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  #31  
Old 03-13-2014, 01:10 AM
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Valiumistic???I guess it's my new word....
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  #32  
Old 03-13-2014, 01:26 AM
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I met Angelina and her ex at the same time...I met them at a fundraiser event...I've seen them both together at most events... I have been sub leasing an office for my business for about six months now...Angelina is There as well for her own business. The Ex has another location he works out of most of the time...I see him on occasion... Great guy... Easy going, laid back..

Perlina- my wife knows them both as well...Perlina has been with me at these events too...

They were married about 5 months or so before she kicked him out...She has 3 young girls and he smokes weed...Still he a good guy, very professional, successful, hard working...

She said that she just sees him as a friend.. She can really relate to what I was telling her...
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  #33  
Old 03-13-2014, 01:44 AM
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Re (from Smiles):
Quote:
"Valiumistic? I guess it's my new word ..."
So it would seem. So, what do you want to do with this Valiumistic personality you've encountered in Perlina? Will you trust her words at face value and just cope with the fallout when the lid blows off the pressure cooker? Will you try to explain to her that it's okay to hurt your feelings in order to get the truth out on the table before the pressure builds up? Have you had those sorts of conversations in the past? Does she want to try to start tempering the passiveness with a little more forthrightness, or is she determined to keep smoothing things over as long as she can stand to? and if the latter be the case, how do you cope with that now, and do you plan to just continue to cope that way, because what else can you do if she doesn't want to change?

I don't think we'll know how an open and/or poly arrangement will affect her mood and behavior until it's been tried. If you can't count on her to admit to you that the pressure's building, then you'll have to wait for the lid to blow off and then conclude by experience that the pressure was building. You can always guess in the meantime. How stressful do you think this poly/open stuff is for her so far? How stressful do you think it will be in the future, especially when you start acquiring real-live girlfriends? These aren't rhetorical questions; you know her far better than anyone else here.
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  #34  
Old 03-13-2014, 02:40 AM
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Over the last several months Perlina and I have had many conversations about us...I don't feel we ever had that in love feeling. When my wife finally admitted that, I was a little hurt...Maybe a lot hurt...I am way OK now...We made it through that...

I always thought that our love would grow stronger and eventually we would have mutually satisfying sex...I feel she just complied with sex as long as it wasn't too much...That's just the way it is...

We still have a life together, we still do everything as a family, we still can talk about anything without it turning into a fight, and Perlina and I are best friends...

I have no idea if I can have sex without an emotional connection...

Way back when I was in the military, I had a stripper gf...she wasn't a stripper when I met her though...I went away for 6 months and came back and went to a strip club near the military bade and there she was...She rocked my world back then...I almostvthought I loved her.


As far as Perlina, from what she tells me, from the things she doesn't say, is that it is wrong to have sex with somebody without feeling love first.... She feels love should come first...That's coming from a woman who was still a virgin at 25 and me who waited over a year to prove I was going to stay...

I think she is wondering what is taking me so long to hook up...kind of like all talk and no action...she doesn't want to talk about it anymore....

So yes... I have to "just do it" and let the chips fall where they may...
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  #35  
Old 03-13-2014, 03:48 AM
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Well, it seems that you guys have weathered many things together in the past; maybe this change into an open/poly life is something you can weather together too. You can always take it slow and check in with Perlina often to see how she's doing with it, right?
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  #36  
Old 03-13-2014, 12:26 PM
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You say Perlina is PA, maybe you are too. You both put the others' needs first, and seem to think this is a good thing and the key to your longevity.

Personally I think extreme "unselfishness" masks a need to be liked or loved, when one is lacking self-love.

Being PA and not showing feelings leads to lack of intimacy. Lack of intimacy leads to lack of sex. And if a person has unmet needs, but won't express them for fear of seeming selfish, you can grow resentful when your partner doesn't read your mind and identify and meet your needs when you yourself won't say what they are. UGH. It becomes a destructive habit.
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me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
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  #37  
Old 03-13-2014, 03:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
You say Perlina is PA, maybe you are too. You both put the others' needs first, and seem to think this is a good thing and the key to your longevity.

Personally I think extreme "unselfishness" masks a need to be liked or loved, when one is lacking self-love.

Being PA and not showing feelings leads to lack of intimacy. Lack of intimacy leads to lack of sex. And if a person has unmet needs, but won't express them for fear of seeming selfish, you can grow resentful when your partner doesn't read your mind and identify and meet your needs when you yourself won't say what they are. UGH. It becomes a destructive habit.
Yes, on many levels, we are both Passive Aggressive. Maybe we are both overly accepting.

Does that create resentments? Of course...all that has changed in the past year or so. Mostly from me...


We managed to get through that...

We all have that need to feel loved and desired. Thats human nature. Its a good this as long as we don't sacrifice our own needs, wants and desires.

lack of intimacy, lack of sex, lack of desire? None of that should be forced and should have a natural flow.

This morning, my wife and I were home alone, which doesn't happen all that much...Sex was that last thing on her mind. I am ok with that now... I am about to see Angelina to continue our conversation from Tuesday

I don't have all the answers...I dont even have the questions...

I know a year from now, I will be in a totally different place. I am so different than I was just a few months ago.

No more resentments, no more expectations.
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  #38  
Old 03-13-2014, 09:29 PM
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It's an adventure.
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  #39  
Old 03-14-2014, 12:03 AM
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Perlina (Wife)

Angelina (colleague and potential love interest)

Estrella (restaurant/pizza place manager who gives me a free Shiner each week while waiting for my order) Just a younger beautiful women with glitter eye shadow which some of the glitter falls on her checks which looks so adorable and I told her so... Fantasy love interest... I can dream some....

I didn't finish the conversation with Angelina today like I wanted...we both were very busy with our own work...just occasional glances and some verbal exchanges...All professional...

I've been reading more of Opening Up...Not at all shocking so far...pretty tame...

What I project happening is Perlina being my non sexual Primary....

since we signed the open marriage contract, sex is less often, but seems better than before when it happens ...I no longer put pressure on my Perlina. She seems happier now...on page 81 in opening up may describe us to a T...We took sex off the table and our marriage has gotten better recently...We still have sex, but I don't feel my Perlina is giving me duty sex like before...

Does that make sense?

I can see us staying together long term like this... I do feel that when I do have a new relationship, sex will definitely be off the table... So I better pick a good sexual poly partner...

I just feel like so much weight has been lifted off me....I've become such a flirt...

Last edited by Smiles; 03-14-2014 at 12:05 AM.
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  #40  
Old 03-14-2014, 02:26 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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A free Shiner? She punches you in the face every time you get a pizza?

But still puzzled. What is it?
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