Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-07-2014, 11:02 PM
Betterbears Betterbears is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 3
Default New to this

My fiance and I recently became open to the idea of a poly amorous relationship after finding a couple online that were seeking a soft swap. We have met them face to face and contact them daily. At first, we were just on board with the soft swap, but then realized that we were kind of falling for them. We brought the idea of poly amory up to them and well, whaddaya know, they were also researching poly amory and were thinking the same things about us. We are all now on board with developing loving relationships with he person of the opposite sex in the fellow couple. I suppose I should tell you a little about how we came to be here at this junction. Ugh. After 4 years of being with my fiance, I cheated. Right after our 4 year anniversary to be exact. I was not happy with where we were and saw no future for us. This scared me and made me want to find something new that maybe held a future. Now, at this point I should probably also tell you that I'm Bi-polar. Some of you may not see the connection, but those of you who have a decent knowledge of the disease can see where this can be a very important detail. People who suffer from this disease CRAVE change. From something as simple as being absolutely entranced by a fire (since no flame is like another) to becoming unfaithful. Anyways, we started out with the idea of an open relationship (we say ORL) to protect him and to be honest, to let him get his number of people slept with up to an even bar with mine since mine had increased by one. We opened our relationship and both signed up for POF (Plenty of Fish). Right away I had suitors and he had nothing. Jealousy started to arise and I ended up deleting my acct. So did he. Not too much later, he was perusing CL (craigslist) and stumbled upon a couple that were looking for people to engage in a soft swap with. As I said, we've met them, talk to them daily, and are really having a lot of fun knowing and further getting to know them. I signed up for this site in hopes to avoid common mistakes when embarking on a poly type of life and also clear up any misconceptions. Both my fiance and I are incredibly loving people and want the absolute best for the other. I personally feel that it is not fair for one person to get all of my heart, and not fair for one person to get all of his. I want all of his needs to get met as well and I feel that I, being just one imperfect person, will fail at that due to practicalities. Does anyone think we are going too fast? Wrong choice all together?? Does anyone have any hope for us? Any advice?? Thank you in advance! Much love!

- Her
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-15-2014, 01:56 PM
Matylda Matylda is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 8
Default I don't have much to offer

...other than some understanding. I do hope someone jumps on this thread, because I 'm curious about other insights.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-17-2014, 01:31 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,294
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Betterbears View Post
Does anyone think we are going too fast? Wrong choice all together?? Does anyone have any hope for us? Any advice??
Hello and welcome! I'm going to cut/paste a bit to answer different parts -

Quote:
Originally Posted by Betterbears View Post
We brought the idea of poly amory up to them and well, whaddaya know, they were also researching poly amory and were thinking the same things about us. We are all now on board with developing loving relationships with he person of the opposite sex in the fellow couple.
...
As I said, we've met them, talk to them daily, and are really having a lot of fun knowing and further getting to know them. I signed up for this site in hopes to avoid common mistakes when embarking on a poly type of life and also clear up any misconceptions.
These parts sound really good. You communicated with them when you found out that you were developing feelings beyond "soft swing". You found out they were on the same page. Continue to communicate openly and honestly - that's the #1 BIG bit of advice.

#2 - Jealousy. You deleted your POF account because "jealousy ensued" (although it reads more like "envy" from my perspective). This is something that you all are going to need to work through. At this point, I know, it seems that everything lines up nicely - M1/F1 couple meets M2/F2 couple, opposite genders attract to form two additional couples M1/F2 and M2/F1 - easy, right?

Remember though, that each of those individuals and couples has their own work to do, baggage to claim, etc. NO two relationships ever proceed at exactly the same pace and trajectory. What if he and F2 get real close real fast and want to spend oodles of time together, while you and M2 get along ok but want more of a few-times-a-month thing down the road? What if one person has a more hectic schedule and isn't available all the time? Does that put a limit on how much time the others can spend together? etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Betterbears View Post
I was not happy with where we were and saw no future for us. This scared me and made me want to find something new that maybe held a future.
...
Anyways, we started out with the idea of an open relationship (we say ORL) to protect him and to be honest, to let him get his number of people slept with up to an even bar with mine since mine had increased by one.
These parts are a little concerning. Poly can be a very difficult road for some people. It tends to shine light in dark places in a relationship and reveal the cracks in the foundations. "Relationship broken, add more people." is basically a recipe for disaster.

If you both(all) want an open/poly relationship for your own reasons, then both(all) people have a good incentive to do the work (both internal and relationship-wise) to overcome the inevitable hurdles. Agreeing to open/poly for someone else is not a long-term solution (and may hasten the end of a failing relationship).

If the goal is to "get his numbers up" then there are easier ways than poly - take a trip to Nevada, find a clean brothel and go for it. This avoids "using" people, who are signing up for a "real" relationship, as sex toys. (Having said this, this may have been one of the original reasons for considering an open relationship - but, after reading up on possibilities, and gaining some experience - it may be that this is no longer a focus?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Betterbears View Post
Both my fiance and I are incredibly loving people and want the absolute best for the other. I personally feel that it is not fair for one person to get all of my heart, and not fair for one person to get all of his. I want all of his needs to get met as well and I feel that I, being just one imperfect person, will fail at that due to practicalities.
I think I see what you are getting at...

From MY perspective, it is IMPOSSIBLE for one person to be "all things" to one person - my mother can't be my sister and my best friend and my father and my aunt. Most (healthy) mono relationship don't demand that either - a person has other outlets for portions of their needs/wants. People can have hobbies that they don't share with their partner, friends that fulfill other functions, etc. And it's not like you are limited - just because you have one friend that you go to the bookstore with doesn't mean that you can't go to a bookstore with a different friend. They difference in poly is that romantic/sexual needs and wants can ALSO be shared with others.

"Not fair for one person to get all of my heart." Hmmm. I would turn it around to say, "It is possible for more than one person to have all of my heart." I didn't give half of my heart to MrS and reserve the other half for someone else. Love is not a limited commodity (although time and attention are) - I can love both of my boys with ALL of my heart.

I don't have much to add on the Bipolar front. MrS seems to have Bipolar Type II. When he was unmedicated he would make some REALLY STUPID decisions (for him) during hypomanic states, and get really depressed at other times. Bipolar is treatable but not curable - I would encourage you to find a really trusted doctor or therapist to be able to call when things get out of hand. (And educate your partner(s) to read the signs and keep you informed - oftentimes someone in a manic/hypomanic state feels GREAT ... and can do some really destructive things, to themselves and their relationships. A manic state is NOT a good time to make life-changing decisions - like opening a relationship, getting pregnant, buying a house, changing jobs, etc.)

Don't know if any of that was useful - but those are my initial thoughts on the info provided.

Good Luck!

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 09-17-2014 at 01:34 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:58 PM.