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Old 03-10-2014, 02:40 PM
tenK tenK is offline
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Default Being attracted to your partner's partner?

Greetings all. My partner and I are in the process of opening our relationship and have been finding the forum very useful as a passive resource to read together. Just as a tiny bit of background: we are a same-sex couple who consider each other as primary, and she has met a lovely chap she'd like to build a deeper connection with. He's already in a stable open relationship himself, and we've been friends with them as a couple for about two years now. Things only started simmering between my gf and him around December time though. Since then, lots of talking, lots of crying, lot of heart-ache, lots of learning, lots of ups and downs, lots of compassion, lots of patience, lots of honesty…the usual, I think, when transitioning from an exclusive arrangement to something more open.

I'm coming at this from the more monogamous end of the spectrum in many ways, and I have a whole bunch of insecurities and fears about opening up. This is totally my own shit to deal with, and I've tried very hard to communicate with EVERYONE (him and his gf included) about those. But it's a real struggle. I was in an open-relationship for four years, so it's not that I am closed-minded by any means. I just feel perfectly capable of getting all my romantic needs met in one relationship. Monogamy has worked well for me, and I have no real desire for a completely independent second relationship outside of my current one. So, that's an issue. However, as is often the case when you are presented with an opportunity, even if it's initially an unwelcome one, you start to adapt, and to adjust your expectations and ways of thinking…and that at some point it might be conceivable that you wake up one day realising that 'holy crap - I think I have a giant crush on my girlfriend's person of interest and I would really really like to have sex with them both'. And that then you would go away and have a little panic about it, and realise you need to talk to your partner about that. And that after having some interesting chats with her, you might have another little panic about it. And finally you might decide to post a question to the poly forum about it, because you realise you can't possibly be the only person in the world to have this happen to you.

So that's where I'm at. The rough and ready version of my question is simply this: is there a better/worse way of indicating to your metamour that you a) have the hots for him, and b) you and your shared partner would be really into group play involving him? And if the feelings are not reciprocated, is there a graceful way to step back without making everyone feel awkward, or to get over the disappointment in a constructive way that's not going to interfere with the fact that you *need* to still be able to be close enough to this person to at least be able to talk about incredibly personal things? In short, this is a question of social etiquette. How do I/we make it clear that this is something we'd like without making him feel overwhelmed or under pressure or just plain uncomfortable?
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Old 03-10-2014, 06:57 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Ok best I can relate to this....My spouse has a new girlfriend who is bi. Im open to the concept, but never been with women myself. She asked him at one point if I were open to the idea of girl/girl and he said I was, at which pouint she reached out to me and opened a dialogue. We haven't done anything yet, but the four of us (she has a boyfriend) have discussed group play and threesomes and everyones pretty on bored, but we are working on friendships. the friendship part we take slowly/naturally, and I rely on my getting involved with her or her with us on the pace of their relationship.

Dunno if that helps I guess my advise is your primary says "hey Don, Jeanie is interested in you.." and take it from there.
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Old 03-11-2014, 05:56 AM
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I totally get what you are going through. My situation that I was in is almost the inversion of yours. My wife and I have been together for fifteen years and I met another woman who turned out to be my soulmate... we are incredibly good friends and we quickly realized that we wanted something more. She was already getting to know my wife by this point and they were becoming friends, so the two of us conspired to get my wife to acclimate to the idea of becoming a poly triad. We already were in a swinger lifestyle, so it wasn't a HUGE change in her thinking.

The best thing you can do is communicate and be honest. The worst thing that he is capable of saying is 'no'. Also... keep in mind that this is a guy we are talking about. When the average guy is approached by two females who are interested in having hot threesome sex with him, the only thing going on in his head is...


SCORE!!!


Gorgeouskitten is right. Let your girlfriend be the conduit to break the ice and start to discussion. After that, just be frank and honest.
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Old 03-11-2014, 12:55 PM
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One thing to keep in mind is that most crushes will fade eventually. We don't have to act on every attraction we have. It's perfectly fine to just enjoy the deliciousness of being around him without jumping his bones.

That being said, you've spoken to your gf about it and she's okay with getting it on in a group - that's great! I am curious - how would she feel if you and he had sexy time together one on one without involving her? That is something to discuss. Also, it is possible that he has an agreement with his current primary gf to clear all sexual partners with her beforehand. Your gf should ask him about that. Then maybe it would be something you, your gf, and he talk about together.

If I were you, I wouldn't feel the need to announce to him that you are sexually attracted to him and it's all a "go" with her, because that would make it sort of forced and awkward to me. Then everyone will be paused and waiting for it to happen or trying to plan for it to happen and that might feel too artificial.

I think I would just continue to get to know him, maybe flirt a little and see his reaction, and then someday if there is an opportune moment, express your desire. Or if you feel he does reciprocate with flirting and there is some chemistry there, one night if he is over and it looks like he and your gf are getting ready to go to the bedroom, you and she can say you've got a surprise for him, and you join them (IF you already know that something like that would be okay with his other partner).

Hope that made sense.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-11-2014 at 01:00 PM.
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Old 03-18-2014, 10:51 AM
tenK tenK is offline
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Thanks for all your words of advice guys. As a brief update, we kind of incorporated everything you said, and my gf casually brought the subject up with *his* gf. That might sound a bit odd, but we figured that if she had any strong objections we would rather know that before even mentioning it to him in a way. The last thing we want to do is make her feel uncomfortable in all this. Their/our friendship with her came before any attraction to her partner, so it's important to both of us that she's happy in whatever relationship comes to pass.

The result of that chat was quite surprising really. First of all, there is a precedence for this kind of arrangement before, which we were not aware of. As I said in my original post, this is all incredibly new - my gf and the boy of interest haven't progressed beyond making out yet, so full chats about previous sexual history haven't taken place. Turns out he has been involved in plenty of three way connections before, and in fact, they have a kind of 'open invitation' policy between them now with regards to her current gf. If he ever wants to join them, he can, although he rarely does. Obviously this is an arrangement her gf is totally on board with.

Our friend said she would have absolutely no problem whatsoever with something happening with all of us, and given some of the specific things that have been going on between us all, and some of the anxieties and problems I've been dealing with, said it had actually already crossed her mind as something to suggest we all consider. She said she thought it would be something he'd be pretty open to, and asked if we minded if she talked to him about it. There were no objections to that on our part, and following her enquiring chats, the conclusion from him is pretty similar to how I feel: I don't think either of us would have considered taking our friendship somewhere physical independently of the emerging attraction between him and my gf, but that given the current situation, interest and attraction has been growing. Not sure where it will go, but there's a willingness to explore it and find out. Exciting!

They're away on holiday for the rest of this week, so we've all got the opportunity now to have a wee think about it and figure out exactly what we want. The genie is out of the bottle now, so to speak. Obviously the three of us still need to sit down together, but I'm now feeling much much more relaxed about that prospect.
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Old 03-19-2014, 10:59 PM
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Great news! A little communication can do wonders, eh? Keep us posted!
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 03-26-2014, 11:51 AM
tenK tenK is offline
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Default Little update

So the three of us all had a really lovely weekend together - albeit frustratingly platonic. Lots of fun, really positive, very relaxed - but at the same time totally tense because none of us were quite able to bring ourselves to talk about the elephant in the room. Well, last night I decided to just go for it. I invited him over while gf was at her art class, knowing she'd be back to rescue me/us if I was still a bumbling stuttering wreck unable to clearly articulate what I was feeling for him when she got home. Honestly, I feel like this whole experience is making me regress into a nervous teenager all over again. When did saying 'I fancy you' become so challenging??!

Anyway, armed with a notebook of bullet points covering what I wanted to say (I kid ye all not!), we managed to have a heart to heart, and the net result is that we're all on the same page about wanting to steer this more towards an inclusive triad type arrangement! The evening ended with all of us draped very pleasingly over one another on our very tiny sofa. The intention is that we are going to take things slowly and not think about things too much. We've had the awkward chats required to dispel the ambiguity - now it's time to let things happen more organically. His gf is very happy for us all, and has been teasing us via text message all morning, so things are really looking good all round at this stage.

I have no idea how this will evolve. I have no reference point for what a 'good' group relationship looks like. My only expectations are that we all have a good time together. That's enough, right? Any further advice on how to keep our heads on straight will be most gratefully appreciated!
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:39 AM
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Awesome update! Thanks for keeping us posted.

I would say - don't worry too much about where it's going or whether you're getting it "right." Just be present, listen, take care of yourself, and treat the people you care for with respect, kindness, and affection. Oh, and don't forget to have fun. You'll be fine!
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 03-27-2014, 09:22 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tenK View Post

I have no idea how this will evolve. I have no reference point for what a 'good' group relationship looks like. My only expectations are that we all have a good time together. That's enough, right? Any further advice on how to keep our heads on straight will be most gratefully appreciated!
Well, it's nice you got this far. Now what? Remember there are a lot of different relationships here. It depends on how into him you get (some nicknames would be nice, think of some!).

You and your gf
Your gf and him
You and him
You and him and gf all together.

Then, there is his other gf. Where does she fit in? You all are friends, but no one is interested in her romantically (except bf)? Or might she be in the mix too, for sexy times?

Generally it's recommended each dyad has one on one time on a regular basis. You will get to know him better if you and he occasionally have dates of some kind, just the 2 of you. Only limiting it to 3way sex every time might become awkward, if someone isn't in the mood, or sick, or has cramps, or is out of town, or the three of you spend the night together, but one has to go to the work in the morning, leaving the other 2 alone...
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Old 03-28-2014, 10:49 AM
tenK tenK is offline
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Thanks! To follow your suggestion Magdlyn, I should give us all some nicknames for clarity:
Nina = my gf
Jay = the man in the middle
Lily = our friend/Jay's gf

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Just be present, listen, take care of yourself, and treat the people you care for with respect, kindness, and affection. Oh, and don't forget to have fun. You'll be fine!
I need to follow this to the letter. I find it so hard to just stay in the moment. My mind is buzzing with a million possibilities, and it's a challenge to just stay grounded, for sure!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Remember there are a lot of different relationships here. […] Generally it's recommended each dyad has one on one time on a regular basis. You will get to know him better if you and he occasionally have dates of some kind, just the 2 of you.
Yes, this is important. In a sense, Jay and I have historically always had slightly more 'alone-time', if you want to call it that, than he and Nina have had. We go running together for a couple of hours every week, and although the focus of that is clearly not been on bonding or romance (whereas they have had lots of little dates and after work drinks), it's something we both really enjoy doing together. I think, if things go well, that that has the potential to evolve into a regular running *and* date night of sorts. I certainly feel I have some 'catching up' to do - but at the same time, I just want things to develop naturally from here. He and I are at a different level and in a different relationship stage than he and Nina…and that's ok. I'm not scared of that, or feeling like things have to be equal or anything. It's kind of nice seeing the different connections we all have. At the same time, I am aware that he and Nina could probably use more one-on-one time. That's been lacking while we've all been trying to figure out exactly what r/ship shape we wanted to pursue. I'm not naive - I expect it to feel scary, and it will certainly make me feel insecure and excluded at some point, but I have lots more reasons to want to work through those feelings of 'ick' now!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Then, there is his other gf. Where does she fit in? You all are friends, but no one is interested in her romantically (except bf)? Or might she be in the mix too, for sexy times?
We have talked about this, Nina and I. I think for her and Nina there is nothing but platonic friendship. They also work together, and I think Nina in particular is very conscious of that fact (technically, until the start of this year, Lily was kind of her supervisor…I think everyone feels better now that they are working on completely different projects and are just office-mates!). Whilst I can't see Lily and Nina hooking up with each other, I think they'd both be comfortable being co-present in a sexual situation just fine - whether that's even something Lily would want though, I can't say. It seems like that's how some (most?) relationships she and Jay have had in the past have worked out, but it's not on the cards at the moment. She has stated explicitly that she loves hanging out and doing stuff with the four of us, but that she is very happy with what's happening with the three of us too.

On my end, I find Lily quite intriguing. I'm curious I guess, and certainly wouldn't be opposed to being involved with her directly if 'sexy times', as you put it, were to take place. She is quite flirty with me, but very gently so, if you know what I mean. There's no pressure there at all - I think it's just that there is an unusual warmth to her personality. I'm definitely enjoying getting to know her better. That being said, one baby step at a time! It already feels like a huge deal to be adding one extra body to the bed, let alone two. And on that note…Nina, Jay and I have a date tonight at their place. Lily is staying overnight in a hotel with her gf, which is unusual but has been planned for months: they are having a sexy photoshoot with a professional photographer, so she's not clearing out of the house on our part. It does however, raise the welcome possibility of things getting very snuggly in front of their fire though. So the rest of today will be spent with me trying to not let my imagination run away with me, and repeating nycindie's advice like a Buddhist mantra!
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