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  #1  
Old 03-10-2014, 04:58 PM
pinkdaisy pinkdaisy is offline
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Default My story....

Hello everyone, I am so glad I found this site to help navigate this situation that is new to me. I have been with my BF for almost 2 years. He is my soulmate, the love of my life and my best friend. I cannot imagine my life without him. When we started our relationship he was separated and living apart from his wife. Due to finances, kids ect. He has moved back. Our relationship has gone back and forth, as has his and his wife. Most of our problems have been due to the lack of boundaries I feel he has with his wife. He has recently admitted he loves us both, and we are exploring polyamory. ( His suggestion) I adore him, and my heart is broken that in my view I am not enough for him. He and his wife have 20 plus years of marriage and 4 children. This is all new for me. I am a traditionalist at heart, however the pit in my stomach at not being with him or him in my life is almost crippling at times. My friends think he is selfish, and I deserve better. I have always been pretty openminded, so here I am. This is so new to me and I admit I am struggling. Any help would be appreciated.
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Old 03-10-2014, 08:52 PM
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Greetings pinkdaisy,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Are you on equal footing with your boyfriend's wife? Do they live closeby? Is there any talk of you moving in with them, becoming part of their family?

We live in a very monogamy-centric world and are taught/trained to believe that if someone has a second partner besides me, then there must be something wrong with me. This is not quite it. It is more a matter of Homo sapiens having a tendency to be in love with more than one person at a time. It is just something that our species does. We like the variety, and we like the intense sense of community.

A good book that goes into depth on this topic is "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. It's a good book; you should consider investing in it. It challenges many of the assumptions that modern wisdom makes about the sexual limitations humans supposedly have. And while I'll generally agree that many humans are probably best-suited for monogamy, I'll also suggest that many humans are probably better-suited for non-monogamy -- that this human inclination is profoundly underestimated in these modern times.

So, try not to think of your boyfriend as having eyes for his wife because "you're not enough for him." I suppose it would be technically more accurate to say that "no one person would 'be enough' for him," but more accurate still would be to say that he is just falling (has fallen) in love with multiple (two in this case) persons, which is what humans tend to do. It sounds odd to state that, but I believe it's true.

Have a look at the various threads and boards we have to offer, and keep posting your thoughts, questions, and concerns, whether they be new or just the same old ones that haunt you. Sometimes a listening ear is the best help you can get, but there is a lot of collective experience to tap into here too.

I usually follow the intro board pretty well so I'll have an eye on this thread and will be ready to help in any way I can. Others will chip in too I'm sure.

I hope your struggles will get easier.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
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Old 03-11-2014, 10:52 AM
pinkdaisy pinkdaisy is offline
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Thanks for the reply. No we aren't on equal footing. We have only met once, and that was by accident. The heart of the problem is neither of us originally planned on this situation. This is his solution to keeping us both in his life. I think we are both exploring it because we both love him and want to make him happy. For a time she didn't know he was still seeing me, and I just recently found out he was still functioning as a couple with her, so this has made the situation much more difficult. He didn't want to hurt anyone and instead he hurt everyone.
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Old 03-11-2014, 07:42 PM
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Yes, it's usually better to just tell everyone the truth right away, rather than putting it off out of some misguided intent to protect everyone's feelings, as that only kicks the can further down the road.

I take it you are "the secondary partner" in this arrangement. Is that something you're okay with? What would you like your boyfriend (and his wife) to do to improve the situation?
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Old 03-11-2014, 07:50 PM
pinkdaisy pinkdaisy is offline
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This is where I am struggling. I guess I would be the "secondary" partner, and deep down I don't know if I am ok with that. I feel betrayed... we talked about a life together( he and I ) and now as he said it's changed It has been back and forth with them for years, even before we met. Now, He wants us both in his life. And this is his solution. In some ways I think I was better not knowing the truth and just continuing what was happening. It was more of a don't ask don't tell. She knew when he was at my house and I obviously knew when he was home. I think we ( her and I) are contemplating this for very different reasons. For now i have asked him to give me some space, so I can decide if the love I have for him is enough to engage in something I don't know if I want. It may suit his needs but I fear it won't be enough for me...
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Old 03-11-2014, 07:58 PM
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Have you asked him about making both you and his wife equal and primary partners to him? If so, how did he answer?

I commend you for not trying to force anything or rush into anything. Take some time to decide what you really want.

What if you kept seeing him, but also started dating an additional boyfriend? Would he be okay with that? Would that appeal to you at all?

Do you want to move in with him and his wife? What would that be like?

Sorry about all the questions, just getting a better feel for the situation.
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Old 03-11-2014, 08:07 PM
pinkdaisy pinkdaisy is offline
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I don't mind the questions at all. I don't know how familiar he is with the terms.. i have been doing my research to answer my own questions. He would not be ok if I had an additional partner. I have brought that up. And that is part of my frustrations. He said he couldn't handle it. And that makes me angry. It seems as if he wants us to be the ones sacrificing everything. I've asked him about it, not because it really appealed to me, but more to try to get him to see his own hypocrisy. I have a home, a career a child entering High School and a life I have worked hard to achieve on my own. She is a stay at home mom with 4 kids.. I honestly don't see us all cohabiting as an option right now.

Her and I have never really had a conversation. By accident we happened to be in the same place at the same time and I introduced myself.
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Old 03-11-2014, 08:24 PM
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Hmmm ... so he gets two partners, but you only get one. That is kind of hypocritical. Can you live with that? in principle? in practice? If he can't handle something, why should you be able to handle it?

Sounds like you and his wife might not mesh together very comfortably, especially in the same house. You are much more independent.

What is he willing to do to help make it worth it to you to stay in this relationship? What is he offering right now?
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Old 03-11-2014, 08:34 PM
pinkdaisy pinkdaisy is offline
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LOL So I am not crazy thinking it is hypocritical. Thank you Kevin. His thought on this is this way if we are all on board we CAN all celebrate the holidays and no one is left out from things ( he is in a band, who is going when tends to cause fights). He really isn't offering me any other option, he says he can't won't leave her, and doesn't want me to be out of his life. He isn't offering much, except this being the only option. He doesn't bend much( we are both pretty strong willed) and she is a more passive person. I have defended her in this also saying she only gets her needs met half the time as I do, where as he is getting his meet all the time, and it really isn't in my opinion, fair. For me it feels like it is this option or none.
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Old 03-11-2014, 08:48 PM
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Well that being the case, you can only ask yourself what would be best for you. You can't really discuss that with him because he's not willing to change anything.

Is what you're getting out of this relationship greater than what you are sacrificing for it? You might even want to draw up a sheet showing the plusses in one column and the minuses in the other column.

Don't stay with him just because he is the comfortable and familiar, and breaking up is hard. You have to think about the big picture here. Where do you see yourself five, ten, twenty years from now? Where would you like to be?

Sure closed V's can work, as long as the ends of the V don't mind getting half of the hinge's attentions. Some people like more time to be independent and by themselves. Your job, then, is to decide if that is the life for you. You already know it's not up for discussion with him. He's telling you take it or leave it. Well actually he's telling you to take it, period, but he doesn't have that much power over you, so take some time to think about what *you* want to do.
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