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  #31  
Old 04-18-2014, 02:31 PM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default Blackness

When I turned down Cinderís desire for reconciliation, I must have hurt her deeply. Rejection is for Cinder one of her biggest fears from a partner. She opens herself to the world, and when things donít go as she expects or wants, especially in love it would crush her. So I can only imagine what my refusal to enter back into a marriage was like for her. I just couldnít do it, wasnít ready. I needed time and space to even consider, and after what I had found out about her personality and deceptions I just couldnít do it. There was a hard boundary inside of myself, I guess it was my self-preservation instinct kicking in.

It was an intense time, 3 months into separation. We were both seeing other people still. I had continued to see Chi, and didnít stop, it was so casual. She knew everything that was going on. Cinder would occasionally text her, but mostly Chi would just ignore it, she thought Cinder was crazy. I was in contact with Raven, and her perspective helped a lot, after being the brunt of so much of Cinderís animosity. Cinder curbed Art as soon as we talked reconciliation, and then picked him up again immediately after I turned her down. I felt sorry for him, to be used like that . But I just let it go. It was their relationship.

I redoubled my efforts on the cabin. I was determined to complete it as a monument to perseverance. I even had some good luck and stability, renting another cabin across the street for ten months so as to be close to the project and work on it every spare moment. I could see it every day as I walked out my door to go to work. It was pretty sweet, or so I thought. I had just finished a lovely timber frame entryway to the cabin, and it was really taking shape. I was using the reno funds diligently, and knew that I would have to trade Cinder considerations in our life together to maintain ownership of it. I had kept the reno monies in a joint account in good faith for 3 months, and had records and receipts to back up my expenses. Cinder seemed honorable, and we had talked about me finishing the cabin and living in it. I thought even if we couldnít be together we could be friends and work something else. Unfortunately Cinder had other plans.

I had just moved into the little cabin across the street from our little cabin and was making great headway. I felt for the first time in months a purpose and a light at the end. Cinder and I were talking, and I felt like there was an understanding. Then, calamity. First Cinder instructed me that she didnít feel right about me finishing the cabin, that she wanted to sell it. Then she took all the reno money out of our joint account. In one fell swoop she had taken control. A coup dítat. It felt like she had cut my heart from my chest. My head from my body. In that day I was destroyed, and I died a living death. My dream died right in front of my eyes. And I had to live across the street from it for the next ten months. I lost my mind. I had a nervous breakdown. I called her a lot of names, and said things out of hurt and anguish. I told her she was killing me. Then I went looking for her. I went to her business, to her home. I held out a belief that if we could just talk we could work it out. I ended up at her parents, in complete desperation. I talked to her mom, who calmly told me I should just settle with her. Unbeknownst to me at the time it was her mom who encouraged this course of action. Thanks Mom! Her family was like that. I was only a part of it as long as I was useful to them it seemed. They closed ranks pretty quick. She did calm me down though, and I went home, in shock. I was devastated.

I returned home to calm down. It was a bad time, only it was about to get worse. Much worse. I was home for about an hour when there was a knock on my door. I went to answer it, opened the door to find three Police officers, hands on their guns in tactical positions, telling me to come out of the building and talk to them. I could see from the looks in their eyes they were not fucking around. I asked them what this was about, and they said I had made threats to my wife and her family, and was a danger to myself and others. Cinder had told them that I was a martial arts expert, violent, and had unregistered firearms in my possession, so they sent the Diesel takedown team. I invited them in and kept my hands up. This was a dangerous situation. They came in and searched my place, then informed me they were taking me in on a mental health apprehension. They cuffed me and marched my down the street and put me in the police truck. I remember seeing my neighbors watching me get paraded down the street.

It was humiliating. It was true I did have a Black belt in jujitsu, but I was not violent and did not have guns in my possession. This was just more maneuvering by Cinder to put me in the hole. Control. Manipulation of the truth to suit her needs. She now had everything, the money, the homes. She had everything except me, although she had me where she wanted me, reeling and fucked up. She had taken everything again. I had nothing. Once I explained the situation I was let go. The Police where kind of pissed, they felt they had been played. I checked out, and got dropped back at home. I called my lawyer.

I had retained a lawyer a month before, just as a council for the process, and because I didnít trust Cinder. I didnít want a lawyer war, but needed legal advice and thought it was a prudent move. In no way did I ever unleash him as an attack dog on Cinder. I was confident we could hash out a settlement and find common ground, even in separation. Unfortunately, Cinder didnít have the same kind regard. On the same day she took the money and the cabin, she had a lawyer attack me and lay out her legal strategy. She denied everything I had done and paid into our life together. White was black and black was white. It was trench warfare. She would reject every claim I had to anything we had built together. The lies that came from her lawyer where mind boggling. I couldnít believe I was being treated this way.

But I could believe it. I knew Cinder. This was her payback for my initial rejection of reconciliation. This was her taking control of the situation. If I wasnít going to toe the line and get back together, I was going to be annihilated. This was scorched earth. The things her lawyer said about me and the claims she made about our life together ripped my heart and soul apart. I fell into the abyss of despair.

Blackness
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  #32  
Old 04-19-2014, 03:27 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Hi, Elemental. I'm glad you're continuing to post. Your story is worth hearing, although it's wrenching even to read.

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Whatsup Whathappend? Thanks for your post, yeah he will have to open his eyes, or have them opened. Or maybe he will just bury his head and let her control him, some people go for that. It takes inner strength to open your eyes to an abusive relationship. I hate that concept that people are toys, distractions to the primary relationship, the veto. Of course every dynamic is different, and emotions swing all over the place. I just really dislike that kind of person and will be staying well away from them in the future, I'm pretty tuned in now :P Glad you got out before the drama hit the fan, that's some good self preservation right there... Newbies take note!
For better or worse, I did get involved in a recent discussion with him (read: day of drama) in which I pointed out the disrespectful things she's said and done. His only response was that I don't understand anything. It is true I don't understand people denying black and white words and actions, and claiming there's no man behind the curtain.

I truly believe that he is able to somehow compartmentalize in some way, such that he feels the force of his emotions for me should have been enough to overcome the evidence of his actions. As I try to understand what happened, I think that he has lived in the world of open marriage for so long, that he really couldn't see how his behavior was showing me I was second, and he really couldn't even see why I should object to being second because...."You knew! You knew I was never going to marry you." And yet, he objected to me ever saying I felt second, and in fact, pulled the 'I'm hurt you could even think that of me!' routine. A juxtaposition of facts, feelings, emotions, expecting me to accept that I wasn't and never would be his priority, and yet never notice it or feel it.

I truly believe that he still sees his wife as the 22 year old he married, not the 48 year old she has become. He seems incapable of comprehending that she could feel threatened by his obvious love for me, and incapable of comprehending that yes, she might make things difficult out of that fear.

He says there will never be another girlfriend, so it's beside the point. I say she's got him where she wants him, then, and eventually, I can't imagine he's going to be happy watching her date and have a long-term girlfriend while he can no longer see it for himself and does everything alone; or, he's going to meet someone new and history will repeat itself.


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I think the most flattering thing you could possibly say to someone here is that their experiences change the way you are functioning in your own relationships. If that's the case, then I can definitely say that to you.
My wife and I love Freckles .

... There's no problem so insurmountable that anyone should have the power to destroy someone else's life as they know it.
This is exactly the sort of thing that makes me glad Elemental is taking the time to tell his story. I'll be honest, I see very few situations where poly really works well, and you highlighted it. In so many cases, there is a continual, distinct lack of equal footing. It's exactly why I'm done with BF. He's broken-hearted and crushed, but unwilling to admit, much less fix, the problems.
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  #33  
Old 04-19-2014, 08:57 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Elemental, reading your story makes me so sad. It is good to know that you are free from that situation and are getting on with your life. I wish you every happiness in however you choose to live from now onward.

Quote:
I'll be honest, I see very few situations where poly really works well, and you highlighted it. In so many cases, there is a continual, distinct lack of equal footing. It's exactly why I'm done with BF.
Me too, sadly.

I have more to say on this subject but I'll move it onto my own blog. No need to clog up your's, Elemental.

Best wishes for the future and thanks again for writing.

IP
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  #34  
Old 04-19-2014, 03:46 PM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default It's sad but...

Sure its been a tough slog, and bad shit has happened. But I want to emphasise the good that can come out of situations like this. Opportunities to know oneself better. Deconstructing dysfunction. Finding out the mettle of ones character. A lot of good has come out of this, as my story will show. It's just at it's lowest point. I want my story to be a success story, and it is, and will be. I read blogs like Idealist and think " that's what I am going to create"
and I know that people like her are out there. I have made a lot of mistakes and relish the opportunity to learn and grow from them. For me, that is what this is all about. And to connect with a community and find people who relate to the ways I do and want to do Poly. Because there are all kinds of ways to live a life well
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  #35  
Old 04-20-2014, 05:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elemental View Post
Sure its been a tough slog, and bad shit has happened. But I want to emphasise the good that can come out of situations like this. Opportunities to know oneself better. Deconstructing dysfunction. Finding out the mettle of ones character. A lot of good has come out of this, as my story will show. It's just at it's lowest point. I want my story to be a success story, and it is, and will be. I read blogs like Idealist and think " that's what I am going to create"
and I know that people like her are out there. I have made a lot of mistakes and relish the opportunity to learn and grow from them. For me, that is what this is all about. And to connect with a community and find people who relate to the ways I do and want to do Poly. Because there are all kinds of ways to live a life well
Love this, and fully agree. A friend of mine, after hearing my fears and rants about the recent upheaval in my own relationship, asked me if I "still want to do poly". I just said poly wasn't the issue, and it isn't. Never even crossed my mind to demand monogamy again. It's the lessons I'm interested in and open to.
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  #36  
Old 04-22-2014, 04:15 AM
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I can't really comprehend what this second side of the story has shaped it into. It is mind boggling. I am truly sorry that you had to live through this and am happy to hear that things got better for you lastly.

Thanks for sharing.
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  #37  
Old 04-26-2014, 02:45 AM
elemental elemental is offline
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Phy - yeah I can't either. I had to take a break from posting because I was filled with the living dread of the memories. All the memories. But, I am strong, and resilient. I can bend. It's hard when someone seems so hell bent on complete domination. By any means necessary, apparently.

I was walking today, with Tomo, after work. Spring has sprung. The new season has brought the cherry blossoms out, pink and bursting with the promise of something new, fresh, clean. A new beginning after a cycle of darkness and decay. Rebirth. Growing. Changing. A lot of promise in the new season, the light, the warmth. I wonder what will grow out of this, of what fruit will bear from these blossoms. I hope they won't be sour cherries.

Got a busy weekend planned. Just had a lovely overnight here with Chi, and Mz. Black is finally back in town and headed this way for a visit Saturday night Been txting with Crystal, going slowly but the intention has been made, looking forward to exploring a more kinkier side of myself. Granny is out, she has hunkered down with a dude she has been training with we are still friends. Been Chatting with Raven, who is good, although still in the grips of winter it seems lol.

And, like I need more dating potential, a dark horse. TallDoll, from OKC. Where the hell did she come from? Oh my... coffee date on Sunday.

Have a good weekend everybody! xo

Last edited by elemental; 04-26-2014 at 02:51 AM.
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  #38  
Old 04-26-2014, 03:12 PM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default picking up the peices

I was destroyed by Cinderís moves against me. How can someone who purports to be this being of light and love, of constantly striving to grow and change and be the best possible version of herself come at me like this, without dialogue, or warning, or even the slightest care or concern for my mental and emotional well being? Surely she would have known that this was going to ruin me, was that her intention? Maybe this was part of her grand shock therapy she had planned for me, turning the screw on the stress level to induce the desired response, make me come back into line. Break me down so I could be re-programed, the right way. Her way.

This has all brought me to the lowest point in my story. It is only up from here, gentle readers!!Yahhh!!

But before we go up, I wanted to talk about depression, and the hazards of being put through times like these. Certainly we are talking about first world problems here, and that was something I used to fall back on. When things got so crunchy that I felt like ďdoing somethingĒ I would remind myself of the basics; food clothing shelter. I had all three. By this time I had my dog tomo with me, having had him dropped off at my work one day by one of Cinderís employees with the caveat ďdo you want him or not?Ē. He has been my little rock throughout this, my love, and the reminder to look outside of myself for the simple pleasures in life. I have found a certain solace in his simple dog-ness. To be present in the moment and appreciate the sight and smell. Walking him every day as well got me out of the cabin, fresh air and perambulation, the rhythmic swinging of arms and legs. Proven therapy to get the good endorphins going. I didnít need a cognitive therapist or a life coach to tell me I was a good man being fucked over by someone who was not, at their core, who they pretended to be.

I have a history of substance abuse and self-harming, and these thing came up. But I was able to pick them up and put them down, without adding to my own misery. I have decided to stop trying to destroy myself over the worry of love or money. I had finally gained some perspective in my life.

I did question myself, and my decision. I had loved Cinder, and married her. Made vows to spend the rest of the days together. I thought back on our life together, of the beautiful life we had created. I would walk the shoreline, letting the feelings come and go. I questioned whether I could go back and we could make it work. I was in such dire straits financially that part of me was seriously urging the rest of me; take another look at this. I am diligent. I also know I can be stubborn and headstrong. Was I being too full of pride for my own good? Could I reconnect with Cinder? I know, I know, DONíT DO IT!!! But I am like that. I donít give up easily. I decided, against most common sense, to contact Cinder one more time. Own my shit, and see if there was anything there. Could we both forgive and forget? I had everything to lose, and if that was the way it was going to go I needed to be sure that this was my path. For my heart, my mind, my whole being. Unity on all fronts. This was to be my last attempt at any kind of relationship with Cinder. I wanted to reach out and touch her humanity, with humility and grace. Acceptance. To see who she really was, and know in the depth of my being, whether we could right these wrongs, from both sides. I wanted to see if she could see me as a human being, instead of some pseudo employee-husband-plaything-meatbag.

So, with great trepidation, I initiated contact.

One last time.
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  #39  
Old 04-29-2014, 05:27 AM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default rants and rage

I am amazed at where my life is at compared to a year ago. I never imagined I would be in this place. Change can be good, especially in the face of so much adversity. It can also be nerve wracking and stressful, with still so much uncertainty. But life keeps revealing itself, about myself, and those around me past and present. I never imagined that the woman I married, who I pledged my life to and dedicated my life energies to would have been capable of doing the things she did to me and our life together. I also have a hard time seeing some of the things I do, and did in the same light. The angry words. The harsh language. Being aggressive. Do these things cancel each other out? Does calling someone a cunt after they steal 26k out of a joint account constitute abuse? I have such a hard time reconciling the scales in which events happened. I can’t believe the huge love and life that cinder and I had shared has been reduced to an internet pissing match.

I have been so angry at being held hostage from my own life. At having every agreement changed at the last minute. Of being used like a pawn, degraded and lied too over and over and over. So sometimes I act out. Lash out. Fire. This weekend was one of those times. I messaged Cinders lovers/ partners with links to this blog, I thought maybe, just maybe, they would be interested in my story. I was angry as yet another deadline approaches and passes and still no resolution. Cinder as usual holds all the keys, the cards, the money. I have to be the patient boy, after being forced out of my own life. I wait and wait and wait… it is a long wait.

I find it funny that she won’t address the specific things that she has done to try and destroy my life. She makes vague references to mistakes and “ not being perfect”. The things she has done in our relationship have been cold and calculating, well thought out. Done with purpose. Done for effect. None of it has been happenstance. I do not find myself in this situation due to a series of unfortunate events. I am in this situation because someone decided to put me in these situations. Cinder made choices and acted on them, fully cognoscente of the possible outcomes. To pretend any different is a bold face deception and I am calling it.

Truth. We make our own version of it. This story has been mine, although all the events are factual, and not meant to be cloaked in flowery language. This shit happened to me. This shit is REAL. Not some chick flick fantasy novella about how wonderful my life is or how much fucking personal growth I’m doing. None of that can cover up or make up fucking someone over, willingly.

Consequences. The often unintended results of our actions that we have no control over. The net results of our choices. The undeniable mark left on lives after events that make us live the lives we have. We all have to live with the consequences of our actions, we should remember that and choose wisely.

I look forward to being released from the clutches of someone so callous and blind to the facts of what they have done, so deaf to the begging and pleadings for mercy, and so oblivious to the damage they have wrought on someone that they pledged to love and honour forever, only to turn around and thrown them on the scrap heap with as much care as tossing a bag of dog shit in the garbage.

Flame on.
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  #40  
Old 04-29-2014, 01:20 PM
elemental elemental is offline
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My weekend was pretty great. Had a lovely visit with Mz. Black, after not having seen her for over a month. Seems like that is who we will be to each other, long distance adult friends who have a solid deep connection. Friends who are physical, who sleep together. Itís a nice re-awakening for both of us, a reminder of the many shades of poly that are neither intense nor overly emotional. Pleasant. Kind and rejuvenating. We talk about our lives, and she is thrilled to see me gain some stability in my life. She knows my story and is dumbfounded by it. She has a good heart and councilís forgiveness and understanding with wisdom and grace. I speak to her of my recent struggles ( see last post lol) and she tells me to stop it, no good will come of it. For my own sake. I have to agree with her, and am moving in that direction. Sometimes I backslide into the anger and rage I feel, the injustice of all that has happened. Ultimately I have no control over what happened. I want to return to the place of acceptance and rise above these troubling emotions. I know I have to, but healing has to happen as well. Two steps forward and one back. I have been doing pretty good actually, and to have backslid into the rage and revenge mode for just a little bit is ok.

The re-emergence of Cinder on these boards was a trigger for sure, the deleting of her previous blog that detailed her side of what happened and then the recreation of a new improved, cleaner more sanitized version made my head pop off for a bit. I wonder why she deleted it if she had nothing to fear from the truth. Why change user names. Why create another layer of anonymity. I feel like it is her trying to bury the ugliness of what has happened, because she never addressed the things she perpetrated on me in her original blog. Letís just pretend that it never happened.

I talk to another dear friend who has been haunted by an abusive relationship. Her ex is like ďget over it alreadyĒ. My friend suffered horrible psychological abuse as well as physical violence. Itís like her ex wants to move on quickly from the uncomfortable truth of what she did, and doesnít want to have to deal with any consequences of her actions. In herself or in the community. My friend struggles with the burden of a broken heart and of being a victim, of having some who falsely pledged her everlasting love only to be turned on and cast off when things got bad. Better to start over so fresh and so clean than having to really accept responsibility for oneís actions. Right?

I had a nice coffee date with Talldoll on Sunday. We talked and laughed and related, a lot. She is pretty dynamic. I am starting to feel spread a little thin these day, so I donít think it wise to start up another dating scenario. Raven will be coming to visit sometime, and with Chi and Mz. Black in the mix I think I will just cap things from an intimate standpoint. I am not a people collector, and donít have any interest in pretending I have all these ďlife partnersĒ. Gawd that is the last thing on my mind. But friends, intimate friends, adult friends, who care for each other, are honest and open, have autonomy and who arenít interested in some kind of sycophantic co-dependant fantasy world? That sounds about right for me.
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