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  #21  
Old 04-15-2014, 12:06 AM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Last night I met up with Shane at a wine bar. He explained he was stuck at work when he flaked on me earlier this week, so I let it drop. Once the wine kicked in, so did my libido. Shane still has houseguests, so we couldn't go to his place, and one of my husband's hard bottom-lines is no sex with other partners in our home. We went to a karaoke bar for a bit, and Shane wanted to make out in the bar. I allowed it, but I know some of the staff, so I felt a bit weird. It's a small town. Yes, my husband knows I date outside the marriage, but he wants me to be "discreet." Making out in a karaoke bar might not qualify, in Arlo's eyes.

I keep wiggling for more space, trying to become what I'm supposed to become. It's complicated when my life partner, Arlo, resists change. For example, Shane asked me if he might be able to take me with him one weekend when he travels to the mainland. But that would involve having a big conversation with Arlo where I let him know "there's someone I want to spend more time with." Arlo won't love the idea, and there will probably be mild drama while he processes that new reality. At this time, I don't want to spend a weekend with Shane badly enough to risk rocking the boat with Arlo.

Luckily, Shane understands. He was in a similar arrangement with his ex-wife, who was also monogamous. Her bottom-lines were almost verbatim to Arlo's: "Don't wave it in my face, and don't publicly embarrass me." Of course Shane was mostly only interested in casual hook-ups, so he might not have struggled as much. I'll have to ask him the details. I'd be interested to hear how he handled it, or if it ever backfired. He said he got divorced because they both travelled all the time, not because of his extramarital relationships.

When I got home last night, Arlo was home from work. Arlo and I had not-good sex before bed. I propositioned him, he accepted, but there was no real enthusiasm on either part. I was drunk and tired. Arlo's lack of healthy habits, his working too much, drinking, smoking, and coking too much, really has taken a toll on his ability to get hard, stay hard, and orgasm, and I resent it. I want us to have a good sex life together. And I really wanted to have sex with someone yesterday.

Here's another example of why Arlo's DADT-rule is annoying. I'm wary of accepting gifts from lovers. Shane gave me a bottle of wine today from his wine club and I'm thinking about what to say if Arlo mentions it (it's a Chardonnay and I never drink Chardonnay.) I've told Arlo he must never expect me to lie, so I guess I'll just tell him "Someone gave it to me," and let Arlo infer what he likes.

Today I took Shane paddleboarding, he'd never gone. We had a great time, even found a secluded bit of shore to fuck upon (standing up--we hadn't brought towels or blankets.) I think it's funny that we've done it twice now, both times outdoors. Orgasms for us both!

Looking at Shane, I can see how Arlo would feel insecure if they met. Shane is more sexual than Arlo, has more a lot more money, Shane is more well-traveled and has more education. He's even in better shape. But Arlo and I share a history, we are a family, and Shane--well, Shane does whatever he likes, he travels a lot, he's shamelessly promiscuous, and he's planning on leaving town for good when his station ends in a little over a year from now. Shane's not life-partner material, and I like having a life partner. Most of the time, I like having Arlo for that life partner. But Shane is pretty perfect for a lover.

Arlo hopes whoever I get serious about, ultimately, will be a woman--and frankly, so do I, not just because it's easier on Arlo, but because I've always wanted a husband and a girlfriend. But, with either gender, Arlo's resistance to them being in my life hinders my ability to bond with them.

I'd been chatting for a few days with a woman on OKCupid, single, bisexual, and polyamorous, who lives on the mainland but travels here a few times a year. She messaged she was "excited to meet healthy poly people." At that point, I explained that my husband wasn't polyamorous, and my marriage had only been open a year and a half. I admitted it hadn't been easy, but that I felt we'd come to a place where we were both fairly comfortable. I didn't want her to think she was dating an experienced poly couple where a friendly metamour might bring her tea while she and I cuddle on my sofa... Not now, maybe not ever.

The chick seems to have ghosted. She lives in a place where there is large poly community, so I'm guessing she can find plenty of people closer to her and with less baggage.

I worry Arlo and I will never outgrow this stage. But, at least for now, things feel pretty good, so I'm choosing to be grateful for the balance of freedom and stability.
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Last edited by LoveBunny; 04-15-2014 at 12:10 AM.
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  #22  
Old 04-19-2014, 06:53 PM
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My husband, Arlo, and I have hit a rough patch. With our sex life dwindling, lots things around the house and yard in need of maintenance, and him working 60 hours a week, I resent time he spends out drinking with his buddies. We argued because he was out late 2 nights in a row. Arlo is not a good arguer, he attacks me with everything he's got. He brought up that he hasn't gotten over the abortion I had last year. He says a big part of him wishes he had children. It hurts to have to deny him something he wants, but I'm about to turn 42, and I have zero desire to be the caregiver of a child.

We have been talking the last few days about the possibility of transitioning out of our marriage together. We've nearly split before, but I think we both seem less resistant to the idea this time. Arlo might be happier within a more traditional marriage, and I might thrive with a life partner who is more adventurous and sexual. On the other hand, we've got nearly 17 years of living together under our belt, and it's very, very hard and painful to imagine a future in which Arlo is not in my daily life. Nobody in the world knows me better than Arlo. I'm not close, geographically or emotionally, to my parents and have no siblings, so he is my only family.

Though some might say finances shouldn't even be a consideration, I have to be honest and say, for me, they are. I'd have to trade in our nice house with a fishpond and hammock in the yard for a studio apartment, or find a roommate situation--and idea which makes me cringe. I would likely have to work more and/or change one or more my current jobs to make enough to get by. Moving us both out into new rentals will empty our paltry savings.

Are my husband and I even in love anymore? I know I often enjoy his company, and I care what happens to him, but the sexual passion has simmered. There are certainly aspects of him I find utterly unendearing, but I assume that's true with all long-term relationships. We already conduct our social lives separately, it's just easier. I work days, he works nights, I like tequila and karaoke bars, book clubs, and deep talks, while he likes wine and cigar bars, casual chit-chat about work, and watching sports on t.v..

We both know we have a lot of soul-searching to do, but we're both so busy with work that we don't have time or energy to just stop and hash things out. It sucks. I'm just trying to be still and figure out what I really want and need while listening to what Arlo really wants and needs, but I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Our island's tourist season is almost over so hopefully soon we can both a take a breather work-wise and spend some time together and figure this out. As for tonight, Arlo is at work. I can't decide if I should go to a party and be social and refresh my spirit or just stay quiet at home and refresh my body. I do not want to be this tired or this stressed, but I don't see much getting around it right now.
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  #23  
Old 04-21-2014, 03:25 PM
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The night before last, Arlo took my hand in the middle of the night and said, "I love you so much. Please don't leave me." I didn't know what to make of that, considering we'd been discussing divorce just days earlier, but I assured him I wasn't trying to leave him. Then last night, he texted that he was staying at a friend's house for the night. I was confused and miffed, thinking he was out getting drunk and high all night and avoiding me.

But when my husband walked in the door in the morning, I recognized the irrepressible little grin that comes after a very nice encounter. "You met a girl!" I shrieked in glee. Arlo wasn't comfortable giving me details, but he admitted (proudly) she is 23 years old (he is 40,) and they kissed, maybe more, they did not have sex. I assured him he had no reason to feel guilty or conflicted about this, it really is ok with me as long as he was a gentleman with her. Then, I jumped in the shower and he joined me. At first, I resisted having sex, not wanting this to be about some other woman. Then I though, what the hell? and gave him an orgasm.

I'm guessing Arlo will need some time to process his feelings about this. I broke down and told my bosses I need a few days off from double-shifts, I need some time for my body and mind. Could this be the start of Arlo truly understanding the benefits of polyamory?
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  #24  
Old 04-29-2014, 03:56 AM
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It seems like your husband didn't want poly in the beginning but was afraid that you'd leave him.

You also say he's insecure about your relationships with men.

He might be feeling resentment, abandonment, insecurity, jealousy, and a lot of stress because of the marriage opening up. Doesn't seem like he wanted it in the first place.

I don't see this ending well.
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Old 04-29-2014, 10:32 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Well, @Listen, no, he didn't want an open marriage, though I always thought he was more open to the idea than he turned out to be. Unfortunately, at this point, my sexuality isn't a genie that's going back in the bottle, not even for my husband, and he understands that. We have no kids, no shared assets, so every day we stay together its out of love. We just had a great day together celebrating my birthday, so today I'm feeling optomistic. He even asked me how things were going for me "relationship-wise," and seemed genuinely glad when I replied "great." For now, I'm going to continue to trust in the man who has been at my side, growing with me, for nearly 17 years, rather than end my marriage to search for some hypothetical partner for whom polyamory is more natural. If it becomes untenable for either of us, I will let him walk away, and I will remain his biggest fan.
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  #26  
Old 04-30-2014, 10:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
Well, @Listen, no, he didn't want an open marriage, though I always thought he was more open to the idea than he turned out to be. Unfortunately, at this point, my sexuality isn't a genie that's going back in the bottle, not even for my husband, and he understands that. We have no kids, no shared assets, so every day we stay together its out of love. We just had a great day together celebrating my birthday, so today I'm feeling optomistic. He even asked me how things were going for me "relationship-wise," and seemed genuinely glad when I replied "great." For now, I'm going to continue to trust in the man who has been at my side, growing with me, for nearly 17 years, rather than end my marriage to search for some hypothetical partner for whom polyamory is more natural. If it becomes untenable for either of us, I will let him walk away, and I will remain his biggest fan.
Just an observation, really.

Ask him how he really feels and what he wishes he could have. Ask him how the situation makes him feel. I'm sure you have done it already, but it's always good to check up on him and how he is doing.

A growing bitterness will stir inside of him and lead him into heavy depression if he truly does not want an open relationship and he feels a lot of mental pain from you being with other men. You already see that he's in a lot of stress.

Make sure he's okay, ever single day.
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Old 04-30-2014, 12:06 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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@Listen, I don't even see him every single day. He works 60 hours a week, which causes much more of his stress than anything I do. I "check in" about once a month. Arlo isn't particularly in touch with his emotions so asking him how he's doing daily would accomplish nothing and annoy him.

During our last check in, I told him he needs to decide if he wants a more traditional marriage (monogamous, children, someone who is more of a homemaker, who values a man who is a provider rather than a companion), or if he wants me. So far, for whatever reason, he chooses me, but believe me, I will ask him again down the road.
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  #28  
Old 05-01-2014, 02:34 AM
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"Listen," your posts aren't really appropriate for a blog. Our blogs here in the Life Stories and Blogs forum are "protected" in a way, as they are meant to be a safe space for people to post without being challenged or given advice when they just want to tell their story and/or work things out for themselves. Read our Guidelines for more about that. It's not that people can't post to blogs, but this is not the place to challenge someone or debate a topic. If this blog makes you think of issues you want to discuss, you can start a thread in General Discussions or the Poly Relationships forums.

LoveBunny, I can remove Listen's posts for you, if you like. Let me know. Blogs are the exception where you can ask for any negative or unwanted posts removed from a thread you started.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #29  
Old 05-01-2014, 01:41 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Thanks, @NYCindie, you can leave the comments. They're certainly nothing I haven't thought of myself, and goddess knows I've heard enough "you shouldn't be doing this to your husband" from the rest of the world that I'm pretty much immune. Thanks for the quick moderating, though.
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Old 05-05-2014, 09:20 PM
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With my workload lessened and beautiful, perfect weather on the island, I've spent lots of time lately loafing on or near the water with friends. Arlo and I celebrated my birthday with a boat trip to the Nat'l Park. We tried a little sex in the water, but there were too many people around to pull off more than a couple of quick, short thrusts. Last night, Arlo chastised me for getting drunk all yesterday afternoon at the Yacht Club with my girlfriends (the Club isn't stringent about keeping out yachtless riff-raff)--but you know what? I felt good today, rested and focused and positive.

Swinging Single Shane seems to have ghosted again. I didn't get to see him last week due to schedule conflicts, but we had a great text session early this week where he told me he enjoyed my company and said he found me very sexy, and I told him I liked him too. I thought we were getting together Saturday evening, but he did not reply to my text Saturday morning, and I haven't heard from him in the two days since. I'm not sending another text. My phone said the text went through, so it's not that he didn't get it. Even if he didn't, we had talked about seeing each other Saturday, so he knew I was looking forward to it.

Maybe he's mad because I didn't respond to the dick pics he sends me on my birthday. Really, they do nothing for me. I assume he just does it because it turns him on to think of me looking at his penis. I suppose I should text him a "yummy" or "so turned on" just to make him happy. I don't really care to encourage it, though.

It's made me think about what I really want from my "secondary" relationships. I'm longing for a certain level of contact, at least what I get from my closest platonic friends, with whom I rarely go more than a week or two without seeing. Also, I want our time together to be "quality." In other words, I don't want to hang with you while you do your laundry or go food shopping with you. It's a tall order for many people, I know, especially the independent, non-monogamous types willing to date a married woman.

Coco once described my desire for contact with her as me having "a ticking clock." "It must be painful having a ticking clock," she said "Please remember I don't have one." Meaning, she could pass months without seeing me and not care. From that relationship, I learned I want to be with someone who is really excited to spend time with me. Is Shane, or isn't he? I think the answer is "sometimes."

With no current action pending on OkCupid (set up seeking women only) or SwingersDateClub and no one IRL clamoring for my (secondary) hand, I decided to cast the net a bit wider and dirtier: I'm giving the paid version of AdultFriendFinder a try. I fear I'm becoming more and more depraved, but that's not a judgment I'm willing to cast upon myself.

I use a face pic on OkCupid (with secondary full body pics) and a full body pic for SDC, but on AFF I use a picture of just my legs and bikini bottom with the blue ocean between my knees. I set my preferences to women, MEN, and couples--what the hell, come one, come all! I posted my profile (a variation on which is on the other sites

My natural, girl-next-door looks hide a rock-star attitude. I work outside and I love spending time on the beach, on the water, or in the woods. At night, I'm usually near a karaoke machine. I'm an introvert, but never a wallflower.

My husband accepts that I have relationships outside the marriage, but he is not involved. I need a few dates before taking it to the bedroom, as I'm very selective about who gets between my legs. I'm passionate, sensitive, and a great communicator.

I'm looking for much more than "casual sex" or "n.s.a. fun." I'm not planning to leave my adorable husband or steal anyone away from their significant other, and I don't expect anyone to be monogamous to me, but I require trust and friendship at the very least. I promise to treat everyone involved with respect and empathy. If we aren't right as lovers, making new platonic friends is fun, too.

I'm capable of the full spectrum, from lust to romantic love, for either gender, and I believe humans are capable of passionate love for more than one person at a time. I've been intimately involved with men, women, couples, and identical twins.

I'm looking for a part-time lover. Possibly two. Someone reasonably local, someone comfortable with true polyamory (the capacity to love more than one person at a time.) I'm especially hoping find a long-term girlfriend. If you're the female half of a male-female couple, that's great, but I'm not looking for a "package deal." If I happen to like your man too, we'll discuss that when the time is right. I'll want lots of sexy time alone with you.

I'm also open to meeting men who are discreet, caring, educated, fit, and sensual, single or practicing ethical non-monogamy. Again, no "package deals." If your lady is bi-curious, she'll have to seduce me herself.

You are brave and free-thinking. You are capable of real intimacy, communication, and connection. You accept that I am already in one committed, long-term relationship which requires a certain amount of my time and energy. You are capable of making and keeping plans and promises.


So far, I've heard from one woman who wouldn't "play" without her man (I hate that expression. "Play." As if sex is a game, or a competitive sport.) I've also heard from numerous single men who clearly haven't read my profile fully: A man looking to cheat, a single man who wanted to come to town and fuck me once in a while, a man interested in "cuckolding." I chatted up one local woman, a swinger, who said she was open to seeing me without her husband. After a few exchanges, I decided we were not a match. Her pictures (face and body) did nothing for me, but worse, she was boring. She even used the word "bored" and "boring" several times when telling me about herself and her life. No, lady, I do not want to come have casual sex with you by the pool because you're bored. I guess I shouldn't expect more from a sex-dating site. I don't think I'll renew.

I'm sure the best thing to do right now is to put my focus elsewhere, stop obsessing over the love and sex I don't have, be glad for the love and sex I do. I knew opening my marriage would change my life, and it has, but not in the way I'd expected. A year and a half of searching, and it's pushed me to be more open, more outgoing, more honest, and more willing to act upon my instincts. It's exhausting, though, and I have to remind myself often to focus on other things. So I'm off to do other things. Just one last peek at AFF first...
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