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  #31  
Old 03-10-2014, 07:00 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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I would like to "like" InLovingRadiance's reply
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  #32  
Old 03-10-2014, 08:09 PM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Have any of those of you who are advising her to just tell her husband that if he chooses not to be part of this 6 month fling she is having with a guy in ANOTHER country figured out how she is going to support herself and her three kids. She has spent ONE WEEK VACATION with this guy and maybe a few weeks if that from her posts. It is her initial step into non monogamy and you are advising her to just tell him if he can';t accept it they'll just go their separate ways. On the basis on her limited experience in this lifestyle how are you all so convinced she is wired POLY or that as a few have sensibly said this is the excitement of a new relationship. And I guess it does not matter what the boyfriend love of her life can help out with or what guarantees she has that he will even be around if she tells him she is all his.

Or have any of you thought about that depending on the laws in her country she might be subject to the husband taking her kids from her as an unfit mother once he easily proves she is committing what most courts will call adultery once he ends the poly experiment. I guess none of that matters as long as the sacred alter of poly is upheld.

Unbelievable that you all put her needs before her responsibility as a mother.
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  #33  
Old 03-10-2014, 08:22 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by friskyone4u View Post
Have any of those of you who are advising her to just tell her husband that if he chooses not to be part of this 6 month fling she is having with a guy in ANOTHER country figured out how she is going to support herself and her three kids. She has spent ONE WEEK VACATION with this guy and maybe a few weeks if that from her posts. It is her initial step into non monogamy and you are advising her to just tell him if he can';t accept it they'll just go their separate ways. On the basis on her limited experience in this lifestyle how are you all so convinced she is wired POLY or that as a few have sensibly said this is the excitement of a new relationship. And I guess it does not matter what the boyfriend love of her life can help out with or what guarantees she has that he will even be around if she tells him she is all his.

Or have any of you thought about that depending on the laws in her country she might be subject to the husband taking her kids from her as an unfit mother once he easily proves she is committing what most courts will call adultery once he ends the poly experiment. I guess none of that matters as long as the sacred alter of poly is upheld.

Unbelievable that you all put her needs before her responsibility as a mother.
I missed that bit, about the international thing. BUT...my reason still stands their marriage issue is whether she wants to be poly or can be happy being mono, regardless of this guy. she shouldn't do it for the guy, either of them.
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  #34  
Old 03-10-2014, 08:26 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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If Butch came to me today and said it was him (my legal husband) or Murf. Butch would be told to hit the bricks.

After almost 2 years I have built a life with Murf.
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  #35  
Old 03-10-2014, 08:29 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I don't see how she can't be a responsible mother AND be poly. Many of us do that every day. For many of us, discovering the side of ourselves that is capable of loving others is life changing. You can't put the genie back in the bottle, no matter how hard you try. Suggesting that someone stop being true to themselves for any reason is wrong.

IF her husband can't accept her BEHAVIORS, that is something that can be changed. But if he can't accept her as a PERSON, with her newly discovered sense of self, that will lead to one or both of them resenting the other. Self realization can happen instantaneously or over the course of years. Some people can't handle the realization that their spouse is not the same person that they married - this can be from discovering poly, to getting a new hobby, finding religion, losing religion, changing political beliefs, etc. Sometimes the "new" person and the spouse are incompatible and it is healthier if they accept that. It isn't about choosing one or the other or the "lifestyle", but about choosing to be true to themselves. Part of being true to yourself is accepting the consequences of your behaviors and not accepting the "consequences" of other people's "shoulds".
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  #36  
Old 03-10-2014, 08:32 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
I don't see how she can't be a responsible mother AND be poly. Many of us do that every day. For many of us, discovering the side of ourselves that is capable of loving others is life changing. You can't put the genie back in the bottle, no matter how hard you try. Suggesting that someone stop being true to themselves for any reason is wrong.

IF her husband can't accept her BEHAVIORS, that is something that can be changed. But if he can't accept her as a PERSON, with her newly discovered sense of self, that will lead to one or both of them resenting the other. Self realization can happen instantaneously or over the course of years. Some people can't handle the realization that their spouse is not the same person that they married - this can be from discovering poly, to getting a new hobby, finding religion, losing religion, changing political beliefs, etc. Sometimes the "new" person and the spouse are incompatible and it is healthier if they accept that. It isn't about choosing one or the other or the "lifestyle", but about choosing to be true to themselves. Part of being true to yourself is accepting the consequences of your behaviors and not accepting the "consequences" of other people's "shoulds".
Thank you for putting this so well
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  #37  
Old 03-10-2014, 08:55 PM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Both of the last two posters have projected their experiences and beliefs on to the thread. How you all can be so cinvinced this less the six months ago or eight months ago a lightning bolt hit her and as a person she is now poly for life and a totally new person. Again, her reality experience with this boyfriend amounts to less than probably a month of anything other than SKYPE and phone calls, and on that basis she is a new person. What about some therapy for her to find out really what is going on with her.
No one said you cannot be a good mother and be poly. Tell me how that is possible if you have the potential to wind up without your children in another country. Do any of you have the answers to if they split and she winds up with the kids how she supports them.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Some of you want to attack any one who disagrees. I am probably older than most of you and have been exposed to some form of non monogamy since before some of you were born. I don't believe I have all the answers and just because something is working for you does not mean you do either. The fact is that the OVERWHELMING number of people who enter into poly or swinging or other non monagomous relationships do so for the wrong reasons and do NOT live long term happily ever after.
Hoyams scenerio will play itself out. My guess is she will take your advice and be a single mom because it is what she wants to hear. I think London told her that also. Lets see if she can pay her bills, keep her children safe, and be a happy poly person if she is unable to change her husbands mind and tries to jam this down his throat.
The safer move for her is to if necessary surpress the poly feeling for a little while, and maybe try it again once her husband gets over the way she conducted herself during this initial experiment. No one says it is forever, and this love of her life boyfriend it a totally unknown entity as far as permanance as far as anyone know.
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  #38  
Old 03-10-2014, 09:00 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Sexist much frisky?

Women in this day and age make as much as men or even more than their husbands.

How do you know she would be unable to care for her children solo?

I was a single mom for 7 years and supported my oldest son and myself SOLO in the shadow of Chicago. No child support, gov't assistance, or etc.

I actually make more money than either one of my husbands. I work two jobs actually. I would be just fine if something happened to either one or both.
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  #39  
Old 03-10-2014, 09:16 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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friskyone4u - It sounds like you are projecting onto the OP and assuming that she'd just leave her kids and country for her boyfriend. As sexist as it sounds, most countries will give custody to the mother regardless of who's fault a divorce is. I have witnessed this many times with friend's going through divorce. A friend of mine even had his wife come to him after 2 years of marriage and say that they were now in an open marriage. Five months later, she was pregnant with the other man's child. Not only does he have to pay for the divorce, but she got custody - he gets their daughter (now 6) 2 days a week and he pays child support. His cheating wife got pregnant twice by the other guy before the courts would approve a divorce. His ex-wife is a stay at home mom and her new guy doesn't have a job. My friend lost his job and has to pay all of his unemployment to his ex-wife to support her and their daughter (but in reality her entire new family).

Seems like she made out pretty well in my opinion. Mind you, my friend would have been fine with poly (and is now poly) if only his ex-wife would have discussed it with him before cheating and getting pregnant. It was the lies and expecting him to bail her out of bad situations she got into with guys that made him end it.
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  #40  
Old 03-10-2014, 09:19 PM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Dagferi

No I am not sexist. You made my point. Do you know if she makes more than her husband? I don't from what she has posted. If she does that is great, and opens up many more options because it eliminates any worry about taking care of her kids. Then whatever she wants she can have. But until you know that is the case advice should be tempered with some caution. No one on this thread has enough information on Hoyams circumstances to be telling her to let her husband go because after one boyfriend she is POLY for life and hard wired to be that way forever. All we know is that she is madly in love (you can call it that if you want to) with a guy that 99% of the people on earth would call a fling. You and your partners probably spend more time together in a month than they have during their entire adventure.

So I'll say it again to clarify. POLY MOMs can be GREAT mothers. Not if they lose their kids or can't support them. And until that is confirmend that she can, the children come FIRST.
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