practice for polyfolk, too, so you'll be one of the crowd anyhow. Besides, being polyamorous is not inherently "better" than being monogamous, so there's no need to feel like you have to pledge allegiance or anything like that just to hang out and look at the questions.

Another thing to consider is that the word "polyamorous" is, like all labels, just a tool. What you do and how you treat the people you love is probably more important to them, in the long run, than whether you fit a particular descriptive term, so don't sweat it, okay? And take good care of each other.

An alternate point of view:

"There aren't polyamorous and monogamous people; there are polyamorous and monogamous relationships. The same person may at various times be happy in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships at various times in his/her life. What is right depends on you and your feelings, and the feelings of those you are involved in relationships with. You may at some times be involved in a relationship that is monogamous, and that may be the right thing for the people in that relationship; at other times, you may be in a relationship which works better as part of a polyamorous network of relationships. In any case, the important thing is probably to act kindly and responsibly, and to communicate clearly with intimate partners and potential partners about these issues. Don't deny your feelings or the feelings of those that you care about. Get in touch with how you and those you care about really feel, rather than how society wants you to feel, or how you think it would be logical to feel, or how you've been told polyamorous people (or monogamous people) should feel. Then behave in ways which are honest, and which make you, and the people you care about, and the people they care about, happy and fulfilled. If this results in you having more than one intimate relationship at the same time, or being involved in a relationship with more than two people, those who are big on categorizing and labeling people will label you a 'poly person'."