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  #21  
Old 03-09-2014, 03:28 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by Eclipse View Post
Would I be able to follow my own advice?

Jesus... the only thing I can hope is I never have to answer that. Curls and Freckles are my world. I can't see any scenario where things can go that bad, and I hope that I never do. However, I have been married to Curls for fifteen years and we have three daughters. If she told me tomorrow that I had to choose, I would choose her. It would be a horrific decision to make and I would never completely forgive her for putting me in such a position, but we have kids together and we have a very long history together whereas my history with Freckles is comparatively short. I recognize that as our relationship grows and matures, things will become more muddy in this respect, but for right now I would make the hard decision to switch things back to the way they were.

I'm so sorry you are in the position, and I hope that you can pull things through.
First off, let me say, it sounds like the three of you are in a good place and that's awesome. In all truthfulness, I am a bit envious. However, having been "Freckles" in a triad that didn't work, let me say if my guy had informed me that I had been so disposable in the event wifey became unhappy, there would have been no triad. I get that you know it would hurt like hell to dump Freckles, but you obviously have no freaking clue as to what it is like to be the person who is sacrificed. Being the only male in the triad, you will never be in that position, but try to picture yourself in a triad where you are one of two guys and disposable.

In my case, although wife did give him ultimatums, my guy refused to choose. He understood I was a live human being with genuine feelings and felt responsible and guilty as hell for inviting me into situation that turned to crap. That said, the situation was becoming untenable, and eventually, the wife did her own dirty work and asked me to leave.

Fast forward, a year after I left and two marriage counselor's later, the separated and are in the process of divorce, in spite of two children. Why? Not because of me - although wife likes to blame me - but because she wouldn't own her choices and behavior, couldn't understand why he couldn't simply unlove me, as if it was as easy as flipping a switch, and refused to communicate in order to reach any kind of mutual understanding. Apparently, she had a history of not owning choices and behavior, and not communicating before I ever entered the picture. Couldn't do it to save her marriage either.

And in case you are wondering, they have been separated over a year, and while he and I are slowly rebuilding our relationship, we live in separate cities and see each other about once per month. We both have had a lot of grief to digest, and right now, his main focus are his kids - as it should be.

But I will reiterate, if he had ever acquiesced to her ultimatum, there would be no relationship rebuilding at this point.

I hope Freckles knows that your choice is already predetermined if this scenario should arise.
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  #22  
Old 03-09-2014, 06:40 PM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Default Husband wans me to choose

Hoyam

You should go back and read Londons post a few more times. She hit it exactly right. I hate to break the news to you but you have NOT been in a poly relationship at all for the last 6-8 months. You have been in a poly-mono relationship where out of love for you your husband has gone along with your choices in order to try to make you happy. We have no information to suggest the poly thing was his idea at all.

No one is making any choices, Quite franknly you are going to make the choice between the father of your children, your future as you stated, and a guy in another country that it appears you have spend a few weeks with and a week vacation. Instead of being mad or resentful of your husband, you should be grateful that he has cared about you enough to explore this, which you apparantly did at such a rapid pace that in a very short time he finds himself on an equal footing with a stranger.

If you choose your husband, you might want to consider a therapist for you, not a poly friendly therapist to try to convince your husband to keep enduring the pain he is feeling, since I am guessing your husband is going to want all the skyping and phone calls to stop because if that continues you will surely choose to go cheat at some point.

And before this boyfriend comes across as Prince Charming or Sir Lancelot the knight in shining armor, have you asked him if he is willing to move you to his country, help or support you, and take in your children. Right now he has none of the pain, and all of the benefits (skyping, probably phone sex, validation of how great he is, and intimacy with you physically), without any of the responsibilities of your kids. And your kids that you brought into this world are not posting on this forum. And being a mom sometimes means you do not get everything you want, especially if some or all of it was caused by the way you pursued this relationship.

Again, as London stated, you do not like what is happening. But no one is making the choices for you
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  #23  
Old 03-09-2014, 08:20 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Right now your boyfriend is exciting.. Like another poster has said he is all the fun without the work that comes with a full time relationship. Basically he is like a vacation. With the boyfriend you probably have no responsibilities that come with adult life.

That fades...

If after going through some difficult situations with your boyfriend if you still feel the same way then maybe it would be time to move on.
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  #24  
Old 03-10-2014, 01:21 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I just wish i could be a loving mother and wife in my family and am able to enjoy the love i get and give to another sweet beautiful kind of love with my new found love.
You are not the only person in the polyship. The other 2 players have honestly told you what they want.
  • Husband -- gave it a shot, not for him if it keeps on like this. So... he's letting you know where he stands.
  • BF -- gave it a shot. Doesn't want to be tangled in the potential break up of a marriage, so he's bowing out to let y'all solve that first.

It's not what you want to hear, but they are being honest.

If husband's main objections were poly hell related and behaviors like
  • Stop texting with boyfriend while husband is right there
  • start spending equal time with husband and bf rather than mostly bf because he's the newbie
  • Stick to budget -- stop spending so much money on intercontinental calls because too impatient to wait for BF to get on skype

Sounds like husband wants you to be PRESENT when with him. Sound fair to me. Not much fun if your body is here with hubby but your head and heart are floating off elsewhere.

How has it been so far now that you are trying to better balance your time management as a hinge paying attention to two partners? I notice that you did not answer what makes you feel "alive" or "passionate" with husband.

Galagirl
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  #25  
Old 03-10-2014, 03:05 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Just because your partner says you "have to choose" doesn't mean you have to. You tell them right back, "I won't choose." His issues are his own and he has to deal with them from the inside. Glad you found a poly-friendly therapist.
agree with NYC. When I presented poly to my spouse, I told him I wouldn't not choose between him, and my boyfriend (became my boyfriend). If my husband decided to go mono, or my boyfriend for that matter, they know I AM poly. That is THEIR choice, it would be awful if my spouse left (we also have three kids and I love him dearly). But I can not force something I am not just to make him stay.

also "choosing" will only leave you heartbroken. you give up BF, husband is going to get someone sad and broken hearted
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  #26  
Old 03-10-2014, 04:02 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Your husband told you what he can no longer do or be part of; a poly marriage. He has not issued an ultimatum like leave him, or I will divorce you, right? He has simply reached his limit and knows that it is not for him. Let him make the best decision for himself. If he leaves, that is his right. He wants something you cannot give him. If he stays, he might start resenting you if things do not change.

If it is a matter of your conduct, that is still questionable. Would you be changing said conduct because you sincerely want to or because you think it will temporarily dissuade his dislike of things and enable you to keep both of them around? If he feels like you only feel obligated to be present, that will not help anything.

Tough spot, but at the end of the day, he should do what he feels is best and necessary for him to be happy. It may be the unpopular opinion because it takes the "choice" away from you, but life is too short to be miserable. I hope it works out for you all.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 03-10-2014 at 07:18 PM.
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  #27  
Old 03-10-2014, 04:18 PM
london london is offline
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Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
agree with NYC. When I presented poly to my spouse, I told him I wouldn't not choose between him, and my boyfriend (became my boyfriend). If my husband decided to go mono, or my boyfriend for that matter, they know I AM poly. That is THEIR choice, it would be awful if my spouse left (we also have three kids and I love him dearly). But I can not force something I am not just to make him stay.

also "choosing" will only leave you heartbroken. you give up BF, husband is going to get someone sad and broken hearted
You'd both be making a choice. You'd be choosing your other partner and/or having polyamorous relationships, with or without your husband, and he would be choosing monogamy. Refusal to make the choice out loud and continuing all relationships is choosing polyamory. I'm not saying polyamory is a bad choice, obviously, but let's be honest about the fact the poly person chooses too. They choose not to practice or revert back to monogamy.
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  #28  
Old 03-10-2014, 04:32 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
You'd both be making a choice. You'd be choosing your other partner and/or having polyamorous relationships, with or without your husband, and he would be choosing monogamy. Refusal to make the choice out loud and continuing all relationships is choosing polyamory. I'm not saying polyamory is a bad choice, obviously, but let's be honest about the fact the poly person chooses too. They choose not to practice or revert back to monogamy.
agreed, I chose poly. J. threatened to divorce me, I told him that was his choice but I wanted him to stay. He stayed, I was lucky. I love them both dearly and could never "choose" one man over the other. poly over mono yes, it feels like a different question to me
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  #29  
Old 03-10-2014, 04:33 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
You are not the only person in the polyship. The other 2 players have honestly told you what they want.
  • Husband -- gave it a shot, not for him if it keeps on like this. So... he's letting you know where he stands.
  • BF -- gave it a shot. Doesn't want to be tangled in the potential break up of a marriage, so he's bowing out to let y'all solve that first.

It's not what you want to hear, but they are being honest.

If husband's main objections were poly hell related and behaviors like
  • Stop texting with boyfriend while husband is right there
  • start spending equal time with husband and bf rather than mostly bf because he's the newbie
  • Stick to budget -- stop spending so much money on intercontinental calls because too impatient to wait for BF to get on skype

Sounds like husband wants you to be PRESENT when with him. Sound fair to me. Not much fun if your body is here with hubby but your head and heart are floating off elsewhere.

How has it been so far now that you are trying to better balance your time management as a hinge paying attention to two partners? I notice that you did not answer what makes you feel "alive" or "passionate" with husband.

Galagirl
I agree with this stuff too. Having basically co-primaries, which I do, is hard work. I want them to BOTH feel fully satisfied, fully connected with me, and getting what they need out of the relationship with me. If I let one slip trhere is talking to do
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  #30  
Old 03-10-2014, 06:24 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I choose poly over mono. Actually-Maca and I were discussing this the other night. Because of a messy scenario with GG.
I love them both.
But if one leaves, that doesn't change that I am poly.
I don't agree to "commit to monogamy" as a default if one of them leaves the picture.

Maca did at one point tell me it was him or GG. I told him I love him-I will always love him. But I will not play that game. HE could leave if he chose, and I will respect HIS choice to do what HE needs to do. (he did leave for almost a year).
In the long run-he decided that it was a better life for him, to have me in it. So he returned and the door was open for him. Because I DO love him.
LIkewise, GG can leave. He has that freedom and so do I. We all have choosen to remain; for different reasons.
GG is mono. Maca is not mono but not inclined to deal with the drama that goes with trying to go out and date-yet. He's getting there, but he's not quite there. I am poly and I don't date.


You have to understand; YOU don't have to choose BETWEEN loving each of them. But you DO NOT get to choose if either of them stays or leaves. That is THEIR choice. Not yours. Your choice is to remain available to each or not.
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