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  #11  
Old 03-08-2014, 03:15 AM
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Just ask yourself if you feel respected, valued, and heard in your relationship, and whether or not you are comfortable with someone who is not part of your relationship calling the shots. If not, ask for what you want or bail. Simple.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-08-2014 at 03:18 AM.
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  #12  
Old 03-08-2014, 03:26 AM
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Do you put limits on how often they can see their partners?

No when I started seeing Murf Butch never had a say on the time I spent with Murf.

As long as the children and pets are taken care I.. There needs come first.

Or when they can see each other?

No as long a my kids have supervision, or because we are into year #2, they come along. No there is no time restriction. I spend as close to a 50/50 split a possible.

Or do you put limits on how their physical relationship can progress?

Nope had sex with Murf on our second official date.

If my men were poly the rules would be the same.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #13  
Old 03-08-2014, 06:55 AM
london london is offline
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Is very likely that this is a new couple opening up and there are the usual mono normative fears and insecurities. However, what you have to consider is whether the wife is trying to control something that is actually a flaw in how he behaves in non monogamous relationships. Maybe he rushes into relationships with inappropriate people and the resulting negativity leaks into his existing relationship(s). Maybe he gets so caught up with anything new that he neglects his other partner(s). Maybe he's a really bad judge of character.

When couples employ these sorts of rules, it does usually mean any "secondary" partner will find themselves not having total control over their own relationship and it's easy to think the person who needs and sets the rule is the bad person. Sometimes, this is your warning about the person you're dating though. It's a look into the future.

When I'm insecure in a relationship, the idea of setting rules is extremely tempting.
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  #14  
Old 03-08-2014, 07:20 AM
Eclipse Eclipse is offline
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My triad deals with things differently depending on whether or not it's a sexual or non-sexual outside relationship. Any of us are allowed to leave for the night whenever we feel like provided it's not causing a problem or putting an unnecessary burden on the other two. We are really big on being respectful to each other, so this has never been a serious problem.

Sexual contact is different. All three of us can exercise veto power over any relationship. If Freckles or Curls don't like someone I'm hooking up with, they can end that relationship, and same with either of them. Now, we have never reached a point that anyone has HAD to use that power, normally if there is a problem, the three of us will sit down and discuss it. Often this discussion will result in the severing of a relationship that is problematic, or it will result in the anxious person being put at ease. Aside from that, our rules are straightforward... always use protection in any sexual contact outside the triad, and be home before daylight.

One thing I have noticed is that the ability to exert control makes that control less likely to be used. What I mean is that having that safety net is often enough to calm the nerves of the partner who feels territorial or threatened.
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  #15  
Old 03-08-2014, 01:54 PM
newpoli newpoli is offline
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Thanks for the advice everyone. I guess I need to do a little more thinking. I do feel very loved, safe and secure in my relationship with Z. Maybe I just need to let go of being so worried.
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  #16  
Old 03-08-2014, 02:33 PM
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For me personally, time management issues aren't as much of a problem as any kind of restriction on what I can do physically or emotionally with someone. For example, if I'm dating a married guy with kids, I know that my time with him will be limited. As long as I don't see a pattern of dates being moved around, promises broken, or unreasonable demands being made by the wife that all look like sabotage, I'd be fine with seeing a guy twice a week. In fact, that seems really fair to me, as long as my scheduling needs are given equal consideration and not treated as less important, but I probably wouldn't want to see anyone more often than that anyway.

However, where I draw the line is any kind of rule or pronouncements that say what I can or cannot do with my body or emotions. Wifey won't "let" me fuck her husband? Wifey freaks out if I tell him I am developing deeper feelings for him? Wifey has veto power (the height of disrespectful practices)? Yes, big red flags! Obviously, she's either not ready to accept what poly is, doesn't trust her husband, feels she owns him, is super insecure, or really isn't fully consenting. I don't need that drama in my life. No one who isn't part of my relationship gets to dictate what I can or cannot do with my body or emotions.

Best thing to do, and it's usually better to do this before starting a relationship (but it's not too late for you!), is to figure out what your own personal boundaries are and ask what boundaries or agreements a poly person you're interested in has with any of their other lovers or partners that could affect you. Make your personal boundaries known and tell the potential that they must be respected. If you feel his other agreements would impinge your ability to be happy and satisfied in a relationship with him, either negotiate or walk away - but never lay down and be their doormat!
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-08-2014 at 02:42 PM.
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  #17  
Old 03-09-2014, 09:22 AM
happytovee happytovee is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newpoli View Post
Do you put limits on how often they can see their partners? Or when they can see each other? Or do you put limits on how their physical relationship can progress? I'm trying determine if I'm just reacting poorly to my circumstances because I am inexperienced or if there's something else going on that should be raising red flags for me.
I'm in a vee with a married couple; he's the hinge. No one limits time but distance and finances do unfortunately. No limits on each others' physical relationships other than don't risk our safety by having unsafe sex outside our vee (which no one does anyway; we're happily closed).
Quote:
Originally Posted by newpoli View Post
Thanks for the advice everyone. I guess I need to do a little more thinking. I do feel very loved, safe and secure in my relationship with Z. Maybe I just need to let go of being so worried.
What are you worried about specifically?
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  #18  
Old 03-10-2014, 12:36 AM
newpoli newpoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by happytovee View Post

What are you worried about specifically?
I am most worried that I will never have a say in my own relationship. That it will always be overshadowed by what his partner wants. He fights for me when he knows that I need or want something, but the fact that he has to fight for it at all upsets me
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  #19  
Old 03-10-2014, 05:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newpoli View Post
I am most worried that I will never have a say in my own relationship. That it will always be overshadowed by what his partner wants. He fights for me when he knows that I need or want something, but the fact that he has to fight for it at all upsets me
Well, first of all, there really isn't anything we can control in life. We can discipline ourselves and keep our promises, but we can't control other people nor what life brings us.

That being said, you absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, have a say in your relationship! If you do not feel that you have a say, then why would you even be in that relationship? Take a look at what you are allowing to happen that is keeping you from having a say. It is up to you!

If you read these boards a bit, you will likely come across some references to the term "agency," which is basically the capacity each of us has to act independently and make our own free choices. You are your own free agent and no one limits you in our relationships unless you let them. Even married people have agency - a couple is made up of two individuals, after all.

The problem with many people new to poly is, they think that they are supposed to go along with crap they wouldn't normally put up with in mono relationships just because they think they don't have a right to question it nor expect anything different. People come here and say, "Is this allowed in poly?" as if there is some great rule book in the sky that decrees poly relationships must be a certain way and you better go along with it even if alarm bells are going off in your head and you know something isn't right. Ugh!

But, I ask again... do you feel valued? Do you feel respected? Do you feel your concerns are heard and acknowledged, or are they dismissed? Are promises made and not kept? Is a third person not involved with you dictating terms for how you can be in your relationship? For most solos (unattached polyfolk), that is unacceptable! Why should his relationship with her be treated as more important than his relationship with you? Love relationships are no place to have second-class citizens. That is not very loving.

If you were in a monogamous relationship with this guy, and he had a sister, would you let his sister determine what you can and cannot do with him? I doubt it! Just because he is married and poly, why allow his wife to call the shots for what you can and cannot do with him? It's only acceptable if that is something you feel perfectly comfortable with - but it is obvious you are not. If they have terms for how things can go, so should you! Develop your own boundaries, state what they are, and tell them what is negotiable and non-negotiable. If, for example, you don't feel comfortable going to his place for a date, don't. Have him over to your place.

If you can't be in a relationship with someone who isn't "allowed" to have an overnight (or rather, allowing his wife to dictate the terms) at your place, then step back from your involvement and say you won't accept that. Wanting to wake up with a lover is a perfectly acceptable desire - no one wants to feel like a dirty secret or mistress because the guy is always leaving before the sun comes up, and you're lying there in sticky sheets thinking, "Well, that felt good, but this sucks."

It sounds like she is fearful, insecure, and has him by the balls - and he isn't fully comprehending that he can exercise his own agency and stand up for his relationship with you to progress naturally according to what the two of you need/want/desire. It's sad that he always has to battle with her for that - she's not his mommy. You've only been seeing him a short time, so of course you are still getting to know him, but seriously, if you express your needs and they are continually postponed or brushed off, why stay? When the scales are more often tipped towards unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and sadness than connection, fulfillment, and fun, something isn't working.

If you feel you do not have a voice in your own relationship, any relationship -- doesn't matter whether poly or mono -- it's up to you to speak up for yourself and make a choice about whether or not you will continue to put up with bullshit. If he can't give you the basics you want, and the dynamic has you all tied up in knots and feeling shitty, this relationship is probably not for you. You can't just sit around and hope that this guy you're seeing goes begging for his wife to toss some crumbs your way, when what you really want (and totally deserve) in a relationship is a four-course meal.
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The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 03-10-2014 at 05:34 AM.
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  #20  
Old 03-10-2014, 06:33 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I think Nyc summed up all my thoughts.

I was reading hers, as a "wife", thinking "EWE! What does that have to do with me and why do I need to have anything to do with it?" LOL

Realistically-I expect Maca to NOT "have to fight with me" over scheduling.
We have a calendar on the wall. He knows when our anniversary is, my birthday, the kids birthdays etc. The calendar covers my school hours, doctor appoints for everyone, special events.

This weekend, was my birthday. He doesn't currently have a girlfriend. But if he did, I wouldn't be impressed if he opted to make plans to go spend a weekend off with her and miss my birthday. BUT I would expect that since we planned a social event and invited extended family and friends to a public venue, that he would have included a girlfriend in the invitation.

I think there's a lot to be said for realizing that segregation is totally ok, but it does reduce time availability. Whereas integration (at least for SOCIAL events) increases time availability for everyone.
Finding "free to fuck" time is hard regardless if there's work and kids etc. But social time?

My only two cents on what sexual behaviors he's doing with someone else-is using agreed to safer sex practices (which includes ensuring that they know the risks coming TO them, not just considering FROM them) & not in my bed. There are extra beds in the house and hotels abound. My room is my room and I'm not inclined to date/fuck the same people he does; so they don't need to be doing it with me or in my space (which would then mean me finding another place to be).
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