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  #71  
Old 03-26-2014, 11:35 PM
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Smiles Smiles is offline
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PBN-

Does your bf have family...parents...siblings...close Friends?
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  #72  
Old 03-27-2014, 12:49 PM
polybynature polybynature is offline
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Originally Posted by Smiles View Post
PBN-

Does your bf have family...parents...siblings...close Friends?
well he has a couple siblings, one is being very supportive and that seems to be helping and the other doesn't know anything yet. he needs more close friends, I think drawing closer to my spouse has been helping
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  #73  
Old 03-27-2014, 04:06 PM
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The wife is still his best friend. I know that seems crazy...He won't leave her until he feels confident that he has a new best female friend...

I am assuming he is Mr. Nice guy any most women may feel "safe" with him...
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  #74  
Old 04-15-2014, 05:37 PM
polybynature polybynature is offline
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update on the latest in this mess....I cant really deal with him being with her anymore. the secrecy of people we are around not knowing we are together and they are not, and treating them like a couple to my face. Seeing her and having her treat him poorly, and him crumble. its awful to watch, and if they do reconcile I wont stay with him...he knows this, and I suppose that's my choice. He wants me to try to like her...but we are well beyond that, I don't just not like her, I don't like him with her.
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  #75  
Old 04-15-2014, 06:09 PM
Spiritowl Spiritowl is offline
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Forgive me for not reading all the replies before making my own lol

My guy is married and living with his wife. They have been married for 16 years.
They also have their own rooms (hers being the living room since she allowed the master bedroom to become a disgusting cluttered mess) he has a futon in their spare room and keeps his areas clean. This is one of the most annoying aspects of them still living as married.

He goes out of his way to do everything for her. He rarely complains unless it interferes with our time.

He feels indebted to her.

Financially and emotionally.

At some times he says he will leave or he has had enough or the next issue will be the last straw. But the bottom line is he is he cares for her even if she is being the most ridiculous person imaginable. Lol

I can see your situation effects your relationship. The most trouble I have with her is just wishing she could be cleaner. He handles her well even though I think she is terrible. Perhaps she needs him.

Weighing your relationship against the possible continuation of his current situation is key. I have decided even in the eventual my lover remains married to this woman thay what we have to worth the issues I deal with concerning her.
It takes a lot of respect and trust that he has his end under control.

If that respect and trust is fading for you it might be time to rethink for sure.
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  #76  
Old 04-15-2014, 06:14 PM
polybynature polybynature is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spiritowl View Post
Forgive me for not reading all the replies before making my own lol

My guy is married and living with his wife. They have been married for 16 years.
They also have their own rooms (hers being the living room since she allowed the master bedroom to become a disgusting cluttered mess) he has a futon in their spare room and keeps his areas clean. This is one of the most annoying aspects of them still living as married.

He goes out of his way to do everything for her. He rarely complains unless it interferes with our time.

He feels indebted to her.

Financially and emotionally.

At some times he says he will leave or he has had enough or the next issue will be the last straw. But the bottom line is he is he cares for her even if she is being the most ridiculous person imaginable. Lol

I can see your situation effects your relationship. The most trouble I have with her is just wishing she could be cleaner. He handles her well even though I think she is terrible. Perhaps she needs him.

Weighing your relationship against the possible continuation of his current situation is key. I have decided even in the eventual my lover remains married to this woman thay what we have to worth the issues I deal with concerning her.
It takes a lot of respect and trust that he has his end under control.

If that respect and trust is fading for you it might be time to rethink for sure.
Thanks for your input Im curious...Does he talk about her to you? and involved you in anything like say...."we can leave for dinner in 30 minutes, but first we have to do XYZ" for Sally? Do people know they are apart? Do you have to spend any time with her? (that's the worst part, our social circles cross and he doesn't see a problem with this, where I do because last time it happened we both ended up mad at him)
I guess im looking for a little perspective, sometimes its hard to know when im right or overly emotional.
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  #77  
Old 04-15-2014, 06:23 PM
Spiritowl Spiritowl is offline
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When my lover's wife admitted to an affAir is when they 'opened up'. He allowed her to work through all her emotions with this other guy with him! He listened to her cry when the guy finally hurt her and left her. He is just a super caring person... She comes from a family of women who are anything but independent and her in her 40s I think he is just ready to be her help meet for the long haul.
Some.people have it in them and remain strong. Some don't. You are doing well to get info and look for a solution! If it's break I wish you strength!
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  #78  
Old 04-16-2014, 01:59 PM
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So Poly... You're making him choose?

Something is keeping him attached to his wife...Maybe he feels he would be lost without her...Maybe he doesn't want a messy Divorce. Maybe he likes the idea of being married, especially bathing their circle of friends...

I know for me and for my business, I feel I am doing better because I am a married man..I also enjoy our circle of friends. I don't want our mutual friends to pick sides.That may not be the case with your bf...

I get a feeling that he may R with his wife and she may not want an open marriage anymore. His wife may make that decision for you...

Somehow, his unloving wife is dangling a carrot in front of him....just until he leaves you and soon she will be back to her old self...

Just my gut feeling...

You are giving me something to think about for myself when a poly type relationship comes my way...I don't know if I would be able to chose. He seems to want to be somebody's primary...As of now, he may not feel he is anybody's primary...
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  #79  
Old 04-16-2014, 05:04 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polybynature View Post
I cant really deal with him being with her anymore . . . if they do reconcile I wont stay with him . . .
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smiles View Post
So Poly... You're making him choose?
No, she is not "making him" do anything. How can anyone "make" a grown person do something, anyway? Each of them are making choices for their own lives as they see fit. She is choosing for herself what she will or will not have or condone in her own life. She does not have to accept his choices for herself, nor sit idly by if his choices affect her negatively. He can continue the relationship he has with his wife if he wants to, but PBN has stood up for herself. She knows she will not stick around if that happens and has made that clear to him. Big difference between that and issuing an ultimatum or "making him" do something. He has a choice as well.

PBN, good for you! You have chosen a path that is healthier for you, and that is all any of us can do.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #80  
Old 04-16-2014, 05:53 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
No, she is not "making him" do anything. How can anyone "make" a grown person do something, anyway? Each of them are making choices for their own lives as they see fit. She is choosing for herself what she will or will not have or condone in her own life. She does not have to accept his choices for herself, nor sit idly by if his choices affect her negatively. He can continue the relationship he has with his wife if he wants to, but PBN has stood up for herself. She knows she will not stick around if that happens and has made that clear to him. Big difference between that and issuing an ultimatum or "making him" do something. He has a choice as well.

PBN, good for you! You have chosen a path that is healthier for you, and that is all any of us can do.
If what Smiles meant, is that the OP is putting the husband where he has to make a choice, than yes. He should have to make a choice. Life is about choices. It's stinky to say, Choose between me and her. But it's perfectly fine to say, Either you meet my minimum standards or you don't. She isn't making him leave the wife; she's saying she needs certain things for herself to stay.

Smiles, saying that he is afraid to be without her or worried about losing friends is not enough to excuse the husband from avoiding making a hard decision.
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