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  #1  
Old 03-07-2014, 07:53 AM
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Mahogany Mahogany is offline
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Default Date Night....the Struggle.

It's been 5 hours since he left and I have NOW entered into the realm of struggle. My primary is STILL out with his girlfriend, and I find myself periodically wandering into thoughts of WHAT they might be doing right now.

Crap, I was doing so well....I am trying so hard to be 100% okay, but I know it is important to own my feelings. So I guess it has happened, a bit of uneasiness as risen

I miss him though, I can wait to see him. I am so excited to see him...that's good right?

It really doesn't bother me that they are together, I just WANT him home right NOW

Oh, why must I struggle so?
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Old 03-07-2014, 02:46 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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totally normal, it gets easier. I am happy to see my spouse too after a date night, or even just hear from my BF after hes gone on a date (like he is tonight and I asked him to call after )

A lot of jealousy/insecurity comes from not being upset about what they are doing, but wanting something yourself. You feel sad cause YOU want to be with him and spend time with him, and hes doing that with someone else right now. So plan a date night for you guys, then you can think " hes out with A. right now, but tomorrow we are doing etc.!"

Hope this helps
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Old 03-07-2014, 03:22 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Totally understandable and normal. I still go through it sometimes, but it does get easier. Personally, I do the most hand-wringing when I don't have something to occupy my own time. Throw yourself into a hobby or going out and doing something yourself. Learn to be good at being alone. That's my struggle. Perhaps it is yours also. It can feel like needing someone, but that can be the symptom of needing to be better at being alone.

You can do it!
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Old 03-07-2014, 08:01 PM
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Mahogany Mahogany is offline
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I totally get the need to get better at being alone. One of my friends, married with children, actually takes vacations by herself. I have NEVER heard of that, but have always admired her for doing that. She would book a trip somewhere for a weekend and leave her hubby and kids behind...and go.


I am relieved to know it is normal and something I can grow to accept and not have to try and overcome necessarily...if that makes sense

The good thing is that it gives me an opportunity to MISS him...and WANT him (adding some spice)
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Old 03-07-2014, 08:27 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Cayenne with tabasco

That's a very healthy way of looking at it. I wish you well and am sure you've got it licked.
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Old 03-07-2014, 09:19 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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5 hour date? They must be hitting it off. Finding someone else to occupy my time while nate is away is something I've found helpful in the past
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Old 03-07-2014, 09:21 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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[QXbox anUOTE=Mahogany;261473]I totally get the need to get better at being alone. One of my friends, married with children, actually takes vacations by herself. I have NEVER heard of that, but have always admired her for doing that. She would book a trip somewhere for a weekend and leave her hubby and kids behind...and go.


I am relieved to know it is normal and something I can grow to accept and not have to try and overcome necessarily...if that makes sense

The good thing is that it gives me an opportunity to MISS him...and WANT him (adding some spice)[/QUOTE]

I can't imagine vacationing alone, id be so lonely for companionship.
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Old 03-07-2014, 09:25 PM
Amanita Amanita is offline
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I have the same thing with date night, but it is getting easier. One of the arrangements we have is to talk briefly on the phone before and after the date. Also, because Astraeus has to catch the same train home afterwards, I always know roughly when I'll hear from him, and that helps too (except that I get a bit twitchy in the last fifteen minutes or so). That won't always be the case though - I'm sure in the future there will be dates with no arranged end time - but for now it's working okay and I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
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Old 03-07-2014, 10:36 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Rules are great, but I'm learning to be flexible with them. We used to have a rule that she would text when the date showed up and then 3 hours after and then again if she decided to spend the night or if she needed a ride home. (She doesnt have a car)

This wasn't easy at first. I'd simply be wringing my hands the entire time wondering when I was going to get my checkpoint texts. When things went especially well, I'd go for hours after the mid-point text wondering, "Does she need a ride? Oh crap. I'm not getting any text so they must be having the best time two people have ever had. She's going to replace me." Normally I'd get a text at about 2 or 3 in the morning (she's a night owl) telling me she was staying over or needed a ride home. But the first time she spent the night without texting me and slunk in the front door, we had a serious "Come to Jesus" meeting. During this period I didn't have much going on personally and was new to polysexism and polyamory so the idea of the insanely great sex she must surely be having was on my mind too.

When she'd come home I'd need a lot of reconnection that sometimes felt really forced at first. We had conversations about me being needy. But that led to conversations about what I needed to feel loved. And over time...over time her reaffirmations became natural and quite loving. It's still a work in progress.

Now days I usually get two or three texts throughout the date, but they aren't required. There's a trust that goes back and forth. She hasn't been on an overnight date anytime recently (although it could happen at any time), but I'm sure she would definitely let me know if she needed a ride or was spending the night.

Oddly, some of the best reaffirmations don't come on either side of a date. They come when we've spent days alone together and she just tells me that there will never be anyone who can replace me though there may be other people she loves along with me. Just saying it for no reason other than to let me know I'm loved and not going anywhere. We have what in the BDSM world is a DaddyDom/little girl dynamic, so our conversations are mostly about how I'm her Papa and there could never be another Papa. How safe and loved she feels with me as my little Puddin' Pop.

If you ask the questions that make you feel secure about your relationship enough...I'd think you'll begin to hear what you need...even when it's not date night...which will make you feel even stronger ON date night.
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  #10  
Old 03-08-2014, 12:57 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Maybe you're just not ready for poly yet.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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