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  #11  
Old 03-07-2014, 07:05 PM
polybynature polybynature is offline
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I hear you Smiles, thank you for sharing. The big differences I see though are that you have a daughter and it sounds like you treat each other well. She has been treating him horribly for months....name calling, fighting, etc....do you and your spouse get along? Do activities together? It sounds like part of my lack of grasp is that I haven't had a 20 plus year relationship (though I do have 15 years with my spouse)

Interesting you mention falling in love. My boyfriend is very much in love with me...but that never effected his love for his wife, she pulled away. but it is possible there were repercussions of our serious we are on her that I don't know about
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  #12  
Old 03-07-2014, 07:06 PM
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
If they're going to stay together, I'm surprised they're not getting marriage counseling. They should be doing something to improve the situation. Maybe this dysfunctional dynamic has become their new comfort zone? It's what they're used to, change is scary and it seems safer to leave things as they are. Could also be a Mexican standoff: Neither wants to be "the bad guy" who spearheads a divorce.

What are some of the effects all this has had on your relationship with your partner (the one who's in this bad marriage)? Does he get upset a lot?
They went to counseling a few times....but I think has of right now no one is looking for a romantic relationship so they do not continue to go. Our relationship has gotten stronger actually...and I like providing a lot to him...but it caused a lot of angst too as we transitioned into my being so much to him. (for him, myself, and my spouse)
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  #13  
Old 03-07-2014, 07:21 PM
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They don't seem very strongly motivated to improve things. As long as it is not adversely affecting your relationship with him, I suppose it would be fine to let him make his own decisions about how he wants to conduct his marriage. By the way, have you asked him why he stays in that marriage? Just curious.
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  #14  
Old 03-07-2014, 07:35 PM
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
They don't seem very strongly motivated to improve things. As long as it is not adversely affecting your relationship with him, I suppose it would be fine to let him make his own decisions about how he wants to conduct his marriage. By the way, have you asked him why he stays in that marriage? Just curious.
It isn't anymore, adversely affecting us, so im ok with it right now and I guess need to stop questioning it. I've asked...he says he's a dedicated person and he married her. stuff like that. That he'd miss out on some stuff....nothing that really makes me understand.
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  #15  
Old 03-07-2014, 08:13 PM
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Sounds a bit like, "Married couples stay together because they made marital vows and that's just what they're supposed to do." Almost like, "We're doing our civic duty to keep America strong." Social conditioning is easy to underestimate, so it's possible that's indeed where he (and his wife) are coming from.

Glad it's not having a bad effect on your relationship with him.
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  #16  
Old 03-07-2014, 09:28 PM
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[QUOTE=PolyinPractice;261410]Wow, I'm surprised, somehow, by how common this is.....but, I guess this is what many people think marriage is supposed to be. It's kind of why I shy away from it.husband OTE]

Some people take the commitment very seriously. My grandmother stayed in a loveless marriage for 40 years until he died. My mother us still with her abuser after 30 years. I chose to leave my husbandof 11 years bbecause I didnt want that life for myself, commitment or not
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  #17  
Old 03-07-2014, 09:43 PM
polybynature polybynature is offline
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[QUOTE=Inyourendo;261484]
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Wow, I'm surprised, somehow, by how common this is.....but, I guess this is what many people think marriage is supposed to be. It's kind of why I shy away from it.husband OTE]

Some people take the commitment very seriously. My grandmother stayed in a loveless marriage for 40 years until he died. My mother us still with her abuser after 30 years. I chose to leave my husbandof 11 years bbecause I didnt want that life for myself, commitment or not
Im glad you had the strength then IYE. I wonder if one of them will break eventually...I couldn't do it, the staying. It just doesn't seem good for each person as an individual.
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  #18  
Old 03-07-2014, 10:10 PM
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Wow, I'm surprised, somehow, by how common this is.....but, I guess this is what many people think marriage is supposed to be. It's kind of why I shy away from it....
My parents were like that too.

They loved each other without being in love with each other.

I'm not certain that is a good reason to shy away from marriage, though. You marry someone you want to commit to because that's one way to show commitment. If you want to show it another way, and the other person is okay with that, then don't marry, but don't shy away from it because people don't know how to uncommit.

Are you afraid you are like that? Once committed you can't walk away?
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  #19  
Old 03-07-2014, 11:32 PM
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Originally Posted by polybynature View Post
I hear you Smiles, thank you for sharing. The big differences I see though are that you have a daughter and it sounds like you treat each other well. She has been treating him horribly for months....name calling, fighting, etc....do you and your spouse get along? Do activities together? It sounds like part of my lack of grasp is that I haven't had a 20 plus year relationship (though I do have 15 years with my spouse)

Interesting you mention falling in love. My boyfriend is very much in love with me...but that never effected his love for his wife, she pulled away. but it is possible there were repercussions of our serious we are on her that I don't know about

I am so affectionate. My wife isn't. I feel I have so much love to give, my wife doesn't exactly pull away, she just doesn't initiate affection. I can easily see myself falling head over heals for a woman... I think if I had a relationship, I feel my wife would pull away as well...don't know what she would do...


She is willing to give me sex a few times a week and maybe, she even enjoys it. I just get the feeling her heart isn't in it...it never has been.

Maybe thats enough ...dunno...its worked so far...

I think its hard for many people to live together for the long haul...relationships change over time...


In the end... We gotta be friends, even if that's all it is.
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  #20  
Old 03-08-2014, 12:13 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by Smiles View Post
I am so affectionate. My wife isn't. I feel I have so much love to give, my wife doesn't exactly pull away, she just doesn't initiate affection. I can easily see myself falling head over heals for a woman... I think if I had a relationship, I feel my wife would pull away as well...don't know what she would do...
Obviously one of your love language is touch and her's is NOT. What are her love languages? Read the book on the 5 love languages - it is very helpful in this area, it was VERY eye opening for my husband and I.
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