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Old 03-12-2014, 05:22 AM
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MsChristy MsChristy is offline
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Default Metamour Resentful of Me..

I spent the weekend seeing my partner. In the past his gf has had issues with jealousy, but it had seemed like she was really becoming less jealous and we were starting to become more friendly. The last few months me and his gf have even been able to hang out when I visit and have fun.

Anyway, I visited this weekend and she walked in on us playing, and while she wasn't surprised, she got a little mad. He talked to her and said she was fine. I then decided to go chat with her and found out she was not "fine." Instead, I got an earful from her about how she fears he is going to leave her for me, how she thinks he prefers me and finds me more attractive, etc. While she said her resentment is not as bad as it was initially, she said at one point it was to the point she had considered suicide.

Obviously all of this came to a shock to me. I have talked a lot with my partner and my husband about all of this. My husband, despite having nothing against my relationship, has encouraged me to break it off, so as to not put strain on their relationship.

Any advice from those who have dealt with similar issues. I keep telling myself nothing is my fault but I feel terrible that she has been feeling this way.
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  #2  
Old 03-12-2014, 06:10 AM
london london is offline
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What does your shared partner say?
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Old 03-12-2014, 12:17 PM
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It sounds like they aren't ready for polyamory. She's thinking like a mono, him loving you means he loves her less and will leave her. She's working on not being suicidal over his relationship with you? I'd back off and let them work on things. Why is she telling him she's fine, and telling you the opposite?
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Old 03-12-2014, 12:24 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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I have dealt with this, yes, but in my case the man was in a long-term marriage, with a pile of kids. His wife would never actually admit she was jealous, she just came up with a lot of irrational reasons to be upset with me. (One of them was, she felt that when our quad hung out all together, the men paid more attention to me than they paid to her, and somehow that was MY fault. But she wasn't jealous, nosiree. ) My boyfriend completely caved in to his wife's wishes, to the point where, months later, he bought into her irrational thought processes too. It's good that your metamour is owning her jealousy, and also good that your boyfriend isn't caving into her upset. Although perhaps he is going too far in the other direction, he shouldn't be telling you that she is OK when she is not.

I think at this point, whether you stay depends on how emotionally invested you are in this relationship. If it wasn't love, I'd probably leave the relationship if I were you. If it was, I might hang in there, but I would definitely be aware that my position in his life was not secure.

I suspect your metamour might be one of those people who would do better with the two relationships being more separate. Can you see him outside of the space he shares with her? You do not have to be her friend. All you have to do is be polite and keep the lines of communication open.
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Old 03-12-2014, 12:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Why is she telling him she's fine, and telling you the opposite?
She's trying to get MsChristy to do the dirty work (break up with their shared partner) so she doesn't have to say anything and be the "bad guy"?

Just a malformed thought over my not-quite-empty coffee cup, but that's the first thing that came to mind. Boy, do I sound like a cynic...
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Old 03-12-2014, 12:30 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
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Wow, sorry she unloaded on you like that. While having those fears can be completely typical its NOT appropriate for her to go about getting her reassurances that way. If she does it again I'd make it clear that is something she needs to talk to boyfriend about.
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Old 03-12-2014, 01:32 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
My husband, despite having nothing against my relationship, has encouraged me to break it off, so as to not put strain on their relationship.
Your husbands heart is in the right place, and I get it, but it is misguided. What you would be doing is making decisions regarding someone elses relationship because you think they aren't capable of handling it themselves. This kind of coddling *seems* like kindness, but in all actuality it is just demonstration that you think they are incompetent and are taking their ability to handle their own issues away from them.

I suggest working on your relationships and letting other people take care of theirs, and by "your relationships" I am including your association with the suicidal GF.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
I'd make it clear that is something she needs to talk to boyfriend about.
Someone who is not deeply intimate with me telling me about their thoughts of suicide stinks of a person who either lacks a brain-to-mouth filter or a person who is trying to emotionally manipulate me. The solution is the same either way, I need to decide if I am ok with someone taking an emotional dump on me and adjust my association with that person accordingly.

This person needs to seek therapy immediately, but since you [OP] don't get to make that call you can only decide the parameters of your relationship with this person.
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Old 03-12-2014, 02:15 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsChristy View Post
. . . I visited this weekend and she walked in on us playing, and while she wasn't surprised, she got a little mad.
What were you playing? A board game like Monopoly? Or cards or something online? Maybe you could have invited her to join you and she wouldn't have felt left out.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #9  
Old 03-12-2014, 02:25 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
What were you playing? A board game like Monopoly? Or cards or something online? Maybe you could have invited her to join you and she wouldn't have felt left out.
sigh... no doubt she meant fucking or sex/kink of some kind. Damn euphemisms.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
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  #10  
Old 03-12-2014, 02:31 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh. Then why not say "she walked in on us fucking?" Ugh, I hate euphemisms like that. Now the story has a whole different flavor to me.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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