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Old 03-02-2014, 09:29 AM
literarymama literarymama is offline
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Default MMF complication ; brand new (hugs) (insights welcome)

It's complicated. *sigh*

Last spring, my husband of 6 years and I decided that we wanted to pursue a polyfidelitous lifestyle--big family, lots of children, everyone together. I am bisexual, and he is straight. He first preferred a polygamous situation, and i preferred one in which we were open to both. We finally decided to be open to both but to pursue a prospective female partner first.

To us, our poly journey was spiritual. Something I read said that opening oneself to polyamory simultaneously opens oneself to deep spiritual growth. The article was a lot more eloquent, but this is the gist of it. Each morning, and before we looked on dating sites and everything, we prayed and asked God to send us the one(s) He had intended for us if this was His will. And we agreed that we would meet people, get to know them (friends only; nothing romantic) and if he or she felt like a good fit, we would bring them to each other for further consideration.

As I said, we were seeking a woman. We were praying. But then, out of the blue, in the most random way (I was working as a cam model), I met a man who I will call my sailor. and there was just this intense connection we had, from the start. he was very compatible as a close companion for my husband (they had much in common and similar personalities). my sailor was getting ready to retire from the Navy, and was 8 hours away.

i introduced him to my husband, and he was accepted. he and i absolutely fell in love, and he and my husband were talking for several hours an evening every other night. Everything seemed to be advancing well, albeit I was a little too enamored with New Relationship Energy. Before we knew it, several months had passed, and my sailor was scheduled to come up and visit us. He wasn't poly originally, but he was open to trying it on for size.

Then the roof caved in.

As I said, for us, polyfi was very spiritual. And I believe it really caused us to look hard at ourselves, our jealousies and resentments and everything we can otherwise comfortably bury and avoid. My husband had committed infidelity twice during our marriage; this had done a lot of damage, and i struggled very hard to forgive him. enough time had passed, and life had resumed normalcy...so we thought. Right under the surface was an absolute volcanic build up of unresolved issues. Our new covenant was looking for people to get to know who might be a fit for our family...but I caught him going more in the direction of sex with people, which was not within the boudaries of the covenant (and I made this very, very clear).

All of that lava, it burst through the surface. We were face to face with how little trust, and how much resentment and anger we both still had with each other. And we blew apart. We separated. It was heartbreaking.

It was all the more heartbreaking, too, because it wasn't just us going through it. Although it was new, my sailor was kind of beginning to grow to be a part of us, too. So when he came up to be with our family, he ended up coming up to see just me. We have stayed together for almost a year, and for many months, my husband and I were absolutely lost in our anger and hurt against one another. And my sailor was right in the middle of it. He and my husband grew to be very angry, hurt and resentful toward one another.

But, as the months passed, slowly but surely, my husband and I were beginning to communicate again. Slowly, the anger and the resentment began to melt away, and it was very interesting what came to be revealed. It wasn't that our marriage failed; I think, perversely, the blow up and separation had been necessary for our healing. Because of the violation of my trust / my unwillingness to forgive him, our marriage had turned into a shell, and was empty. At the heart of it, we still loved each other tremendously; we had just forgotten how to live that love. It was like a huge hurricane had to come in and blow away the dilapidated structure, so something new could be built.

We also had the opportunity to grow spiritually while we were apart in ways we couldn't have if we had stayed together. On my end, I wrote two novels and finished my Master's thesis, within a year; and I made some changes I needed to make. And I learned so much.

Now, I am living with my sailor and my husband and I are at the threshold of wanting to rebuild something stronger and better than what we had before. The only huge problem is, my husband and my sailor are still very angry and resentful toward one another. And, as such, they are both expressing similar reasons why they don't want to be poly.

Clearly, a lot has happened that would make them feel that way. Had my husband and I have known we were going to have such a big blow up, we would never have began to bring someone else in. But then again, I think if it weren't for our openness to pursue the polyfidelitous lifestyle, we might never have been able to resolve this issue, to rip it out by the roots.

I am so beyond torn right now. I love them both. I feel like I belong to them both. I feel like they are both a part of me. The thought of having to choose is absolute agony, because from where we originated, there was no choice. There was just love.

There is a lot of healing to do. Intuitively, I feel like once they are able to work out their resentments and anger (which they have both agreed they will talk at some point, which is good) that maybe this will be possible. That they will reconsider, get back to where we were. But I don't want to push it; but I just hope we can get back to where we were. But at the same time, I mean, they both have the right to say no, of course. And with everything that happened, too much damage might have been done. I don't know.

Thank you for reading; Sorry this was so long.
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Old 03-02-2014, 02:42 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 519

Ugh. Sorry about that. You may have to always manage between the two. It sucks, a lot, but if you love them, are you willing to work to make both lives (your life with the boyfriend and your life with the husband)? They may never move beyond the hurt and hate.

This is worst case, but it's something you should probably learn to deal with.
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