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  #1  
Old 05-03-2014, 06:09 AM
Crestfallen Crestfallen is offline
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Question 4 bfs

I just found out my gf has 4 bfs total. I knew she had one other. But I told her I don't have a problem as no one gets left out. She says we all get the same time with her but I don't think that's true and then I asked her if she hasn't been talking to me as much because of that And she said yes and I'm the only one that knows about all 4. I love her and want her to be happy. I just don't want her to be stretching herself to thin and it causing rifts in our relationship. Like I've said before I'm new to poly and just trying to figure out how I can make her happy and myself. I don't want her to be stressed out. I know its hard to understand I have problems putting my thoughts into words. I'm just need advise to help guide me to be able to make sure she and I can have a strong happy healthy relationship.

Last edited by Crestfallen; 05-03-2014 at 07:20 AM. Reason: needed to express more and reword a few things to better convey my thoughts
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  #2  
Old 05-03-2014, 06:29 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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There is nothing wrong with a woman having four boyfriends/lovers. As long as your needs are met and you are happy in the relationship, her other relationships aren't really any of your business because they have nothing to do with you. You have no say over any relationship but your own. Now, if she is secretly cheating on the other guys, that is something to think about. You may want to ask yourself whether you really want to be with someone who is lying and cheating. But if she is single, most people would not expect exclusivity unless they reached a point where they wanted to commit to that. So, even though some of these guys may not know she's seeing other people, they might just assume that if she's single, she's dating! And she has every right to do that.

But... did you have a specific question???
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  #3  
Old 05-03-2014, 07:58 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you are struggling.

In your intro post there's a lot of drama with this woman you are dating.

Her time management skills as a hinge person sound poor in that post to me. You also sound worried you aren't getting the time you need for the (you + her) relationship to run well in both that post and this one.

In this post? You sound concerned that there isn't just 2 BFs (you plus that intro post bf.) But that there are 4 BFs in the picture. Given her chaotic sounding life with BF from the first post, and her poor hinge time management skills, and the fact that nobody knows about her dating several but you? This sounds like possible cheating drama on top of the chaos drama. Is that what it is here?

If what she says is true from the first post that she is tired of the drama? And you are tired of being thrown on the back burner?

I would suggest that you tell her it sounds like she's got a full plate, so you want to bow out to give her time/space to sort out her other business. She can look you up when she's more ABLE to date you nicely and polyship well. Date her THEN at that point in time. Right now she's not able.

If you want to date, there's others to be dating that aren't so messy sounding in the meanwhile.

If you want to polyship, there are other polyships to be in that aren't so messy sounding in the meanwhile.

This gives YOU time, space, and some emotional distance from this person to see if she gets herself together or not without you being in the direct line of fire.

Another thing you could do in the meanwhile is work on your communication skills so you can better articulate. That's a good interpersonal skill to have in any of your relationships - family, friends, work, etc. Whether or not you keep on dating her in future or not.

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-03-2014 at 08:10 AM.
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  #4  
Old 05-05-2014, 12:32 AM
CosmoMcKinley CosmoMcKinley is offline
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While I most assuredly don't wish to delve too deeply in to theory here, the generally accepted definition of polyamory is "ethical non-monogamy." Personally, I don't consider any relationship structure where all of the active participants aren't at least aware of one another to be an ethical one.

If you're the only boyfriend that's aware that she has three others in the loop, that's a gigantic red flag. One does not maintain up to four separate relationships without a certain amount of dishonesty if everyone involved isn't fully informed as to the true nature of the relationship.

From what you've said so far, your girlfriend is not so much poly as she is a plate spinner. She wants to have multiple simultaneous relationships and has stumbled on to the term "polyamory" to describe her desired lifestyle. This is a fairly common tactic, unfortunately. She's not much different than those who describe their marriage as "open," but in reality it's only open on one end.

Is she open to and accepting of you having other girlfriends as well? Even if this isn't something you actually desire, it might be useful to broach the subject. Her reaction might tell you all you need to know.
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  #5  
Old 05-05-2014, 10:57 PM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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CosmoMcKinley had it exactly right. Your girlfriend is "dating"around, the four of you, and by now it could be more, are basically clueless, and calling this poly or anything else but a girl playing the field is silly.

It is also a little late for you to be worrying about not wanting anything to interfere with your relationship because by being here you are not a happy camper so that is not the case.

Don't worry about your girlfriend being happy. She is obviously having a blast, but you are unfortunately so smitten and determined to please her that you are struggling.

Gala Girl gave you some good analysis, but the simple and less nuanced answer for you is that unless something changes dramatically, you are either going to be one of the gang or you are going to find another girlfriend.

NY Cindi has it right. The other relationships are not any of your business if you are happy but you aren't. And there will be more.

Time to move on or suck it up and live with it.
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