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  #11  
Old 03-11-2014, 09:50 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Let me add to the chorus of people telling you that things can still be ok.

If you still want to be part of the family and they both want you to be, why not? Being a loving third parent would keep you in the mix, assuming you want that level of responsibility.

You could also, as has been suggested, live on your own, adjust to having much less time with the bf, and take no more and no less than you get with the new circumstances.

Of course you could end the relationship, but I just don't see how three people who love and care about each other would have to do that. If you really feel that you'll be getting significantly less time...so much less that you're not getting all your needs served, this may be what you choose.

I'd simply sit down with both of them and discuss your need not to feel secondary, yet your willingness to be part of the pregnancy and parenting experience. See if you can come to a mutually beneficial situation for all of you. COMMUNICATE.
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  #12  
Old 03-12-2014, 02:28 AM
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OP, you may want to check out AnnabelMore's blog. Her gf is married and had a baby. AnnabelMore doesn't live with them, though she has been involved with her gf's husband, too. Anyway, she shares a lot about the baby, helping the mom & dad out, and how the dynamic of her gf becoming a parent affected her. She's a great writer, and a deep thinker, so you might gain some insight into your situation by reading about hers. The blog is here: the story of a secondary.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #13  
Old 03-12-2014, 04:09 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
Sounds like this might be a good time to branch off. I personally would not want me to be in your situation. I don't particularly like being around pregnant women but I esp would not like living with someone else's newborn/toddler. Not would I want to do wirh all the stress the parents will have. It would be emotionally overwhelming for me. I wouldn't break up with the Guy you are dating but I would live elsewhere and expect that for a couple years he will have exponentially less time for me
Woah hey... I get that pregnant ladies and babies aren't your thing. But don't transpose what YOU don't want out of life onto what other people SHOULD do.

Family situations can get complicated. Kids can have more than two people who are in a parental role, especially when they're born to it. Take Auto's family for instance. Her husband is trans. She has 3 kids. Oldest is from a previous relationship. The younger two are 2 and 5 and were biologically fathered by a gay male friend, call him Tony, who wanted kids but obviously lacked half the equipment. Deal was, they'd get a sperm donor for "their" kid and he'd get a surrogate for "his" kid. The youngest lives with the gay friend and the older two live with Auto and Zoffee. Zoffee is "Zoffee" to the oldest child, "Dad" to the second, and "Zee" to the youngest. Tony is Tony to the oldest, "Teetee" to the second, and "Daddy" to the youngest. But all three of them have full parental rights as far as the others are concerned. Zoffee makes the mistake of trying to push it with the teenager, who doesn't see him as her "Dad" because she already has a "Dad," even if he's not involved much. But the two youngest fully accept both the men as their father in every way that counts. And that's not even living in the same house!
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  #14  
Old 03-12-2014, 12:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Woah hey... I get that pregnant ladies and babies aren't your thing. But don't transpose what YOU don't want out of life onto what other people SHOULD do.
I didn't say she SHOULD do anything I said what I would do
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  #15  
Old 03-12-2014, 05:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
I didn't say she SHOULD do anything I said what I would do
I guess it was just my interpretation of:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo
Sounds like this might be a good time to branch off.
That's only true if OP doesn't want to be involved in a family-with-kids situation. If she likes the idea of being one of two women in a house full of babies, this is the start of something awesome.

Granted, her reaction to the news doesn't exactly support this hypothesis, however it sounds like her apprehension is more about getting in their way and being excluded. But then she later says she wants to have her own family. I don't see any reason why other girlfriend, girlfriend's kids, boyfriend, and her own future kids can't all be "her own family."
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  #16  
Old 03-12-2014, 08:32 PM
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kyrele28 kyrele28 is offline
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Hi everyone thanks for all of the responses and replies. I was busy, didnt get the chance to reply ahead of time. So its been 3 days now since i found out about it. Until now, im still thinking on what im going to do. and i know a lot of you is very supportive regarding this and has more experienced than me.

I'll give you more detailed story about our situation. We are FMF. Basically im sexually and romantically involved with G, which is C's boyfriend, I love them both. and theyve been there the entire time i needed someone. And everytime we're together. It's great! Every moment is wonderful. But sometimes eventhough we get along nicely. We also have our gloomy days. It cant be helped. Its normal. The thing is C is too emotional. I can't even show affection towards G infront of her. She gets jealous just only for the simplest things. I understand she's the first and she wanted more affection. I didn't know she's like that. The first time i met her, she was very supportive about having me around, trying to convince me to show how i feel towards G and not to be shy around them. and now she's acting like that. I dont get it? We tried to talked it over and solve whats going on. But pretty much its the same thing over and over.. i know theres going to be boundaries and limitations. But in the first place, theyre the ones who told me not to hold back and be open to them about how i feel especially towards G. I always try to communicate with them. and G always say, "we need to make her happy, if its not for her wer not together. yOU Need to understand shes too emotional." (wtf?!, im a girl too, and he doesnt even bother paying attention to what i feel) i dont get it? and everytime they go on vacation.. im always left behind. I know they dont want C's parents to know about this. and i cant even go on vacation w/ G only. is this fair?i tried to understand everything.. and accepted that in this situation i will always be the one who will need to understand and be patient.

Thats why i was overwhelmed when they told me shes going to have a baby. Im okay with that, i like kids.. i love them! but my concern is, eventhough they told me nothings going to change and im not in there way. i cnt help but think, it will be, and the problems and issues wer hving right now, is it going to still be that way?over and over? and when the baby comes i would be left alone again.-___-

Last edited by LovingRadiance; 03-14-2014 at 07:57 PM. Reason: Removed personal names
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  #17  
Old 03-12-2014, 08:40 PM
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Geez, you're being treated like a door mat. You must really love this guy to tolerate being treated like his dirty little secret and have to walk on egg shells around his gf. This new info just makes me think she's going to get even more emotional. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't try to outright get rid of you when nesting starts. Sounds like right now she's barely tolerating you. He actions speak much louder than her occasional reassurances
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  #18  
Old 03-12-2014, 08:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
Geez, you're being treated like a door mat. You must really love this guy to tolerate being treated like his dirty little secret and have to walk on egg shells around his gf. This new info just makes me think she's going to get even more emotional. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't try to outright get rid of you when nesting starts. Sounds like right now she's barely tolerating you. He actions speak much louder than her occasional reassurances
she's not bad.. its only her mood swings.. honestly sometimes i couldnt handle it anymore. im not an angel nor a hypocrite. eventhough we're closed and like bestfriends. i hate to admit it.. she gets into my nerves everytime she acts like that.. like a spoiled little kid.
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  #19  
Old 03-13-2014, 01:16 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Baby aside, it sounds like there are already a number of issues - which can all be summed up in the term "couple privilege." I suggest googling it.

While I get that their statments that "nothing is going to change" are meant to be reassuring, coupled with the fact that you are being treated more like a toy than a person (I get it - I've been there), it's anything but.
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  #20  
Old 03-13-2014, 05:25 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi kyrele28,

At first I was just gonna suggest for you to see if you can get pregnant by G too (if not right away then in a few years), but then when you described how C treats you, and how G sides with C, I really feel like you are being treated like a second-class citizen, and that is not cool. In my opinion, if they're not willing to treat you as an equal then you deserve better than them. Whether it's monogamous or polyamorous, make sure it's a relationship with people who love you enough to value your feelings and prioritize you as a person.

Sorry you're going through this stuff.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Last edited by LovingRadiance; 03-14-2014 at 07:58 PM. Reason: removed personal names
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