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  #11  
Old 02-20-2011, 02:16 AM
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Variety is the spice of life!
Ain't that the truth!
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  #12  
Old 02-20-2011, 12:47 PM
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Originally Posted by kettlingur View Post
I am going through a similar issue with my female partner. My other lover is male and she feels because he has a penis and can do things sexually for me she can not do without assistance that my sex life with him will always be more fulfilling.
This is the very reason I am so thrilled and encouraging my wife to explore her affinity for women! Years ago, if she approached me about sharing intimacy with another woman (with or without me present) I would have thought "That's so hawt, chicks-on-chicks!!! WOOOO!". Now that we've been married for a while, I've accepted what I can and cannot do, and want her to experience other people. I haven't had a ton of partners in my life, but I've had many more than she, and I've gotten to experience some of the variety Mag mentioned (only from the male perspective about different women).

That said, Vera I can relate to your BF's point of view, because none of this involves another man yet. For me, in considering and accepting opening our marriage to poly, I know I have to face that particular trust issue, (as does my wife should I become involved with another woman). What helps me is to take it to heart that just as other women can be a source of adventure for her to explore, learn from, and develop strong intimate relationships, it's really the other people part that's fulfilling her, and nothing gender-specific. (That's not to say that you women don't bring some very wonderful gender-specific things to the table - God bless you all for that).

I think most people, but men in particular, can dismiss bi-relations as completely non-threatening (thanks society!), but the minute another potential protector shows up, we tend to assume that our role and importance will diminish greatly. Watching our lady go through NRE can be particularly painful if we're not ready for it, because we want to be the ones that make her feel that way. Unlike with bi-relations, we have to consciously override that reaction and remind ourselves that this is precisely why we got into this in the first place. We also have to remember that this is for her, and ultimately for both of us in the greater scheme of things.

Remember that the ability to please and satisfy your partner is a very important cornerstone in most men's self image. We all have gifts and I know there are some things I do that are really great. There are other things where I think, "man, I wish I could call in someone to knock this part out of the park for me". Try to help him see that it's "different sex" and not "better sex" and you want and enjoy both. If he's particularly sensitive about it, I wouldn't bring up details though. The same applies to the emotional bonding - but that's a more fundamental poly issue (love as a finite resource vs. an infinite one).
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  #13  
Old 02-20-2011, 11:01 PM
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Default what are the differences?

Early this morning I was imagining telling Shorty how Dreamy is in bed. The last few times I was with Shorty, some of our sex talk included my telling him stories of my past sexual exploits (from before I was married). He gets off on hearing about my more "daring" experiences with other men. He asks me questions and gets really turned on when I go into detail. [Hmm, I wonder how he would feel about someone in my life currently.]

Anyway, I was thinking about the differences between his and Dreamy's lovemaking, and found it hard to explain. They've both enabled me to have incredibly mind-blowing orgasms, and I could use many of the same words to describe both of them, but the feeling I get from each is very different. Part of it is, I'm sure, that I'm more familiar with Shorty, but I really haven't known him that much longer. I was walking home from breakfast out with Dreamy and was sort of floating above the sidewalk, feeling satisfied from the time we spent together, but I know it was radically different from the satisfaction I've felt after being with Shorty. Yet, I don't know how to explain what that difference is, other than one being a little more of a quiet contentment with having been pleasured skillfully (Dreamy), and the other a fair amount more joyful, tender, and adventurous (Shorty). I think, maybe, that's it, but I really don't know. And I'm equally happy with both.

I guess that doesn't help much, but I do think this is an interesting topic.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-21-2011 at 01:25 AM.
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  #14  
Old 02-20-2011, 11:05 PM
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Nyc,
I totally understand.

I have awesome sex with both Maca and GG. But, it's so totally different. Even if we compared the same position... it's totally not the same. Two different men, two different personalities, two different bodies, two different attitudes,
therefore,
two totally different experiences.



both of which rock my world wonderfully.
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Old 02-20-2011, 11:07 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
two totally different experiences.



both of which rock my world wonderfully.
Woo-hoo! A toast to having our worlds rocked!

(and our toes curled)
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-21-2011 at 01:26 AM.
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  #16  
Old 02-21-2011, 02:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Vera View Post
How do I explain to him that neither one will be better than the other one and that I will still want to have sex with him?
I really, really enjoy listening to the Smokin' Joe Kubeck Band. That in no way diminishes my enjoyment of Counting Crows.
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  #17  
Old 02-21-2011, 02:31 AM
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I think for me it was easier to deal with when Karma finaly sat me down and said "There are things I do with you that will never feel the same with Cricket, there are things I do with her that will never feel the same with you. You are two different women with two different needs and personalities." Somehow it just kind of clicked for me. I can think back to other partners and know that certain things felt different with certain partners. Didn't make one better or worse, just different.

That made things a lot easier for me. It goes back to feeling special. At least for me.
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  #18  
Old 02-21-2011, 01:31 PM
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Gotta be honest and upfront about how the two are different even if you don't feel one is better than the other.

Stuff like..."Yes, I like how he does so-and-so...but on the other hand I really love how you do this-and-that."

Because let's face it...we're kidding ourselves if we say "Oh you're both the best...and equally so!". But if you embrace the differences and how both are great in different ways, then it's much more believable.
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  #19  
Old 02-22-2011, 02:32 AM
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I don't believe in sharing details, and I would really like to not know details about Easy and Asha that I don't already know--just, you know, I think it would make me feel *more* like I was being compared, or that maybe Easy was telling me so that I would change what I was doing.

What helped me was to be able to think about it from my own perspective. When I get afraid that Easy wishes I would do X or that Asha does Y better or just that Easy enjoys his time with Asha better, it really helped me to stop and think about my time with Sunday. I don't compare them. I enjoy different things about them. They kiss *very* differently, but there's not a chance I would like either of them to change that! I would be so sad if I had to give up one of them. If I'm not actually comparing the two of them, then it seems likely that Easy isn't comparing me and Asha, either.

Plus, love is so much more than physical sensation. I don't love either Easy, Asha, or Sunday for sex. (Though I'd cry if I never got to have sex again.)
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  #20  
Old 02-23-2011, 06:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post

Plus, love is so much more than physical sensation. I don't love either Easy, Asha, or Sunday for sex. (Though I'd cry if I never got to have sex again.)
I know that feeling. I don't love Wolf, Wendigo, or Pretty Lady for the sex, but the sex is amazing with each of them and I'd cry if I never got to have sex with them again. Each of them are different and yes, there are some things that each of them do for me that the others can't/ won't/ or just aren't as experienced at. Their bodies are different, their lovemaking styles are different, and I love that about them. Wolf has trouble separating different from better sometimes - what's helped for us is to have the occasional threesome or foursome. Wendigo likes me talking to him, even during sex about the differences and what I enjoy that he does for me. And Pretty Lady and I have not experienced another woman before, so we're exploring together. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's scary and nerve wracking and the guys have to prod us into making a move, but we're getting there.

It's up to you and your partners to figure out what works best for you and them and to accept that what works for one might not work for the other.
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