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Old 03-06-2014, 05:59 PM
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RedPanda RedPanda is offline
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Default Group conversation dynamics

This question is about how to talk in a group setting or when there's multiple people involved. The vast majority of my communication experience has been one-on-one. But I'm finding that the dynamics of multiple people trying to communicate (as in a poly triad) is wholly different. Disastrously different.

I'm finding that I feel like I'm getting bombarded (emotionally) whenever my partner and metamour are talking about their issues with each other. They have been working through some things and I've been trying to stay out of it but yesterday they involved me in a big way.

I was very upset because I didn't think it was appropriate. Even though I'm willing to help there was no warning and no structure. It was just suddenly dumped on me. Now they are saying that if I don't want to be part of something like that then I have to be the one to put on the brakes. This was their issue to begin with! No one asked if I wanted to help or become involved.

To clarify, I'm not talking about just venting or ranting - everyone does that and I can handle that just fine. What I'm talking about is basically being put in the middle of the crossfire. Conveying who-said-what is not my job. I tried conveying this to my partner but she seemed to get upset and started attacking me as if I was trying to shift all the blame onto her.

I guess I was, because I still fundamentally believe that it was inappropriate to involve me in the way they did.

I dunno, thoughts? I'm really upset over this whole thing and I don't know how to proceed.
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Old 03-06-2014, 06:40 PM
westVan westVan is offline
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Originally Posted by RedPanda View Post
T
I'm finding that I feel like I'm getting bombarded (emotionally) whenever my partner and metamour are talking about their issues with each other. .
I have to ask why are you involved in a conversation with them about their issues with each other. If your not part of that relationship you shouldn't be part of working their issues.
Sound to me like one or both of them are pulling you into the conversations to you will "Side" with them against the other one. If that is the case I personally would politely but firmly excuse myself from the conversation.
I dont have the time or energy to play tug of war in someone elses relationship issues.
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Old 03-06-2014, 07:28 PM
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RedPanda RedPanda is offline
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I have to ask why are you involved in a conversation with them about their issues with each other. If your not part of that relationship you shouldn't be part of working their issues.
Sound to me like one or both of them are pulling you into the conversations to you will "Side" with them against the other one. If that is the case I personally would politely but firmly excuse myself from the conversation.
I dont have the time or energy to play tug of war in someone elses relationship issues.
We all live together so we're pretty close and in regular contact. And no, I don't think anyone wanted me to side with them even if it inevitably feels that way since I'm so close.

We've agreed to a few boundaries that should prevent this sort of thing in the future and I made it very clear that I'm uncomfortable being involved or helping out in their relationship communication.
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Old 03-06-2014, 07:58 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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My metamour refuses to talk to me at all; so I can't quite relate. But I'd suggest discouraging them using you as an in between. It's not fun.
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Old 03-06-2014, 08:47 PM
polybynature polybynature is offline
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My metamour refuses to talk to me at all; so I can't quite relate. But I'd suggest discouraging them using you as an in between. It's not fun.
This. my metamour and I don't speak, and it probably would go well if we did. I don't think i'd use my boyfriend as a go between
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Old 03-06-2014, 10:05 PM
westVan westVan is offline
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Originally Posted by RedPanda View Post
We've agreed to a few boundaries that should prevent this sort of thing in the future and I made it very clear that I'm uncomfortable being involved or helping out in their relationship communication.
glad to hear that they know you are uncomfortable in these situations, do you have a plan on how your going to handle it next time without making things worse for you.
I'm big on action plans, make sure everyone knows that when _____ happens, your going to _____. then everyone is prepared and knows what to expect. then stick to it because the first time you don't then they know your not firm with your boundaries. Its hard I know but it will only take a few times of doing ____ .
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