Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-12-2014, 11:05 PM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 49
Default Gf wants exclusive rights to my bed.

My gf and I have been going through some transitions lately.

A little back story... I've been w my bf for 7 yrs and gf for 3. I've posted about it here before but.. About 2 yrs into my relationship w my gf I went through some changes w bf and we had a non sexual relationship for a few months. When I wanted to ease back into being physical w him, my gf freaked out and gave me an ultimatum of having sex w him or staying w her. I agreed to help her work on her jealousy.

Things didn't progress in the way I would've liked them to and we went months w o much getting resolved. Finally last dec I decided I wanted control over my sex life back and told her I couldn't agree w that restraint any more. We got through it and she decided she could live w that. I decided I never want to agree to rules that don't align with making me feel respected and true to myself. That only led to resentment.

During all this and over the past year I've been realizing there were a lot of personal boundaries I let slide once I got together w her and my spirit has been pushing me to be free. I need to be honest w myself and my lovers. I've been sharing these things as I learn them about myself. I realized I need space and freedom as part of my personality and to further my spiritual and personal growth, as well as to be able to grow closer to my lovers.

My gf and I have been living together for the past 2 yrs. It's been great, but has also put on hold the ability for us to have as much autonomy and independence. Also didn't allow for me to spend as much time w my bf, and allowed no time for spontaneity w him and definitely no over nights for us at my place. Gf even said no sexual contact w anyone but her in our house at all. I wanted her to feel comfortable in her own home so I agreed to it, but I knew it wouldn't work out like that in the long run.

About a month ago we decided together it would be for the best for her to move out (I pay 3/4 of the rent/bills so that's why I wouldn't move out instead) for these reasons. She agreed it's important for us to each gain our independence and that this would hopefully allow us to spend more quality time together. Among other positive reasons.

She is moving in with her best friend who conveniently just had a room open at her house. The reason I'm posting here is bc she came to me with her "condition" for "making this sacrifice" "for me" that I just don't know how to feel about. She wants my room to essentially still be *our* room and not let anyone else sleep or be intimate with me in "our" bed (which was mine for years before we moved in together.) Meaning whenever my bf sleeps over we'd have to pull out the futon in the basement or something. Kinda defeats the purpose of me being able to spend more intimate time w him like that in my own house. It's not like I'm some sex fiend any way so we're not just "waiting for her to get out" so we can fuck everywhere all the time.... Nothing like that at *all.* I just want to have a normal relationship w him and make my own decisions. I need that. But it's this or nothing at all for her. She's absolutely not willing to budge. But this is one of those things that just makes me feel controlled and I can't wrap my head around it.

I told her I'm more than willing to sleep at her house if it's such a big deal that I might have sex w my boyfriend once in a while in my own bedroom. Her new place is 5 min from mine. It's not that outrageous for us to go there. But she says she won't feel welcome here at all if I don't agree to this and doesn't see a future for us if she feels that way.

Am I really that insensitive or is this a little over the top? I'm trying to understand but I don't see what our options are for us to both feel respected.... I feel through out our relationship she has constantly put up these very strict particular conditions to keep some form of control over me and our relationship. I understand her being scared or insecure but I work hard at giving her everything she tells me she needs and showing her how much I love her. I really try to make her feel secure and safe with me. It just feels like it always comes down to one more thing I'm doing to "be selfish" so I just keep coming up short.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2014, 11:08 PM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

You've been here several times. You've tried really hard and it still isn't working. Really, just give it up. You both can't be happy together.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2014, 11:21 PM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 49

I'm sure you're sick of hearing from me but I really do have a connection with this girl. We love each other. And things always settle after we come to a conclusion together. I thought having some space would help her see it's okay to not have as much control over me and my time and show her I love her and she can feel secure even if our lives aren't intertwined 24/7.

And you know if it doesn't work out how we'd both imagined it, I'd rather our relationship just take on a new form where we can still share our love but she doesn't have to feel resentment or control or fear over these things. Wishful thinking I suppose. But I'm just trying to be honest. All I want to do is love her and experience life together. I'm not the kind of person who wants to just end it when we have so much love and goodness between us. There are just these things that boggle me.. I don't want to give up on her. I just need clarity and another perspective. I do think with space and time the clarity will come naturally, regardless of the outcome.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2014, 11:39 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,329

I could be wrong but you seem anxious to me. I am sorry you are struggling.

You state maintaining an off limits bed and bedroom at you place is not practical for you. You have offered to go to her place. So you are trying here.

You could offer to go buy special "just ours" bedding/quilt at your place. That is manageable and realistic. See if that works as "good enough compromise" for her. Otherwise say "Nope, cannot agree to that" and BE OK letting her deal with her feelings about it.

I told her I'm more than willing to sleep at her house if it's such a big deal that I might have sex w my boyfriend once in a while in my own bedroom. Her new place is 5 min from mine. It's not that outrageous for us to go there. But she says she won't feel welcome here at all if I don't agree to this and doesn't see a future for us if she feels that way.
Fair enough. At this time, she reports she feels that way. At a later time, she could feel something else. Don't sweat this so much. Let her own her feelings and you be willing for time to pass. Her feelings could change. No need to get all anxious about it being what it is for her at this time.

If that's where she chooses to take it at this time, that's where SHE chooses to take it. That's not where YOU take it -- you are trying to work something out, be welcoming, etc within reason. You could remember that because it helps tame your own anxiousness.

You can't argue her feelings because you do not control her feelings. You CAN talk about your welcoming behavior done/not done because you do your behaviors. You are making reasonable effort. Could call it a success on your end! That helps you tame your own anxiousness.

I think if you get a special bedding/quilt that is "you and hers" your BF won't mind, it is bedding YOU can enjoy too, and it is another reasonable, affordable welcoming effort on your part that you CAN do right now. That helps you tame your own anxiousness.

If she chooses to overlook your efforts to move it forward (being willing to come to her place, cannot do bed but did get new bedding, etc)?
If she chooses to to focus on her desire to dwell in yucky feelings that keeps it in the stuck? ("I'm not getting what I want the way I want it," ignore your efforts, etc.) You could recognize that is HER keeping her in the yucky, not you. Hopefully this helps tame your own anxiousness.

I mean this kindly, but firmly: Tame your anxiousness.

Keep it simple with her and don't get sucked into circle conversation about her emotions/anxieties. I noticed you guys end up doing this in past threads. It seems to lead to a feedback loop where you both end up anxious and triggering each other to higher levels of anxiety/ugh.

Could try something new this time -- just skip it! Let her own her feelings, you step aside and tame your anxiousness. So at least YOU don't have to be as anxious as in the past.

If she wants to cover jealousy, you guys could do that conversation with links like these:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf (esp page 5 and 6)

And things always settle after we come to a conclusion together.
If past experience tells you so, then remember to focus on that to help tame your own anxiousness in a transitional time. Just keep moving it forward. Could focus on aligning your behaviors to match this desired outcome:

I thought having some space would help her see it's okay to not have as much control over me and my time and show her I love her and she can feel secure even if our lives aren't intertwined 24/7.
Could give the space, become less intertwined, let time pass, things settle, continue to love her and let her experience her feelings through the change. Let both of you discover... lack of doom! It will be ok however it turns out -- whether you keep dating but agree not living together is way healthier. Or you stop dating and agree to be friends. You both could handle this.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-13-2014 at 02:45 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2014, 11:41 PM
SouthernGal's Avatar
SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Mobile, AL
Posts: 87

Stop questioning whether you're being unreasonable. That's pointless. She has every right to ask you to do something and you have every right to say no. No one is being unreasonable. You know theconsequences if saying no: she says it's over. You can respect that, right? Some people can be poly all day long for themselves but can't cope with their SO being poly. Whether this is blackmail, an ultimatum, or just a brutally honest request and consequence, it's now up to you to decide whether now is the time to bow out or if you think it's a request you think you can meet. It sounds like it's not. No point in blaming, pointing fingers, or being resentful. Decide whether you are willing to let someone else tell you who can sleep in your bed or not, then just be honest and let her make her own decision whether to stay or go. For my part, I'd tell her that I'm sorry we can't meet in the midde on this and will miss her, but I think she needs to find a partner that can and will give her the lifestyle she needs. Don't be ugly, and it's okay to mourn the relationship, but be firm and honest with yourself AND her. Good luck.
Me - Mostly mono female, 39 yrs old, married to Leo.
Leo - Poly bi-sexual male, 37 years old. Married to me and looking.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2014, 11:43 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 12,383

It's up to you of course, but my first thought is that I'd tell gf, "I can't promise to give you exclusive rights to my bed. I hope that doesn't mean that we're through, but I have to be fair towards all three of us." I mean, you said that you feel like your gf is always trying to control you. Either she needs to stop doing that, or she needs to learn which requests are reasonable and which demands are unreasonable.

I know breaking up is a horrible thing to have to do, so I don't think it's my place to tell you to take that chance. I only mean the above paragraph to describe the first reaction that came into my mind. If you feel that your gf is worth the kinds of demands she makes, then I guess you should continue to meet her demands however possible. Visualize pulling out that futon and ask yourself if that's something you can live with.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Old 03-13-2014, 12:28 AM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,636

I would tell her hug a root. It is MY bed paid for by me. I will sleep with whomever I want to in it.

Hell you have been with your BF 7 years. What about his wants and needs.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-13-2014, 12:42 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

It feels controlling because it is.

I would try Gala Girl's suggestion.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-13-2014, 01:39 AM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Crazytown USA
Posts: 1,885

Maybe an air mattress for you and her only?
Reply With Quote
Old 03-13-2014, 02:16 AM
graviton's Avatar
graviton graviton is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 317

This is what I am hearing: blah blah blah my girlfriend is controlling controlling controlling controlling controlling I finally got her out of my house to remove some of the controlling from my life and now she is controlling me from afar blah blah blah.
You already got her out of your house why not just take that one step further and get her out of your life? I'm sorry if I sound so callous but she is being unrealistic. How about just offering to change the sheets whenever you know she is coming over?
Reply With Quote

bed, living together, moving out, sleeping arrangements, sleepovers

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 08:11 PM.