Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-04-2015, 06:43 AM
Polysnow Polysnow is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 93
Default Out of the ashes

Decided I wanted a blog thread instead of continuously posting in the first thread I started.

A Big Mess... Is the introductory thread. Details suck. Feel free to ask for clarification.

--

First off, I'm 28 years old and a female. Started my poly relationship (though you could argue I'm a mono) with my partner in non-ideal circumstances. Still not sure how things will pan out, but hey, maybe my story can help someone out there some where, because quite frankly, in the present moment, I've never felt more alone. But hey, we shall see...

--

I finally shipped out today and arrived in a whole new state. L brought me to pick up my rental car and we held each other for a good half hour.

It was a rough week. His health condition brought all new cards to the table. I'm not even sure we know what all those cards are just yet. L's wife seems to be more open, but I'm not sure.

At the present moment, I'm glad for the separation. I'm gone for 20 days. I told L I would come back the second weekend for our days togethers, but now I'm not sure I can do that.

Ironically, with all the circumstances, this will be the longest time he and I have not had physical contact. I don't mean just sex, I mean hugging, or just seeing each other in general. I'm in the "holy shit" I'm in a new environment phase right now, so every emotion I'm feeling at the moment is magnified by a factor of 100.

As scared as I am of various things, this was what needed to happen. I needed to step away from everything going on in my home state. There is literally too much going on to the point where I felt I couldn't escape. Family issues, parental issues, and career issues that just crowd in and drown out any sense of peace. At least in my current location, not a damn soul knows who I am and what my history is. I'm invisible, anonymous, and people only know me as the trainer who really knows what the hell she is doing with the computer systems.

I saw the new facility tonight. My heart was racing, jumping for joy. It is AMAZING. I cannot wait to get even closer tomorrow.

I hope my NRE just dissipates or at least clears up to the point where I don't feel like I'm drowning in my emotions. I am so grateful no one close to me can be close to me at the moment. I feel like I'm detoxing.

I wrote out some lessons poly has taught me over the past year and it was over 6,000 words long. I should probably post some of them, but right now they have too many personal details in them that I don't feel comfortable posting online.

Despite everything that has happened, the growth has been phenomenal. This HAD to happen in my life. I realized I've spent the past 10 years plowing through life and let -a lot- of toxic situations fester. This whole deal has forced me to confront them. I'll always be eternally grateful for that. The pain has been...awful. But I'm going to be so much wiser for the future and for my son.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-05-2015, 11:24 AM
Polysnow Polysnow is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 93
Default

Today was a good, crazy day. I got to learn a whole new system at work and I was quick to pick it up. I met at least 50 new people today (no, not an exaggeration). I'm tired, I'm burnt out, but I'm also filled with a new energy. I love new environments and I love meeting new people, so I'm in my element.

Called L out on breaking his tiny promises. I need a good night and good morning email. It could literally just be those two words, but they reassure me. And ever since the health scare, they mean a lot to me. It's an anxiety thing and something I'm actually trying to move away from. But since the scare...yeah I'm sensitive. He's been a bit lax.

Normally when he misses, I don't say anything, but today, I finally calmly told him it -really- bothers me when he can't keep those small gestures. He promised me an email updating me about his appointment with the doc for follow up. 12 hours later, after he promised, I still hadn't gotten one and had to go to work worrying. Again, I know this is a flaw, but really, is it so hard to send an email/text that says "Hey, all is well, will follow up later" or "Busy today, can't follow up now, but I'm ok for now, enjoy work"? So I ruminated. Finally snapped myself out of it and realized I can't keep this to myself. It's a small need that I think is reasonable. So I calmly told him via another email that that stuff really effects me, please knock it off with the misses.

He apologized. I feel better. He even sent me a good morning email early. I thanked him. I made my day.

Funny how the littlest gestures make the biggest difference?

Anyway, another day gone by. This night shifter is going to sleep.
__________________
Out of the Ashes
My blog.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-05-2015, 10:53 PM
Polysnow Polysnow is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 93
Default

God the power of love..

Your feet are lighter..
Your heart flutters as if to sing..
The air is sweet..
The world is beautiful..
The colors are vibrant..
__________________
Out of the Ashes
My blog.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-06-2015, 07:18 PM
Polysnow Polysnow is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 93
Default

Think I discovered a new passion at work. Automation. I love working with bots. And I love the people up here. Wonder if I should come home at all some times. Yes, in this short period of time. But I'm going to roll with it. I'm ready to go with any positive at this time. I got another 3 weeks to really know it, so I'm ready to run.

Too tired to really talk about anything new.
__________________
Out of the Ashes
My blog.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-06-2015, 09:59 PM
Polysnow Polysnow is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 93
Default

The more I read on here, the more I realize I AM telling myself stories and I'm also concentrating too much on the negative. Is it a really bad thing that the relationship between L and I might not blossom into what I fantasize about or even come to an end? I don't want it to end, obviously. I do love him very much. But if I concentrate so much on what can go wrong, is it a wonder I struggle so much?

That seems to be a trend in my over all life though. I'm so busy "keeping my guard up" all the time, I don't enjoy the things around me nearly as much as I could.

I spend too much time analyzing why I over analyze

Such is life.
__________________
Out of the Ashes
My blog.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-07-2015, 05:46 PM
New2This3's Avatar
New2This3 New2This3 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 42
Default Ditto

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polysnow View Post
The more I read on here, the more I realize I AM telling myself stories and I'm also concentrating too much on the negative. Is it a really bad thing that the relationship between L and I might not blossom into what I fantasize about or even come to an end? I don't want it to end, obviously. I do love him very much. But if I concentrate so much on what can go wrong, is it a wonder I struggle so much?

That seems to be a trend in my over all life though. I'm so busy "keeping my guard up" all the time, I don't enjoy the things around me nearly as much as I could.

I spend too much time analyzing why I over analyze

Such is life.
I could have written this myself! I definitely can relate. I tend to spend way too much time overthinking and over analyzing everything.....

::raises a glass:: here's to winding down for a bit....
__________________
Me: F, 30, bi-curious, poly-curious
Stone: M, 31, straight, mono (poly-curious) ex-husband
Kiwi: F, 34, bi-curious, mono (Stone's oso, no contact since 7-16-16)
Ocean: M, 34, straight, mono (Kiwi's husband, my crush, no contact since 8-30-16)
Flame: M, 31, straight, mono, (FWB)
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-08-2015, 10:51 PM
Polysnow Polysnow is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 93
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by New2This3 View Post
I could have written this myself! I definitely can relate. I tend to spend way too much time overthinking and over analyzing everything.....

::raises a glass:: here's to winding down for a bit....
Right back at ya dear
__________________
Out of the Ashes
My blog.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-08-2015, 11:05 PM
Polysnow Polysnow is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 93
Default

One thing I've been really working on is my clinginess.

I've become very clingy over the years. I didn't even realize it. And realizing I AM clingy is painful.

I see that as weak. I'm afraid of being seen as weak.

But that is faulty thinking. We all have weaknesses and this happens to be mine. And I can change it. One of the goals during my "deployment" is simple self observance. What am I thinking, feeling, what are my preferences? Being mindful at work has already taught me a ton of things that I've never noticed.

I love serving people. I love meeting people. I love speaking in front of large groups. I LOVE technology. I love training. I love learning new things. And I like to dig. I don't like just knowing the basics, I love to know the nitty gritty. I also realize I'm not necessarily a team player. I like being in charge of my own work and going at my own pace. I hate being "held back."

I also catch myself seeking validation and acceptance a lot.

I've been writing/noting these things. I really don't think I "know" myself as much as I would like to think. I am happy to say though, the more I get to know myself, the more I appreciate myself. I'm starting to make tiny adjustments in some of things I do so I can further accommodate myself. It's making a big difference.

I'm also making myself take better care of myself. I let myself sleep a little more, drink more water, eat more fruit...etc. Small things, and I'm telling you the difference its made in 1 week is remarkable.

I read somewhere on the forum (or was it an article?) that you shouldn't invest more time in the relationship then the other party. That's a bit cut and dry for a statement, but it's said in context.

L isn't like me. He doesn't need constant contact by email or messages, and he's a man a few words unless it comes to certain subjects. I, on the other hand, love constant attention. It's part of being clingy (and I'm working on that), but it's also part of my personality. I love shooting the shit with people. And I also like to listen to people talk about themselves and yes, I like to talk about myself. lol.

Anyway, I've cut back on sending long winded emails or stressing out if I don't send him an email every day or what not. I also have stopped the expectation that he's going to reciprocate with the same level of attention. It actually ISN'T necessary for me. It's just an illusion in my mind.

I've spread this out to other part's of my life. It's slowly getting easier to be alone. I've spent the whole day alone today and I actually really enjoyed it. I walked 4 miles, swam, and spent time in the hotel's hot tub (oh fuck yeah!) and I'm about to settle down to read. I'm currently reading Guardians of Ga'hoole - book 2. I'm going to re-read the Eragon series and then after that, I have no idea. I've read the hell out of my Kindle library.

I'm really trying to let go of my fear of L leaving me. It's actually starting to work. The idea of our relationship ending scares me a little less every day. I'm already at the point where I could move on without crumbling (as in slip into a deep depression) if he were end things now. But I want to be beyond even that. I want to be a healthy, secure person. This is the one of the things I'm measuring my progress by. I'm dwelling less and less on the what if's every day.

I find that giving myself time to ruminate though also helps. If I fight myself, I might ruminate all day.

While in the pool, I caught myself stressing, so I let the thoughts flow. I think a little less than 20 minutes later, I was thinking a lot about the fried chicken place across the street and how much I wanted fried chicken lol.

So, progress.

I'm very happy at my job site. It's tempting not to leave at all.
__________________
Out of the Ashes
My blog.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-09-2015, 09:11 AM
Polysnow Polysnow is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 93
Default

His health issue is "flaring" and of course, I feel the familiar "OH MY GOD LET ME BE NEAR YOU" response.

Fact of the matter is, even if we were in the greatest of relationships, I'm 4-5 hours away and limited funds.

Working on keeping my heart rate down and not focusing on the negative. I'm terrified he's going to end up in the hospital again. GRRR! The home front has not been my friend lately.

Why can't things be simple?! But they are right? Nothing I can do but pray.

I'm so sick of anxiety. Seriously. So SICK of it. But I'll feel better once I settle down a bit. Like I said, all this maturing takes time. I'll learn to work through all of this.
__________________
Out of the Ashes
My blog.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-09-2015, 09:06 PM
icesong icesong is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 287
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polysnow View Post
I read somewhere on the forum (or was it an article?) that you shouldn't invest more time in the relationship then the other party. That's a bit cut and dry for a statement, but it's said in context.

L isn't like me. He doesn't need constant contact by email or messages, and he's a man a few words unless it comes to certain subjects. I, on the other hand, love constant attention. It's part of being clingy (and I'm working on that), but it's also part of my personality. I love shooting the shit with people. And I also like to listen to people talk about themselves and yes, I like to talk about myself. lol.

Anyway, I've cut back on sending long winded emails or stressing out if I don't send him an email every day or what not. I also have stopped the expectation that he's going to reciprocate with the same level of attention. It actually ISN'T necessary for me. It's just an illusion in my mind.
I so very much have this problem too, as I've alluded to in various threads on here. For me the desire for attention / communication is an attempt to stay connected; not seeing my partners every day I haven't figured out how else to maintain intimacy. I don't know whether that's me being clingy or not, I've had people tell me it is but....
__________________
35/bi/F, married to TheKnight (together 18 years)
Dating AnotherArtist (1 year)

Other Dramatis Personae are detailed in my blog.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:53 AM.