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  #41  
Old 05-22-2014, 02:32 AM
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Much thanks, @swirlingnurse. The world just isn't set up for people like us, is it? As much as I crave women, I'm not about to resort casual sex with a man watching, nor will I be some bicurious woman's "experiment," or accept anything less than an awesome, fully empowered woman who engages me mind, body, and heart.
I totally agree LoveBunny. I know how those cravings for a woman is because they are ferocious. When I"m making love to a woman, I don't want a man around as much as I love men. Get that woman who is proud and confident and is all in on having a same-sex relationship with you and not trying to just "test the waters". I hope it happens in the near future for you.
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  #42  
Old 05-31-2014, 06:01 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Shane returned to town after a month away. Soon, he goes away again for another month. By late fall or early winter, he will probably take a post overseas. Shane wanted to see me as soon as possible when he got back, texted me for two days straight trying to get me to come over. I wanted to spend some time with him before we did anything sexually, because I wasn't feeling connected, what with him away for so long when we've just started dating. He did text me here and there during his trip to let me know he was thinking of me which was nice.

So I made a date with him for Saturday (today) when I knew I had a long chunk of time to spend. But then, I got horny yesterday (Friday,) I had a few hours to kill, the island felt hot and steamy and sexy, and with my engines revving, I hit him up for a booty call. This was a big mistake.

When I first walked into his condo, I realized that since he left, I had forgotten exactly how he looked and sounded. My memory of his face and voice were just a bit off, and reminded me I haven't known him long or well. We had a glass of wine and chatted a bit. When he started kissing me, I thought I was relaxed and ready, lips on the neck felt nice, hands on my ass, yes, yes, yes.

This was the first time he and I have done it indoors (the two other times were quickies on remote beaches) and this was the first time we had uninterrupted private sexy-time. We moved it into his bedroom. Somewhere into it, I just shut down emotionally, physically. Though some of the things he did felt quite good, I couldn't reach a satisfying orgasm, and some things he did I did not like at all.

During sex, my submissive tendencies come out, and I become very pliable and unwilling to create conflict. Some of the things he did were a bit too intense for me within the context of our relationship. For example, he wanted me not to break eye contact with him, which made me feel very, very vulnerable. I took it as a challenge, and did it as best I could. He told me, "You are mine now," which came off creepy. He brought up my husband a couple of times, like "When's the last time your husband fucked you like this?" I mumbled, "Let's not talk about him." But he did it again, "Your husband's an idiot for not fucking you every day." I did not like him disrespecting my Arlo. He ordered me not to use the word "pussy," to use the word "cunt." I guess that's not a big deal, I can get over my negative connotations of the "c" word, but it annoyed me. He sucked my toes and licked my armpits, which is flattering, I guess, but ick.

I know I could've stopped him anytime, but I don't like to get "blueballed" (whatever the female equivalent is) so I don't do it to others. He wasn't forcing or hurting me, and there were some very nice moments, he does certain things very well. So I just carried on until he came, then extricated myself. Afterwards, I was flooded with depression. This was not the fulfilling experience I wanted. I felt degraded, though that's not fair to either of us. Why didn't I speak up, slow down, do what I needed to do to educate him of my likes and dislikes? Would that have made it better, or turned sex into less of a dance, more of an exercise?

As I was leaving, he asked if we could still have our date tonight (Saturday) and I said okay. I don't feel he did anything to merit my loss of warmth, plus I hoped I'd feel more positive about the experience after I slept on it. But today, I want to cancel our date, and possibly end the whole thing.

I cannot get close to someone who is so often away, and who won't even be on the same continent a year from now (I'm not interested in an LDR.) Also, I really don't like how casually Shane has sex. He was telling me about some of his recent encounters, one with a woman who I rejected on AdultFriendFinder. He said he didn't care that she wasn't that good looking or particularly interesting, as long as she could fuck like a champ. Good for him that he gets off so easy. Honestly, I'm a little jealous. Still, it turns me off about him.

I'd rather text him than talk so I can measure my words. Something like: "Hey Shane, I'd prefer to cancel tonight. Yesterday was a bit intense for me, and I'd like to step back and recalibrate a bit before I see you again. That's not a reflection of anything you did or of my liking for you, I just want to process it." Should I do it before I know he gets off work? in two hours? Or should I just wait and see if he texts me first? Or should I just tell him I'm tired or busy tonight after all, then process it on my own, then talk to him about my feelings after I've had time to figure them out? He's a pretty casual guy...

Perhaps I've got what I needed out of this relationship. Shane taught me a lot about what I do and don't want out of non-monogamy, we've had some fun, but he's not, ultimately, scratching my itch. I keep coming back to the idea that it's really a woman I want, and not a man at all. I certainly don't want Shane to cuddle me or hold me. I'm not sure I want any man to (except Arlo sometimes.) I think Shane will be disappointed, but I doubt I'm breaking his heart. Hmmmm......
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Last edited by LoveBunny; 05-31-2014 at 06:09 PM.
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  #43  
Old 06-14-2014, 06:07 PM
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It's gay pride week, and all kind of events are going on to celebrate. I've been trying to get involved, though, honestly, when I see two pretty women together, I get almost painfully jealous because I have no woman in my life, and because the last woman I let into my heart just about broke it.

I'm a naturally shy person, so I'm proud of myself that I texted my gay friends and asked them to invite me to anything they were up to. I had a nice time yesterday hanging with a bi/lesbian acquaintance who I've always had a crush on (but who has a very jealous girlfriend.) She let me hang with her while she DJ'd an event. Tomorrow I'll join some friends at the gay pride parade.

As a bisexual woman married to a man, I often feel invisible to the GLBT community. Lately, I find myself wanting to be more "out," in part so I can "advertise" to potential girlfriends, but also because my love for women really is a big part of my identity, and many of the most intense loves of my life have been women. But I'm not entirely certain how to go about it. My identity as a woman in a heterosexual marriage is obvious to everyone: It's written on my facebook status, worn on my ring finger, spoken in my last name. But there's this whole other part of me, and I want to find a way to show that too.

Last night, my hairdresser, a cute single mother I've always suspected is bi showed up at the gay karaoke bar where I was with my husband and some friends. She pulled me onto the dance floor, and when I protested that I can't dance, she "led" me. I gave in and let her twirl me in her arms. Felt delicious. I might have to go get my hair done this week
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  #44  
Old 06-30-2014, 10:31 PM
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My sex drive has hit a low ebb. Arlo and I made love a couple of times this week, but fireworks were not forthcoming. There's no other love interest on my radar, so my inner slut figures she might as well just shut down for a while and focus on writing, enjoy non-sexual affection from Arlo, and build up my platonic friendships.

I've been spending a lot of time with my closest friend, Victoria. Besides Arlo, Victoria is the person I spend the most time with, and talk to the most often. I started getting close to Victoria last year, just as my relationship with Coco was falling apart. I feel like this fulfilling, platonic female friendship was the karmic prize and the antidote to that sexual, toxic relationship. Victoria reminds me how it feels to have someone reciprocate my level of emotional investment, and I'm infinitely grateful she's around this summer.

Arlo and I had a huge fight last week. He was drunk and high for, like, the third night in a row, and he got angry and said horrible things. He's upset that I don't want to relocate across the country just because he got a job offer there which might make him a little more money. I told him if he wants to go, he should go, but I'm not interested in relocating. He became very insulting, and I responded in kind. He stormed out of the house and slept on the beach.

Once he sobered up, apologetic and embarrassed, he agreed to get some help with his substance abuse and anger issues, and made an appointment with a therapist for next week.

Shane comes back from overseas soon, but I'm not sure I want to see him again. The cute bi hairdresser I flirted with a while back, well, I found her profile on OKC where she answered "No" to the question "Would you consider an open relationship?" So no point pursuing that. I was emailing a younger woman for a while on SDC, really gorgeous, a red-head with green eyes, well-spoken, bi, in an open marriage, and she lives just under an hour away. She called me "absolutely lovely" when she saw my pictures, and last we spoke, she said she wanted to meet me, so I gave her my number. Then, she just ghosted. I sent her two messages in 7 days, with no reply to either. Doesn't give me the feeling she's bristling with excitement about me.

I've been wanting to talk to Arlo about our DADT agreement, wanting to clarify that I'm willing to remain DADT about casual/sexual relationships only. I think I can admit to myself that I'm not that interested in a serious secondary relationship with a man. I just can't imagine wanting any man but Arlo snuggling with me, or sleeping beside me at night. I've never been very interested in navigating all that men-are-from-mars, women-from-venus crap.

If I really think about it, rarely in my life have I felt "romantic" towards men (barring a couple of hardcore crushes, never consummated, in high school and college.) Even Arlo's presence has always felt more calming than invigorating. I'm absolutely comfortable around him. I never got crazy butterflies at the thought of seeing him, never put him on a pedestal. Mine isn't that kind of love for him, it's very on-the-ground and loyal. Maybe that's why it's lasted 17 years.

Anyway, I feel like I'm fine with DADT/mostly-casual relationships with men outside my marriage. But I'm really hoping to explore something deeper with a woman. I want a girlfriend, meaning I'd spend enough time with her that it might sometimes require "worlds colliding." I won't want to keep her identity secret from my husband. I wonder if my husband and I should discuss this before I actually find an appropriate woman to date. On the other hand, maybe Arlo needs to concentrate on his personal issues right now, and why rock the boat when there's no need to? Besides, who is to say such a woman will ever materialize out of my tiny dating pool?
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Last edited by LoveBunny; 06-30-2014 at 10:35 PM.
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  #45  
Old 07-02-2014, 12:01 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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...I think I can admit to myself that I'm not that interested in a serious secondary relationship with a man. I just can't imagine wanting any man but Arlo snuggling with me, or sleeping beside me at night. I've never been very interested in navigating all that men-are-from-mars, women-from-venus crap.

If I really think about it, rarely in my life have I felt "romantic" towards men (barring a couple of hardcore crushes, never consummated, in high school and college.) Even Arlo's presence has always felt more calming than invigorating. I'm absolutely comfortable around him. I never got crazy butterflies at the thought of seeing him, never put him on a pedestal. Mine isn't that kind of love for him, it's very on-the-ground and loyal. Maybe that's why it's lasted 17 years.
I can relate to a lot of this. Although I went through periods of "butterflies" with both MrS and Dude (and a few high school crushes) they were controllable and short lived (I am not a fan of NRE, personally, I prefer to feel like myself). I never had a "romanticized" view of relationships (or marriage for that matter) - we are all flawed people making our way through an imperfect world the best we can. Sometimes we are lucky enough to find people to travel with us on that journey.

In general though, I just don't really like most men (and usually not beyond friends-possibly-with-benefits) it was 19 years between MrS and Dude - maybe in another couple of decades I'll cross paths with another one that I can't get away from...

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... I wonder if my husband and I should discuss this before I actually find an appropriate woman to date. On the other hand, maybe Arlo needs to concentrate on his personal issues right now, and why rock the boat when there's no need to? Besides, who is to say such a woman will ever materialize out of my tiny dating pool?
My two cents? I would certainly advise discussing it, hypothetically, before the situation arises (and the emotions are stirred), BUT it seems that right this second, he has to deal with his "personal issues" (anger and substance abuse).

Once he is well on the road to dealing with them you might broach the subject along the lines of "Hey, I've been wanting to discuss a hypothetical possibility with you about what it could look like if I got a 'serious' girlfriend...no rush, I have no such prospect in sight, but, when this bit is all stable down the road, I have some ideas I'd like to run by you."
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VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


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  #46  
Old 07-02-2014, 01:05 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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@JaneQSmith I think that's good advice about Arlo, he needs to figure out if he wants to even be here. I'm glad someone can relate to my sexuality, which seems to be more emotionally/romantically attracted to women, more sexually attracted to men.

It sounds awful to say, but I've been with more men simply because it's easier, they're always around, offering themselves to me. I rarely have to look for them.

Women--at least, the sort of women I like, fair, feminine, and feline, tend to show up few and far between in my life. Up until recently, I'd given up on the idea of ever meeting a compatible woman, but I have to be honest with myself that a beautiful, compassionate woman is really what I want.

I've been trying to be more involved with the GLBT community here lately, but very few of the lesbians I know seem to want to give me the time of day. They don't invite me out when they go out, they won't introduce me to their friends, etc. I don't dress like they do with short hair, no make up, tattoos, and, of course, I have a man in my bed, so apparently, my sexuality doesn't count. One lesbian I was trying to make friends with propositioned me sexually, but when I said "let's just hang out as friends and see where it goes," she accused me of only liking "femmes" (yeah, true) and she stopped returning my texts. I got the feeling I was good enough to fuck, but she'd be embarrassed to be seen with me around her lesbian friends.

The local "swinger" community, on the other hand, has been much more accepting of me, though most of them seem a bit mystified as to my methods and motivations. One thing I admire about swingers is that they seem to be able to find something attractive about most people. This one swinger couple I'm good friends with recently decided to try full-blown polyamory, and they both found people they wanted to date right away.

Anyway, thanks for reading and for your input!
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  #47  
Old 07-13-2014, 08:22 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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I had a great talk with Arlo regarding DADT. I told him that after two years of being open, I think I've proved that I'm not going to lose my focus on my marriage, or fall apart over everyone I sleep with. I explained that I've determined I'm not interested in a heavy relationship with another man, however, the sort of relationship I hope to forge with some woman someday would suffer under Arlo's strict DADT policy.

Arlo thought about it, and a few days later told me he was fine with me having girlfriend openly, but please stick to DADT when it comes to men. I agreed, as that jives with my vision for myself. Now watch, some groovy man will come along that I'll fall madly in love with, that would be just my luck.

Last night I met up with the pretty redhead from SDC with whom I've been talking to sporadically via email, and her husband. I had told them I'm mostly just interested in women, and they'd assured me I was free to pursue one, the other, or both of them as I chose. She gave me her husband's number to hash out the details of the meet up rather than her own. A safety measure, I guess, as she's an innocent young thing and I'm a stranger off the internet, but it doesn't point to her and I starting an independent relationship.

She was striking, smart, and quirky, but seemed soooo young. I really felt our 16 year age difference. She looks barely out of her teens to me, especially when she gets nervous and starts chewing her nails. Her husband is close to my age, only five years younger than me, but I am definitely not attracted to him. Apparently, she went straight from small-town Baptist university into her marriage bed, and she and her husband seem very intertwined and in their own little world. I have a hard time imagining her in a relationship with me.

The redhead, her husband and I spent a couple of hours talking and getting drunk in a tequila bar, then took a meander along the pier. She didn't flirt with me that I noticed, and we didn't have much physical contact besides our legs leaning up against each other as we stood gazing at the water. She's a shy person, as am I. I do best with someone confident enough to draw me out, and I suspect she needs someone similar. I'd be willing to try a date alone with her to figure out if there's a spark between us, but I'm unsure of her interest and afraid to ask, as I don't do well with rejection.

I'd noticed that Shane, the guy I met on SDC and slept with three times, "friended" them on the site, so I asked if they knew him. I learned the husband has met Shane, wife has not. Nonetheless, Shane brought her back a tee-shirt from his recent travels. I explained I'd recently been involved with Shane, but it seems to have fizzled out. I told her he's a great guy, but I also warned her that he got a little too intense for me our last encounter, demanding constant eye contact, doing some things I didn't like, and she agreed that would have freaked her too.

I hate to admit it, but I don't like the idea of Shane and this young woman hooking up. I mean, I think I'm done with Shane, and I'm lukewarm about this young woman, so what's with the jealousy? Shane certainly wouldn't mind the husband watching, while I would. Shane is probably exactly the casual, confident person they're hoping to swing with, while I'm shy and serious and looking for love. What can I expect from people I met on a swingers' dating site?

I haven't heard from Red via email or her husband via text today. I'll probably just send her a nice, neutral email saying It was great meeting you, I had fun, hope the drive home was safe, feel free to holler at me next time you want to come to town...we'll see if it goes anywhere from there.

After I got home from meeting Red and her husband, I called Arlo, who was out with a friend. Arlo asked if I wanted him to come home, and I admitted it would be nice. We did some serious snuggling. We had nice sex a few days ago, so I'm feeling better about our love-life, though he still hasn't gone to a therapist like he promised. I'll remind him to call on Monday, I plan to insist as hard as I can without frustrating myself.
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  #48  
Old 07-21-2014, 09:41 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Arlo had a good first therapy session, and we had good sex all week. One night, out at a gay karaoke bar, he even encouraged me to flirt with my cute bisexual hairdresser. I'm feeling good about my marriage

Ah, the cute hairdresser! She seemed very happy to see me, but then, she was very drunk (as was I) and we hugged several times, more than was necessary to say hello and goodbye. Once, I took her hand and held it in my lap, and she didn't pull away. I bought her a drink, and she asked me to dance with her. She held me in her arms a long time, and I made sure to pull her in very close and tight.

I'd really like to get to know her better, but shyness and fear of rejection is getting the best of me. Her OKCupid profile said she would NOT consider an open relationship, she never "likes" or comments on my posts on Facebook, plus I feel like she's a pretty direct person who would ask me out if she wanted to do more than just flirt. I wish I knew if she's so touchy-feely with all women, or just me? I haven't seen her act like that with anyone else, but I've only hung with her a couple of times. I guess I'll make a hair appointment next week, I'm due for a cut anyway, and see if I still feel a vibe when there's no tequila involved.
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Old 07-25-2014, 11:58 PM
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Twice in the last couple of weeks I have run into my cute, bisexual hairdresser at gay bars. Both times we were drunk, and she pulled me into her arms to dance. The second time there was some random cuddling. So, yesterday, I got my hair cut, both because I needed it and also I wanted to sit in her chair and get to know her better.

I am a very subtle flirter until I'm sure someone is into me. And if the other woman is also a subtle flirter, well, all is lost. So let's over-analyze everything she did and said and try to figure out if she's into me, shall we?

1) When I walked in, she did not stand up and hug me (she was on her computer laughing at something on Facebook.) I hugged her while she was still sitting. Awkward.

2) She took her time shampooing, styling, etc., and we sat and talked for a while after the cut was finished, just basic getting-to-know-you stuff like where we grew up, what kind of books we read, etc.. She was clearly in no hurry to get rid of me, though the conversation didn't go very deep (Inside I was screaming "Let's talk about being bi! What turns you on in bed?")

3) No obvious flirting or inappropriate touching went on, though we were alone in her salon, but of course, she's a pro, and I'm a client. She did some nice little brushing away water drops with her thumb on my forehead and chest, but I think she always does that. Once, she was telling a story about dropping crumbs in her cleveage and she reached down pretty far on my chest. I think it's safe to say she feels comfortable touching me. I cannot confirm that she likes it.

4) Her energy felt very different from previous encounters. She seemed more awkward and her voice sounded louder. She's always been very talkative, but this time I struggled to get a word in. This made me get kind of quiet--like I wanted to calm the energy a bit, and I felt like she was a little out of her head. I'm thinking she's far more social awkward than I realized. I did learn she comes from strict, religious upbringing and was homeschooled, has some phobia and anxiety issues, so that might explain some of the nervous energy.

5) I hinted about going over to house sometime to play on her karaoke machine, we both asked each other's plans for the evening (she has kids, so she was busy parenting.) Before I left, I said, "I'd love for us to go out for a drink sometime." She replied, "I'd love to." I said, "When you can ditch the kids, let me know." Which was stupid, because now I feel stuck in the position of waiting for her to contact me. I'm thinking of sending her a follow up saying something like "If you want to nail down a night so you can find childcare, I'd love that drink soon." We did not hug goodbye.

I get the sense she's interested in me as a friend, I don't see much indication that she's open to anything more, but maybe she was just in "work mode." I'm pretty sure she's read my OKCupid profile so knows my deal, I can't imagine I wouldn't have popped up in her searches, but who knows? I gave her lots of eye contact and smiles. I am disappointed that there wasn't more of a sexual, touchy vibe like when we were out at the bars.

And because the Universe is a jokester, an attractive man seems to be coming on to me in an obvious way. He's a masseuse, he worked on me once at a friend's house, and months later I ran into him at a party and he was very flirty . I have no idea if he knows I'm married. I wear my wedding band, but he's never seen me with Arlo. Do men notice wedding bands?

He asked me, at the beginning of the massage, if I wanted a "happy ending." I though he was joking and said "Some other time." I'm not sure he was kidding. My friend, who uses him more frequently, says she doesn't know if he does that.

For men, paying for sexual contact seems to be a rite of passage. My husband's had hookers. Most men I know have at least gotten lap dances from strippers. Paying men for sex just isn't something women do. But maybe it would be gratifying. I've become sort of intrigued with the idea of this man giving me a happy ending. But would he stop there? I have a hard time imagining a man wouldn't press for his own sexual gratification. But I have no idea how these things work.

Anyway, my friend just texted to tell me Mr. Masseuse is going out on his boat tomorrow, and invited her and me to come. I said yes, and he immediately texted me himself (friend gave him my number, obviously) and he invited me out for drinks tonight! Why can't women be this obvious and un-subtle?? Anyway, I have plans to see a movie with a pregnant friend tonight, so it'll be a quiet evening, but I suspect I'm going to have a very interesting day out on the water tomorrow
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Old 08-03-2014, 06:08 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Feeling stuck. Can't seem to make a connection, and I know I'm trying much too hard and frustrating myself.

I contacted Red (the much-younger woman I met on SDC) to ask how she was doing with job and househunting (she seems to be making no progress on either front.) She said she and hubby were coming into town late Saturday night to meet Shane (single swinger guy I slept with a few times) but maybe we could meet up first, because she'd love to see me again? This didn't sit right with me, I'm not a fucking appetizer, I'm the main course, baby! Whatever. I said I didn't know my plans, but if she wanted she could text me when she got to town. She didn't.

I texted bi hairdresser early in the week to see if she thought she could get out during the weekend. She texted back the next day to say she would let me know if she didn't have the kids. I feel that if she was truly interested, she'd hire a babysitter for a couple of hours and come out for a drink. I want someone to be interested enough in me to go out of their way to see me.

Finding women to date is so much harder than I thought it would be, and it's disheartening. I can't help but dwell on the fact that the last woman who wanted me seemed to have a personality disorder, and was really just looking for someone to use and abuse. Not good for my ego at all.

I'm still toying with the idea of something with this male masseuse. He's promiscuous, which is a turn-off for me, but I feel like he might be good practice in setting sexual limits. I become extremely submissive during sex, and I've had a few men try to "dom" me. The first was a guy in NYC when I was young and broke, so I took on a sugar daddy.

I don't talk, ever, about this episode in my life, I almost feel like it happened to someone else. It only lasted a couple of months, and it just doesn't fit anywhere in my personal history, so I just pretend it never happened. But of course, it was a desperate, suicidal act. I was in a bad place financially, emotionally, spiritually. He was the first to tie me up and use nipple clamps and of course, I was paid afterwards. I wish I could go back and protect my younger self from this, I just can't believe I ever treated myself that way.

Men have always been able to sense a certain pliability about me, an ability to be dominated sexually, whether because I'm a very petite woman or because of something else I'm giving off? It started when I was nineteen, just before I left home for good, the boy who lived next door used to break into my house to get to me. He'd be waiting behind a door for me when I got home from work, or he'd come through my room at night while my parents slept downstairs and I'd wake to him naked beside my bed. I found his lust for me both frightening, and exhilarating. If I tried to resist him, he just held me hard pressed his mouth to mine, and I gave in. He was great looking boy, and the first person I ever had an orgasm with. It was confusing.

The masseuse is a good man and he loves women and likes me. I'm not terribly physically attracted to him, but I wonder if it might be healing for me to pay him to give me a happy ending, IF I manage to maintain my boundaries, meaning he can't touch me with anything but his hands and I won't touch him at all. It might be nice, for once, to feel I have all the power over a man.

All this makes me so grateful for the connection I have with Arlo. He's by no means perfect, and ours is no easy marriage--we argue a good deal, and we definitely have some dysfunctional patterns, but I never doubt his underlying love for me, or his loyalty.
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Early 40's female, bisexual, married and open.
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