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  #1  
Old 03-07-2014, 10:41 AM
Awarita Awarita is offline
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Default Bad triangle. Advice, experiences?

Hi,

When I met my boyfriend we were really united by the idea of an open relationship. We do have high libidos, he really likes company of women, I really enjoy company of men. Finally someone to whom I could connect, finally someone intelligent, finally someone with whom I could experience true love, a real deep relationship, and not limit my self with imposed rules by creating our own ones. I am so made for that.

Everything was really rainbows and unicorns in the ambiance of true openness, but very soon he fell in love with another woman (via internet), without us two even having decided our own rules and limits.

I clearly stated I was not happy with being presented with a fait accompli. He was dividing rapidly into two worlds, building a wall between me and her (and him) over a few months.

My idea of respect, cooperation and openness was confronted with a totally different reality. Separation, misunderstandings, defensiveness.

Meanwhile, the other girl was rainbows and unicorns with him, being presented an apparently beautiful view of a polyamoric relationship, with me in the background being torn down emotionally.

I stated many times I am not happy with it but I also know that I cannot and I do not want to limit another human being. He said he wants to see her anyway. So he did.

I know there is nothing that can stop love, not even common sense, I knew I cannot stop them. Fortunately she has some common sense and is aware that this is not going to work.

After a violent confrontation we now are in a beautiful triangle:

1. Me, unhappy and emotionally torn down, in love with him.
2. She, unhappy and emotionally torn down, in love with him.
3. He, emotionally torn down by two women that he loves, that do not tolerate each other.

Something that was supposed to join us together, now separates us.

I suppose she must be a great person (if my bf loves her, she must be a great person, no doubt) but I just see no way in which we could be friendly to each other. I understand the confusion that my partner feels, he's conscious of our pain and he has his own pain, too. I also understand her, she's in love, confused, torn down, as I am.

But in the end, in totally animal terms, she is an intruder in my territory, she didn't ask for permission to enter. He dropped her into my territory.

I just cannot accept her, it's not her fault, it's simply that I can't forgive the fact that things were done against my will. That's not how you do it. Difficult to be undone.

Time passes and things just don't go away themselves, she does not disappear magically. Despite our good will, the pattern stays the same. This is so dysfunctional in the long term, seriously.

Let time pass and we'll get used to it? I'm not very happy with that idea, it's like a stain in the fabric of your life that you can't just pretend is not there.

Leaving? I'm in love, I don't want to.

I'm also angry with him because she is getting all the rainbows and unicorns part now - which was mine before she appeared - in a dreamland internet world full of promises, totally separate from reality, the reality of daily life, frequent bad moods, washing the dishes, farting, hurtful comments, cleaning the toilet and cutting your nails. The part of reality that she does not know yet. Their bubbleland broke my bubbleland... and I miss my bubble as hell.

"I love you but I cannot force you to anything, if you're with me it's because you want it, you are free to go" - kind of something like that is what I hear, and it is true, though sounds ugly and hurts as fuck.

I invite you to sharing your thoughts, experiences and maybe possible solutions, points of view that I cannot see.
How to turn this mess into something that works? There must be a way.
Where's the opportunity that I cannot notice from my emotionally exhausted point of view?

Who the hell invented that polyamory thing anyway, Jaysus

Thanks guys. Love!

Last edited by Awarita; 03-07-2014 at 01:30 PM.
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  #2  
Old 03-07-2014, 12:54 PM
graviton graviton is offline
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sounds to me like you were happy with no rules for yourself until you found out that also meant no rules for him. We need more details because I see nothing wrong here except that for some reason you don't like her and want her to go away. Why?
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  #3  
Old 03-07-2014, 01:10 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I have no idea why you are hostile toward the other female. She did not break the relationship between you and your bf - that is on the two of you, or possibly just him if it came down the way you described. If so, he was the one who was insensitive to your feelings; he was the one who became distant; he was the one who became secretive; he was the one who created the situation without your full consent. She did none of those things. And if you're trying to tell yourself she deserves your sense of threat (albeit, I know you logically realize she is a victim too) as he did those things because of her, I ask you: is he not an adult responsible for his own behavior? All of that is on him. Yet when we love somebody, it's easy to shift blame away from the one we love toward a bystander.

It seems you are asking the wrong questions here - will she disappear? Should you leave? It would seem that if you love him, and he loves both of you, you might want to look at what behaviors need to occur to fix your relationship - besides hoping the other person will leave. I can guarantee you, she could leave tomorrow, and you might breathe a sigh of relief momentarily, but it will fix nothing. The issues that created the problem in the first place will still exist.
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  #4  
Old 03-07-2014, 01:17 PM
Awarita Awarita is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by graviton View Post
We need more details because I see nothing wrong here except that for some reason you don't like her
Hi.

My rule is "everything is OK with everyone's consent".
There must be consent, reassurance and an understanding, loving atmosphere, from that point everything is possible.

I stated openly I am not happy with that at that moment, he proceeded anyway. Would anyone feel loved and safe if ignored?

The "some reason" is that there was no mutual consent for letting her in our lives. My feelings and my will were not respected.

Also it was really hurtful for me him finding a girl before setting up the rules inside our relationship. I found it very surprising of him, and unfair.

We did not set them because there was no rush, specially in full bloom of fresh, 7-months love.

I said "hey, you have a very unique opportunity to create a great, open relationship and you're not doing it right now at the very beggining", he just said "I have to try it" so I said "ok". He just selectively sticked with my "OK".

I don't know if I like her as a person, I don't know her.

I have a strong need to feel the most important. I have a strong need of consent. I feel betrayed.
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  #5  
Old 03-07-2014, 01:23 PM
Awarita Awarita is offline
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Default 8996588 17

My rule is "everything is OK with everyone's consent".

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
he was the one who became distant; he was the one who became secretive; he was the one who created the situation without your full consent. [...] I can guarantee you, she could leave tomorrow, and you might breathe a sigh of relief momentarily, but it will fix nothing. The issues that created the problem in the first place will still exist.
Of course she's not the one to blame. I've spoken to her and told her so, too. I am angry with my boyfriend, he's the one unfair to me. It's exactly the way you say.

I do know very well that her disappearance would not change the fact that my boyfriend was not fair to me and my bad feelings about it. That's why I'm posting here!

The point is, I don't know how to manage this situation...

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
you might want to look at what behaviors need to occur to fix your relationship
Exactly. That's what I am asking about. Your experiences, opinions.

Last edited by Awarita; 03-07-2014 at 01:48 PM.
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  #6  
Old 03-07-2014, 02:44 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Well, you are jealous, pure and simple. Yes, you also feel territorial.

You and your bf had an idea of "polysexuality," to satisfy your libidos. This sound fine, on paper. True love between you and bf, casual sexual dalliances with others just for lusty fun.

However, you didn't realize that kissing, making out, petting, intercourse, all that sexy fun often leads to feelings. Bonding, talking, laughing, sharing life stories, this comes from lying around the bed or couch, BEFORE or AFTER the sex is happening. Sharing food and drink while dating also increases bonding. All this can lead to: infatuation, "new relationship energy" (NRE), puppy love, what you call "unicorns and rainbows," which may or may not turn out to be the real thing over time.

I won't lie, I've been actively practicing polyamory for 5 years, and dabbled back in 1999-2000 as well, and I still get twinges of feeling territorial. Our monogamist programming can lead to this awful territorial feeling when our partner falls for someone else. Hearing about how exciting the new partner is can feel quite unsettling! Some poly people claim to never get jealous. That's not my experience.

I get more jealous when my bf finds someone new, than when my gf finds someone new. I think because I have been with her 5 years and we really understand each other. I've only known bf 2 years, and he didn't date anyone new until we'd been together 18 months, so this past half year has been hard on me, getting used to him being in NRE with several people he's dated.

I think much communication is in order so that you 3 can stop making each other miserable. First you need to get that sex and love can sometimes happen separately, but often go hand in hand. It's not unfair, it's not a betrayal, it's just what happens. Then, you need to explore your jealousy (hint: it's usually rooted in a fear of loss). Then, know that you do not need to be good friends with your bf's new gf, you can be separate. If he talks about her too much, or not enough, you figure out your comfort zone around "need to know" and let him know how much you want him to share.
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  #7  
Old 03-07-2014, 03:17 PM
Awarita Awarita is offline
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Thank you, Magdlyn, for your post. I like your point of view

Yes, it's the first time in my life I am jealous, quite late I think as for my 29.

Just to clear things out, their relationship is rather about love, not about sex. And to be honest, their casual sex wouldn't bother me that much. It's not really that much about the libidos in this case.

They say that love is not a 100 that is divided in parts, but is infinite.
I do feel that my initial 100 has fallen down dramatically. To stick with this example, I do feel as if I was getting 50 now and her getting a 90.

Fear of loss? yeah, a bit, for sure, but it's rather that love energy that was directed to me that was suddenly switched to someone else and I am left with .. OK, leftovers would be a bad word, but you know what I mean. Somehow - yeah, territorially - I think it was "mine" and it was "stolen from me".

Like a junkie, I admit, I WANT MY 100 BACK. If he has more to share, then share it, by not at my cost.

It seems from your post that you're rather flexible in your rules (eg. "it's just what happens"). If your partner did something against your will or without your consent, is simply putting up with it an option? Respect for another one's feelings seems quite a fundamental rule to me.

I think it demands a lot of faith in the future to keep on communicating when the situation is, as you call it, miserable, with ups and downs and bumps. At the end, we all want peace.

Cheers!
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  #8  
Old 03-07-2014, 03:50 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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What rules did he break? Did you have a "no falling in love" rule?
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  #9  
Old 03-07-2014, 04:01 PM
Awarita Awarita is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
What rules did he break? Did you have a "no falling in love" rule?
Good point.
Unfortunately we are talking about common sense and non-written rules, since he decided to dive into another relationship without us having the rules set.

And the common sense rule to me is - when your girlfriend needs reassurance and feels insecure, you do as much as you can to make her feel secure, not leave her alone crying on the next room and keep on doing your stuff.

And the common sense rule to me is - first you set the rules that both agree to, and then you try it, not first you try it and then see how it works.

And the common sense rule to me is - if it's not working, you stop doing it, figure out why, solve things and move on.

Right?
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  #10  
Old 03-07-2014, 04:06 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I won't lie, I've been actively practicing polyamory for 5 years, and dabbled back in 1999-2000 as well, and I still get twinges of feeling territorial. Our monogamist programming can lead to this awful territorial feeling when our partner falls for someone else. Hearing about how exciting the new partner is can feel quite unsettling! Some poly people claim to never get jealous. That's not my experience.

I get more jealous when my bf finds someone new, than when my gf finds someone new. I think because I have been with her 5 years and we really understand each other. I've only known bf 2 years, and he didn't date anyone new until we'd been together 18 months, so this past half year has been hard on me, getting used to him being in NRE with several people he's dated.
Just as an aside, it is really great to hear that a "vet" still feels this way too. Not that I'm happy for you to be in pain, just good to know that I am in-line with well-adjusted people such as yourself.
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