Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-17-2014, 10:49 PM
PurpleOrchid PurpleOrchid is offline
New Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 2
Default Boyfriends and poly, seeking advice

I've been actively poly for around 5 years now, and for the most part I've been happy with it. I currently have two boyfriends. Boyfriend #1 is the one I've been with for quite a while. We had a lot of ups and downs and we got through them together. He has other people he's dating and I'm pretty close to them and happy (for the most part) that he's with them. We share a home, finances, and my family knows about him. He's been the center of my poly world this whole time, and though I dated a handful of women over the years, until recently he was the only man I was with.

Boyfriend #2 is fairly recent. We never fight, he's very supportive of me being poly, and he makes me super happy. I do realize I'm probably experiencing some NRE, but honestly we have just hit it off so well and completely that I foresee it continuing for quite some time. The way we click is very effortless. That's so rare for me. Relationships are usually about hard work and compromise and I'm ok with that. But not with BF#2. I can just concentrate on how awesome things are because of that. We've hit a few bumps, but we just communicate so effectively that those bumps aren't a struggle, they make us feel even closer to each other.

So I'm happy for the most part. But I'm experiencing an internal problem.

About 6 months before I met Boyfriend #2, I had resigned myself to things being the way they are with Boyfriend #1. I love him very much, but there are things that are missing from our relationship and sex life that are pretty vital to me being really and truly happy. I'd be happy without having these some of the time, but over the course of our relationship I've constantly had to remind him that I need these things. He'll do them for awhile, and then eventually trickle off and just stop. These are things that to me aren't enjoyable if I have to ask for them constantly. Plus there's been so many fights about these things when he got upset and thought I was criticising him that I can't make myself ask anymore. I just feel like I'm nagging him for the things I need.. and that makes me even more unhappy than not getting them.

So I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that my relationship with Boyfriend #1 was going to be the way it was. We were happy overall. We love each other. We spend time together doing things we both love when we can. We support each other emotionally. Physically I wasn't getting as much as I needed from him, but I got so much emotionally that I had decided I was ok with the physical lack. I decided not to stress or push anymore and be happy with things the way they were.

Then I met BF#2. Things have been explosive between us from the beginning. He not only satisfies me physically, he goes overboard into exhausting me to the point that I have to not see him for a few days to recover. And that's amazing.. Not a bad thing at all. We have so much fun together too. We love the same things. We laugh and cuddle and watch shows and are really good for each other. I'm happy all the time thinking about him. His friends all comment on how good this is for him. And it's wonderful.

So my issue is that last night, BF#1 wanted sex and I went through with it, he tried to do some of the things I've asked for. But they were so.. Half hearted and short lived that it wasn't doing much for me. I just tried to ignore it and let any thoughts but being with him go from my mind, but I couldn't. The physical was so not satisfying that my brain wouldn't shut off. I didn't want to have sex with him. I didn't feel happy about having sex with him. And it made me want to cry that I feel this way about a man who has loved me and been there for me for so long.

And the kicker is, at the end.. Even though I tried not to.. I thought about BF#2. About all the wonderful things we did this weekend and how happy he makes me. And I got super turned on. That's just.. Wrong in my mind. I know BF#1 would be devastated if he knew. And it kind of hurt my heart too. It made me feel like I was mentally cheating on them both

I'm just kind of lost. I usually am so good at resolving stuff, but I feel so stuck in not knowing what to do. I love BF#1. But I don't know how I can make myself ask him one more time to do the things with me that I need, knowing it's never lasted and fearing it won't again. I don't want to compare the two of them. I don't want to pretty much have to force myself to have sex with BF#1. I love him.. Our relationship is built on time and shared experiences and memories and working through all our issues. I want to make it work, but I don't know anymore how to make that happen.

Any advice would be so appreciated.

Last edited by PurpleOrchid; 03-17-2014 at 11:43 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-18-2014, 07:20 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

Stop pressuring BF1 to have sex he doesn't enjoy. Your sexual gratification isn't more important than his.

I'm kinky and submissive. I need all my partners to lead in the bedroom but not necessarily be kinky. I need at least one kinky partner though. This means vanilla guys are an option. Do all your partners need to do these things? Can you get it from some and not others? If no, break up, you're incompatible. Don't pressure him to do things he isn't into. A male who did that would be harshly reprimanded.

Last edited by london; 03-18-2014 at 07:24 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-18-2014, 12:12 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

I've not been in your situation, but I've been BF#2 in your scenario (genders were all reversed too - I'm female).

I became involved with a married man (we will call him the philosopher) - with his wife's encouragement. They had a two kids together, and seemed to be pretty happy together. That said, the wife could be very moody, was often in a bad mood where she could be hateful, was often not affectionate, often she would refuse to communicate, etc. The philosopher, having grown up with a moody mother, thought that was how women were

Then he met me. Our communication is flawless, my temperament stable and usually sunny, and he realized his assumption that all women are moody was in error. Now, suddenly the issues that had caused him pain in their marriage before he met me became more acute. Then when the wife decided she didn't wanted him seeing me anymore, her behavior became completely over the top.

Now here is where the differences between his situation and yours might lie. Her behavior was often negative and mean, and caused him emotional harm. It doesn't sound like that is the case with BF#1. What you feel is a lack during sex that has nothing to do with anyone being mean, but perhaps just personal differences. So maybe you can just look at sex with BF#1 as emotional bonding as opposed to the profound physical aspect with BF#2. Treat them as two very different things.

Last edited by bookbug; 03-18-2014 at 12:12 PM. Reason: Typos
Reply With Quote
Old 03-18-2014, 01:21 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 303

Not to be prurient, but can I ask what it is you need that BF#1 isn't delivering on?

It's a fact of life that people often think of other people during sex. It happens and it doesn't mean that you don't love the person you're with at the time. At least to me it doesn't. Of course if I came on a forum board as BF#1 and read what you said about BF#2 rocking your world ten times from Sunday in a way that BF#1 couldn't, I'd probably be hurt. However...you may need to tell BF#1 again about what you need. Especially if your sexcapades with him are going to continue to play out in the same way every time, with you feeling badly and on the verge of tears. I get that he fixes things half-heartedly and back tracks, but he can't fix things if you don't let him know exactly how bad things are.

I agree that you may need to see sex with BF#1 in a new way - emotional bonding instead of pleasure/sport fucking - in order to give it purpose. Although that could possibly devolve into a chore. Once it does that's going to hurt the relationship.

Also, if the sex with BF#2 is so great that you begin to gravitate towards him more, be aware of this. You'd hate to drift so far from BF#1 that you're ready to drop him altogether and give him no warning.
Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-18-2014, 03:33 PM
PurpleOrchid PurpleOrchid is offline
New Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 2

London, thank you for your reply but you misunderstood my post. I'm not pressuring BF#1 to have sex at all. I'm actually having a hard time going through with sex because it's not giving me the things I need with him. We used to initiate things equally, but I was so unhappy with it and with always having to ask for what I need that I stopped being the one to initiate it. I would never pressure someone to have sex with me.

Bookbug, thank you for sharing your experience. My boyfriends like each other a lot, and they are both very supportive of each other. I'm very grateful for that. It was a little bumpy for a while because BF#1 was adjusting to sharing me with another guy, but I gave him time and lots of love and support and he came through it with flying colors. That's one of the reasons I want to make this work. His emotional support means the world to me, and so does he. It's a good suggestion to look at sex as emotional bonding with BF#1. We HAVE had amazing sex before, but it's not often and perhaps I could make more of an effort to find out if there's things I could do to spice it up too. I probably do need to switch my thinking on it. Thank you for the advice.

Vanquish, it's that sex with BF#1 has become a rote and mundane thing we do before we go to sleep about 2-3 times a week. I need foreplay and mental stimulation before he even starts touching me. I like a lot of things, and I've told him all of these. I'm very turned on by just being touched or kissed. Most of the time his kisses are very chaste and unstimulating. If he does touch me, it's for a few minutes and then on to sex before I'm even feeling in the mood. We spend a lot of time cuddling, talking, doing things together.. But none of these do anything to make me feel primed for sex. So I'm still in "cuddly and talky" mood when the sex starts up. I sometimes lie there and feel like a receptacle instead of a participant. I try to appreciate the small things he does, or guide his hands to touch me more, but I just don't feel it most of the time.

And yes, I know perfectly well how hurt he'd be if he knew. I am absolutely NEVER going to say BF#2 rocks my world so completely. It's just that the massive difference between the two is hard for me to adjust to. I go from being so turned on and happy with BF#2 to almost feeling asexual with BF#1 and I don't think that's fair to him. I've tried to remind myself that it's ok to get different things from people in poly, but it's bringing up the feelings I had before I resigned myself to accept the way things were sexually with BF#1. I don't want to just accept that sex is a way for him to get off and for me to lay there until he's done. I try so hard to get into it but it's tough when that's how I feel about it and I dread it happening. It's really hard to feel an emotional bonding during sex when I feel this way.

I've taken extra special care to not make BF#1 feel neglected or unloved. Maybe I need to take that care in our sexual life too. I don't want our relationship to just be about the emotional because I do know we're capable of more. It's just hard to have to constantly work on the sexual aspect. That's tough for me personally. It's a huge turn off to ask someone to just touch me and when they do, to feel that they are doing it reluctantly. To know they just want to get to the sex and get it over with so they can go to sleep

Going to continue thinking on it. Thank you very much for the responses.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2014, 04:56 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,555

PurpleOrchid, welcome to the forum. I love your screenname!

Yuck, that's awful that BF#1 isn't willing to warm you up with foreplay. I'd say, STOP having sex with him until his bedroom skills improve. If talking (and probably sharing books and articles) hasn't helped after 5 years, I'd say he's a lost cause. There is no reason you need to lie back and think of England while he pounds away on your unaroused pussy so he can cum quick and pass out!

YUCK!!! Have the hard talk. Tell him what you said here, that all the talking doesn't do any good. He's OK and tries for a while, then goes back to his lazy selfish ways. Shut the garage door and let him be the unfulfilled one for a while. Give him time to see you are serious about needing and insisting on a nice warmup before intercourse.

I am not one for withholding sex lightly as a traditional way women manipulate men (that only works if the woman doesn't enjoy sex, otherwise she'd be cutting off her nose to spite her face). But in this scenario, his kind of sex is worse than none at all. I'd rather masturbate.

And of course, you've got a guy who is taking you to the moon and back... So, there is no need to settle. Your body is your own to use as you see fit, there is no obligation to be a trampoline for a selfish lover. If, when you do allow him access, he's trying to get his cock into your lukewarm pussy, close those legs, darling, and let him know nothing's going in there til Mama's ready!


And as for a fantasy about your GOOD lover coming in to your mind when Mr Selfish is pounding away--healthy! Natural!
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2014, 05:37 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,271

Let me try to sum up what I understand the problem is. Correct me if I am wrong, ok?

  • BF1 wanted sex last night. I didn't want to have sex with him. But I did it anyway.
  • I didn't feel happy about having sex with him because lately he is "meh" on foreplay that I like and he doesn't follow through on promises to change.
  • Then when I was bored sharing "meh" sex with him, I started thinking about more pleasant things instead -- like BF2.
  • I got super turned on because BF2 turns me on right now. Then I felt ugh about it.
  • Because in my behavior I was doing things I didn't want to be doing:
    • I was sharing sex with BF1 when I don't want to share sex.
    • I was thinking about (BF2, cookies, golf, checkers) in attempt to ignore that I'm sharing sex with BF1 when I don't want to share sex with BF1!

My advice?

It's not (thinking about BF2 -- or any other distraction) that is the problem. (You having sex when you don't want to have sex) is the problem.
  • STOP having sex when you don't want to be having sex. You do not "owe" anyone sex. Not even your longtime BF1. Sex share is a gift not obligation.
  • Start talking more point blank to BF1.

Maybe something like...
"I love you. But no. I don't want to have sex right now. I rather talk about returning to right relationship first and then how to have healthy, fun sex share after.

When I ask for more kissing, touching, foreplay? You change for a while and then it pitters out again. I don't know how I can make myself ask one more time to do the things with me that I enjoy, knowing it's never lasted and fearing it won't again. If you don't like these activities, that's fine. But let's actually talk and find out what WE like then -- things we BOTH like and enjoy sex-wise.

Not talking to me about it? Making promises you do not following through? That is breaking down my trust in your word. That creates emotional distance between us. And sharing sex when there's emotional distance between us? It's not fun for me. It's meh.

Is it that you are WILLING to try to talk honestly and openly about sex but not ABLE because you are not used to it? I would like you to try talking openly about sex more often so it can BECOME more comfortable to do. Could you be willing to do that?

Is it that you are WILLING to try to share sex activities but you are you not ABLE to keep your promises because something is going on healthwise that blocks you? Depression? Illness? Hormone shifts of aging? I would like you to have a check up to see if something like that is the reason we keep coming back to this problem. Could you be willing to do that?

I would like to get our happy sex life back on track but I can't do it alone -- you have to be willing to participate too. Please help me get it back on track by talking to me openly and honestly about your sex preferences. So we can figure out what OUR shared sex preferences are and get to doing more of what BOTH of us like."
I'm sorry you are struggling.

But avoiding having hard conversation with your loved one isn't helping either of you. Have the hard conversation.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-19-2014 at 06:56 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2014, 05:59 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 303

Wow. Two posts above with amazing perspective. Well said Magdlyn and Gala.
Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-20-2014, 02:43 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,587

It looks to me like your relationship with BF1 has found its way into a sexless arrangement. What are your options?
1. Accept that this is the situation and adjust your expectations realistically to foster a more healthy relationship
2. Accept that this is the situation and leave him because you require sex to associate with him
3. Continue nagging him to give you what you want, keep fighting about it, crash and burn the relationship
You have already proven that option 3 doesn't work. I personally suggest you move toward one of your other options.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent

Last edited by Marcus; 03-20-2014 at 02:46 AM. Reason: Updated option 3
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 06:58 PM.