Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-01-2014, 07:36 PM
kaduhwin kaduhwin is offline
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 5

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post

I'm going to take a shot in the dark and classify your "attempts to break up" with him as a game. You say you are breaking up with him, he shows you a bit of momentary affection and whispers some bullshit to you, you fall for his bullshit and decide to stay with him a bit longer. If you feel like you need to get something more from him you repeat the process.
Makes me cringe to admit to that. You've the nail right on the head... I'm craving attention from him, affection but it only seems to be to my liking when we're hovering over the edge. Then its back to these weird inconsistent vibes... I'm lacking an understanding as to how exactly a relationship is suppose to be, how I'm suppose to be, particularly if I'm not getting what I desire.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-01-2014, 08:57 PM
plainsnymph plainsnymph is offline
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 8

Erm... It doesn't sound much like a healthy relationship. Poly issues aside. I know it can be hard to thoroughly flush out an issue online because of the complex emotions and situations leading to it, but from what I hear he sounds selfish and like his needs are the forefront of what matters to him. A relationship is about respect and care for the feelings of your partner ( along with a plethora of other things) and he is not seeming to respect your needs
_ to see him
_ to have set plans
- to feel validated
or care about your feelings of insecurity, jealousy and feelings unbalanced.Now that does not mean drop him and move on necessarily but I do think that some effort from his side needs to come to the table. And it sounds like you guys need to sit down and have some open communications about what being undefined really means. LOL I get the irony in that statement.

I am really new at this too and struggle with worry my partner will leave me, worry he will enjoy sex with others more, grapple with self esteem issues, jealousy and insecurity, but overall it has been a positive experience for me because my partner really cares about me. When ever either of us feels uneasy or jealous we talk about it in depth and try to figure out what mix of feelings its is and why and how we can weather our own emotions and how the other can support the process.
I think you need some of that support. If he does actually love you and its not some elaborate game to him he should be willing to help you find balance and help support your needs and make you feel validated and special.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-01-2014, 09:08 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 13,709

Hi kaduhwin,
There are ways to work on jealousy and insecurity. For example:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Those links are probably worth a look regardless of what you do. For the sake of self-improvement, get a handle on the things that you feel, and an understanding of why you feel them.

At the same time, ask yourself whether this particular guy is the kind of guy you'd want to be with. Does he really care about how you feel, or is he just telling you what he knows you want to hear? You did say he was a pick-up artist. Honesty is really really important if one wants responsible non-monogamy to work.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Old 03-01-2014, 09:09 PM
Tiberius Tiberius is offline
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 99

Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
While jealousy and insecurity may indeed be an issue, I would say that regardless of anything else, the lack of quality time is the one that predominates. You two want very different things. He does not want a defined relationship and is satisfied with seeing you infrequently, whereas you want a guy who is there for you. Bottom line, he is not that guy.

As for the insecurity / jealousy issue, it might be something you could overcome if your relationship with him was not affected by his other pursuits - but it is in terms of time, if nothing else.

That said, in polyamory, you don't have to break up with him to date someone else. Find someone who can be there for you, someone who can meet the needs he is not meeting.

If you enjoy the time you spend with him, then by all means, stay with him. But if the idea of polyamory is comfortable for you, then there's nothing stopping you from seeking a relationship with a second guy as well.

Still, he sounds like he's just interested in sex. If you found someone else, then they'd most likely be able to satisfy that need too. In short, this is not a guy you should really become emotionally attached to. If you're happy with the physical nature of the relationship, then it's fine, but if you want him to give you the emotional support you need, you're going to both be after different things, and it will be unlikely to work. Relationships work best when both parties know what the other wants and can give it to them.

Last edited by Tiberius; 03-01-2014 at 09:17 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-01-2014, 11:11 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by kaduhwin View Post
Makes me cringe to admit to that. You've the nail right on the head... I'm craving attention from him, affection but it only seems to be to my liking when we're hovering over the edge. Then its back to these weird inconsistent vibes... I'm lacking an understanding as to how exactly a relationship is suppose to be, how I'm suppose to be, particularly if I'm not getting what I desire.
Oh, honey, you live in NYC (as do I) - there's someone else right around the corner. Don't waste your time and energy trying to get blood from a stone. There are a million other guys who would love to give you time, attention, and affection without you begging and playing dishonest games for it. You're worth more than that.

You say you love him and he loves you, but I don't think so. I think what you're calling love is really dependency and unrealistic attachment to anyone who's willing to show you some attention.

You want to develop some self-esteem - do esteemable things. Like taking a stand.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 03-01-2014 at 11:13 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2014, 02:56 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,587

Originally Posted by kaduhwin View Post
Makes me cringe to admit to that. You've the nail right on the head... I'm craving attention from him, affection but it only seems to be to my liking when we're hovering over the edge. Then its back to these weird inconsistent vibes... I'm lacking an understanding as to how exactly a relationship is suppose to be, how I'm suppose to be, particularly if I'm not getting what I desire.
You took that criticism right on the chin, I'm impressed.

Most of us have a lot of room for emotional growth and I don't imagine that will be changing any time soon. My only real suggestion is to focus your energy on learning what your needs really are, where your insecurities stem from, and growing into a person who is able to rationally address these issues without depending on some dude to do it for you. That's quite a thing to learn to do and I don't imagine anyone can do it over night but I suggest pointing the ship in that direction and making that your goal.

Finding a good therapist who doesn't coddle you and who is actually competent at helping people learn healthy coping mechanisms might be a good way to start the process.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2014, 04:37 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,435

There's nothing inherently wrong with him saying "I'm not going to change how I behave." The problem is when he expects you to change the way you react to his behaviour, instead of accepting that you're just incompatible.

He's a conquistador. What matters to him, and the only thing that matters to him, is having as many women hanging off him as possible. Letting you go would indicate a failure on his part to keep you as his possession.

Well fuck that shit. You're nobody's possession. You deserve happiness, and you shouldn't have to undergo a religious transformation just to be able to date someone.

You keep telling us how much you love him, but all the specifics you provide are negative. What the hell makes this guy such a prize that you're willing to sacrifice your happiness and peace of mind just to be another checkmark on his list of conquests?
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2014, 09:26 AM
Alleycat's Avatar
Alleycat Alleycat is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 80

Speaking as one who in the past has occasionally worn the PUA hat;
(Not proud of if, but not ashamed of it either)

- it IS a numbers game, a PUA is keeping "score"
However in doing so, it's impossible to develop quality interpersonal relationships and connections as attempting to do so would be detrimental to the amount of personal energy expended towards increasing ones "score".

- Practicing PUAs do not "do" committed relationships
Actually they do "non-relationships", which is to say there is very little intrest in you as a person, but plenty of intrest in you as a soscial toy that can be picked up and put away at their leisure. They don't have relationships with people, they have "interactions" with "potentials", and you are always replaceable.

Don't put up with that kind of dehumanization. Ever.

-Pick up artistry is a soscial "power game"
This is the truth. PUAs apply the fundimentals of flash entertainment and high pressure targeted salesmanship. It's no different from selling volcano insurance to strangers (except that volcano insurance seldom causes emotional damages later.)
There is no "break-ups", it's more like they "fire" you. And you're not "allowed" to fire them, because you are not the boss.

Seriously it's a shifty and shitty method of getting someone attention, lef me correct that; -getting attention from someone- and practiced by shifty and shitty people.

Side note:
Most pick up artists will get really mad if you ask them if they would really just like a hug and a safe place to cry. Something about low self esteem.

But seriously; Ditch the clown and find people who will treat you like people, I promise you'll be much happier.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2014, 09:50 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Here's a few questions ok?

Pretend you have a child (maybe you do I don't know-but it didn't sound like it)

IS HE the kind of PERSON you would want them to date?
remove "love" from the topic.
Make a list of CONCRETE ACTIONS.
What are the CONCRETE ACTIONS that he does that make you want to stay in the relationship?

(I like to consider it this way-ACTIONS speak louder than words and "I Love you" means NOTHING because it's words. I have a list of specific actions and if they aren't happening-then LOVING isn't happening)

Are YOU respecting YOUR needs and YOUR boundaries for YOURSELF?

(because if YOU don't respect your needs and your boundaries, how can anyone else be expected to?)
It sounds to me like you "want the good feelings" but you haven't defined the specific behaviors you want in a relationship. You could accidentally happen upon a situation where you got them without defining them-but it's NOT LIKELY.
If you REALLY want a healthy, happy and whole relationship that is fulfilling TO YOU and gives YOU the "good feelings" that you want;
Then you need to define the concrete actions that you require in a relationship.
THEN you need to hold yourself accountable to ONLY HAVING A RELATIONSHIP with someone who is agreeable AND willing to *ACTUALLY* DO those things. Not SAY they are willing-but SHOW they are.
Final thought:
Loving someone does NOT mean you are compatible as romantic partners, business partners, roommates, lovers or anything else.
It just means that you want what is best for them.
In order to define if someone is compatible to you as any kind of partner, friend, roommate etc; you have to line out what your expectations in THAT relationship designation is, what their expectations are and then see if they match. If they don't-call it good and move on until you find someone who is.
ANything else-is abuse to yourself and them.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Old 03-06-2014, 11:55 AM
Becca Becca is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 110

The whole "pick up artist" thing... That means he is deceptive and manipulative in order to get sex without getting emotionally attached. He is manipulating you.

I would be willing to bet that all your feelings of jealousy and insecurity-- that's all part of the play he's working on you.

You aren't in a relationship. You are in a scam. Walk away. And maybe change your credit card numbers while you're at it, if he's ever had access to your wallet.
Reply With Quote

jealousy, newbie, open relationship, pickup artist, unsure.

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:58 AM.