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  #21  
Old 02-24-2011, 04:58 PM
PLove PLove is offline
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Thanks, Black Unicorn. I guess I'm really feeling unsure about things and trying to make sure that I'm being open, but also watching my own feelings. I don't want to do this just because it's what the two of them want. It's not easy, that's for sure!
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  #22  
Old 02-24-2011, 05:09 PM
true2self true2self is offline
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PLove thank you for your update it helps me understand my wife better. For me that fact that you love your man enought to just meet her and try to understand even if you say I can't do this in the end is PRICELESS. I too am very sorry for the affair and sneaking around behind my wifes back all that time but like its stated in the book Sex at Dawn most cheater still love there mates. Not a excuse to justify bad actions just some information. I pray that everyday this path gets better and better for you all.

Also I love all of you for helping us all that are in this situation. Just needed to say that.
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  #23  
Old 02-24-2011, 05:17 PM
PLove PLove is offline
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True2Self--I will say that the fact that we are all being open and honest now is a HUGE factor for me in this. I've told both my husband and his girlfriend that honesty and openness is the most important thing to me right now and any signs of things going on behind my back are going to make me close right up and feel like this is never going to work.

The one thing I've become very clear about is that I don't want or need lies in my life. I expend too much energy on trying to uncover what's going on, feeling bad about myself, etc. and that's just not how I want to live. I can deal with just about anything if I know the truth.

I also feel like this is something where I have the right to make a choice. If I want to open up my relationship, then that's fine. But cheating is just a way of opening up a relationship without the knowledge of both parties and that's really disrespectful and unfair.
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  #24  
Old 02-24-2011, 09:29 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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PLove, it is good to read how you are taking care of yourself while still considering such a new (and very likely shocking) possible stage in your relationship. I agree that everything going forward must be transparent and out in the open for any of it to work.

You may want to read the blogs section and look for TruckerPete's story. Also search for posts by Vodkafan. I think both members' perspectives might inspire and inform you.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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  #25  
Old 02-25-2011, 01:28 AM
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Hades36 Hades36 is offline
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Ah, my dear wife. She just told me about this post and I had to laugh. Always several steps ahead of me. Anyways, let me clarify...me and the gf never actually had sex in any form, but our connection and interactions were still romantic. My wife's willingness to meet with the other woman and the fact that they like each other, has me feeling really good and even more deeply in love with my wife than I was before. She is an amazing woman.
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  #26  
Old 02-25-2011, 02:07 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hi again, Hades. Sorry about the misunderstanding re the GF. When you wrote that you "kept it secret, cheated for a while," I made an assumption that it was sexual. Well, perhaps "emotional cheating" could be somewhat less difficult to deal with and heal from.

Just want to say that it's obvious both of you love each other and will do what you can to avoid needlessly hurting the other.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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  #27  
Old 02-25-2011, 04:03 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hades36 View Post
but how do you let go of someone that you truly are in love with? Its such a tragic irony: having the other woman in my life will destroy my marriage, not having her in my life may destroy me.
Generally, amidst great resentment and pain. ;(

Quote:
Originally Posted by PLove View Post
Any advice you can offer to me is greatly appreciated!
Welcome to the board. You have a huge heart. You deserve a gentle welcome.

I was the cheater.
My husband Maca was the one more in your shoes (except he's absolutely straight and I cheated with a man).

Our situation was much more horrible than what you (and your husband) have described.(not saying yours isn't very very painful, just admitting I was much more of a screw up than your husband appears to have been). But, somehow, we managed to get through most of it. It's taken 18 months to find a reasonable balance, but we have.

If you have ANY questions or need suggestions or help understanding something, please, feel free to PM me (either of you, or both together better yet).
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