Husband want me to chose between him and my bf

[Hoyam]

I realy understand what you say. My heart is screaming NOOOOOO when i read what you write, but rationally i can understand your opinion.

About counselor: it is a normal, well educated therapist who knows more about polyamory. There was another counselor, i first asked, but she was only known with polyamory. My husband and i decided this man was better. He treats people and couples and one of the things he is known with is polyamory. He is just a normal therapist. He made it very clear to both of us he doesn't know the outcome. He made it very clear he is not pro or anti. He just wants to help us find the right solution for us, in which we can both be happy. And i am happy that he is known with poly cause it helps both my husband and me. He understand both our struggle.

[nycindie]

Ugh, Hoyam, I hope you can ignore some of the borderline hostile negativity and criticism that is being tossed your way by a certain member here. It sounds like you and your husband are communicating and doing what you feel is necessary to work on what needs to be worked on. It's always a good sign when a partner is willing to talk and let a professional third party give their views. Hang in there.

[LovingRadiance]

It's hard to remember sometimes; change happens in all relationships. Mono relationships end at a rate higher than 50%.
Stands to reason,that poly relationships do as well.

That said, no, opening a relationship isn't the same level of change as coloring your hair.
However; having a partner go through a sudden accident that leaves them paralyzed from the neck down is catastrophic-and we don't assume that "just leave them" is a reasonable reaction to that. Even though it can create all sorts of debilitating changes for the couple JUST LIKE opening a relationship can.

I don't condone ultimatums. Either direction. They are conversation stoppers. They break down intimacy. They destroy trust.

At the same time; it's important to remember, that there are unspoken ultimatums that are just as damaging as spoken ones.

I won't stop loving someone because someone else has a temper tantrum and issues an ultimatum.
But; reasonable (meaning-stated respectfully and honestly, openly) requests to work with them (even if what they want seems unreasonable) are absolutely necessary.

Both people (or all people) in the relationship, need to be willing to make concessions.

The "do not date another" is VAGUE and leaves all sorts of cracks to slip through.

The conversation needs to be more structured.
"This specific action bothers me.." "I feel neglected when.." "I need x amt of time a week" "I am not willing to share.... "

Specific, concrete actions. Not vague umbrella terms.

I have a platonic friendship with a man I've been close to for.. well almost 30 years. We make dates once or twice a month to go for a walk or have lunch or whatever. We don't have sex. We do hug. We periodically share a kiss on the cheek. We TALK about sex all of the time.

Maca refers to him as my "nonsexual boyfriend" because we don't HAVE sex together. But he's OBVIOUSLY more than "just a friend".

There are SO MANY different levels of a relationship and so many offshoots a relationship can take.

Your husband is hurting. He needs some empathy for his pain. But he also needs to "get down and dirty" with himself and establish his PRECISE needs and wants so he can express them specifically to you and you can actually work together towards figuring out
IF you can maintain your marriage AND meet both your needs and his or if you need to make changes.

We lived apart (3 different times) for over a year. We still dated each other 2 of those times. We didn't divorce. We still co-parented.
But just having that additional space away from each other allowed each of us to really focus on what we personally as individuals needed-so we COULD communicate to one another.

It's so easy to say "I don't want to be...." or "I can't be...." But poly/mono, these are broad umbrella terms that leave so much to be ironed out in your head and when TWO or more heads are involved-that creates miscommunication.

Maca NEEDS a personal space no other man enters without HIS permission.
I NEED to know my clothing isn't going to be loaned out to someone else without MY permission (yes I am serious).
I NEED to know my kids aren't going to be socializing with anyone who isn't fully respectful of ALL of their parents.
I NEED space to myself.
Maca NEEDS sex a certain amount of the time.
I NEED cuddle time a certain amount of the time.

One of his big reasons for not being willing to be poly-was his fear that if I got sex somewhere else, there wouldn't be enough for him. But-what he said was "NO FUCKING WAY AM I DOING POLY".
When he got off his high horse of "vague broad statements" and said he was afraid I wouldn't want sex as often as he needed it; I pointed out to him, that I had been having an affair-and I STILL always want sex more than he does.... He had a pre-conceived idea that "wives stop wanting sex". He wasn't actually considering ME and OUR relationship. There's never been an issue with me wanting sex less than him. There HAS been an issue with me being incapable of performing due to medical issues-but in that circumstance, I'm not performing AT ALL.

You two need to address specifics.
You say you feel more passion with bf. What is "passion". What are the CONCRETE actions that you need-which he fulfills.

[Hoyam]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Ugh, Hoyam, I hope you can ignore some of the borderline hostile negativity and criticism that is being tossed your way by a certain member here. It sounds like you and your husband are communicating and doing what you feel is necessary to work on what needs to be worked on. It's always a good sign when a partner is willing to talk and let a professional third party give their views. Hang in there.

Thanks a lot!

[Hoyam]

Thanks lovingradiance. I have been trying, together with the husband to talk in terms of needs. Sometimes conversations like that were succesful. Sometimes i noticed that he started focussing on the what and the why about the boyfriend and started comparing. Than the next step was him trying to act more like what i want from the boyfriend or me thinking he was acting more like what i want from the boyfriend. That was killing for our relationship. Also sometimes we discovered we had needs that we couldn't find with each other. Shocking, not realy, but having those facts on the table was kind of diffecult.
I understand the part of talking about needs, but it is not as easy as it sounds.! But i hope the counselor can help us with that.

[JadeDoor]

I truly hope that everything works out for you and that therapy can bring some kind of resolution.

A few months ago, I was where you are. My husband and I opened up to poly over last spring. He started dating his ex wife. I started dating my husband's brother. Yep, quite the unique situation so I know some of that was a factor. When hubby's gf broke up with him (but she was still living with us because they share kids together) he suddenly became not okay with poly and not okay with me dating his brother. he issued ultimatums.

We're now getting divorced and I'm not with either of them. Well, I live with two roommates, one of them the brother.

If I could go back, I would do exactly the same thing. But my situation is probably different from yours. My husband was mentally and physically abusive. Still... I loved him. I miss him. I wish things could have been different.

Therapy worked for us for a while. And I hope that it will work well for you, being that you are not (I hope) in an abusive situation. It is so hard when someone starts issuing ultimatums or says they don't want to be poly anymore. There are feelings involved from all sides. I wish you the best. Truly.

[BrigidsDaughter]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

However; having a partner go through a sudden accident that leaves them paralyzed from the neck down is catastrophic-and we don't assume that "just leave them" is a reasonable reaction to that. Even though it can create all sorts of debilitating changes for the couple JUST LIKE opening a relationship can.

Generally speaking, no, we don't. However, my grandmother was a staunch believer in 'til death do us part and that the only legal and righteous reason to divorce was the biblical reason - infidelity of the spouse and abandonment of the family unit. She and my grandfather divorced for that reason, with the church's blessing when my mother was 4. Yet this highly religious woman advocated that I leave my husband when he had a rare reaction to a drug the Army was testing on him; had a psychotic break and a chemical imbalance in the brain left him with Bipolar II. My grandmother who adored my husband and thought he was the son-in-law she'd always wanted, encouraged me to leave my husband at a time when he needed me most. It's still hard for me to fathom and she's been dead for almost 5 years.

[Eclipse]

Originally Posted by Hoyam

But now my husband sees the passion he feels like he is missing out. And i totally agree, i understand that. For me it would be perfect, having my calm, intelligent, sweet husband in my life and also the passionate, intens (both positive and negative) boyfriend. It is both what i want and like. But my husband now, wants to have both too, but than all with me. I wish to give him that, but in 13 years i never found a way to give him that. That is why polyamory sounds logical. Ofcourse you cannot find everything in one person. Me, i think this helps me focus even more on the good things i find in my husband. I don't try to change him into a man who does everything i want and need. Also with the boyfriend. I can realy agree on the fact that loving more is normal and the fact that it is ok to love different kind of love, that it is ok to have different kind of romances. But i totally understand his believes, his feelings. I used to have the same. So i do understand him.

Have you considered the possibility that a large portion of the problem that your husband is having stems from exactly what you wrote above? Your husband is seeing things from a totally mono point of view... so despite you trying to spend time with him and divide your attention equally, you aren't giving him the type of attention that he's really looking for. He wants the type of passion and 'newness' to your relationship that you are heaping on your boyfriend, but instead he feels he's being treated as a doormat who gives you financial stability, emotional support, child rearing, etc... while you get to go have fun with your boyfriend. That's a HUGE communication issue, though. If that really IS where he's coming from, he needs to address that issue instead of projecting this gripe onto your and your bf's relationship.

[london]

Apologising to him doesn't mean you are submitting to monogamy, it's acknowledging that your change of heart severely changed your relationship. That's a huge thing. Acknowledging the enormity of the impact your change of heart has had and will continue to have on him is just being decent. It's being accountable for your actions and the consequences your actions have on other people

[Hoyam]

Yes eclipse, we start to notice that our opinions are just opposite. At first we were trying this and it was not as obvious as now, from both sides. But now it seems clear. That's why the first start from this counselor is: ,,accepting we have different opinions". Diffecult!!!!

JadeDoor, my husband is so kind and sweet. No far from abusive! Lucky me, cause i think it is complex enough as it is.

London, i feel much guilt and shame. I think i show it to my husband. Maybe not enough but i do show it. And i truely feel sorry for hurting him. He is the sweetest man i know and i don't want to hurt him at all. Maybe i should show it to him a lot more, that is true. But i think i am not the only one responsable for this relationship. He has ownership in this situation as well as i do.