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  #11  
Old 03-12-2014, 03:19 PM
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Originally Posted by london View Post
What does your shared partner say?
He does not want to give either of us up.

He also says he and her have talked frequently about being poly but he feels even when they talk one on one she tries to minimize her feelings. She has mad it clear to him she would never break up with him
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  #12  
Old 03-12-2014, 03:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
It sounds like they aren't ready for polyamory. She's thinking like a mono, him loving you means he loves her less and will leave her. She's working on not being suicidal over his relationship with you? I'd back off and let them work on things. Why is she telling him she's fine, and telling you the opposite?
I think she wants to give us the appearance everything is ok. She says she doesn't talk to any of her friends about poly stuff so she tends to keep it all inside.
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  #13  
Old 03-12-2014, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by scarletzinnia View Post

I think at this point, whether you stay depends on how emotionally invested you are in this relationship. If it wasn't love, I'd probably leave the relationship if I were you. If it was, I might hang in there, but I would definitely be aware that my position in his life was not secure.
We have been together for 2 years and we both love each other.

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I suspect your metamour might be one of those people who would do better with the two relationships being more separate. Can you see him outside of the space he shares with her? You do not have to be her friend. All you have to do is be polite and keep the lines of communication open.
Part of the problem is that we are long distance, and I generally stay with him and his gf when I visit. He does come and visit me some as well.
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  #14  
Old 03-12-2014, 03:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
Wow, sorry she unloaded on you like that. While having those fears can be completely typical its NOT appropriate for her to go about getting her reassurances that way. If she does it again I'd make it clear that is something she needs to talk to boyfriend about.
Oh I told him about our conversation. He doesn't seem to get it as his response is "I will talk to her I am sorry she upset you." I am not upset, I am more concerned about her keeping all of her feelings hidden and appearing to be so against all of this
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Old 03-12-2014, 03:27 PM
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Hmm. That's interesting. Almost everyone I know in the fet world associate play with sexual activities
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  #16  
Old 03-12-2014, 03:32 PM
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I read 'play' as the OP and partner were engaged in kink activities when the metamour walked in. That is awkward!

For me, kink does include sex and that is true for a lot of people. But there are folks whose kinks do not include sex, or who tend to keep the two more separate. So play could include sex, or not have any sexual contact at all. Depends on the participants.
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  #17  
Old 03-12-2014, 03:59 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
What were you playing? A board game like Monopoly? Or cards or something online? Maybe you could have invited her to join you and she wouldn't have felt left out.
Sorry, being involved with BDSM the term "play" is generally used to refer to intimate activities not limited to sex.
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  #18  
Old 03-12-2014, 04:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Your husbands heart is in the right place, and I get it, but it is misguided. What you would be doing is making decisions regarding someone elses relationship because you think they aren't capable of handling it themselves. This kind of coddling *seems* like kindness, but in all actuality it is just demonstration that you think they are incompetent and are taking their ability to handle their own issues away from them.

I suggest working on your relationships and letting other people take care of theirs, and by "your relationships" I am including your association with the suicidal GF.
I hear you. I think my husband is worried about me being seen as the one that broke them up when/if that happens. Although if they break up I really don't see my friendship with her lasting.


Quote:
Someone who is not deeply intimate with me telling me about their thoughts of suicide stinks of a person who either lacks a brain-to-mouth filter or a person who is trying to emotionally manipulate me. The solution is the same either way, I need to decide if I am ok with someone taking an emotional dump on me and adjust my association with that person accordingly.

This person needs to seek therapy immediately, but since you [OP] don't get to make that call you can only decide the parameters of your relationship with this person.
Unfortunately I know there is no chance of this person seeking therapy due to being unemployed/lack of insurance. She claims she is no longer suicidal but just knowing that she felt that way at one point is concerning to me.
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  #19  
Old 03-12-2014, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
She's trying to get MsChristy to do the dirty work (break up with their shared partner) so she doesn't have to say anything and be the "bad guy"?

Just a malformed thought over my not-quite-empty coffee cup, but that's the first thing that came to mind. Boy, do I sound like a cynic...
Or-maybe she didn't tell him she was fine. Maybe that was HIS choice to say she was fine.

I know I have had partners tell others I was fine when I said nothing of the sort-because they didn't want to deal with the OTHER person being upset also.
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  #20  
Old 03-12-2014, 08:09 PM
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Personally; I keep coming back to "don't fuck fragile" and FOR ME that includes someone who is entangled with fragile.

I would point blank step back and tell him I am not up to the upkeep required in having a relationship with someone (even if I do love them) that is in relationships I feel are dangerously unhealthy.

It's not about her to me. It's about HIM.
He is in a relationship with someone who he says is "fine" when she clearly isn't.
That to me is a red flag. Far beyond my willingness to engage.

ESPECIALLY if the only way for you to visit him-is to be in her space.
Their space is also HIS space AND her space and I am unwilling to be in anyone's space if my presence creates discord for them. Regardless of who I am there to see.
Likewise; no one is allowed in my home that causes it to feel like I can't BE ME and comfortable in MY home.
So-if I were here, you wouldn't be there.

(which isn't to say that if I were me in that situation you wouldn't be there, because as a rule of thumb, I prefer metamours to be welcome in my home and we socialize as friends-but clearly-she doesn't feel that way)
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