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  #21  
Old 03-12-2014, 08:51 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Or-maybe she didn't tell him she was fine. Maybe that was HIS choice to say she was fine.
Good point. Chops (in the slightly more distant past) often misunderstood where I was coming from, or what I meant. Sometimes, this meant he relayed stuff incorrectly, and it led to more confusion until he, Xena, and I could all get together to iron it out face-to-face.

If she's not telling the two of you different things, MsC, he may have that problem, OR he may be trying to minimize conflict by purposely downplaying her feelings.

MsChristy, have all three of you sat down to talk about this? Even if you have to do it over Skype?

In other news, I'm cynical, feeling fat, and grouchy about work-related stuff today, which tends to turn off (or dim) my "try to see the best in people" switch. Oopsie. I shall go growl and snarl elsewhere... The drooling is free.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 03-12-2014 at 08:53 PM. Reason: Sentences. I love adding them.
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  #22  
Old 03-13-2014, 02:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
Hmm. That's interesting. Almost everyone I know in the fet world associate play with sexual activities
Well, not everyone on this board is part of the "fet world." And euphemisms can be misconstrued.
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  #23  
Old 03-13-2014, 02:53 AM
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OP, to me she sounds very passive aggressive. I don't know what to tell you other than there is really nothing you can do to make it better for her. It is up to him and her to work on the issues they have. I pretty much agree with what Marcus said, but I can understand your not wanting to rub salt in her wounds by continuing.

She agreed to poly, therefore consented, but it seems her issues are more about insecurities and lack of self-esteem. Your bf knows what she told you? Then it's on him.
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  #24  
Old 03-13-2014, 03:23 AM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Well, not yone on this board is part of the "fet world." And euphemisms can be misconstrued.
Yes yes I imagine so.
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  #25  
Old 03-13-2014, 03:50 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, not everyone on this board is part of the "fet world." And euphemisms can be misconstrued.
I've been a part of the BDSM world for over two decades, inclusing FetLife and FroliCon. As I've understood it, play doesn't always include sex. Fire-play, Edge-play, Blade-play, Needle-play...none of these have to include sex. In fact, that's kind of the point. These things are fetishized to the point that you get your kicks without sex. They're just that good.
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  #26  
Old 03-13-2014, 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Personally; I keep coming back to "don't fuck fragile" and FOR ME that includes someone who is entangled with fragile.

I would point blank step back and tell him I am not up to the upkeep required in having a relationship with someone (even if I do love them) that is in relationships I feel are dangerously unhealthy.

It's not about her to me. It's about HIM.
He is in a relationship with someone who he says is "fine" when she clearly isn't.
That to me is a red flag. Far beyond my willingness to engage.

ESPECIALLY if the only way for you to visit him-is to be in her space.
Their space is also HIS space AND her space and I am unwilling to be in anyone's space if my presence creates discord for them. Regardless of who I am there to see.
Likewise; no one is allowed in my home that causes it to feel like I can't BE ME and comfortable in MY home.
So-if I were here, you wouldn't be there.

(which isn't to say that if I were me in that situation you wouldn't be there, because as a rule of thumb, I prefer metamours to be welcome in my home and we socialize as friends-but clearly-she doesn't feel that way)
Yeah, I am not sure I want to visit for a while. Or if I want to play at all with her home. I know he could probably visit in the next few weeks but I doubt that would make her any more comfortable. I have been considering not breaking up with him, but perhaps taking a break from our physical relationship.
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  #27  
Old 03-13-2014, 04:51 PM
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Good point. Chops (in the slightly more distant past) often misunderstood where I was coming from, or what I meant. Sometimes, this meant he relayed stuff incorrectly, and it led to more confusion until he, Xena, and I could all get together to iron it out face-to-face.

If she's not telling the two of you different things, MsC, he may have that problem, OR he may be trying to minimize conflict by purposely downplaying her feelings.
I have a feeling he has known some of how she has been feeling, maybe not the full degree, but at least more than me. I suspect that he did not want to worry me, and as long as she was trying, and wasn't wanting us to end our relationship he wasn't going to make a big deal out of it to me


Quote:
MsChristy, have all three of you sat down to talk about this? Even if you have to do it over Skype?
.
This is actually one thing she has mentioned is that the three of us (or four of us if you include my husband) have never sat down and talked. I would be willing too, I am not sure if if would help or if she would just be venting.
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  #28  
Old 03-13-2014, 05:30 PM
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Originally Posted by MsChristy View Post
This is actually one thing she has mentioned is that the three of us (or four of us if you include my husband) have never sat down and talked. I would be willing too, I am not sure if if would help or if she would just be venting.
I'd think this could be extremely helpful to all concerned. As someone who does get flooded with extreme emotions (including the momentary suicidal thoughts when things hit all of a sudden), regular communication helps. Knowing it's safe to talk about your emotional reactions and needs, even if it's at a later date, helps to lessen some of the extremes (at least for me). You may want to set a time limit and if there is more to discuss, set another date to discuss it (like you would with a therapist). That way, if someone is getting too upset about something or things get heated, etc. everyone has a chance to calm down and re-group.
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  #29  
Old 03-13-2014, 05:39 PM
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Sometimes venting is the first step towards making progress. Kind of like getting it all out there. It may be hard to sit through. I got caught up in NRE early on in my relationship with Wendigo, neglected Runic Wolf really bad and when things settled down and I was finally hearing him again, we'd gone past the point of no return in some areas. Runic Wolf didn't trust that I was really hearing him or that I wouldn't just ignore his needs again, so he started bottling things up to keep me happy. When I finally convinced him otherwise last fall, I had to sit through a couple of days worth of venting, and 4 years worth of perceived slights, things I'd said or done that had broken his trust inadvertently, how angry he still is about my NRE behavior, and how he'd held it all in because he loves me and wants me to be happy. The fact that I sat and let him vent and didn't try to argue my side, but just let him get it all out there, made him feel like I really was listening. (Something I'd been trying to prove to him I was doing for the past 2 1/2 years).
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  #30  
Old 03-17-2014, 04:34 PM
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So I spent a few days thinking about it and decided to tell him over the weekend that we should take a break from intimate time together. It isn't an easy decision for me but I think it is best for now
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