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  #11  
Old 02-21-2011, 12:48 AM
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Is this other woman someone you fell in love with due to just knowing her and having social interactions with her, or did you cheat on your wife and have sex with this woman? It is unclear how and when you fell in love, unless I missed something here. Certainly, the circumstances could affect how your wife feels toward the whole thing.

I think it might behoove you to talk with her about it again and ask for specifics: What is she afraid of? What is love to her? Can she ever see new possibilities for growing in love with you? What made her consider meeting the woman in the first place, and then what happened to change her mind?

You can only benefit from getting clarity on everything. Both of you.

Edit: Sorry, I re-read your first post and see that you did cheat. Ah, well, yes, she has to deal with feeling betrayed and you have to deal with being the betrayer. That's probably the place to start in examining what's going on between you. Let go of the other woman for now and look at the cheating. At least, that's my take on it. You need to repair the relationship with your wife before moving forward with anyone else. And you might find that it's only lust with the other woman and not love. Who knows.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-21-2011 at 12:53 AM.
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  #12  
Old 02-21-2011, 01:13 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hades36 View Post
WTF?! How did this even happen? How does one fall in love with a second person? I mean, how do people stop themselves from falling in love with other people besides their primary? Do people choose who they love or is it that I made the mistake of feeding the emotion?
I spent the first 5 months of my poly"ness" going through a lot of pain about my ability to fall in love with more than 1. I was in a non-mongamous relationship already, so most of the stuff attached to poly I already had down. Falling in love with someone else was the part that kicked my ass.

How do you stop yourself from falling love with anyone? No idea. But I imagine it would have to include removing yourself from human interaction..

You can't choose who you love but you can make sure you act accordingly. You are in a monogamous relationship. You are going to be kind of limited unless you figure out a way to open up.

Best of luck.
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  #13  
Old 02-21-2011, 01:38 AM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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Quite a pickle, my friend. NYC is right on the money. all you can do at this point is repair your marriage bit by bit, day by day. Forgive yourself first. You are human and therefor bound to fuck up from time to time. Apologize with sincerity for the hurt your actions have caused, not for who you are or what you believe. Let the love happen as it will. Best of luck to you
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  #14  
Old 02-21-2011, 06:28 AM
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I'm so sorry you are in pain. I can empathize with what you are going through. For me it took talking and talking and crying and fighting and being numb and unable to move some days for fear that my world would come crashing down. Well, it hasn't and I indeed found that working on myself and my relationship was a better idea than pursuing more love relationships. That doesn't mean that it won't come up again, but each step is, well a step to something. That is all you can do.

I agree that getting to the bottom of why she decided to "not allow it" would be helpful. what do you have to lose by asking some hard questions? not much at this point, you are already talking honestly and openly, might as well continue with that no?

It is possible that what I mentioned in my last post is what is going on for her. Sometimes there is a delayed reaction to someone confessing that they have done something that is hurtful. Give it time. After some time has passed and if nothing moves, then I would be concerned. It's all still so new to her.
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  #15  
Old 02-23-2011, 05:42 PM
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First of all let me be clear that I am not judging you in any way with any of my comments. They are just observations from a viewpoint....mine.

Asking someone to consider a concept when there is no emotional involvement on their part, in a calm, quiet, detached and friendly spirit of "Let's explore this together" is one thing.
Asking them to explore that same concept when they are bleeding, hurt and angry is a whole nother thing.
Homo sapiens, being the sort of creature that we are, tend to strike back when hurt by someone. Not saying that reaction is right, just saying that is the reaction to expect.

Asking someone to put aside a lifetime of learning and belief systems is stretching the relationship at the best of times. I cannot speak for anyone else but I know my travel down the Poly path began very slowly and it took me quite a while to digest the info at the various stages before it all made sense to me. Think in terms of years before I was/am comfortable enough to feel secure and confident in the Poly lifestyle.

Asking that same person to put aside that same lifetime of learning and belief systems after you have just figuratively stuck a knife in their chest is going to have some predictable outcomes. None of which, I suspect, are calm, quiet acceptance and embracing the concept.

You have some very difficult choices to make here made even more difficult by the plethora of inputs coming at you. Your own, your wife, your g/f, society at large, the list goes on for a while. Open honest communication combined with patience is the only cure imho.
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  #16  
Old 02-24-2011, 02:19 PM
true2self true2self is offline
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Default You are blessed

I did the same as you but my wife doesn't want to meet the other love in my life and is come back to a mono marriage or divorce. I feel you are blessed
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  #17  
Old 02-24-2011, 04:15 PM
PLove PLove is offline
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I'm the wife in question and since Hades posted, I've met with his girlfriend and have begun considering how this could work for us. I will say that the fact that they were cheating and that I discovered this not once, but twice, has definitely impacted my trust levels--with both of them. I'm trying to be open to the idea of all of this, but at the same time, I'm a little worried that I'm being manipulated into something. I'm definitely keeping an eye on the energy and connections going on.

This is a big change for me and is challenging all of my beliefs about relationships. I find that to the extent that I'm included in the relationship between Hades and his new love, I'm feeling relatively comfortable. But the idea of them having a relationship that's separate from me right now is very painful.

I'm trying to to maneuver this strange new path in front of me and to be open to expanding my notions of love and connection. I'm hoping that this will be a place where I can get support for that, as I know this is not an easy path we're choosing. And the fact that it started with Hades and his love cheating is definitely not a positive start. But I also like his girlfriend, and this is part of what is making me more open to the idea.

Any advice you can offer to me is greatly appreciated!

Last edited by PLove; 02-24-2011 at 04:35 PM.
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  #18  
Old 02-24-2011, 04:35 PM
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Hi and welcome!

First of all, I think it's incredibly brave what you are doing.

And then to a few clarifying questions:

Do you consider yourself bisexual? Are you attracted to this woman? If you feel at your comfiest when included, you might have a possible triad situation in your hands.
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  #19  
Old 02-24-2011, 04:41 PM
PLove PLove is offline
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Although I've been turned on by the idea of a woman and have always enjoyed lesbian porn, I have never actually been with a woman or found myself super-attracted. That said, I was definitely drawn to this woman and could at least imagine having some kind of physical relationship, although I really won't know until I actually try it how I would feel. At this point I'm just trying to be open to it.

Honestly, I'm not sure how this would actually work. I feel like I'm in the very tentative opening stages of trying this out.
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  #20  
Old 02-24-2011, 04:55 PM
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I think you are having a very healthy attitude. I'm in a similar situation (at the tentative stages of dating a couple, although no previous history with either one of them), and had the most fabulous advice from redpepper my very first days on the forum - try to have as little expectations as possible. People are people and situations will most often evolve in most unexpected ways.

Welcome!
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